redshiftlogs | [semi-open] never betray the way you've always known it is

I'm not afraid of you!

[Is that what Onni thinks? Is that what Cho told him? He doesn't remember a lot of the exact details of the conversation, just that Cho had taken the phone away and he didn't know why, but he'd learned by then that it's better to follow her lead.

He curls up again now, his hands not quite over his ears but hovering there, threatening to land. He knows he's not supposed to, it's bad for his fever for some reason, but he can't help it, and he doesn't really know why, and maybe that's the problem.]

That's not why I left.

[The real reason he's afraid to even contemplate, let alone give words to, like putting it out into the universe would make it truth.]

Okay.

[Lalli's answer is so vehement and immediate that it's a little startling. Onni blinks owlishly at him for a moment, his expression a little surprised, before it passes. Biting at the inside of his lower lip, Onni restructures his understanding of the situation, opens his mouth to start to explain that she had made it sound very much like Onni was bad for Lalli. That he's been thinking about it and he understands why, that he's too overbearing, too needy, too demanding. To try to tell him that he'll change the way he acts to make it better, even if it's difficult to do.

But when he lifts his head and looks at Lalli to start speaking, his cousin is curled up with his hands hovering over his ears, and Onni snaps his mouth shut. For a moment, he's silent, and then he speaks carefully.]

Tell me when you can, Lalli. I'll stay here.

[Onni knows that with his fever it's not good for his cousin to fold his body up like that. But he also knows that the distress he would cause by pushing him and taking away his coping mechanism will damage him more than a few minutes of being curled up.]

It's okay.

Edited 2019-11-27 19:29 (UTC)

[It takes a minute or two for him to unwind, and even longer than that to work up the nerve to speak.

This is something that has festered inside him for as long as he can remember, but he's never said it aloud, never taken the chance that it could be affirmed and therefore destroy him. But after what Lalli's done to him, Onni deserves to hear it. To be given that chance, if it's what he wants.]

I'm not stupid. I know I'm different from other people.

[It's hard to know what to say, to give voice to this. The words are slow and halting and he prays Onni knows not to interrupt him until he's done, or the fragile thread pulling these thoughts from his mouth will break and they'll be lost.]

I know I do things and think differently and everyone thinks there's something wrong with me and maybe they're right. [His tone makes it clear that he's stating a fact. This isn't an insecurity given voice, it's the truth.] And I know it's... that I'm...

[He gestures helplessly, because there isn't a word that will encompass what he's trying to say, one word that can truly describe the struggle of him. He settles on:]

Difficult.

[He takes a shaky breath and keeps going.] I know I was harder to deal with than Tuuri. I know that's why you yell at me and why grandma yelled at me and Tuuri hit me. And you look so tired all the time, and... now that Tuuri...

[He can't bring himself to finish the sentence. He doesn't need to, anyway, and what he's about to say is hard enough to get out. There's something in his throat thick enough to get out, and the effort drops his voice to a whisper.]

I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me if it's trouble for you. It's okay. I get it.

[Here he glances briefly at Onni, as if to gauge his reaction, before his eyes flick back down. The next part comes out a little sheepish, as if he's quite aware how dumb it sounds now.]

And I didn't want to talk to you because I thought you were angry and I didn't want to get a lecture.

[While Lalli unwinds, Onni just keeps himself quiet and still, giving him space, though he glances over at him frequently, eyes flicking back and forth between the floor and Lalli's face and shoulders and chest, watching him breathe. After being so afraid for so many hours about his safety, being able to reassure himself of Lalli's life and breath is something he can't stop himself from doing.

And when Lalli speaks, Onni listens, but keeps himself from looking at Lalli in the face, giving him the space to speak, not interrupting or doing any of the other things he's learned through years of trial and error that overwhelm his cousin. Every word hurts, and Onni's shoulders hunch a little, his brows furrow - there's guilt, a lot of it, when Lalli says that he knows he's difficult and harder to deal with than Tuuri, and that he knows that's why his family had yelled at him and hit him. It's something he doesn't like to think about, all those times he'd been so frazzled and afraid and out of his depth that he'd shouted orders at Lalli instead of making him understand in a more productive way, just to get him to do the safe thing, or the thing that wouldn't alienate all of them from the community. A habit he'd picked up from his grandmother, and hadn't tried hard enough to correct.

When Lalli says that he doesn't want him to feel like he has to take care of him if it's trouble, Onni looks over at him, brows still furrowed, shakes his head but doesn't open his mouth. Catches the words in his throat and holds onto them so he can say more later. But all that Lalli has left to say is a sheepish confession that he'd thought he was going to get a lecture and that's why he wouldn't talk to Onni.

Sighing, Onni pushes his hand through his hair again, and takes a few moments to gather his thoughts.]

Some of that is true. You are different from most people, how you act and think. I've always thought that. But it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. That's just how you are.

[Onni's eyes stay on Lalli's face, though he doesn't quite meet his eyes, and if he's being honest, that's as much for his own comfort as Lalli's right now.]

Sometimes it's hard to understand you, and to know what things you need and don't need from me, but...

[A pause, because he has to catch his breath, and he fiddles with a loose thread on the hem of his sleeve, taking a second to organize his mind.]

But that doesn't mean it's trouble for me to look after you. I'm tired because I'm always sad, but mostly because I'm always worried about you. About whether you're safe and okay and whether the people you're with when I'm not around will treat you the way they should.

[Another careful breath, and he tugs at the thread, feels some of the hem of his sleeve unravel, drops it before he does more damage. He's tired of doing damage.]

None of that is trouble, I do it because I love you. I'm sorry I yelled so often. I know I didn't always handle you the way I should have, and I didn't know what you needed from me. It's not an excuse, and I'll try to be better.

[After another moment, he lifts his gaze and looks at Lalli again, in the face, searching his expression, hoping desperately that he hadn't just hurt him more.]

[Lalli looks at Onni while he talks, his face carefully neutral. When Onni's said his piece, he's surprised that he feels...

Nothing.

No, that's wrong. He feels, oddly, something like disappointment. He's not sure what else he was expecting, except that maybe since he was making the effort to be honest, Onni would show him the same courtesy. Lalli gave him the opportunity he needed to come clean without guilt, and all he'd done with it is be in denial like usual.

He's so tired.

Lalli sighs, a long exhale through the nose, and turns away to look at the wall. His voice is flat.]

You don't have to lie to me. I told you, I get it.

I know Tuuri was your priority. I'm saying that it's okay and this doesn't have to be your job anymore, now that you don't have to look after her. I don't have to be your obligation. You can go, if that's what you want. I'll understand.

[There's nothing on Lalli's face when he looks at Onni again, and he feels that numb sort of emptiness come back where there'd been hope a moment ago. Shifting uncomfortably, he furrows his brows while Lalli sighs and looks away from him and talks in that flat voice that Onni recognizes as being bad.

What Lalli says to him is like a punch in the gut, and he hunches his shoulders, flinches away from it like it was a physical blow. Suddenly the tears well up again, because this feels like trying to catch water in his hands, and no matter how much he tries to hold onto, it keeps slipping away. He tries to hold them back, but he can't, and he brings his hands up to his face again to try to hide them. The bathroom is too small, though, the acoustics are too good, and his hitched breaths echo in the silence.]

That's not what I want, Lalli!

[It comes out rough and hitched and he drops his hands from his face so he can wipe at his eyes with the back of his hand, looking over at his cousin.]

Tuuri wasn't...she...

[The sob catches him off-guard and he makes an undignified wet hiccup, scrubs at his face with his knuckles again, but keeps going.]

She was difficult too, you know. She tried to run off into the forest all the time, she talked you into going with her, and you were both so small. And when I came and got you both and shouted at you both, she cried and called me names and you seemed fine. I didn't understand you, I thought you were okay.

[For a moment, he has to stop, because he isn't sure where he's even going with all of this, he doesn't know how to make Lalli believe him.]

I thought you were okay and didn't need my attention all the time. Maybe...maybe before we came to Keuruu she was my priority. She was my sister. But you were both my...you were my family...Lalli, if it was just an obligation, I would've given you away. People asked me if I wanted to and I knew maybe someone else could do better by you. You were so small and so different and I was fifteen, but I wouldn't let anyone else take you away.

[At that, he cuts himself off and takes a few shaky breaths.]

It's why I was so angry at that woman today. I felt like she was taking you away from me. I don't know how else to make you believe me, Lalli.

Edited 2019-11-27 21:46 (UTC)

[He doesn't understand. He was so sure of this, so sure he'd be freeing Onni from something by putting it all out in the open, but Onni is more upset than ever--can Lalli do anything else? Why does Onni do this to himself?--and Lalli only feels lost.]

But...

[Even thinking this makes tears prick at his eyes, makes his chest ache like he's scraping something painful and rotten out of his heart that should never see the light of day and thrusting it out into the open. Why is Onni making him say this? He'd thought he'd known the answer, but now he feels like he knows nothing at all.]

If Tuuri had come back instead of me, you wouldn't have left her.

[It's not a question. And yet, it is.]

[Something about the way Lalli says that makes it seem particularly poignant, like Onni left the way he had because he loved Lalli less or prioritized him less when that hadn't been the case at all. There are many reasons he might have behaved differently if Lalli had died instead of Tuuri, and he has to admit that there certainly is a difference in how he had felt about the two of them, but only because of their different personalities and relationships to him. Tuuri was his sister; Lalli was his cousin, and one he hadn't seen often before they'd gone to Keuruu.

Part of him despairs at how unfair it feels to have Lalli ask him this, when there are so many ways to misinterpret it. Especially when it's become so obvious that Lalli is in an incredibly fragile emotional state and prone to disbelieving Onni's reassurances. For a moment, he wonders if this is how Tuuri had felt trying to relate to him. No wonder she'd been so frustrated at times.

There's no choice but to answer, though, and to answer honestly. After all, he'd promised himself and Lalli that he would never lie to him again.]

Maybe, maybe not. I can't know for sure because that isn't the way it happened. Tuuri wasn't a mage and it wouldn't hunt her, just me, and that's more tolerable than it hunting both of us.

[He takes a careful, steadying breath.]

I would have gone, eventually. It can't be left out there to keep attacking villages. Maybe I wouldn't have gone as quickly.

[A pause, and he rubs at his eyes, breath hitching again. Squeezing them shut, he exhales shakily.]

I didn't leave you because I don't care about you. I left you because I thought you were okay without me. You told me already I was wrong, I didn't understand what you needed from me. I probably would have realized that she needed me, if she were in your place, because I understood her more.

[Another careful ateadying breath. This is never easy. This doesn't come naturally for either of them.]

If what you're asking is whether I loved Tuuri more than you, the answer is no. Differently, of course. She was my sister. But not more than you.

Edited 2019-11-28 00:07 (UTC)

[Lalli just stares at him, stunned.]

Oh.

[He doesn't know what to say to that. He doesn't know what to feel at that. He feels like the universe has been turned on its head. He'd been so sure of this, with a deep-seated conviction, an acceptance of his status of less as fact. It was as comfortable and familiar as it was miserable. Now it's gone, and he feels utterly uprooted.

He curls up again, his eyes pressed into his bare knees, and immediately feels tears trickle down his legs to mingle with the bathwater. He feels like he's cried more these past few months than he ever has before in his entire life, and he really doesn't care for it. This is different from before, though; before, it had been all rage and frustration and grief, and he'd felt just as twisted up afterward as he had before.

Now he's curled up in a bathtub crying quietly into his knees, and instead of knotted up he feels hollow and light. Like he hadn't known he'd been carrying a weight. Strange, almost like a different person, though he realizes dimly that might just be the fever.]

I'm sorry.

[He doesn't know what he's apologizing for, except everything. There's so much. Sorry for having done this, sorry for hurting his cousin who had only wanted the best for him all along, sorry for being hard to understand, sorry for Tuuri. Sorry for causing problems. Sorry for getting sick and having feelings that don't make sense and for making mistakes and for not being good enough and for crying. Sorry for their whole stupid, pointlessly difficult lives.]

[It seems he's finally reached the root of the problem, and now that he knows, the understanding of it hurts. Had it really been twelve years of Lalli thinking he was a secondary priority, loved less than Tuuri by the only guardian figure he had left? It hurts to think of, as much as it had hurt to think of Lalli feeling Tuuri's death, as much as thinking of Lalli feeling like her death had been his fault.

Onni's chest hitches and his eyes flood again, but he holds the tears back, feels capable of it because he feels protective over Lalli. Because his cousin has never looked as skinny and fragile as he does right now, crying in a bathtub with a fever, apologizing to him.]

It's not your fault.

[It comes out softer than he intends it to, but he thinks right now that's okay. Both of them have hurt each other and they've both suffered by their own hand, and none of this is easy, but they have each other, still.

Sliding off the seat of the toilet, Onni settles on the edge of the tub instead, reaches out to pull some of Lalli's damp hair away from his cheek, tests his temperature by resting his knuckles against Lalli's cheek and temple. Then he settles his hand on Lalli's bony shoulder and rubs soothing circles against his back.]

I'll be here for as long as you want me.

[For the first time since that horrible conversation with Cho, the emptiness in him feels like it's subsiding. Softly, he exhales and feels like he's venting the last of it.]

[It passes more quickly than before, too, and within seconds he's back to just sitting miserably, feeling drained and very, very stupid. He's lucky Onni's still here after all of that. He doesn't even have the energy to be appropriately grateful. Honestly, he feels like he needs to sleep for three days.

He is still sick, after all.

He splashes some of the water on his face to clean it and then shakes his head out of habit to get some of it off.]

I want to go back.

[Back to the apartment with Onni and Reynir, he means.]

[It's a surprisingly short time before Lalli is composing himself and going back to being miserable in the tub, though Onni hopes that this time the misery is coming from how sick he's feeling rather than from being hurt. Sitting in the tub like that, his knees still up, he looks small and too young and vulnerable, and that need to protect him sits in Onni's chest, glowing like an ember.

Lalli splashes his face, shakes off the water, and then says he wants to go back. The last bit of the tension and fear and grief he's been feeling all day seems to lift, and he exhales, nods.]

I think, at least, that her medicine worked better than what I was doing before. I'll look at it and get some from the medic room.

[Looking back at Lalli, he exhales, and stands up, holds his hand out.]

Do you feel steady enough to walk?

Mmmh.

[It's a noise of assent, but when he takes Onni's hand and moves to stand up, he immediately feels lightheaded--and the combination of imbalance from fever and standing to stand in a full bathtub causes him to pitch right over.

It's only because Onni is standing there, as large and solid as he ever is, that keeps Lalli from falling over entirely and possibly badly hurting himself. He lands heavily against Onni's chest with an expulsion of breath and has to stay there for several seconds while he regains his bearings.

It takes quite a bit longer than it should. Apparently he doesn't feel steady enough to walk.]

[Lalli's grip on his hand is firm, but his fingers feel hot against Onni's, and he's reminded uncomfortably of how unhealthy his cousin is, that there's a lot of work still to be done to get him back to his usual functioning state. But Onni feels up to the task, still flushed with protectiveness and concern over Lalli.

It's that protective instinct that makes him realize Lalli is going to fall over just a split second before he does, sensing the sway in his step and the slight overbalance. So when Lalli crashes into his chest, his arm is already lifting to contain him, to keep him from bouncing off Onni and onto the floor or the toilet. A moment later, and both his arms are around Lalli, at his waist and shoulders, and he's holding him in place until he seems a little more steady.]

I'm going to take that as a no.

[It's matter-of-fact, though there's the slightest hint of a tease to it, and he thinks that's a good sign, at least for himself. Once Lalli seems a little steadier, Onni keeps one arm around his shoulders and hooks the other one under Lalli's thighs, lifting him with a tiny grunt of effort and getting him settled on the closed seat of the toilet. Leaving one hand on his shoulder to keep him steady and give him something to lean on, he reaches behind himself to scoop up one of the towels and wraps it around Lalli's shoulders. Turning fully to face him, he gives him a quick drying off.]

Do you remember anything about the medicine she was giving you?

[The last thing he's going to do is ask her what to give Lalli on his way out.]

[Lalli buries his face in his hands and groans, because he just wants to sleep and thinking is hard. A lot of his time with Cho was spent dozing, and while he remembers her telling him the names of the medicines he doesn't remember what they were.

Except that he hated all of them.]

I don't know. There was one that tasted bad and one that was hard to eat and one that was kind of okay. And some herbal stuff. And I had to take them all at the same time.

[Actually, now that he's thinking about the whole medication regimen, another thought occurs to him. He doesn't smile, exactly, bu his expression does turn markedly more smug.]

Is there a box sitting out somewhere?

[Well, it seems that being sick hasn't affected Lalli's ability to describe the things he's seen, at least. He's still drying Lalli off while his cousin explains the medicines, and Onni leans over to peer at them.]

I know most of the herbal ones, at least, and there are only a couple I don't have at home.

[When Lalli asks about a box sitting out, Onni raises his brows and looks at the counter, sees what he thinks Lalli might be talking about.]

Oh, yes. A sort of pretty one.

[Leaning down, he finishes drying Lalli off and then stands up, hangs the towel back up and takes the second one, which he wraps around Lalli's shoulders. He's still feverish, but if he's going to get his cousin back to the apartment through the outdoors, it'll be best to avoid him getting chilled either.]

If you're alright with Reynir watching you for a few minutes, I'll go to the medbay and find the other medicines myself.

[He can't stop himself from letting out a little whine of displeasure, but he doesn't actually argue. He feels as though he's lost the right to disagree with Onni for the time being, all things considered.

Still, though, the idea of being watched by Reynir isn't exactly appealing.]

Take the box.

[That'll make up for it. Cho does owe him candy, after all.]

[The whine at his mention of Reynir watching him isn't surprising, and something about the normalcy of Lalli complaining about Reynir soothes some of the lingering fear.]

Mm. He was worried too. I'm pretty sure he'll do whatever you ask.

[Surely, Lalli can't be too upset about it if Reynir will be at his service. When Lalli tells him to take the box, he hums and picks it up, opens it curiously and sees that it's still got some pieces of candy inside. No wonder Lalli wants it.]

She was giving you candy?

[Don't tell him Reynir was worried, it'll just make Lalli feel guilty about finding him annoying, and that's unconscionable.

He just looks smug as Onni inspects the box, though. It's the face of a guy who knew exactly what he was doing and milked it for all it was worth.]

It was her idea.

[That wasn't the intention, but he'll take it. Anything that will make Lalli and Reynir get along better is something he won't say no to.

When he glances back at Lalli after he sees the candy, his cousin's face is painfully smug. Onni knows that face. He's seen it a thousand times when he asked Lalli to do something and Lalli found a loophole, or when he exploited Onni's emotional nature to get extra sweets. His brows raise a little.

Part of him feels almost sorry for Cho, having to deal with this. Part of him loses a little respect for her, because Lalli needs protein and vitamins and vegetables right now, not pure sugar. But all of him feels incredibly relieved that Lalli is feeling well enough to be smug over weaseling as much candy out of that woman as he could.]

Only because I told her before that you like sweets. I suppose it did what it needed to, but don't expect me to stuff you full of sugar. You need more than that, and I made that rabbit stew you like.

Edited 2019-12-06 08:48 (UTC)

[Frankly, the thought of something as rich as rabbit stew turns his stomach right now, as much as he likes it typically. But this whole ordeal has made him feel like he's lost any grounds to disagree with Onni on any point, so he only makes a small, token noise of discomfort before falling back into silence.

If Onni thinks he needs to eat stew, then he'll at least try to choke it down.]

She could tell you what the medication is. [If she and Onni were on pleasant speaking terms, before. Lalli didn't know that. Is that another thing he's messed up because of all this?]

Don't be mad at her.

[Onni doesn't miss the noise Lalli makes when he talks about rabbit stew, so he adjusts his expectations of what he might get into Lalli right now. All he knows is that having nothing but sugar won't be good for him right now.]

Mm. Maybe some bone broth?

[When Lalli says that Cho could tell him what the medication is, he visibly tenses, and glances away from Lalli. He's still angry at her, he's not sure when he'll stop being angry at her or if he ever will.

But Lalli asks him to not be mad at her, and his mouth tightens a little.]

I don't know if I can.

[The memory of how he'd felt when he'd been talking to Lalli just for a moment, one sentence, and she took the phone away floods back. His eyes sting even though he feels like he's cried all the tears he has, and that's a thing that he knows is going to linger in him for a long time. Onni is generally a forgiving person, but that is something he doesn't know if he can forget.]

Maybe later.

Edited 2019-12-09 05:26 (UTC)

[Lalli can't help but curl in on himself a little, because the idea that Onni would blame Cho for something that is Lalli's doing is just the capstone on this awful day.]

She was just trying to help. She didn't know. I'm the one who started everything.

I know.

[It comes out a little tense, and Onni doesn't look at his cousin, just slips off his fur robe and replaces the towel around Lalli's shoulders with it, tugging the hood up over Lalli's wet hair. It's still cold outside.]

But I can't...

[It's hard to know how to explain what he's thinking and feeling. It's never been easy, and in this case he's not completely sure himself, not enough to vocalize it.]

I can't be scared for you and relieved to see you and angry at you all at the same time. It's too much.

[Lalli's head is bowed after Onni gives him his coat; his hands curl into fists on the rim of the toilet seat, trembling with tension and exhaustion and simple cold, and he can't look Onni in the eye.

It's Onni's own confirmation that he should be mad at Lalli, maybe, but suddenly the guilt in his chest caves into an awful, gaping hole.]

Just be angry at me, then.

[It's familiar territory, after all.]

[semi-open] never betray the way you've always known it is

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