[open] nobody knows it but me when i slip

[scowlish]

Who: Onni Hotakainen; Ben Hargreeves, open to anyone else who might be in the Library
What: Onni has a bit of a personal problem and turns to the Library for help.
When: mid-September
Where: Library
Format: Whatever you like. I started in brackets, but I do love prose.
Notes: He'll be running into Ben on the first day but the research will take longer than that and I'd love some additional threads. For the non-canon-familiar: 'luonto' is a word for the spirit/life force of a Finnish person, 'runo' is a Finnish magic spell.



[Probably, he should have told Reynir by now, but Onni isn't exactly the type of person to share his vulnerabilities, even with people he likes. So when he'd discovered that he can still see and hear spirits, that he's still aware of and capable of using the power of his luonto and still goes to his haven in the dream space, but isn't capable of using runo anymore, he hadn't mentioned it. Gone on as if things were normal, even though he feels almost completely vulnerable and exposed in this strange place without any familiar method of self-protection.

It takes quite some time to talk himself into trying things another way - the Finnish gods aren't within his reach, he is too far from home, but if there are spirits here, there must be something else here he can call upon. It galls him, enough that he's felt prickly for a week straight, the thought of reaching out to foreign gods for protection, the thought of what that might do to his relationship with his own when he goes home. But the truth is, he can't be without his mage powers, for his own safety, for Reynir's, or for any of the other people here.

So it's just a matter of finding out what there might be here to call upon. Starting from scratch on his training. A huge pain, but not impossible.]

❄ For Ben

[Eventually, he settles on the Library as the best place to look for that kind of information, if such information exists. He feels on edge as he walks inside - it's not much bigger than most libraries he's attended, besides the big one in Mora, which is a little disappointing. Of course, he doesn't register that the computer banks are part of the library or really what they are at all. Computers are something he knows about in a passing sort of way, but he doesn't recognize them in this form. What he sees are books, lined up on shelves, some in his own language, others in languages he doesn't know or recognize.

Running his fingers over the spines, he tilts his head, glances up as a man comes out from behind the other end of the shelf - his dark hair is cropped short, and his dark eyes look calm enough, even if there's a strange aura about him, as if his spirit is far too big for the size of his body. Onni tilts his head, looking at him from under his fur hood, mouth set in a straight line.]

Do you know much about the books here?

❄ Open

[Of course, it takes much more than one day to do the type of research he needs to do in a place like this, so he comes back for a while every day, in the afternoon while Reynir is working on the garden in the upper levels and doesn't need his help. Cross-legged on the floor of the Library, still wearing his fur hooded cloak, he leans over to peer at the papers and books on the floor in front of him.

When people enter, he generally doesn't pay them much mind, at least until they get close enough that Onni can ask for help with his research. Whether it's a blunt 'can you read this?' or asking if they'll hand him a text, he isn't above requesting someone's input.]

❄

OOC Note: If your character wouldn't approach him directly, feel free to just put them nearby and I'll have him ask them something. If you want to wildcard, go for it! If you want to plot first, hit me up on discord at coffee #6251, in game chat, on plurk at caffemisto, or by PM to this journal.

Comments

[benhargreeves]

[ Onni has no idea, most likely, of what a fraught situation this is for Ben. What a delicate stage he is at, right now, in how he views himself and his powers. The wrong phrase, the wrong reaction, could set him back months in the incredibly tentative and small progress he has made in not automatically counting himself a monster.

But Onni doesn't say anything about evil or malevolence or horrors. He just says his spirit is too big and linked with others. Tied, but not one. Ben just stares, jaw clenched and shoulders tight. Answering Onni is hard, and it takes him several moments to remember how to speak again, to wrap his brain around sentences and sense. ]

I know. I've known all my life.

[ He briefly thinks about explaining his siblings, the circumstances of their birth. If anyone is likely to have a unique reaction to that or interpretation of it, Ben thinks it would be this guy. But that would just confuse matters, so for now he merely says: ]

It's like you said. I have powers. There are these... creatures and I'm linked with them. I can open a doorway for them to reach into our world, through me.

[ And he touches a hand to his stomach, making it clear he's not speaking metaphorically, but physically. What Onni had seen as a concentration of energy or whatever is, in fact, a doorway. One that is, for the time being, tightly shut. ]

But before you ask, no, I'm not going to show you. It's really, really painful, and I only use it for life and death stuff. Because when they come through... it's to rip stuff apart. So. I would rather not get any blood on my books and I'm sure you can agree with that.

[scowlish]

[It isn't obvious why the situation is upsetting for Ben, or even the full extent of how upsetting it is, but Onni can tell that it is. There's a certain vulnerability that not even Ben's calm face can quite hide, when Onni looks at him, in his eyes and the way he holds his jaw and shoulders. But Ben answers, tells him he's known about this strange energy inside himself for his whole life, that he has powers, creatures inside him that are linked to him through a doorway into this world.

Through him. And the way Ben gestures to his stomach, the center of that strange too-large spirit presence in him, makes it obvious that he means literally rather than any other way. Onni is about to reply when Ben continues, tells him that he's not going to show him and that they only come through to rip things apart, that he'd rather not get blood on the books. At that, Onni's brows furrow a little and he makes a soft hum in his throat.]

I wasn't going to ask to see them.

[It's simple, and best to get that out of the way right away. Lifting his eyes, he meets Ben's gaze, his own pale and intense.]

That would make sense, though, with what I can see. That there are many of them and that they're powerful.

[Squinting slightly, he tilts his head and his eyes flick up and down the length of Ben's body, observing the pale blue shape of his visible spirit.]

Do you have any other questions about what I can see?

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben isn't really sure why, but he believes Onni, when he says he was never going to ask for a demonstration. There's a gravity to him that makes Ben think he is telling the truth. It's... nice. To meet someone who seems totally unafraid of whatever he sees in Ben's aura or spirit, but who takes it seriously.

He is at a loss for words for a few long moments, mulling over what Onni had said. The terms are so neutral: Ben knows there are many of the creatures, he knows just how powerful they can be. Is there more he wants to know?

His gut reaction is to say no. He doesn't want to know, doesn't want them there, doesn't want anything more of them in his life than there already is. For just one second, he wonders if he could ask Onni whether, with his powers back, he would be able to sever the connection.

But who knows what that would do. It might kill him. It might unleash them into the world. Or it might leave him powerless, when some new danger emerges, and Klaus or Cole or Peter or Kieran or Pratt or whoever might get hurt and he wouldn't be able to stop it. ]

Do they - do I seem...

[ Ben crosses his arms tight over his chest, meeting Onni's gaze, expression dire and hopeful at the same time. He finishes, quietly: ]

...evil?

[scowlish]

[When Onni explains a bit more about what he sees, he can watch Ben's body language closing up, can see him shutting himself down, his expression sombre and pensive. Onni gives him space to think, knows that he isn't the only one who needs time with difficult conversations and questions.

But despite that, Onni watches Ben, studying his face, trying to read whatever he can as Ben thinks it over, tries to get his thoughts in order. And then he asks if the things Onni had sensed seemed evil, if he himself seemed evil. Onni's brows raise, and he shakes his head.]

No. I don't sense evil in you, or them.

[For a moment, he's quiet, rearranges some of his papers thoughtfully, trying to work out how to explain.]

At home, there were spirits who were corrupted by the Rash. It's a disease that obliterated most of the Old World, that twists the minds and bodies and souls of people and animals infected. That makes their spirits hungry and desperate, turns them into predators. It's a corruption because it isn't how they're meant to be. But even those souls aren't evil. They're tormented, tortured from living with their pain and grief.

[For a moment, Onni keeps looking at him, squinting slightly as if he could get a better view of his spirit and the spirits of the creatures connected to him that way.]

Your spirit is the same as anyone else's. And their spirits are more like those of animals. I don't sense any corruption, let alone evil.

[If he can, he meets Ben's gaze, his expression intense.]

Why would you think that they're evil?

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben doesn't immediately relax, when Onni tells him he doesn't sense evil from him. It doesn't really work like that. But he at least does not get any more tense or withdrawn. He listens in attentive silence as Onni starts talking about his own world. Ben has heard about a lot of other realities since coming here, and this one? Sounds like a raw deal. A little like Julie's world, though Ben's pretty sure their zombie situation didn't impact animals, and Onni said this is a disease, not an undead thing.

Even so... it sounds pretty awful. For someone who can see spirits the way Onni said he can, seeing ones that have been all fucked up by this world-ending disease that makes them, in his own words, tormented? Sounds bad. Sounds a little like Klaus, hounded by the ghosts of people who died in such miserable ways, full of pain and grief and anger. ]

Oh.

[ It's more or less what Cole had told him as well - that 'they' weren't malicious, weren't cunning and human-like and wicked. He said that their consciousness was alien, but like an animal. That their violence was the violence of a wounded and confused and overwhelmed animal lashing out at a reality that was nothing but pain to it.

To hear that confirmed from Onni, a stranger who would have no reason to soften things to make him feel better, means a lot. Ben hangs his head in relief, exhaling and doing his best to pull together his fraying composure.

He looks up, meets Onni's pale eyes, only for him to ask that. It's a perfectly reasonable question, but that doesn't make it easy to answer. Ben is silent for several long moments, wondering what to say, how honest to be. It's a complex topic and an extremely vulnerable one and he doesn't know this man at all.

But how is he going to get better at talking about any of this if he doesn't practice? Klaus would've answered already - offered up the truth (wrapped up in a joke) without even being asked. He'd always been so much less of a coward than Ben, when it came to admitting in plain words that their home life was fucked up. ]

...My dad taught me they were. And nobody ever questioned it. So- I always assumed it was true.

[ So... there's that. ]

[scowlish]

[The truth is that his world is awful, there's a reason he's called it a terrible place. Grateful as he is to be alive and to have people he cares for that still survive along with him, it's not a good world to be from. The spirits he sees are twisted and tormented, for the most part, and he does what he can to console them, to help them move along, but there isn't much to be done sometimes.

When Ben doesn't tense further, just says 'oh' in that quiet voice, Onni breathes a sigh of relief. For all that he's not the most sensitive person, and tends to be tactlessly blunt, Onni is observant, and it hadn't escaped him that his answer held some importance for Ben. When the other man lifts his gaze and looks at him, hesitates for a few moments, and then explains what his father had said and how others had simply gone along with it, Onni understands.

This is a person who's grown up being told he harbours evil inside him. Someone who was taught that he was a vessel for evil. It's no wonder the questions were so hesitant, so loaded with implication.]

Mm.

[A pause, while Onni gathers his thoughts and then speaks, his expression softening and his voice both earnest and sincere.]

I can see why you might think that. It's like the beasts at home. It would be easy to think of them as evil monsters because of their corruption, because they attack, because they kill and spread disease. But they're simply sick, corrupted against their will, and hungry. They can be saved in death, to return to the skies.

[After a moment, he continues, his voice careful and gentle.]

These creatures you're connected to...they aren't even corrupt. They're simply hungry animals, maybe confused or injured, lashing out as animals do. If they're not even corrupted, how could they be evil? And if they were, why would that say anything about you?

[benhargreeves]

[ As Ben listens to Onni, he keeps still, keeps his face as calm as he can. The only change is a slight twist to his eyebrows, as Onni is comparing him to the beasts of his own world, the ones that are corrupted and kill and spread disease, but that aren't evil. But Onni's tone is reassuring and he's clearly building up to something, so Ben swallows and keeps looking at him and staying still - apart from his hands. He his half-rubbing half-scratching at the base of one thumb, an unconscious gesture of nervousness and discomfort.

He isn't sure if Onni's questions are rhetorical or not until the mage pauses, leaving Ben a space to speak. But he can't. His throat is all closed up, the words tangled and out of reach. He bows his head and manages a bare little shrug. It's all so new to him, taking apart these beliefs. It's a shocking thing, to hear them questioned at such a fundamental level. He'd never really considered that even if those creatures were evil, that wouldn't implicate him, the same way he'd never considered that they might not be all the things Reginald said they were.

Ben's sure that any good impression he might have initially made by being helpful about the library and recommending a chat with Cole has been erased now. Onni must think he's this sad, overemotional, messed-up weirdo. Which is not inaccurate, but even so. Ben would like to think he's usually better at hiding it, than this. With effort, he manages to get out: ]

I - don't know.

[ He reaches for the book he'd been scanning and pulls it over, lifting it and all but burying his face in it, shutting out any view of Onni, cutting the conversation short. It takes a few minutes for him to be able to focus enough to get through the page and flip to the next. ]