[open] nobody knows it but me when i slip

[scowlish]

Who: Onni Hotakainen; Ben Hargreeves, open to anyone else who might be in the Library
What: Onni has a bit of a personal problem and turns to the Library for help.
When: mid-September
Where: Library
Format: Whatever you like. I started in brackets, but I do love prose.
Notes: He'll be running into Ben on the first day but the research will take longer than that and I'd love some additional threads. For the non-canon-familiar: 'luonto' is a word for the spirit/life force of a Finnish person, 'runo' is a Finnish magic spell.



[Probably, he should have told Reynir by now, but Onni isn't exactly the type of person to share his vulnerabilities, even with people he likes. So when he'd discovered that he can still see and hear spirits, that he's still aware of and capable of using the power of his luonto and still goes to his haven in the dream space, but isn't capable of using runo anymore, he hadn't mentioned it. Gone on as if things were normal, even though he feels almost completely vulnerable and exposed in this strange place without any familiar method of self-protection.

It takes quite some time to talk himself into trying things another way - the Finnish gods aren't within his reach, he is too far from home, but if there are spirits here, there must be something else here he can call upon. It galls him, enough that he's felt prickly for a week straight, the thought of reaching out to foreign gods for protection, the thought of what that might do to his relationship with his own when he goes home. But the truth is, he can't be without his mage powers, for his own safety, for Reynir's, or for any of the other people here.

So it's just a matter of finding out what there might be here to call upon. Starting from scratch on his training. A huge pain, but not impossible.]

❄ For Ben

[Eventually, he settles on the Library as the best place to look for that kind of information, if such information exists. He feels on edge as he walks inside - it's not much bigger than most libraries he's attended, besides the big one in Mora, which is a little disappointing. Of course, he doesn't register that the computer banks are part of the library or really what they are at all. Computers are something he knows about in a passing sort of way, but he doesn't recognize them in this form. What he sees are books, lined up on shelves, some in his own language, others in languages he doesn't know or recognize.

Running his fingers over the spines, he tilts his head, glances up as a man comes out from behind the other end of the shelf - his dark hair is cropped short, and his dark eyes look calm enough, even if there's a strange aura about him, as if his spirit is far too big for the size of his body. Onni tilts his head, looking at him from under his fur hood, mouth set in a straight line.]

Do you know much about the books here?

❄ Open

[Of course, it takes much more than one day to do the type of research he needs to do in a place like this, so he comes back for a while every day, in the afternoon while Reynir is working on the garden in the upper levels and doesn't need his help. Cross-legged on the floor of the Library, still wearing his fur hooded cloak, he leans over to peer at the papers and books on the floor in front of him.

When people enter, he generally doesn't pay them much mind, at least until they get close enough that Onni can ask for help with his research. Whether it's a blunt 'can you read this?' or asking if they'll hand him a text, he isn't above requesting someone's input.]

❄

OOC Note: If your character wouldn't approach him directly, feel free to just put them nearby and I'll have him ask them something. If you want to wildcard, go for it! If you want to plot first, hit me up on discord at coffee #6251, in game chat, on plurk at caffemisto, or by PM to this journal.

Comments

[lallipop]

[It's a good thing Onni isn't looking at him, because Lalli's face immediately snaps up with an expression of horror.

He'd gone over Onni's potential reasons so many times, but somehow it had never occurred to him that--]

You can't die!

[It takes him a moment to realize he's the one shouting, and in the next he's fisting his hands into his hair and pulling, desperate for any sensation that will distract him, anchor him, keep him from feeling this horrible drowning feeling.]

You can't--you--

[Is he speaking or hyperventilating? He doesn't know anymore. His throat doesn't work.]

What am I supposed to do if--if you--I'll be--

[He'd be all alone. How could Onni do this to him? How could he think this was better for Lalli?]

[scowlish]

[When Lalli shouts at him, he flinches again, his brows furrowing and his nose wrinkling at the bridge in an expression of pain, and his hands start squeezing where they rest on his knees. His body is held tense with anxiety, enough tension that he's trembling slightly.]

I don't want to. I'm not trying to. But it's a strong possibility.

[His voice is monotonous, mechanical with his tension, and he keeps his gaze down, his shoulders hunching a little with what...shame? Guilt? Fear? He doesn't even know, can't identify the feeling that twists up in him as Lalli shouts and pulls his hair and hyperventilates and stutters over his words. His ears are ringing, and he lifts his head to look over at his cousin.

He doesn't make any move to offer any comfort, because in this situation he has no right to.]

I thought...I know you can take care of yourself. You had a friend who would look out for you.

[A friend who could probably understand Lalli better than Onni himself can. He'd never seen Lalli follow after someone the way he'd chased after Emil. Lalli had been out in the Silent World for so long without him, he'd seemed to do so well, and Onni hadn't realized...]

I didn't think you needed me.

[It's painful to say it, to put it into words. No one really wants to not be needed, he thinks, but it had felt so true.]

And if I can take it out, it won't be chasing you anymore.

[lallipop]

[He's crying again, and he hates it.]

Emil--he's--he isn't family.

[He doesn't know how to make it more clear. The difference is so obvious he doesn't even know how to articulate it.]

None of that matters. If you died I would be the only one left.

[And that really is the crux of it. Lalli may be antisocial, but he's never truly been alone, without guidance, in his entire life. And Emil, ultimately, is someone he's only known for a few months.

He doesn't say anything more. If the problem with that isn't obvious, then maybe Onni cares about him even less than he thought.]

[scowlish]

[It's becoming more and more clear that he's misunderstood something about his relationship with Lalli, misunderstood something about how Lalli sees him. The truth is, Lalli had always been so independent, had stood apart so much.]

I'm sorry.

[It's soft, breathed out, but he keeps looking over at Lalli, at the shape of his body and the way there are tears rolling down his face again. He avoids any chance of eye contact, though, or he's going to be crying again himself. He doesn't deserve to cry right now, this isn't about him.]

I didn't want to leave you. I just can't lose you too, Lalli.

[lallipop]

[Anger flares.

Lalli thinks he might hate Onni right now, as much as anyone can hate someone they love. He knew Onni could be dumb, but he never imagined he could be this stupid.

He steps backward until he back is at the door. He can't--he can't be here anymore, in this room. Not right now.]

Then you shouldn't have lied.

[scowlish]

[Onni's head jerks as he pulls his eyes away from Lalli, stares forward, grits his teeth and clenches his jaw, his nose wrinkling as he struggles not to cry again, eyes burning and vision swimming with tears.

'I would rather he hated me than died. I would rather he hated me than died. I would rather he hated me than died...'

He has to keep repeating it in his head like a mantra to fight against the overwhelming emotion that feels like it's going to wash him away. His fingers are squeezed so tightly into his knees that he knows he's going to have bruises later.]

I won't do it again.

[It's tense, his voice is tight and shaky, but he means it. Lifting his head, he looks back up at Lalli, watching him edge back toward the door, knowing he's planning to bolt again. It's even worse now than it had been earlier. He feels completely empty inside.]

Please give me a chance to prove it.

[lallipop]

[He doesn't actually leave. He doesn't want to, now that his back is against the door. Outside isn't where he wants to go. He wants to go home, but he can't. He's... tired. He wants to curl up into a hole and never come out.]

Which one?

[The lying, or the leaving Lalli alone, without a thought to what that would do to him?

Honestly, he's not sure he wants to know the answer, so he doesn't give Onni a chance.]

I'm going to bed.

[scowlish]

[Lalli asks him a question, but before he even gets his mouth open to answer, his cousin is continuing on, saying he's going to bed. Onni lifts a hand and rubs it over his face - he's barely keeping it together at this point, his throat is tight, his gut is like a ball of ice. But Lalli hasn't left, not quite yet, so he speaks with his voice hoarse with emotion.]

I won't lie and I won't leave you.

[Right now, he feels hollowed out and empty in a way he hasn't in a long time. Lalli is all he has left, and he doesn't know, right now, how badly he's damaged it and whether he's lost Lalli now just by being stupid and in his own head.]

[lallipop]

[For a moment, he just stands there in silence, still resolutely staring at the ground. Maybe he's considering whether or not to respond, or how. Even he doesn't know.

All he knows is that Onni's words are just that--a promise that he can't trust anymore, now that he knows Onni is capable of lying.

Onni has said he won't do it again, and that he's willing to prove it. Lalli, then, will believe it once he has, and no sooner.

So all he does is response is stalk past Onni without a word. If he's needed, he'll be hunkering under his bed for, like, three straight days.]