He keeps clinging to Cole, even now that the decision is made. Ben wonders if it is always going to feel like this, every time for the rest of his life if he turns down a call to action and puts himself first. Will he get better at it, or will he always feel this awful.

Sighing shakily, he finally pulls away from Cole, pushing his hair from his face and looking into Cole's face. There is no impatience there, no disappointment, no anger at him for needing all this. Just Cole.

Ben closes his eyes, presses his forehead against Cole's. Slowly, the panicky feeling and the worst of the guilt start to hurt a little less, but Ben knows they aren't just going to go away all at once, or on his own. He knows what he would always do, back home, when things got to be too much. It had been a solitary thing for him, then.

But now, he has Cole to share it with.

"Can I - can I read to you?"

A distraction, and he knows maybe he shouldn't do this, shouldn't run towards the closest means of escape. But it's easy, and it's comfortable, and it will get him out of his head for this part, for the worst of it. Otherwise he's going to obsess about if it's still too late to change his mind, about how they are faring without him.