Qubit (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
superposition) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
redshiftlogs2019-11-26 11:33 am
superposition) wrote in redshiftlogs2019-11-26 11:33 am
Following Up Following Down [closed]
Who: Qubit, assorted
What: Qubit needs to contact a few people about the whole Longinmouth situation.
When: i don't even know. time isn't real
Where: Anchor
Warnings: N/A
1. for Ben & Pratt, separately
[ Both of them will get the same text, but at slightly different times. ]
I need to speak with you. In person, if possible.
It's about the incident with Carlisle.
2. for Kieran
[ There's no point trying to contact Kieran over the network. He couldn't read to begin with, and now he's blind as well. So Qubit tracks him down in person, checking in first at the Medbay, only to find out he's been released and relocated into the dormitories.
He finds the appropriate door and knocks. ]
Kieran? It's Qubit. Are you in?
3. for Onni
[ Carlisle is Qubit's friend. He'll stop at nothing to help him. But there's only so much he can actually do - he may be able to help Carlisle suppress the psionic side of his abilities, but that was never going to be anything but a stopgap, a treatment of the symptoms rather than the underlying cause.
The cause is magic. And magic is far outside his wheelhouse.
He does know a handful of magic-users in Anchor. Initially, he thought about asking Loki, but the man's trustworthiness aside, he's been Ported out. Reynir's wards might be useful for containment, but that's not his objective right this second. There's still one avenue he needs to explore, one that's a total unknown. Onni Hotakainen, the Finnish mage.
So one day, Onni will be getting an audio call from him: ]
Onni Hotakainen? This is Qubit. I'll get right to the point - there's an urgent matter that I believe only a mage may be able to resolve, and I need to know if you can help. The safety of everyone in Anchor is at stake.
What: Qubit needs to contact a few people about the whole Longinmouth situation.
When: i don't even know. time isn't real
Where: Anchor
Warnings: N/A
1. for Ben & Pratt, separately
[ Both of them will get the same text, but at slightly different times. ]
I need to speak with you. In person, if possible.
It's about the incident with Carlisle.
2. for Kieran
[ There's no point trying to contact Kieran over the network. He couldn't read to begin with, and now he's blind as well. So Qubit tracks him down in person, checking in first at the Medbay, only to find out he's been released and relocated into the dormitories.
He finds the appropriate door and knocks. ]
Kieran? It's Qubit. Are you in?
3. for Onni
[ Carlisle is Qubit's friend. He'll stop at nothing to help him. But there's only so much he can actually do - he may be able to help Carlisle suppress the psionic side of his abilities, but that was never going to be anything but a stopgap, a treatment of the symptoms rather than the underlying cause.
The cause is magic. And magic is far outside his wheelhouse.
He does know a handful of magic-users in Anchor. Initially, he thought about asking Loki, but the man's trustworthiness aside, he's been Ported out. Reynir's wards might be useful for containment, but that's not his objective right this second. There's still one avenue he needs to explore, one that's a total unknown. Onni Hotakainen, the Finnish mage.
So one day, Onni will be getting an audio call from him: ]
Onni Hotakainen? This is Qubit. I'll get right to the point - there's an urgent matter that I believe only a mage may be able to resolve, and I need to know if you can help. The safety of everyone in Anchor is at stake.
no subject
I don't need another lecture on what a danger I am to everyone around me, particularly from someone who does not know me. I have had enough of those in my lifetime.
no subject
He can see where the missed connection is, where they ended up at cross purposes. But it's tough to put it diplomatically, without saying "he only said that because it's true." ]
Well, look at it from his perspective. I don't know exactly what you said to each other, but... I don't think he'd have lectured you on it if he could tell you understood.
no subject
As I said, he does not know me, nor do I know him. He saw me at my worst, and as far as I'm concerned, that is all he may ever see me as.
no subject
He still wants to help you, Carlisle.
no subject
no subject
[ This time it's not so much a pause as a hesitation. He could say why Ben might relate to Carlisle on a personal level, but... that's not really his place, is it? Not the details, anyway - the few that Ben's trusted him with. ]
... Based on what he's told me, I think he knows a thing or two about being seen at his worst.
no subject
Do you believe he could help me? Honestly?
[Carlisle wouldn't ask for Qubit's opinion if he didn't care for it; he apparently expects Qubit to be truthful with him. Most importantly, Carlisle trusts him still.]
no subject
[ And that is his honest opinion. The goal is still to save Carlisle, and Qubit genuinely believes this will help. But... given Carlisle's skepticism, maybe he should elaborate a bit as to why. ]
... Control issues aren't that uncommon, where I'm from. Often someone will come into their powers very suddenly, for instance, or a power might be inherently recalcitrant, for whatever reason, or - any combination of factors. What I'm saying is, you're hardly the first.
[ He says all of that without judgment; it's a statement of fact. Carlisle may feel like his situation is unique and unprecedented, and on his own world that may even be true, but here? ]
no subject
How many here can say their mere existence is a potential threat to everyone around them? How many here consider that a merciful death, should everything go wrong, is just likely make things worse? How many may not get to choose whether they are in control or not?
I— [another sigh.] I'm not saying it's not worth trying, but- but have you any idea what it's like to worry all the time about losing who you are to circumstances beyond your control? To be a constant danger to everyone? I shouldn't even be near people if I can help it, but I'm too much of a coward to do otherwise, and I always have been.
[He falls quiet again, clearly frustrated more with himself than with Qubit for even proposing he speak with Ben.]
I know I merely need time, or practice, or... something. But what if I don't have time? It may be like Bear Den, and I have to question if any good I could do would even be worth the effort in the end.
no subject
But it's odd how he phrases it. Reaching out to others, craving human connection - that's what he calls cowardice? To Qubit, it's just the opposite. Cowardice is what isolates him, keeps him walled off from the people he cares about. On the other hand, Carlisle's instinct is to withdraw, and living around people must take enormous courage - even if, admittedly, it's more dangerous for them than for him.
It brings up another question he's had on the back burner for a while. ]
Carlisle... can I ask you a hypothetical question? [ He's going to anyway. ]
If you didn't have your magic, or your affliction. If you woke up tomorrow morning and you were just... a normal human being. No powers, no curse, no danger.
What would you want to do?
no subject
I... would just be. I would sleep and eat the same as any other living being. Do whatever my still-beating heart desired without fear of reprisal or ruination. I wouldn't consider and reconsider and reconsider everything I do and say a hundred times over, wondering how it could all go wrong at any second, whether it is my fault or not. I would no longer think of my existence as a burden to those around me. Why would I, when I am just the same as them? When I no longer worry about who I am, or what I've been, or what I've done, or what I could yet do.
[An audible breath. It's a wonderful, unattainable thought.]
I'd want to live, I suppose. Literally and figuratively.
no subject
... In short, you want freedom. Is that fair to say?
no subject
I believe that's a fair assessment, yes. If I could have anything, it would be freedom to simply be. I often felt in life that I never had any agency in the matter. I certainly don't have a choice now.
no subject
... But it doesn't mean he's right to. ]
Don't you?
cw: suicidal ideation
[Well, maybe he can, but he has scruples with that. Another sigh.]
I do not mean to refute your every suggestion. I suppose that is exhaustion speaking.
no subject
[ He's not so naive as to think he can change Carlisle's self-image, much less overnight. But sow the seeds of hope thickly enough, and who knows what might sprout? ]
You didn't choose your circumstances, that's true. But you have choices, you said so yourself. You've chosen to work toward control, you've chosen to try and right your mistakes. You could easily give in to the curse, but you've chosen to fight it.
... You chose to save Kieran's life, knowing it might cost you everything.
Those aren't the choices of a monster, Carlisle.
no subject
As for what's going on in his head right now, it's clearly something as he falls silent, turning over Qubit's assessment in his mind. Qubit isn't presenting him with anything new -- he's just recontextualizing Carlisle's own words, presenting them in a way Carlisle is currently struggling to see. However, he knows he's chosen to work toward control, knows he's making amends, knows he's fighting it in any way he can.
It's that last one that gets him: Qubit, someone who chastised him for his foolishness in healing Kieran despite what good sense would have dictated, points out a factor that Carlisle himself so often overlooks when thinking about that incident. Yes, it went wrong; yes, he unknowingly put them all in danger. He'd been sure something could have happened, but he wasn't entirely certain at the time what.
But what Carlisle did know when he agreed to heal Kieran was that it would pose harm to himself. He knew it would hurt to channel restorative energies; he knew it could tear him apart from the inside out, counteract the energies keeping him animated, or possibly worse... and yet, he healed Kieran anyway. Some of it might have been his pride and his need to find value in his existence, but most important was that he put the life of another human being -- a man he didn't know, even -- over his own. He chose to do that.
And for all that went wrong, that should count for something. It certainly does when it's someone else suggesting it, especially someone he respects.]
I... I suppose you are right, Mister Qubit. They are not the choices of a monster, and most important is not what I am unable to change about each one, but that I made those choices in the first place. A literal monster would not be cognizant enough to recognize a presented choice, and one who is more monster than man would choose in his own favor every time.