[ During that stretch of silence, Reynir's mind had wandered far far away, and he is not expecting it at all, when Onni brings up Tuuri out of the blue. Not just Tuuri, but how Reynir had lied about her being possibly infected. It feels like some ice has slipped into his stomach. Reynir goes very still, looking down at the little mound of soil held between his hands.
Some distant part of his mind is glad that Lalli and Onni had been speaking about Tuuri. That the both of them are at least attempting to process her loss.
He is so startled by the change in topic that it takes him a moment to answer. For some reason, the guilt and grief have a particularly sharp edge, today. Reynir swallows a couple times, staring down at the damp dirt in front of him. It's not particularly enjoyable, trying to recall what had been in his mind back then.
Reynir can't remember anymore whether he'd planned on telling Onni that Tuuri didn't want him to know. Maybe? He had gone looking for Onni thinking he was going to break the news of her death. That was the terrible discussion he'd planned for. Not making justifications for his own lie. And then Onni had been so towering in his fury, and moments later, so vacant and broken by his grief. Reynit can't remember anything other than being heartbroken for him, and that awful, paralyzing guilt, tingling through his limbs. Guilt for not telling Onni, guilt for not saving Tuuri, guilt for being alive at all. ]
I... don't know. She was gone either way, and I had to tell you Lalli had gone missing, and I wasn't going to - whine and say she told me to do it, like you ought to be blaming her, instead. She asked, but I still chose to lie. I deserved that anger.
[ Reynir looks up at Onni, then, green eyes round and full of hurt. For some reason, it's harder today, than most days, to believe that it wasn't his fault. That he couldn't have thrown himself in front of Tuuri and saved her, and she could be here with Onni instead. ]
I was so worried about you. I didn't care if you blamed me, if it made you feel better. It wasn't like you could - kill the troll that did it, or do anything to the Illness itself. So if it helped for you to hate me for a while or hit me or shout, I didn't mind, because - at least it might be something...
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Some distant part of his mind is glad that Lalli and Onni had been speaking about Tuuri. That the both of them are at least attempting to process her loss.
He is so startled by the change in topic that it takes him a moment to answer. For some reason, the guilt and grief have a particularly sharp edge, today. Reynir swallows a couple times, staring down at the damp dirt in front of him. It's not particularly enjoyable, trying to recall what had been in his mind back then.
Reynir can't remember anymore whether he'd planned on telling Onni that Tuuri didn't want him to know. Maybe? He had gone looking for Onni thinking he was going to break the news of her death. That was the terrible discussion he'd planned for. Not making justifications for his own lie. And then Onni had been so towering in his fury, and moments later, so vacant and broken by his grief. Reynit can't remember anything other than being heartbroken for him, and that awful, paralyzing guilt, tingling through his limbs. Guilt for not telling Onni, guilt for not saving Tuuri, guilt for being alive at all. ]
I... don't know. She was gone either way, and I had to tell you Lalli had gone missing, and I wasn't going to - whine and say she told me to do it, like you ought to be blaming her, instead. She asked, but I still chose to lie. I deserved that anger.
[ Reynir looks up at Onni, then, green eyes round and full of hurt. For some reason, it's harder today, than most days, to believe that it wasn't his fault. That he couldn't have thrown himself in front of Tuuri and saved her, and she could be here with Onni instead. ]
I was so worried about you. I didn't care if you blamed me, if it made you feel better. It wasn't like you could - kill the troll that did it, or do anything to the Illness itself. So if it helped for you to hate me for a while or hit me or shout, I didn't mind, because - at least it might be something...
[ He shrugs, trailing off. ]