redshiftlogs | [semi-open] never betray the way you've always known it is

[Don't tell him Reynir was worried, it'll just make Lalli feel guilty about finding him annoying, and that's unconscionable.

He just looks smug as Onni inspects the box, though. It's the face of a guy who knew exactly what he was doing and milked it for all it was worth.]

It was her idea.

[That wasn't the intention, but he'll take it. Anything that will make Lalli and Reynir get along better is something he won't say no to.

When he glances back at Lalli after he sees the candy, his cousin's face is painfully smug. Onni knows that face. He's seen it a thousand times when he asked Lalli to do something and Lalli found a loophole, or when he exploited Onni's emotional nature to get extra sweets. His brows raise a little.

Part of him feels almost sorry for Cho, having to deal with this. Part of him loses a little respect for her, because Lalli needs protein and vitamins and vegetables right now, not pure sugar. But all of him feels incredibly relieved that Lalli is feeling well enough to be smug over weaseling as much candy out of that woman as he could.]

Only because I told her before that you like sweets. I suppose it did what it needed to, but don't expect me to stuff you full of sugar. You need more than that, and I made that rabbit stew you like.

Edited 2019-12-06 08:48 (UTC)

[Frankly, the thought of something as rich as rabbit stew turns his stomach right now, as much as he likes it typically. But this whole ordeal has made him feel like he's lost any grounds to disagree with Onni on any point, so he only makes a small, token noise of discomfort before falling back into silence.

If Onni thinks he needs to eat stew, then he'll at least try to choke it down.]

She could tell you what the medication is. [If she and Onni were on pleasant speaking terms, before. Lalli didn't know that. Is that another thing he's messed up because of all this?]

Don't be mad at her.

[Onni doesn't miss the noise Lalli makes when he talks about rabbit stew, so he adjusts his expectations of what he might get into Lalli right now. All he knows is that having nothing but sugar won't be good for him right now.]

Mm. Maybe some bone broth?

[When Lalli says that Cho could tell him what the medication is, he visibly tenses, and glances away from Lalli. He's still angry at her, he's not sure when he'll stop being angry at her or if he ever will.

But Lalli asks him to not be mad at her, and his mouth tightens a little.]

I don't know if I can.

[The memory of how he'd felt when he'd been talking to Lalli just for a moment, one sentence, and she took the phone away floods back. His eyes sting even though he feels like he's cried all the tears he has, and that's a thing that he knows is going to linger in him for a long time. Onni is generally a forgiving person, but that is something he doesn't know if he can forget.]

Maybe later.

Edited 2019-12-09 05:26 (UTC)

[Lalli can't help but curl in on himself a little, because the idea that Onni would blame Cho for something that is Lalli's doing is just the capstone on this awful day.]

She was just trying to help. She didn't know. I'm the one who started everything.

I know.

[It comes out a little tense, and Onni doesn't look at his cousin, just slips off his fur robe and replaces the towel around Lalli's shoulders with it, tugging the hood up over Lalli's wet hair. It's still cold outside.]

But I can't...

[It's hard to know how to explain what he's thinking and feeling. It's never been easy, and in this case he's not completely sure himself, not enough to vocalize it.]

I can't be scared for you and relieved to see you and angry at you all at the same time. It's too much.

[Lalli's head is bowed after Onni gives him his coat; his hands curl into fists on the rim of the toilet seat, trembling with tension and exhaustion and simple cold, and he can't look Onni in the eye.

It's Onni's own confirmation that he should be mad at Lalli, maybe, but suddenly the guilt in his chest caves into an awful, gaping hole.]

Just be angry at me, then.

[It's familiar territory, after all.]

[Some part of Onni is angry at Lalli, in a way. Lalli had done things over the past few days and particularly today, that had hurt Onni badly, he's still hurting. But any anger he feels toward Lalli is softened by the knowledge of how badly Lalli had been hurting in order to do what he did.

When Lalli tells him to just be angry at him then, Onni shakes his head.]

It doesn't work like that. I did things to hurt you, to make you run away like that. I was angry that you didn't tell me where you went and that you were safe.

[His voice goes breathy for a moment, tense.]

I was so scared, Lalli

[A moment, to catch his breath, and then he speaks again, a little more even this time.]

But I understand why, now. I don't understand her or what she did. I don't want to.

But none of that is her fault. It's mine.

[He doesn't know where this come from, this bizarre need to be blamed for how things played out. He's always hated knowing a bad situation is his fault. But he knows how to deal with Onni's lectures and stern disapproval and disappointment; he doesn't know how to deal with this... softness, this forgiveness, this understanding.

This isn't a dynamic he knows how to navigate with Onni.]

You're always telling me I have to take responsibility for my mistakes. I don't... I don't understand.

There are things she did that are her fault. I don't know if you remember them. You were sick.

[A shrug. That much is easily dealt with. The rest, Onni isn't sure how to address, isn't sure how to vocalize. He doesn't even entirely understand why he doesn't want to be angry at Lalli, can't be angry at Lalli right now.

There's no room to be angry. He loves his cousin too much, that feeling fills him up until there's no room left in him. Lifting a hand, he rubs at his face with an open hand, takes a shaky breath.]

You already did, Lalli. You explained yourself and you apologized.

That's never been enough before.

[He can feel himself getting agitated, which he isn't supposed to be doing, but he can't help it. The longer this goes on, the more Onni refuses to give him a real answer, the more confused Lalli gets. Why isn't Onni angry with him? The one time Onni isn't reacting the way Lalli expects, and he has no idea what the difference is.]

I shouldn't have done it at all. Isn't that what you always say? We can't make mistakes.

[As much trouble as Lalli is having understanding Onni's reasons, Onni is having the same with expressing what's going on in his mind. It doesn't click, what the reason is for Lalli's insistence that he be angry with him until Lalli reminds him that he said they can't make mistakes.

For a second, Onni is completely still, his stomach feeling like a block of ice abruptly. This is suddenly a lot more complicated than it had been before, and he's exhausted. He doesn't know how to explain the nuances of what he'd meant to Lalli, who so often sees things as black and white. It's becoming so obvious to him, now, where he'd made mistakes with handling Lalli, the disservices he'd done his cousin by being too busy and tired and scared to teach him these distinctions.

For a moment, he feels beyond exhausted, wonders if he shouldn't have let Lalli go home with someone else, back then, someone who could have helped him more, treated him better.]

I know I say that. When I say it, I mean...we can't make mistakes about being safe or sharing information or pursuing it when we feel like something bad is happening.

[It's a little hesitant, but he turns his head and looks at Lalli again. This is uncomfortable, he doesn't like the inconsistency of it, but he'd been wrong and it's his place to correct it.]

I should have made that clearer. We can't make mistakes in our work as mages and soldiers and scouts and protectors. If we do, we can't brush it off like it was nothing. It always matters. Every time. But this...

[He gestures vaguely.]

This is something between people, with feelings. It's different. And you only hurt me.

[He doesn't see how it's different. Everyone seems to care a lot about feelings, actually, and gets upset when Lalli does something to hurt them even when he doesn't understand why or how he did. But Onni seems to know what he's talking about, and Lalli is tired of thinking and tired in general, so all he can do is take Onni on faith. If Onni tells him he's wrong then he must be wrong. Onni has always seemed to the world better than Lalli, so Lalli simply has to trust him.

But he doesn't like it. There's something nagging at him here, but he doesn't know what.]

But I didn't want to. [Hurt Onni, that is.]

[While they're not the same, Onni does have his own problems with feelings. It's less a misunderstanding of why and how they work in others, and more a difficulty in understanding and verbalizing his own, in taking them into consideration instead of repressing them and then getting carried off by them when he can no longer hold them back.

So in a way, he cares about his feelings and at the same time he doesn't.

When Lalli says he didn't want to hurt him, Onni makes a sound in his throat, crouches down in front of his cousin, sitting on his heels and looks at his face. Avoiding prolonged eye contact is instinctive, but he does look his cousin in the eyes, just for a moment, to show that he's being genuine.]

I didn't think you did. Besides, I hurt you too, didn't I? We can call that even, hm?

[Lalli's eyes flick over Onni's face in turn before falling back to the floor, an acknowledgement of what Onni is trying to do. He's still not convinced. But despite everything, he still trusts Onni, and for now that will have to be enough.

Just for now.]

Okay.

[He's ready to be done with this conversation, if nothing else. His eyelids are already threatening to drift closed.]

Okay.

[It's an acknowledgement. This conversation doesn't feel finished, but for the first time today, Onni thinks that's probably alright, trusts Lalli enough to believe that they can come back to this at some point when they've got the energy for it. When Lalli isn't sick.

Right now, Lalli looks exhausted, and Onni can't blame him for that. So he takes the lacquer box and hands it over to his cousin, then fluffs his fur robe around him, his lips twitching just slightly. It isn't really a smile, but it's as close as he can get right now.]

Home, then?

Mmm.

[He nods once, and makes an attempt to stand. It doesn't get far, he gets dizzy immediately, and has to lean his weight against Onni once again, his face in the crook of Onni's neck. He's too tired to be embarrassed by it, either.

This is okay. With this, and Onni's cloak around him, it feels safe. Like the only acceptable capstone to a truly awful day. Lifetime, really.

There's a part of him that hopes he falls asleep before they return, so he doesn't have to deal with it ending.]

[Something settles in him, a little, when Lalli pitches toward him and buries his face in his neck and lets his weight fall on him. Without commenting, Onni shifts, crouches a little and hooks his arms under Lalli's knees, lifting him with a little grunt of effort. Onni is exhausted and worn out in every way it is possible to be worn out, but Lalli weighs so little, and it feels right to pick him up and shift his familiar weight in his arms.]

Sleep, if you can.

[His voice is pitched soft and careful, and he shifts his arms a little so Lalli is more sheltered by the cloak, so it's easier for his cousin to let his face fall against his chest.]

I won't leave you.

Edited 2019-12-12 07:22 (UTC)

[semi-open] never betray the way you've always known it is

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