[semi-open] never betray the way you've always known it is

[scowlish]

Who: Onni, Lalli, Reynir, Genji, anyone else involved with Lalli's Great Escape
What: catch-all for threads related to the fallout of Hotakainens failing at feelings during the epidemic
When: November
Where: around Anchor
Warnings: emotional constipation?



❄ Lalli's Great Escape

Comments

[braidmage]

[ When Onni cries harder, Reynir feels that change, and he worries that he's said something wrong, set his foot on a sore place without even knowing it. This is a new kind of helplessness, for Reynir. Back in his village, he'd had a reputation as someone who could cheer just about anybody up. The grouchiest elders, the most sulky preteens - Reynir could usually coax a smile from them no matter how dire the circumstance.

But it isn't that easy, with Onni. Partly because Reynir's too invested, cares about him too much. And partly because Onni's hurt runs so deep and has gone unaddressed for so long... ]

No. [ He says it simply, quietly, with conviction. ] I'm not. You've just been so starved for kindness, a little feels like a lot.

[ Reynir rubs a hand up and down Onni's back, rocking them both slightly. At another time he might feel self-conscious or silly about it, but his gut is telling him it'll help, that it's the right thing to do.

Quietly, he goes on: ]

I'm not just saying that stuff in the abstract, you know? I mean it, for me. You're easy for me to care about. I like being around you.

[ Onni is still tense and miserable and Reynir can just feel it. He knows that his words haven't sunk all the way in, that Onni's mind is doubtless coming up with a thousand contradictions and excuses and reasons not to hear them. Because that self-hatred is there, blinding him, covering his eyes and ears, shutting out anything that might convince Onni of his own worth. ]

I really wish... there were something I could do to help you try to forgive yourself.

[scowlish]

[Onni is exhausted, his head is aching, he's barely slept in days, he doesn't feel capable of this. Of withstanding the onslaught of emotion, of being alone again, losing the last member of his family. He'd tried so hard to keep things together after they'd all come here, he'd tried to keep Lalli safe, tried to make him understand how much Onni loves him, tried to take care of him while the fever ate him alive, had fought to keep him safe.

None of it matters.

For a moment, he just feels like giving up. There doesn't seem to be any reason to go on, not like this. He can't stand to lose the one person left who remembers Saimaa and Harvest Festivals and Tuuri's braids and how his mother's bread tasted when it was freshly baked and where the best blueberry patches were and how grandma's sauna smelled in the springtime and a million other things that tie Onni to the only place he was ever happy.

Reynir is talking still, saying that Onni has been starved for kindness so that a little of it feels like a lot, is insisting that it's easy for Reynir to care about him, to like being around him. Wishing that he could help Onni try to forgive himself. He can't. Onni can't forgive himself, and there's nothing Reynir can do to help with that. So Onni cries, in big shuddering sobs that he doesn't have the energy to hold back. He cries for what feels like forever, his face still pressed against Reynir's shoulder, and he's felt weaker but he's never felt more alone.

Onni has always been able to push through his grief and pain and fear because he had Tuuri and Lalli to take care of, because he needed to be strong for them, to be a safe place they could retreat to when they were afraid and sad and hurting. Now that he doesn't have either of them, he feels completely unmoored, and what does he have to fight for now? All he has is his exhaustion and his grief and his acutely, intensely painful aloneness. So he cries for a while, at the enormity of everything awful in his life and his complete helplessness to fix it and his culpability in chasing away every person he'd loved.

When he doesn't have any tears left, he just leans against Reynir, taking big shuddering breaths and speaks in a hoarse voice.]

I can't be alone. I can't live like that.

[braidmage]

[ Reynir is acutely aware, as he is sitting there and holding Onni has the sobs are torn from him, how little he has lost in his life, compared to Onni. Hell, even before it had all gone wrong, Onni had lived in a place where he had to take precautions. Where he could hear the trolls, the souls in them screaming. And then every bit of stability he'd had was ripped away in a moment without any forewarning.

They are wounds Reynir can't repair. He feels very small, and very helpless. He does the only thing he can: holds Onni, firm and unflinching, undaunted by the tears. He strokes Onni's hair back from his face, rubs big circles into his back.

And when Onni gasps out those despairing words, Reynir promises: ]

You won't be. You aren't.

[ But he doesn't try to stop the tsunami of grief; as far as he's concerned, it's probably long overdue. After all, had Onni let himself really cry like this, unrestrained and animal and awful, right when Tuuri died? Reynir has no way of knowing, since he was in another country, but he doubts it. Not enough. And he doubts he'd had the chance to grieve like this when he was only fifteen, too. All that stored up sadness had to go somewhere. At least here, Onni is (relatively) safe from danger. And Reynir is here, to murmur quietly and hold him tight enough that he doesn't fly into a million pieces. ]

[scowlish]

[The deluge of grief and self-hatred and loneliness doesn't let up, it keeps consuming him, washing over him until he can't think coherently, can't formulate sentences or words to say to Reynir to explain. All he can think of is the way Lalli had sounded during that short phone conversation and how Cho had tried to comfort him, of the fact that Lalli had needed to be comforted after exchanging only a couple of sentences with Onni.

It isn't just that, though, it's the memory of the loss of everyone before that - his parents and Tuuri and his grandmother and Hilja and the people of his village, the people he'd grown up with, the people who'd helped him to stay safe and sane in the early years of his life when it was so hard to resist the voices of the corrupted. The people who'd physically pulled him away from the forest when he was young and couldn't control his emotions yet. His mother, who had held him against her when he cried in his sleep and woke up sobbing from the voices and the attacks in his dreamspace, even though she didn't really understand what he was going through.

Without people around him, without his family, without his community, Onni feels lost in a way that's intolerably painful. It feels like Lalli was his last anchor, and without Lalli to take care of, without Lalli to watch over and worry about, he doesn't know what to do. So he cries, and Reynir keeps touching him, rubbing his back and stroking his hair back, even though he doesn't really understand what he's going through.

When he falls quiet, and Reynir says softly that he won't be alone, that he isn't, Onni squeezes his eyes shut and rubs at his face, sits up slowly and opens his eyes, red-rimmed and bright with emotion, to look at the younger man.]

You mean that you'll be with me, don't you?

[braidmage]

Yes.

[ It aches to see Onni like this, in such obvious pain, and know there is very little he can do to help. And Reynir likes to help. Needs to. He's always liked helping people, whether they are strangers of people he cares about. But the feeling is different, with the two of them stranded in this place together, cut of from the world they know. Onni is his ally and just for a few moments, Reynir wonders if he would ever give up. Do something like what Tuuri had done, not to escape infection, but because the pain had become too great, and the despair ate him from the inside.

That thought makes Reynir's insides twist up, his heart beating faster. ]

I know I'm not your family. I know I'm not-

[ He breaks off with a sigh, shaking his head. It's all so hard to put into words. Reynir leans forward, enough that his forehead bumps against Onni's, pressing there. Reynir keeps his eyes closed, voice softer as he continues: ]

I know... it isn't the same. But I want to help you, and- be a part of your life, and I'm not going anywhere. So you aren't alone.

[ But is that enough? Is he enough? Reynir isn't sure he is. Since he left home he is realizing more and more that there are problems that just can't be fixed. There are uncurable wounds, bad luck, chaos. This isn't just about Lalli running off and avoiding Onni. It is about whether Onni can learn to bend, to adapt and survive. Whether he wants to. ]

[scowlish]

[For the past hour or so, Onni has been seriously tempted to give up, to follow his sister to Tuonela to sleep along with their parents and family and everyone else in their village who'd gone before. He's exhausted, physically and mentally and emotionally and part of him wants to just sleep forever, to never wake up.

But Reynir is here, and presses his forehead against Onni's. He can feel the softness of his hair pressed against his skin, and his breath against his mouth and jaw. The aliveness of him is grounding, particularly when Reynir starts speaking, telling him that he knows he's not his family and it isn't the same, but that he wants to be part of his life and he's not going anywhere. That he's not alone.

For a moment, he closes his eyes, just breathing in soft shuddering breaths, feels the momentary urge to lift his hand and put it against Reynir's shoulder and neck, and before he can think about it, he's doing it. His hand rests heavily on that spot for a moment, and then he drops it, exhaling softly.]

Alright.

[For a few long moments he's quiet, just gathering himself, finding his center.]

Why?

[braidmage]

[ Reynir, his eyes still closed, only feels the temporary pressure of Onni's hand, reaching out to him. He feels a surge of hope at that contact, even though it is tentative and brief. Onni reaching out to him, literally as well as figuratively (he had come to Reynir's door this time instead of locking himself in his room and shouting that he wants to be left alone) is a good sign. It means he hasn't fully given up. That some part of what Reynir is saying is hopefully reaching him.

For a moment, the question that follows throws Reynir. He thinks it must be the prelude to something longer, that Onni is about to question why this disease had even come, why that woman could have misinterpreted the relationship between him and his cousin so badly, why they are in this strange place to start with. But nothing is forthcoming, and gradually Reynir realizes that the question wasn't preceding something but following his own declaration that he wants to help Onni and be a part of his life.

Then he is confounded in a different way. He's never had to justify his kindness before in this way.

After a moment's uncertainty what to say, he murmurs a quiet sound, neutral and deliberating. ]

Why did you take care of me when I was sick?

[ Reynir has never stopped to examine why he feels the way he feels about Onni. He just experiences it in the moment, trusts his emotions and instincts without overanalyzing them. ]

Why did you agree to talk to me on the radio, that very first time, and teach me about magic and keep me safe from so many dangers... why do you make sure I've gotten enough to eat and share information with me about this place.

[ Maybe it's his own motives Onni ought to be examining, after all. ]

[scowlish]

[It's a slow process, developing the ability to trust and rely on someone when he's lost so many people. It feels like opening himself up to more hurt, giving the world another vulnerable spot to dig in and take advantage of the softness he can't quite get rid of. But it is changing, slowly but consistently, he can feel it - it was easier, this time, to come to Reynir with this overwhelming, painful emotion that he doesn't feel capable of handling on his own. It was easier to talk about it, easier to expect that Reynir would care about what he's saying. The Icelander isn't perfect, but he's shown that he's reliable for this kind of thing, that he'll listen to Onni and care about him in this incomprehensible emotional way, and it's odd to realize that he's come to rely on it.

Reynir is right. He isn't family, it's different, but as he asks Onni why he'd taken care of him when he was sick, why he'd agreed to talk to him when he called on the radio, why he'd helped protect him and make sure he eats enough and shares information, Onni has to stop to think about why he does those things. Reynir isn't family, he's something else. A friend, a good friend. Someone Onni cares for and wants to keep safe. It isn't the same as family, but the realization of how important Reynir has become is a little surprising.]

I care about you. You're my friend.

[braidmage]

Well, then. You do understand, after all.

[ It isn't news to Reynir, in the same way, that Onni is a large part of his life, now. He had felt that way, if he's honest with himself, ever since they had first met in the dreamspace. Some part of Reynir - whether it is because he's a mage or not - could just sense that Onni was going to be important to him. That feeling has only gotten stronger since, through adversity and grief and terror and joy, too.

Reynir plucks at the soft sleeve of his robe, uses it to very gently swipe at the lingering wetness on Onni's cheeks and around his eyes - carefully, so carefully. ]

I care about you, Onni. You're my closest friend, and that means I want to do whatever I can to keep you safe, and happy.

[ The words are easy for Reynir to say. He has never been someone to withhold affection or overthink if he's giving too much, being too open, too soft, too loving. It just pours from him, generous and warm. He is all heart and bright green eyes and belief in other people. ]

And it means, as shitty as this whole situation is, I'm really glad when you were feeling so bad, you came and found me. And trusted me like this.

[ Reynir tucks a few stray strands of Onni's hair behind his ear. He can see the bruises under his eyes, how tired he must be. He needs sleep, but there's no chance of that right now. So instead, Reynir suggests: ]

Now. How about we come up with a plan to figure out where Lalli's hiding himself?

[scowlish]

[For a few moments after Reynir speaks, Onni is just still, looking at the other man, and then Reynir is using the soft sleeve of his robe to wipe at Onni's face, carefully drying the skin where tears have left it raw. The gentleness of the touch is foreign, and yet familiar. Onni isn't sure he's been touched like that by anyone but Reynir since he was a child, and it's strangely comforting almost as much as it is confounding.

Closest friend, Reynir says, and that's more confusing than anything. Onni isn't sure anyone has ever actually called him that before. He's never really had the opportunity to get that close to anyone before, and it's strange to realize that this is the point he's at with Reynir now. Not unpleasant, but strange.

Reynir reaches out and tucks back some of his hair, his fingers brushing against the still-sensitive scar tissue at the top of it, and Onni takes a shuddering breath, eyes falling shut just for a moment before he opens them and meets Reynir's eyes. The Icelander's face is as open as always, his emotions and thoughts written all over him, and Onni wonders for what must be the hundredth time how he survives this way.

There's some awkward feeling in him when Reynir says he's glad that Onni came to him when he was feeling bad, that he trusted him like this. And it's strange to realize that that's what this is. That he's trusted Reynir, when he'd gone to knock on his door instead of holing up in his room and trying to swallow it down.]

Oh.

[He swallows hard, and lifts his hand to rub at his eye, exhaling roughly, and meeting Reynir's eyes for a moment.]

I'm...glad I did, too. And yes, I...I need to find him. To at least find out why he left, or what I did to hurt him so much.

[braidmage]

[ Onni is still blaming himself, still seeing Lalli's actions as a direct reflection of his own failing. But that despair that Reynir had been so terrified to see in him isn't so close to the surface anymore. It's a small victory, but Reynir doesn't let himself get discouraged. Now that he's realized just how badly Onni thinks of himself, he understands that getting him to change his mind is going to be a long game. Not something to be healed in just an hour or day or week or month.

And for right now, the best way he can help Onni is to remove the thing that's causing him the most immediate pain - not knowing where his cousin is. Once they have that information, Reynir will make decisions about how to proceed. But for them to even have that option, they've got to figure some stuff out. ]

Then let's find him. Together.