[ Qubit's eyes drift absently over the water while he listens, but he is listening. Maybe he was wrong, he's beginning to realize. Maybe Carlisle really does get it after all.
That shouldn't come as a surprise. Their situations are comparable, their psychologies similar. Carlisle's experienced the agitation of a restless brain, the tendency to fixate, the inability to let go. He knows what it's like being overwhelmed by inner turmoil, and he understands, better than just about anyone, the fear of losing control. But likewise, he understands the danger of trying to pack it down and face his personal demons alone. That was Carlisle's only real mistake amid all the misfortune: locking himself in, both figuratively and literally, until his resentment and despair ate him alive. And though Tony made a lot of mistakes, walling himself off was certainly one of them.
But his friend makes a strong point. Of course Qubit likes to think he's capable of learning from the past. He's wondered, at times, what would have happened if Tony had found a more appropriate outlet? Be it therapy, a trustworthy confidant, whatever... how might things have been different? Naturally, he can think of any number of reasons it might not have helped, but... what if it had?
Navel-gazing aside, Qubit's well aware how much it's helped him. Having someone he can go to for help, or voice his concerns and frustrations to - it's been absolutely invaluable over the last few weeks. And yet...
He can't quite shake the feeling that this is all a terrible mistake.
It's not going to end well, he can feel it. It's only a matter of time. He could have done this, once, but he's not the same person he was then. He's too brittle anymore. Sure, he's taken some opportunities to make a difference in people's lives - but how many more has he missed? How many critical moments have there been where someone needed him and he wasn't there? If he'd only been stronger, more resilient, he could have handled it. He wouldn't have failed the few people who (inadvisably) looked up to him.
If he'd been a little stronger, he could have shaken Superman's hand.
It takes him a while to respond, the inner conflict playing out across his face. But now his gaze finds Carlisle again - and lands on his hands, specifically, as they nervously worry at the fabric of his gloves. He realizes two things in that moment, with sudden clarity.
First: that Carlisle is still nursing the same fear from before. He's still afraid that Qubit will shut him out, try to go back to the dysfunctional way things were between them.
And second: that, perversely, that's the exact behavior Qubit's trying to justify to himself. He softens, remorseful. ]
I know. I know you are.
[ ... Well. Ask, and you shall receive. It so happens he has some very relevant fears to unburden himself of right now. ]
It's just - I feel as if I'm going to let you down again. [ Shakes his head lightly. ] In fact, I'm almost certain I will. I know how highly you think of me, but -
[ He pauses a second, casting about for the right words. ]
I want to be sure you're not just - no. I want you to be - you shouldn't have to compromise your values for me, Carlisle. I don't want you changing what you mean by "good" just to suit me.
no subject
That shouldn't come as a surprise. Their situations are comparable, their psychologies similar. Carlisle's experienced the agitation of a restless brain, the tendency to fixate, the inability to let go. He knows what it's like being overwhelmed by inner turmoil, and he understands, better than just about anyone, the fear of losing control. But likewise, he understands the danger of trying to pack it down and face his personal demons alone. That was Carlisle's only real mistake amid all the misfortune: locking himself in, both figuratively and literally, until his resentment and despair ate him alive. And though Tony made a lot of mistakes, walling himself off was certainly one of them.
But his friend makes a strong point. Of course Qubit likes to think he's capable of learning from the past. He's wondered, at times, what would have happened if Tony had found a more appropriate outlet? Be it therapy, a trustworthy confidant, whatever... how might things have been different? Naturally, he can think of any number of reasons it might not have helped, but... what if it had?
Navel-gazing aside, Qubit's well aware how much it's helped him. Having someone he can go to for help, or voice his concerns and frustrations to - it's been absolutely invaluable over the last few weeks. And yet...
He can't quite shake the feeling that this is all a terrible mistake.
It's not going to end well, he can feel it. It's only a matter of time. He could have done this, once, but he's not the same person he was then. He's too brittle anymore. Sure, he's taken some opportunities to make a difference in people's lives - but how many more has he missed? How many critical moments have there been where someone needed him and he wasn't there? If he'd only been stronger, more resilient, he could have handled it. He wouldn't have failed the few people who (inadvisably) looked up to him.
If he'd been a little stronger, he could have shaken Superman's hand.
It takes him a while to respond, the inner conflict playing out across his face. But now his gaze finds Carlisle again - and lands on his hands, specifically, as they nervously worry at the fabric of his gloves. He realizes two things in that moment, with sudden clarity.
First: that Carlisle is still nursing the same fear from before. He's still afraid that Qubit will shut him out, try to go back to the dysfunctional way things were between them.
And second: that, perversely, that's the exact behavior Qubit's trying to justify to himself. He softens, remorseful. ]
I know. I know you are.
[ ... Well. Ask, and you shall receive. It so happens he has some very relevant fears to unburden himself of right now. ]
It's just - I feel as if I'm going to let you down again. [ Shakes his head lightly. ] In fact, I'm almost certain I will. I know how highly you think of me, but -
[ He pauses a second, casting about for the right words. ]
I want to be sure you're not just - no. I want you to be - you shouldn't have to compromise your values for me, Carlisle. I don't want you changing what you mean by "good" just to suit me.