When you wake you shall have cake. [CLOSED]

[circumitus]

WHO: Rey and Elleru.
WHAT: Shortly after promising to return to bed at the behest of her roommate, Rey might have gotten distracted.
WHERE: Room Double 014.
WHEN: A couple days after this conversation.

---

Shit, was there something she was supposed to do?

It's not normally like Rey to forget things so easily. Between the lack of sleep and only the brief few minutes of reprieve via power naps in between, she's running on fumes. Not much different from how she had survived in the sky prison, always having to look behind her back... The synthetics here might not pose a similar thread as the ones Rey has consistently faced over her myriad lifetimes, but it doesn't mean they're let entirely off the hook yet.

After so much time pouring over data and studying the wires of a door panel she had opened, hoping to try and bypass the security protocol... She's worn herself ragged once again. A small break isn't going to cut it.

Not that she can tell the passing of time the natural way from where she is, with no windows and a long corridor behind her offering no natural light. From a bag consisting of a datapad she had scanned from the library among other 'survival' items, she pulls out a protein bar, heaving a sigh and turning to press her back up against the wall. Her legs slide from under her until she's sitting on the ground. Now, there was something she was supposed to be doing, right?

"Did I leave the oven on?" Rey absentmindedly huffs between bites of her snack, before stopping mid-chew. "Ah, fuck."

Snatching the bag and its contents as she swings back onto her feet, the ground pounds under the soles of her boots as Rey hurries up to the housing level of Anchor.

The automatic door swings open in a hiss as she all but barrels back into her bedroom, breath harried and appearance reflecting that of anyone who's had grooming low on their priorities...

She opens her mouth to call out, but then snaps her jaw back shut to listen in. If she wakes up her roommate so callously, that probably won't help much, either.

Comments

[circumitus]

Why was she not expecting that? What Elleru said should have been the most obvious thing in the world after all of their previous interactions, yet the sincerity in her words and the kindness of her gestures feel like the truest thing anyone has ever shared with Rey, devoid of resentment. There's no bad blood between them, no ill history to reconcile or dread. It's a clean slate, something Rey isn't sure she knows what to do with.

"Most people remember me for having done only horrible things, in my world," Rey admits, her throat dry as her fingers twitch under Elleru's. She can't tell if she meant to really say that, but now they beg context. "Not something small, either. Many of these things would be what they would call 'crimes against humanity', shit like that. An innumerable amount have died because of me. Naturally that creates waves. People only see you and are reminded of the ones you'd taken away, regardless of fault."

The color drains from her face as the words come pouring out; her stare avoiding Elleru's, her head bows. Sometimes the truth can be the most sour medicine, but it's just as acrid for her as it is to anyone expressing an interest in getting close to her. Even if they are ignorant to her past.

And then there's Faye's face, flashing in Rey's mind's eye. Her fury, her grief, her loneliness. That was one thing they both shared, even if it was so bittersweet. No one is perfect, in the end. She sure as hell isn't.

"Guess it'd be easier to pretend it didn't happen, that none of it matters here, or that you don't need to know. But it does matter." It matters to her. To the ones who have died while Rey remained, being brought back and given yet another chance at life she doesn't deserve. "Spent a lot of time alone. Inside my own head a lot in the last few years. Sometimes things don't feel stable, or present. Had to detach from everything some days just to stay sane."

It hasn't been an issue in a while; though her recent times spent in solitude between the sky prison and here, she feels that same threatening darkness creeping in the back of her mind. Black hands gripping her sanity, all too eager to pull her under.

[birdical]

Elleru is shocked by the revelation Rey lays upon her, her eyes widening, ears rising in obvious alarm. She could tell from one look that Rey was a fighter, but making that assumption on her own is vastly different than hearing from Rey's own lips that innumerable people have died because of her. Was it truly Rey's fault? Did she kill on purpose, or was it self-defense? Calling it a 'crime against humanity' implies the worst, but Elleru can't imagine Rey having done something so horrible. Yet, based on Rey's physical tells -- the color draining from her face, the avoidant look, her head bowing in shame -- Elleru decides she must have.

Her initial reaction is to judge: knowing how destructive uprights can be, perhaps she was naive to seek the best in Rey. However, she fights that impulse, leaning toward her natural inclination to help. She wants to see the best in people, Rey included. She's not just any upright, but a friend. Most importantly, she's someone who needs help -- someone who is clearly remorseful for what has happened. She's not like the uprights of Elleru's world, happy to hunt her kind, eager to sate their bloodlust by means of what they've deemed as a sport. It's not the same thing.

Stifling her discomfort, she refocuses on what's important. Putting her other hand with the first, she clasps Rey's between them.

"You are not alone anymore," she insists, her gaze affixing on Rey's face, searching for her eyes. "You cannot change what you have done, but you can choose who you are now. As you said, it does matter, what has happened. It is a part of who you are. Sometimes, all that we are is not all we wish to be."

[circumitus]

After everything she had said, the last thing Rey anticipates in return is a kind gesture. She can't help but flinch in her shoulders when Elleru lays her other hand flat over her own unexpectedly, but maintains some level of composure -- if you could call it that. It's more like she's been rotted from the inside out, and all she can do to cure that rot is to hollow herself until there's nothing left to feel by the most base instinct that remains -- shame, regret. Not the most pleasant mental image, but it's not a particularly pleasant subject matter.

Jaw set tight, the rest of Rey doesn't move. Her eyes just set on Elleru's knuckles. Her soft skin over her own calloused surface. All she can see is something pure over skin blemished by invisible and incurable stains, and her stomach turns. It's a reminder that she hasn't eaten in a while... has she?

"Never asked to me this," Rey affirms, feeling all too suddenly distant and cold in her blood. Like she's out of her own flesh. "Was just... born for it. Not sure how living any different is supposed to be. Had no freedom to be anything else."

Nothing but to play to her own strengths -- leaving a trail of killing, destruction, and heartbreak in her wake.

Numbed, she shrugs a shoulder. "Never planned to live long like this enough to use that freedom, either."

[birdical]

"You are living now, and so you should use your freedom."

Elleru runs her thumb on Rey's hand in circles, trying to comfort her. She can still sense the tension in her roommate's shoulders, see how bothered she is by all this. It's an unusual look for her, and one Elleru isn't sure she likes. Still, she finds herself undeniably pleased that Rey is allowing this vulnerable side of herself to show, no matter how difficult it may be.

"Freedom... is something not everyone is born with. Freedom to live how they want, to make choices their own. To be anything other than what our birth determined. For those like us, having this freedom now means we can be anyone we want to be while we are here."

And when she says us, she means it -- from her birth, her role in the colony was laid before her. She didn't question it for the longest time: she was a shifter, and with her gifts, she would help protect the colony. She ultimately is still trying to do that, but on her terms rather than those determined her by the elders. Their ways weren't working, and someone had to make a change. Why not her?

She gives Rey's hand a reassuring squeeze, bringing her face just a little closer. "And if you do not know how to live any differently, then let me show you."

[circumitus]

Rey isn't so deluded to believe that she does not truly share a similar lack of freedom with others. Even those she has known in the past were bound in some ways, whether it be by expectations from society or family, or themselves. In a way, it's torture in its own right.

Her gaze falls to their hands, joined as Elleru's touch attempts a soothing gesture of her own over Rey's, and she knows well enough as to why she's being comforted. She may not think she deserves it, but for some reason this woman seems to have differring opinions on the matter.

Much like Faye did, even when she had every reason to hate Rey for what she did.

A stabbing pain stings her heart as the last thing she remembers of the redhead is a look of panic and mania. Rey's throat hitches, caught between then and now, as she forces herself to finally meet Elleru's gaze.

"How?" is all she can inquire.

How does anyone live differently?

[birdical]

"First, you must decide what you want," she explains softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "It does not have to be big. It can be as simple as to see the morning each day, or as complicated as changing the minds of those around you. You do not have to tell anyone, or you may share it with as many people as you like. You may know right now what it is, or it may take you years to discover, but there must be something you wish for, deep down."

Elleru leans just a little closer, waiting to see if Rey moves away. Tilting her face forward, she aims to press her forehead to Rey's, a common sign of comfort among her kind.

"But until you know what it is, your friends may help you. They allow you to see sides of yourself you never knew were there. They make you question what you thought you knew. They can push you beyond your normal boundaries, help you be unafraid to take risks."

[circumitus]

While Rey doesn't move away, she isn't sure what to do, either. She listens, and even understands it to an extent. The feeling of Elleru's forehead pressed to her own offers a bit of comfort in the fog of confusion that plagues her.

"In case you haven't realized, don't really have much in the way of friends," Rey says with a mixture of levity and melancholy, as if she's humoring the situation at least a little bit. She isn't trying to invalidate Elleru's words, simply point out the obvious -- she really doesn't have that many she keeps close to her that she could consider a friend. Hell, even back home those are rare, and might not be what one would consider a normal friendship.

She doesn't turn away, though. Just tilts her head to give Elleru a look, a distant and lost hint in her eyes of someone who has no direction here.