[It takes a minute or two for him to unwind, and even longer than that to work up the nerve to speak.
This is something that has festered inside him for as long as he can remember, but he's never said it aloud, never taken the chance that it could be affirmed and therefore destroy him. But after what Lalli's done to him, Onni deserves to hear it. To be given that chance, if it's what he wants.]
I'm not stupid. I know I'm different from other people.
[It's hard to know what to say, to give voice to this. The words are slow and halting and he prays Onni knows not to interrupt him until he's done, or the fragile thread pulling these thoughts from his mouth will break and they'll be lost.]
I know I do things and think differently and everyone thinks there's something wrong with me and maybe they're right. [His tone makes it clear that he's stating a fact. This isn't an insecurity given voice, it's the truth.] And I know it's... that I'm...
[He gestures helplessly, because there isn't a word that will encompass what he's trying to say, one word that can truly describe the struggle of him. He settles on:]
Difficult.
[He takes a shaky breath and keeps going.] I know I was harder to deal with than Tuuri. I know that's why you yell at me and why grandma yelled at me and Tuuri hit me. And you look so tired all the time, and... now that Tuuri...
[He can't bring himself to finish the sentence. He doesn't need to, anyway, and what he's about to say is hard enough to get out. There's something in his throat thick enough to get out, and the effort drops his voice to a whisper.]
I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me if it's trouble for you. It's okay. I get it.
[Here he glances briefly at Onni, as if to gauge his reaction, before his eyes flick back down. The next part comes out a little sheepish, as if he's quite aware how dumb it sounds now.]
And I didn't want to talk to you because I thought you were angry and I didn't want to get a lecture.
no subject
This is something that has festered inside him for as long as he can remember, but he's never said it aloud, never taken the chance that it could be affirmed and therefore destroy him. But after what Lalli's done to him, Onni deserves to hear it. To be given that chance, if it's what he wants.]
I'm not stupid. I know I'm different from other people.
[It's hard to know what to say, to give voice to this. The words are slow and halting and he prays Onni knows not to interrupt him until he's done, or the fragile thread pulling these thoughts from his mouth will break and they'll be lost.]
I know I do things and think differently and everyone thinks there's something wrong with me and maybe they're right. [His tone makes it clear that he's stating a fact. This isn't an insecurity given voice, it's the truth.] And I know it's... that I'm...
[He gestures helplessly, because there isn't a word that will encompass what he's trying to say, one word that can truly describe the struggle of him. He settles on:]
Difficult.
[He takes a shaky breath and keeps going.] I know I was harder to deal with than Tuuri. I know that's why you yell at me and why grandma yelled at me and Tuuri hit me. And you look so tired all the time, and... now that Tuuri...
[He can't bring himself to finish the sentence. He doesn't need to, anyway, and what he's about to say is hard enough to get out. There's something in his throat thick enough to get out, and the effort drops his voice to a whisper.]
I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me if it's trouble for you. It's okay. I get it.
[Here he glances briefly at Onni, as if to gauge his reaction, before his eyes flick back down. The next part comes out a little sheepish, as if he's quite aware how dumb it sounds now.]
And I didn't want to talk to you because I thought you were angry and I didn't want to get a lecture.