redshiftlogs | [open, backdated to May] like i'm losing my mind

Entry tags:

[open, backdated to May] like i'm losing my mind

Who: Qubit, open
What: ~~Belated~~ amnesia shenanigans! Watch Qubit steadily grow more and more frustrated-
When: month of May 2020
Where: around Anchor
Warnings: TBD

01 | try { qubit = new Identity(); }

[ So, Qubit's behavior has taken a turn for the weird.

For one thing, residents get to see a lot more of him over the month of May, because he's started living out of an actual dorm instead of his lab. The more astute may notice what he's not doing. He's not performing maintenance, or doing lab experiments... or showing up for meals reliably.

His ability to sit still already wasn't stellar, but now it's more pronounced. You might catch him coming and going at odd hours, or pacing the halls muttering to himself, or taking notes on a pad of paper with a pen.

He even looks slightly different. His hair, for one - there was already some variation in his signature quiff from day to day, but now they're not as tall, the styling is a little more experimental, and whatever kind of product he's using doesn't hold quite as well.

But perhaps the most obvious indicator something's wrong: he's occasionally wearing colors other than green. ]

02 | while (true) { read(); }

[ One place he ends up pretty regularly, though, is the library. He's found he hates the feeling of not knowing things, and this leads him to devour pretty much any book he can find that has to do with science. Physics, chemistry, biology, astronomy, anything. He piles them high and reads them quickly, impatient to get to the next one.

They're somewhat advanced texts - university level, certainly - but not advanced enough that they'd be useful to him under normal circumstances. Even then, he's not finding it easy to focus. It's like his mind wants to absorb information faster than his eyes can serve it up, and because of that, it's latching on to every distraction it can find. Even if you think you're being quiet, anyone who dawdles more than a minute or two will be getting an irritated glare and a stern reprimand. ]

Would it kill you to keep it down?

03 | catch GatewayFailedException e { Gateway.lockdown(); }

[ Inevitably, though, he eventually finds his way back to R&D. He may poke around in unlocked areas to get a feel for the place, but his primary target is one lab in particular: the one that he's determined is his.

He thought it would be relatively simple. Sure, he can't remember any of his passcodes, but his biometrics haven't changed. Of course, nothing can ever be that easy - the thumbprint scanner works, but the keypad locks him out after a few random passcode attempts, prompting a sigh and some more self-directed muttering. ]

Suppose I should've expected that. Fine, Plan B it is.

[ It's an electronic lock, after all. He may not be clear on how to create anything with this power of his, but he's remarkably good at breaking shit, and for once that may actually come in handy. A moment's concentration, a wave of his hand, a brief cascade of blue light, and the mechanism comes away from the door in pieces, which clatter onto the floor as he releases them.

Did it work? He actually looks hopeful for a second... until the door emits a quick series of loud ker-thunks, and he realizes with sudden dismay that that's the sound of more locks engaging. ]

A fail-safe...?!

[ He might need some help. ]

[ OR: PM or hit me up on Discord (Kae#6067) for plotting or another prompt! ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ The walk he's taking is a slow one, though it can't really be called "leisurely" given how tense he is. He thinks it's helping? But he can't help noticing how little there is in the way of nature sounds. There's no wind to rustle the trees, only occasional bird calls... and even those sound weird to his ears. (He hopes they're birds, anyway.)

So the sudden crunching of claws through soil would have been pronounced enough on its own, even if it weren't taking place just a handful of meters ahead of him. Motion in the brush, a spray of dirt and leaves, and he finds himself face to face with something fluffy, bright purple, and large.

For a moment, all he can do is stare at the creature, in undisguised, open-mouthed amazement - maybe even awe. What is that? What is that?? There's no way that came from Earth, right? It's only belatedly, as he makes eye contact, that he starts to recognize the actual situation he's in. Whatever it is, it's much bigger than him, it's got a wicked-looking beak and claws, it's barely five meters away, and it's looking directly at him.

... Well! Seems he's in danger!

Before he can decide what to do about this, the beast starts ambling toward him, and he scrambles back a few steps, holding his hands out defensively. ]

Whoa, whoa whoa whoa! Steady on now. Easy...

[ I mean, not that he's scared or anything. Haha, scared, him? ... Okay yeah he's visibly scared. He doesn't even know how to handle domestic animals, much less whatever this is. For all he knows, "head down" could mean she's about to charge. ]

[She pauses, her head rising as he stops her. Oh no, she's gone and rattled him. Not what she meant to do at all, but she understands that not all uprights — especially those unfamiliar with her kind — understand the divinity inherent in her true form. They believe her to be a wild beast incapable of intelligence and grace.

And so, she speaks, keeping her voice soft, encouraging.]

It is all right, Qubit. [His name is just always going to have an extra syllable in it when she says it.] It is me, Elleru. There is no need to be frightened.

[And because such a gesture most certainly won't terrify him further, she's just going to bound right up to him to give him an affectionate nudge.]

[ She can talk? Qubit's shoulders drop, the fear in his expression yielding to confusion. ]

How do you - [ - know my name? he's about to say, but that's all the further he gets before she hops over and gently bumps her face into his chest.

It doesn't take a genius to connect the dots. This is somebody he knew, another friend he's forgotten. (Probably. She sure seems to think they're friends. Is she a she? Her voice sounds female, but this is an alien species or something, who knows if that's even remotely applicable...)

After a second, he gives her an awkward, experimental pat on the neck. Her fur is ... surprisingly soft, with a distinct earthy smell - predictably, given that she was burrowed underground thirty seconds ago. ]

Elleru. Right. I... didn't recognize you.

[ Wow, that sounds stupid. "Didn't recognize you"? How many other bright purple griffins do they have traipsing around? ... He has no idea how many other bright purple griffins they might have traipsing around. ]

[She tilts her head to one side, thinking along similar lines: what an odd thing for him to say, as he couldn't possibly recognize her like this. He must still be startled, she decides as she leans into his hand, delighted about the pat (however awkward and experimental it may be), an appreciative warble rattling out of her throat.

Detecting a hint of uncertainty in his voice, she attempts to reassure him further.]

Of course you did not, Qubit. There are not many who would.

[She takes a step back from him, and in the blink of an eye, the creature before him is gone, replaced with the upright form he would normally recognize — and given she's undressed right in front of him before, the nudity that comes with her shift ought not be anything new and surprising.]

Is this better?

Edited 2020-07-04 08:16 (UTC)

[ The transformation's close to instantaneous. One moment he's looking at a big fluffy mythical beast, and the next - a human woman. And for a few seconds after that, he's actually struck speechless. How?! That's - what did she just do? Can everyone here do six impossible things before breakfast? What about conservation of mass? What in the world is she?

Meanwhile, the fact that she's completely naked takes its time reaching him, like an uninvited guest arriving late to a party when the house is already on fire. It's not the most shocking thing that just happened, but it still needs addressing. ~~Also, dressing.~~ Belatedly, he claps a hand over his eyes. ]

For heaven's sake! A little warning?!

[ Sorry if he's starting to sound irritable, Elleru, but all of this is A Lot and he's not sure how he feels about basically any of it!! ]

[Elleru can't help but giggle as Qubit blinds himself to her naked form, though she is a little surprised he's still so prudish about it. She helped him find a new set of clothes! They should be on better terms, shouldn't they?

She steps over to the bushes where she emerged, finding her clothes and slipping into them piece by piece, quietly smiling the entire time.]

Come now, Qubit. This is not the first time you have see me bare.

[Uprights can be so prudish.]

Edited 2020-07-05 04:47 (UTC)

[ What?

He's not sure what it is - the teasing remark? the little giggle? - but something about that drops a knot of dread into his stomach like a stone. Not the first-? What is she implying?

... No way. It can't be. Can it? Just what kind of relationship do they have?

Unfortunately, even though this would have been the perfect time to disclose the amnesia issue - it is the first time, as far as he remembers - he is now too distracted to consider it. ]

Look - be that as it may, [ or may not, ] we're in public. Do you have something to wear, at least, or...

I do, but do not worry. It is just you and me here. We have privacy.

[At least she's pretty sure they do. She doesn't hear anyone else, nor see anyone. She probably would have realized she was no longer alone in the park if she'd taken a second to check before emerging from her den.

Oh well. She's making the most of this encounter as she makes her way back toward him, draping her various necklaces around her as the final touches on her usual upright attire. She gives Qubit a better look up and down herself now that she's not as worried about how he will take her natural form, and that's when she notices something is... off about him. Maybe it's the hair, maybe it's the demeanor, or maybe—

She reaches out to him, running her fingers along the collar of his shirt — blue, not green — as her brow tightens, her lips pursing.]

I believe you said this was 'really not your color.' Have you had a change of heart?

Edited 2020-07-05 05:34 (UTC)

[ Okay. Okay. At least she's got a change of clothes. "We have privacy" is a little ominous, but only if she's not putting them on, and it sounds like she is. He'll give her another second, which doubles as a second he can use to collect himself.

I mean, holy shit, so much for clearing his head! This whole situation is utterly alien to his (currently limited) experience, and his mind's off to the races trying to fit the pieces together. Is she a woman who can turn into a griffin, or the other way round? Where did he get the term "griffin" from? Is that actually what she is? How did she do that? Do the laws of physics still matter? Also by the way was he sleeping with her??

(... And for that one, what does he want the answer to be?)

He still has his eyes covered until her hand brushes his collar, making him jump. She is fully dressed now, fortunately, but that's still a little close. ]

What? Maybe? I don't know.

[ She means his shirt? The story there is, apparently he lives in a lab, which he's forgotten the passcode to, and while he's working out how to get back inside, he has to wear something. Meanwhile, there are a bunch of surplus clothes sitting around gathering dust. (It's not stealing, it's scavenging.) ]

I - I was only paying attention to the fit, I didn't have time to be picky.

[His answer makes her frown, her magenta eyes flicking up to his face.]

Why was it you were in such a hurry this morning? A hurry that you could not bother with your color?

[She reaches to the tree nearby and plucks off a sprig with the greenest leaves, tucking it into his shirt pocket with a wide smile. There - that suits him better, even if there is still a lot of blue.]

[ Because he's always in a hurry. Because he can't seem to stop. Because he's lost control of his life. Take your pick, there are plenty of reasons. The garnish is a puzzling touch, but he doesn't remove it - anyway, his hands are busy vaguely gesticulating. ]

Why is this such an issue? Maybe I've got more important things to worry about than my wardrobe.

[Elleru's ears dip, her smile fading.]

You were so concerned about it before. It did not fit your figure. It was the wrong color. You wanted to be dignified and handsome, not flamboyant.

[Her cadence is that of someone reciting a list rather than coming up with those terms on her own.]

[ If anything, that makes it worse. Her being hung up on it, that's one thing, but why was he? It tracks, after all - in hindsight, he did pass up a fair number of options as "too flashy". He's not that superficial, is he? They're all trapped on a radioactive alien hellworld, for God's sake! What's that say about his priorities? ]

Well, sorry! Maybe I'll have more time for fashion once I'm not so busy relearning freshman chemistry.

[She pats his lapel, the corner of her mouth curling.]

I accept your apology.

[Sorry Qubit, but sarcasm is real hit-or-miss with Elleru. She decides that maybe the outfit seemed more important at the time due to the party, and now that it's passed, he's focused on the future. Such a busy upright.]

Tell me, is this freshman chemistry one of your many studies?

[ Once again, Elleru proves herself a dab hand at clotheslining Qubit's outbursts. By the time he works out where the apology was, his momentum is already gone. Along with his train of thought. Back into the confused mess it goes.

What are they talking about? Chemistry? ... Oh, hell, he really said "freshman chemistry" just now, didn't he? That was an egregious slip-up. Maybe if he just... quietly pretends he didn't say "freshman." ]

... Yes? Yes. Chemistry, biology, physics, astronomy...

[ More to the point, he's been devouring every scientific text he can get his hands on. It's the one thing he can get his head around lately. But if he lets her press the attack, anything he says will betray how much he doesn't know anymore, and that scenario almost makes him sick to his stomach.

No matter what their relationship is, he cannot let her think he's stupid. ]

What are yours? Er - your fields of study, that is. I don't recall if you've told me. [ Technically the truth. ]

I study many things, but now that you know my secret, I suppose I may tell you my favorite.

[She leans in just a little closer, lowering her voice as though there were anyone else around to hear.]

I study people, Qubit. Uprights. Where they come from. Who they are. What it is they enjoy.

[ Alright, well, she was already pretty close, but that's fine. This is fine. Personal space is made up anyway. (He leans away juuust slightly.)

Her secret? That's referring to the griffin thing, obviously. She did say there weren't many who would recognize her like that. But the term uprights - that tells him this isn't her natural form. It's the other one.

Even if his memory were intact, this would be his first time seeing it - that much is clear from context. There's no reason for him to feel a ripple of panic at this revelation. But then, reason has very little to do with it. Surely he wouldn't have-! But he doesn't know. There's no proof anything's happened between them regardless-! But he doesn't know.

She studies "uprights" by disguising herself as one. She wants to know what makes them tick. But why? Curiosity? Novelty? They're as alien to her as she would be to them. Some ulterior motive? Or is it simply for fun?

Qubit folds his arms, eyeing her with suspicion. Whatever the reason, he finds he's not too keen on the idea of being studied. ]

Really. Well, I hope I've been an entertaining case study.

[Qubit regards her carefully, and Elleru smiles in return, humming as she basks in his momentary attention, no matter what the true reason is for it.]

You have been a very interesting study. You are such a... puzzle? Con... no, conundrum. So unwilling to wear any color but his own at the party, but here you are without it, as if it is no longer important. So busy helping others, but does not want help himself. So informative on many subjects, but so... shy about intimacy.

[Her expression hardens just a hair — her tone and the soft crook of her mouth says she's teasing, but there is a legitimate sense of scrutiny in her eyes — so sharp, vibrant, and definitely inhuman upon any closer inspection — as she studies his face.]

Edited 2020-07-24 09:23 (UTC)

[ Qubit's watching her, too, at first, but it's no simple thing to try and gauge her motives when he's still trying to sort out his own. Why does he care so much about his appearance? Why is he so averse to asking for help? He's at least as much a conundrum to himself as he is to her.

Intentionally or otherwise, though, this is granting him some insight. She can probably spot the exact moment it dawns on him - some of the tension goes out of his shoulders, and there's a shift in his expression, the wariness and suspicion replaced by a sort of grim amusement. ]

... My God. I'm always this bad, aren't I? [ He glances back up to her, this time seeking confirmation. ] That's it, isn't it! I didn't forget how to talk to you, I never knew how in the first place!

[And there goes Qubit again, being an utter conundrum. Elleru's ears prick up in quiet surprise, and she can't help but laugh: it's warm and genuine, breaking through her serious air. Even uprights she's known for a while can catch her off-guard — what truly wonderful creatures.

She lets out a delighted sigh as she catches her breath, brushing her fingers along the sprig in his lapel before she gives it a little tug.]

All the times we have spoken, and you have never learned? Come, sit with me. I will teach you how to speak to a lady like me.

[She beelines for the water's edge, taking a seat and patting the ground beside her.]

Edited 2020-08-10 23:30 (UTC)

[ She has a charming laugh - though he's surprised at himself for thinking so. Every time he thinks he has things figured out, something just has to come along and throw him for a loop. He was all set to decide, No, of course it's not that kind of relationship, who would want that with someone who's this much of an awkward mess - but if she actually finds it endearing, then he's right back to the drawing board.

And she has the cheek to call him confusing!

Still - that went a long way toward lightening the mood. He's not sure what she's trying to offer, exactly, but... maybe he can take it at face value? They're just going to talk. He'll explain his situation, he'll tell her what's making him so uncomfortable - once he figures that out himself, anyway - and she can confirm what, if anything, they are to each other. Yes. That's a good plan, which will definitely not go flying out the window at the first sign of a curveball.

He could just leave, of course. Come up with an excuse, make himself scarce for a while. But the curiosity between them isn't one-sided. He wants to find out more about her, too. For academic reasons, or personal? He can't say for certain, but at the moment that seems immaterial.

Qubit follows Elleru to the water, hands in his pockets, and takes a seat in the grass nearby. He isn't really thinking about how close he should or shouldn't sit, but as we know, his idea of a comfortable distance is significantly larger than hers. ]

[It doesn't matter how close Qubit chose to sit, as Elleru scoots closer the moment he's on the ground. She leans just slightly over his shoulder in the casual way one who is as tall as her probably does to almost everyone else. Her height works to her advantage, and it's one she's happy to use.]

Tell me, Qubit. [She brushes some of his hair back into its usual place; it goes back to drooping a second later.] Why is it you do not like to talk about yourself?

[ Okay, well, by now he's starting to suspect she may not understand personal space. He doesn't bother trying to worm away this time, though he does duck his head back when she has a go at his hair. He knows it looks awful, okay, don't mess with it.

Figures she'd start right in with the tough questions. Right now, obviously, it's because he doesn't know anything about himself. He should just tell her that, it's what he sat down intending to do, and yet - well -

It's a question he wants answered, too. Here and there, in between overviews of robotics and dense treatises on fluid dynamics and everything else, Qubit's been studying himself, too. Going over old network posts, trying to connect the dots. But the old Qubit didn't leave many dots to connect. Maybe there's more in his private inbox - he can't get into that without a password - but somehow he doubts it. The one thing everyone seems to agree on is how secretive he was. Hell, he's lived here for almost a year, and even his friends know virtually nothing about him.

Moreover, the lines he can draw are resolving into a picture he's not sure he likes.

Oh, he seems nice enough. Provided you don't look too close. He offers his help when there's trouble, and doesn't ask for anything in return. He warns people of danger, shows compassion when they're struggling. He's polite and diplomatic, most of the time. Professional. He's been doing some good work. Which is good, right? Objectively, he can get behind that.

But is that a reliable indicator of who he truly is? He's also seen moments where the mask slips. With certain people, it's all acerbic wit, direct insults, outright threats. Anger, vindictiveness, vanity. He's felt some of that volatility firsthand, in the past few days - hell, even in the past few minutes.

Carlisle assured him that he's a good man. But he also admitted that might be what Qubit wanted him to think, and Qubit's starting to find merit in that assessment. He's beginning to think that, perhaps, he is not as good a man as he leads people to believe. Why all the secrecy, unless he has something to hide? ]

[ After a long moment of silence, he lets out a sigh. ] I don't know. [ But he can make an educated guess. ] Maybe it's that I'm... too preoccupied with my image.

[That was more of an answer than Elleru expected, frankly. Her look softens as she lets his words linger, her eyes turning to the water before them: the surface of it is wonderfully reflective, still, serene. It's a peaceful sight unlike any in Anchor, and for all the wondrous discoveries she's made and new experiences she's had, Elleru always comes back to this one that reminds her so much of the world she left behind. She finds it helps her think — she's hoping it'll do the same for Qubit.]

You are. [As forthright as ever.] But I wonder why that is. Perhaps you do not want others to see the true you. Perhaps you are like me, and before coming here, you had a reason to wear a mask.

[She smiles fondly as she considers who she is now, and who she wants to be. As she's mostly conjecturing to herself, she doesn't wait for him to reply before continuing, her tone lighter.]

Or maybe you simply do not wish to be seen as unattractive. But for who?

[ It's about as much answer as he can give her, at the moment. Presumably he has a reason to maintain his persona, and presumably that reason originated elsewhere, before he set foot in Anchor - but beyond that, her guess is as good as his.

Her last quip earns a raised eyebrow, though. ] What do you mean?

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