[It's a word that Kieran hadn't heard often, and one that cuts deep now that he has. He doesn't quite flinch, at least not visibly, but he's finding it tougher to make eye contact with Ben. Back then, in the Wild West, outlaws would paint their activities not as breaking the law, but as a great equalizer. In civilization, the rich and powerful made the rules and expected everyone else to follow them. Outside of those rules was where true freedom could be obtained. They answered to nobody except the occasional run-in with a lawman, but even then, loopholes and a basic understanding of your fellow man's weaknesses took care of that well enough.]
[But the reality was much different. Promises of freedom and living by your own rules were undermined by a different brand of social hierarchy and a different set of rules that tended to serve the meaner and bigger gangs out there. Kieran fell for those promises, kicked out of the opportunities (or lack thereof) that 'proper civilization' offered, and yearning for something more, something that could keep him alive and happy and free.]
[Throughout all his time in those gangs, he'd been one of those things consistently, and even that was something he barely managed.]
[So the word hurts, and so does the implication behind it, but it's not Ben's fault that it does, and it's not his fault that Kieran can't exactly explain why.]
I-It... I...
[He's told the story so many times before, but that had always been to other outlaws. To other people who'd done, at the very least, illegal things to survive. They couldn't judge him for his path. That made it easy.]
[Here, Kieran feels like he has to justify himself. At the same time, it's the first time he's ever had to try.]
[And the scariest part about it is that he's not sure if he can.]
A-A little while after my parents died, the stable I worked at kicked me out. After that, I joined the Army, and, uh, i-it didn't end well. Soon enough, I fell in with a gang of outlaws. Minded their horses. That gang got wiped out by an even bigger gang. The, uh, the O'Driscolls.
[He falls silent at the name. His throat closes up at the memories, and a hand instinctively rises up to rub at his neck. That's another conversation for later. Assuming his and Ben's friendship lasts through this one.]
I-I ran with them fer a few months, also takin' care of their horses. Sometimes runnin' stuff for 'em. Then, one day, one of their camps got attacked. I-I was supposed to be there, but C-Colm O'Driscoll--the leader--sent me out to do somethin' else. I got chased down by a feller named Arthur Morgan. He, uh, he ran with another gang led by Dutch van der Linde.
Th-The Van der Lindes and the O'Driscolls, they don't, uh, they don't like each other much. So that meant they didn't like me much, neither. So they, uh, they tied me to a post. A-And then they moved camps and tied me to a tree fer a couple more weeks. No food, uh, sometimes I got water.
That was a good time!
[IT WASN'T.]
Anyway, they did that until they could get some information about the O'Driscolls outta me. They, uh, they did. And then Arthur let me stay with 'em after I saved his life. I-I had to ask, of course, but it was better than bein' let loose ta fend fer myself.
no subject
[It's a word that Kieran hadn't heard often, and one that cuts deep now that he has. He doesn't quite flinch, at least not visibly, but he's finding it tougher to make eye contact with Ben. Back then, in the Wild West, outlaws would paint their activities not as breaking the law, but as a great equalizer. In civilization, the rich and powerful made the rules and expected everyone else to follow them. Outside of those rules was where true freedom could be obtained. They answered to nobody except the occasional run-in with a lawman, but even then, loopholes and a basic understanding of your fellow man's weaknesses took care of that well enough.]
[But the reality was much different. Promises of freedom and living by your own rules were undermined by a different brand of social hierarchy and a different set of rules that tended to serve the meaner and bigger gangs out there. Kieran fell for those promises, kicked out of the opportunities (or lack thereof) that 'proper civilization' offered, and yearning for something more, something that could keep him alive and happy and free.]
[Throughout all his time in those gangs, he'd been one of those things consistently, and even that was something he barely managed.]
[So the word hurts, and so does the implication behind it, but it's not Ben's fault that it does, and it's not his fault that Kieran can't exactly explain why.]
I-It... I...
[He's told the story so many times before, but that had always been to other outlaws. To other people who'd done, at the very least, illegal things to survive. They couldn't judge him for his path. That made it easy.]
[Here, Kieran feels like he has to justify himself. At the same time, it's the first time he's ever had to try.]
[And the scariest part about it is that he's not sure if he can.]
A-A little while after my parents died, the stable I worked at kicked me out. After that, I joined the Army, and, uh, i-it didn't end well. Soon enough, I fell in with a gang of outlaws. Minded their horses. That gang got wiped out by an even bigger gang. The, uh, the O'Driscolls.
[He falls silent at the name. His throat closes up at the memories, and a hand instinctively rises up to rub at his neck. That's another conversation for later. Assuming his and Ben's friendship lasts through this one.]
I-I ran with them fer a few months, also takin' care of their horses. Sometimes runnin' stuff for 'em. Then, one day, one of their camps got attacked. I-I was supposed to be there, but C-Colm O'Driscoll--the leader--sent me out to do somethin' else. I got chased down by a feller named Arthur Morgan. He, uh, he ran with another gang led by Dutch van der Linde.
Th-The Van der Lindes and the O'Driscolls, they don't, uh, they don't like each other much. So that meant they didn't like me much, neither. So they, uh, they tied me to a post. A-And then they moved camps and tied me to a tree fer a couple more weeks. No food, uh, sometimes I got water.
That was a good time!
[IT WASN'T.]
Anyway, they did that until they could get some information about the O'Driscolls outta me. They, uh, they did. And then Arthur let me stay with 'em after I saved his life. I-I had to ask, of course, but it was better than bein' let loose ta fend fer myself.
[At least, that's what he thought at the time.]