redshiftlogs | walking on sunshine

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walking on sunshine | open

WHO: Cole and anyone
WHAT: Catch all
WHEN: December-Jan?

NOTE: If you want a personal starter, hit me up and I'll do one.

Out and About

There's been a change in Cole. Unlike most changes to Cole, which involve his physical body looking more or less cadaverous depending on his current connection to the living world, this one incorporates more.

Yes, he's clearly in a good mood, because he looks bright and alive, there's colour to his skin and at times, he seems to almost glow with a warm, inner light that invokes feelings of cuddling small, fluffy baby animals and home baked goods being set on the table.

But the biggest difference is the fact that someone had convinced Cole to invest in some self care. His usually grubby skin is clean, pale but clean. His lank, darkened hair is washed and soft looking, a warm, light blonde that shines gold in certain lights.

He's wearing different clothes. It's just sweats and a tee and a hoodie that's too big for him, but it beats the worn, ragged leathers held together by optimism and old stains. He's barefoot most of the time, just as silent as ever but more surprising than bare feet is the bare head. His hat is not a permanent fixture.

He still wanders around like a lost soul, but he's a happy and clean lost soul now.

Monster Attack!

Animals love Cole. Tiny dragon lizards are no different and he talks away to them, letting them swarm over him and telling them all about the dragons of Thedas, giant, fearsome and terrifying things that Cole still speaks of with fondness.

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Genji has never been happier than when surrounded by small dragons that climb all over him. He kneels down near a group, unscrewing the lid of a small container and holding out small pieces of food to them with chopsticks. He's frozen a bunch of bits of fruit and veggies and is carefully feeding them one by one, speaking to them softly in Japanese.

He's been out here daily since recovering from the shaky chills he had after rescuing his fish, bringing snacks to the dragons. They're happy eating snow, but everyone could use a sweet treat now and again.

Or every day by Genji's way of thinking.

He nods politely to Cole nearby not recognizing him at all without the hat, "Do they have such creatures in your world as well?"

Cole shrinks back into himself.

The coldness of Genji is not as apparent now, not with animals, which he apparent likes, but Cole's fingers still flick to make his knife appear in them, frost forming over the metal blade, cold even in the snow.

"... yes. But they're bigger. And eat people. And livestock. And anything else they can fit in their mouth. You like animals more than people, and you don't care if you hurt innocents. I don't like that much."

"I've never hurt an innocent person." He pauses in feeding the dragons to glance over at Cole, a little confused by what he's saying. On the other hand he definitely does like animals more than people, animals don't betray you.

"I would enjoy seeing a giant dragon. Perhaps not one that eats people, but it must be magnificent." Behind the mask he smiles, reaching out to one of the dragons to let it chomp on his metal finger. "It would be like the stories my father told me long ago."

"You hurt Cho. Not with your hands, but her fear cut deeper than any blade could, severing her mind from her body." Cole knows better than anyone that the worst hurts are rarely the physical ones.

Several of the dragons are coming to investigate Cole, climbing up his bare feet and clothed legs. He lets them, content to be part of their exploration games. "I don't know of dragons who don't attack people. Big ones, anyway. Maybe in another world, but not Thedas."

"I don't know who Cho is?" He sounds honestly confused. Maybe Cole has him mistaken for someone else? Which... is a situation that Genji has never been in, there aren't a whole lot of cyborg ninjas around. Though Carlisle had thought he was Scaramouche briefly, but Scaramouche is about eight feet tall so that's not likely to happen again except by someone so technologically terrified.

"Why do they attack people? Is there not enough food?" He runs his thumb along the jaw of the dragon happily chewing on his finger, suddenly saddened. "I hope these do not get so big that they do that. I don't want to kill them to save people."

But his tone indicates that he would. Under duress. Because that's what he does, he saves people.

"You threatened her life and safety repeatedly while she attended medical care of another. When she was too scared to speak anymore, you threatened her more, until Lalli made you stop."

Cole hasn't encountered Scaramouche, not directly. He's seen one of the robots is different, less charging up chirping and offering things.

One of the dragons has reached his shoulders and is flapping its tiny wings back and forth while standing on its hind legs. "Yes, you are very magnificent," he agrees absently.

"I do not know what you are talking about?" He frowns, trying to figure out what Cole means, he hasn't threatened anyone that he can remember, except Hanzo. Mentally he's trying to recall every woman he's met here. Allison he knows, Elleru too, Arya he had watched movies with. What was the name of the person he played Mario Kart with? Was that Cho? That wasn't exactly threatening except that he'd slaughtered her at it.

"Oh! The woman with Lalli?" Suddenly he gets it, "I didn't threaten her. Lalli threw a blow dryer at me and then she accused me of coming to steal things. Then she stopped talking. I never even unsheathed my sword, she was not in danger."

Not that Cho knew that, but to Genji it was fairly obvious that he wasn't going to hurt her. "I did not know why she was there with Lalli. She never said when I asked."

Behind the visor he grins at the little dragon flapping its wings, "It is a shame they cannot fly. They keep attempting it. Perhaps they are not full grown yet?"

"She did. Repeatedly. You were not hearing."

Several people had. Genji might have heard, but he didn't listen. Or maybe that was the other way around.

"I was there. I carried her out." He reaches up absently to rub the little lizard's chest with a finger. "Your mind was... sharp, mission, retrieve, he burst in from nowhere, he has weapons and he's menacing, threatening, not listening, why isn't he-" He winces and steps back. Another dragon takes the chance to swarm up him, clinging to his chest and making noises up at his chin.

"No she didn't. She thought I was there to steal the soap." Which is a little comical looking back on it, but he'd been miffed at the time to be accused of coming in there to steal things when all he wanted was to find out where Lalli was and if he was okay.

He blinks at Cole as he steps back, "Are you alright?"

Chopsticks and food forgotten he swiftly gets to his feet and moves towards Cole, ready to reach out to help him, concerned that he may be about to pass out. "What is wrong?"

The words Cole is saying would make some amount of sense if Genji was listening, but he's suddenly worried that this man is injured and might need help. He's not a medic, he doesn't know how to assist other than maybe carrying him to the medbay.

"You burst in with weapons drawn. She was tending him, startled 'There's nothing to steal, can't you see his sick?!' She cradled him, spoke low, soothing, 'Your fever is going to spike again', help into the cool water. Hand at sword, 'I would've hit you, the one holding him hostage', he would've hit me, I couldn't stop him, I can never stop people hurting me, I can't stop him-"

He steps back again and this time moves to the side with a flicker of smoke. His skin is a touch paler than it was. "I'm not injured. I'm the spirit of Compassion Onni calls on to heal people." He turns his head, pulling up the hood and letting the flappy dragon nuzzle him. "And if Onni told you that Cho kidnapped him, I will be very unhappy, because that's not at all what happened. We just promised not to tell Onni where he was, because he was sick with the idea that we would. Sick inside and out, don't tell Onni, don't want Onni, tell him I'm fine but I don't want him."

"Whatever you are doing, you should stop. It seems to be hurting you?" He remains standing, alarmed that Cole is getting visibly paler. Whatever he's calling upon to remember things in detail like that is making him flicker? Disappear in smoke the same way Genji did, but with a different tone to it. Maybe more like Reaper.

Was it painful every time he did that?

"I would only have hurt her if she hurt Lalli. Since she did not, she was never in danger. I wouldn't ever hurt someone for no reason." He sounds vaguely disgusted with even the idea of that.

"Onni told me that someone had him and wouldn't say where. It sounded bad, I went to find him to make sure he was alright. I was thinking of what would have happened in the same situation with my brother. How worried he would have been."

Well. When they were younger anyway. Now he knows it would be different. But there was a time when Hanzo would have razed the world to save his little brother.

"I was only trying to help. It is not Onni's fault. You may blame me instead."

He's used to it. Being the disappointment in the family sticks with you forever.

"I'm Compassion. When others hurt, I hurt. That's what Compassion is."

But now that Genji's not trying to move towards him, he stops flickering, stops moving to put distance between them.

To Cole, it's very obvious that Cho had no way of knowing she wasn't in danger. Everything Genji did and said had exuded menace to a small, defenceless woman. But Genji-

He holds the dragon to his chest, eyes closed and thoughts and feeling and moments catching him, pulling his awareness. Part golem, part human, the pain of the rebuild, the privilege that led so many astray from their compassion-

"Hanzo," he whispers. He opens his eyes. "I don't blame you. Blame has no purpose. You hurt someone I like. That just... is." He strokes the back of his finger down the long, arched throat.

"How do you decide who to be compassionate to? Why Lalli and not Onni?"

Now that Cole isn't acting like he's hurt, Genji backs away. The dragons he was feeding have taken the opportunity when he was distracted to tip over the food container and dig in. At least something is enjoying themselves.

"What about Hanzo?" This is perhaps the most confusing conversation that he's ever had.

"That is wise. There is no changing the past, time flows forever forward." He sits back down with the dragons, encouraging them to climb all over him again. "I don't think I understand people anymore."

Ben had said he was a person, that he always had been. But maybe he wasn't enough of a person to hold a conversation anymore, no matter how he tried.

"Why help the person who has had their foot crushed off before the one who has ingested witherstalk?"

Both suffer. Both hurt. But one is at immediate risk of not recovering, the other will survive. And if only one can be helped in that moment...

"To help Onni would be to harm Lalli. To help Lalli was to hurt Onni. Sometimes, you can't stop hurt, only harm. And I don't know if you don't understand people anymore. I don't know if you understood them before either. But I'm not human. Not a person. I'm Compassion. Cole. People find me confusing. I don't mean to be, but I am. Not understanding me doesn't make you less a person."

"I thought I did. But I've been wrong about a great many things."

Now that he thinks about it, he's not sure what exactly he's been right about. Wrong about Hanzo. Wrong about Overwatch. Wrong about himself. Wrong about trying to help Lalli. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Well Hanzo was right anyway. That would please him.

"That sounds lonely. Being compassion. Everyone hurts in their own way, it must be constant."

Cole genuinely doesn't know. Genji's emotions and mind are just alien enough that he's skimming it rather than delving deep, his disconnect between action and outcome and ongoing action confusing for him.

"Everyone hurts. But a lot of people also love, feel relief, I can help. I can usually help. That's what Compassion is. Compassion is empathy, understanding and then trying to make it better without doing more harm if possible. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes all you can do is apologise, or let them know you tried and meant well but it went wrong. Sometimes, when you try and make it better, you make it worse and that feels awful for them and you, so you just apologise and listen again to what will help."

"That sounds nice, to be able to help people. That is why I joined Overwatch." He runs his fingers along the wings of one of the dragons, "We saved many people, sometimes the entire world. But I'm not sure that we helped them. Saving and helping are different things."

Maybe it was worth it. He made a difference in the world, but ... He sighs, plucking the dragon off his shoulder and putting it in his lap.

"Yes. They are."

Cole doesn't save people. He helps them. Sometimes, it's the same thing. Sometimes it's not.

"The world doesn't care one way or another about itself or what lives on it. It's a thing, and people speak of it like it's a person, but it's not. It changes and sometimes, what we call end, it never notices, because it continues on."

"I care. The world may not, but I do." He cares intensely, deeply, about all the people he's met. Both back home and here. It's the only thing that has kept him going through all the pain and misery of existence.

"If I could help everyone I would. But I don't think that's possible. And most would not accept my help anyway. People like other people. And I'm not much of a person anymore."

"People don't like other people. You're still a person, nothing that happened to you invalidates that, no one can take that from you unless you let them in your mind and soul. But, you're not necessarily a person that others like. That's completely different. I know you hurt, and have been hurt, but that doesn't mean you should hurt others. And if you don't know that you're hurting people... Maybe that's part of the problem."

Cole shrugs a little. "But, sometimes it's easier to say 'I'm not a person', because being a person is hard. I know. I have to work at it. I'm going to go find Ben now, because I'm really uncomfortable."

He nods, clutching one of the little dragons to his chest, listening to the tiny rumble it makes echo against the metal of his armor. As soon as it moves to get out of his grasp he lets it go, letting it crawl up him to sit on his head.

"Okay. Ben is very kind, he's a good person." The kind of person Genji wishes he was. "You told me once I make everything worse. That I make things sharp and shattered and painful. I think you're right."

He stays right where he is, eyes locked on the ground. Cole should go find Ben, he'd be able to smooth over this uncomfortable and confusing conversation. Genji will just stay here and think about everything he's done in his whole life.

He apparently hurt someone he barely even remembers existing? Wouldn't even recognize her if he saw her again.

Still, he can't figure out what he did wrong.

Just like everything else.

"I was angry and scared and hurt. And if you don't want to do that- You need to look at why you do and what you need to change." You don't have to keep being the same person. You can take steps to change yourself in ways you like. And it's frightening and hard and worth it."

Cole keeps walking after that. He can give certain types of help to people. He can care. But he can't fix everything.

The last few weeks have been some of the best of Ben's life. He can't remember the last time he was this happy, this consistently. There had been moments of happiness, when he was a kid, even when he was a ghost. But he has never experienced this: the headlong, all-consuming, bubbly, wonderful feeling of first falling for someone. Cole is on his mind all the time - little funny things he hears or thinks of and wants to tell him, imagining up little gifts for him, running over their conversations over and over in his mind, remembering kissing him, falling asleep beside him.

But after Creepy Joe makes his post on the network, and Ben sees the urgent message from Qubit, telling him to come to the place where he knows the entrance to the guy's creepy surveillance lair is, Ben thinks about Cole in a way that he hasn't, for a while. An urgent, frantic, uneasy summoning. He needs Cole's help, Cole's advice. Not just that. He wants Cole here, so he isn't alone. So he has someone to turn to, in his distress.

Because he is feeling distress, since he saw that message. And he's just having trouble parsing out how much of that is his own lingering feelings over the whole surveillance debacle, and how much is natural cowardice, and how much... well, might be coming not exactly from him. Which is why he needs Cole to help him sort it out and understand what he should do.

To the still-empty room, he says aloud, quietly, voice strained with fear: "Cole?"

Cole is there.

He doesn't follow the network, but he follows Ben. he's been doing it while visible recently, because Ben wants him there, wants to hold his hand and be close and have Cole with him, not just know he's around. It's much nicer than just following Ben and Ben not knowing.

But Ben needs him.

And so Cole is there, stepping close, hand coming to cup Ben's cheek, other on his shoulder. "You're not a coward, Ben. Not wanting to get involved in violence isn't cowardice, it's kindness. Talk to me."

He can just read Ben's mind. But Ben needs to vent it out and work it out with words, out loud.

Ben lets out a shaky exhale of relief, the moment he blinks and suddenly, Cole is there. Ben leans into Cole's touch, pressing his cheek against Cole's hand, his eyes shutting, awash with gratitude. Even now, distressed as he is, he is so glad for Cole. How had he ever managed without him? He doesn't know. His heart is still thudding quickly, adrenaline in his blood, fear tingling through his limbs.

Is it kindness? He doesn't feel kind, now. He feels tangled up, like he's a stranger to himself. He'd spent so many years just wishing his powers gone, trying to shut all of it out, that now, he doesn't know how to tell what's him and what's Them.

The first thing he asks Cole is:

"Are They okay?"

And Ben reaches up for that hand of Cole's on his shoulder, moves it down to press against his stomach.

"Shh." Cole breathes out against Ben's skin and lets his hand be pulled down, until his fingers spread flat over the skin between Them and the world.

He doesn't even need to check to know some of it. "They're scared. That's not the right word for it, but it's the closest one. You're scared and They want to protect you from whatever's making you feel that way. They can't hear very well, They just know your fear and... Creepy Joe. Make him go away, make him not scare you."

He shifts to look Ben in the eye. "They think he's scaring you and has to stop."

Ben gives a small, silent nod of his head, biting his lower lip hard. Cole isn't telling him anything that he didn't already half-know, but the confirmation of it helps to dull the sharpest edge of his panic. That is, until he shuts his eyes, remembers what he'd seen in that video on the network. Those small tentacles coming out from where Creepy Joe's eye ought to be, from inside his mouth. Not a symbiosis, like Ben has with Them. Something different. An infection - a parasite. Ben shudders, a violent spasm of complete terror.

It's silly, Ben thinks. Of all the people in this place, he ought to be the least frightened of Creepy Jo, right?

But the fear is twisted up tight in his guts, and he shuffles closer still to Cole, explaining:

"Qubit told me to come up there, to where that tunnel was. He needs my help."

Ben knows a call to a mission when he hears one. He knows what duty and responsibility sound like. And when it's time for a mission, it doesn't matter how scared or unwilling he might feel. He'd been taught that lesson again and again. Should he do what he'd always done, back then? Rush and get ready and show up and do what was asked of him?

But Qubit isn't Reginald. Him calling on Ben doesn't automatically mean that he wants violence. He might not want violence at all, in which case, is it really a good idea for Ben to be there? When he's worked up in this state, and They are so worked up? Ben can control his powers, but if he was startled, if he started to panic? What might happen?

"Cole... I don't know what to do..."

There's a crack in his voice as he says it. This, at least, is something he'd never had before. He had never had someone like Cole, someone he trusted so entirely. Someone he could bare his fear to, ask for guidance and help.

Edited 2020-01-08 16:30 (UTC)

"No one can tell you what to be afraid of, or what not to be afraid of." Cole brushes Ben's hair back softly, keeps stroking because it's soothing, calming. "He's as frightening to you as he could be to anyone. Maybe more, because you know something similar and completely unlike."

Cole shakes his head and steps in a bit more, trying to pull Ben into a hug, so he can hold him (protect him, shelter him) and reassure him. "You don't have to go. I don't think you should. Having to go on missions hurts you, damages your spirit and you shouldn't do that to yourself. You need to care for you, because They don't know how and I can't do it unless you let me." He kisses Ben's brow. "You have every right to look after you and that means not going. And you need to look after Them, which means looking after you and how you feel."

Ben shuts his eyes, leaning against Cole with a shuddery exhale of relief. He sinks into it, that comfort and shelter that Cole offers, like slipping into a painless sleep. Cole makes it sound so simple. Ben can be afraid, Ben can choose not to be hurt, Ben can tell people no. Even if they need him. Ben wishes it were that simple and clear, inside him. Logically, he agrees with the things Cole is saying. It's the sort of advice he would give anyone else - even Cole himself, if need be. And yet it goes against everything he'd ever been taught to do and believe.

How will he feel, if he keeps himself entirely separate? Now that Qubit had texted him and the question had been asked, Ben knows he can't just ignore it without the guilt eating away inside him like rust. Corrosive, slow, unstoppable. As much as he might not like it, or ever be able to articulate it (not that that is necessary with Cole), some part of his mind thinks Reginald was right making him go on all those missions, if only because he kept his siblings safe. What if he stays here, hugging his boyfriend, warm and safe and unbothered, and things go badly with Creepy Joe and Qubit dies? Or Peter, or even a stranger? Won't that mean more hurt to Ben, in the end.

There has to be some other way. Some middle ground, between abandoning all responsibility and marching uncomplaining right to the front line. Sniffing slightly, Ben asks:

"What about... I can do and just... hang back. Be there, in case my friends need me, but keep far away from - from him."

Ben pulls away, just far enough that he can look in Cole's eyes, the tips of their noses just touching. Ben's heart still seems to constrict with emotion, every time he looks at Cole so close like this. God, he cares about him so much. He brushes his knuckles against Cole's cheek, a whisper-soft contact, gone in a moment.

"And it will be okay. It won't be like missions because... if anything goes wrong - I have you."

That thought, realized and articulated at the same moment, is the first thing that really diffuses some of the terror that has sunk its claws into Ben. Cole could come to him, wherever, like he had here. He and Cole had gotten through the Pit together. He can hang back and just keep watch, be there for his friends without having to dive into the middle of danger. And if anything goes wrong, Ben knows that They will keep him safe, and Cole will keep him safe. He isn't on his own. Isn't alone.

Maybe it is foolish, maybe it is naive, maybe it is wrong in a hundred ways he couldn't even name. But right then, Ben can only think about how much he loves Cole. Caring for him and how he treats himself. Trying to keep him safe from the dangers, without and within. His beautiful, shy, strange, wondrous Cole.

"No."

He's not telling Ben he can't go, or that he won't let him go. It won't go like that, he's wrong about how it will play out. "They know he's a threat. He scares you. Even thinking about it, They're getting agitated. You don't want to go and They don't want you to do things that scare and hurt you."

His fingers tighten slightly over Them, whispering that Ben's safe, that he's here and has him, that the threat isn't anything They can interact with.

"It won't be like the Pit. They know me, but They don't know the others. Can't tell them apart. I can't show Them and I can't hide more than just you and me." And even that's a strain on him.

"Peter's a super hero. He can look after himself and others. They don't need you or Them to do it. They might make everything worse. It's safer for you to be with me. Be here. For everyone. This time. Do you believe me?" Because if Ben doesn't believe him, he'll resent Cole trying to tell him not to go.

Ben doesn't interrupt Cole, doesn't say anything as he explains, passionate but never commanding, why Ben shouldn't go. Why it's the best thing for everyone, for Them, and for him, to stay. It surprises him a little, how hard this is proving. After all, he wants to do what Cole is suggesting. To stay away, to stay here with Cole, safe and nowhere near Joe and... whatever has happened to him.

He has been doing better recently, he thought. He has been trying not to think of himself as a monster, not to think of himself as someone who missed his opportunity to live and be happy. That progress isn't false. But this is the first time that Ben's safety, Ben's happiness, has come in direct conflict with something that another person has asked of him. He feels a little sick, thinking about saying no to Qubit.

But, carefully, he nods, hiding his face against Cole's neck. Quiet, voice muffled, he says:

"I believe you. I - yes. I'll. I'll stay."

Guilt roils in Ben's stomach, mixing with the agitation he can feel from Them every time he remembers that message from Joe. But there is a small relief in it. In having made the decision. And there is some, more rational part of Ben's brain that is aware this is part of the process. That there was always going to be guilt, that it might always be a challenge for him, choosing himself. In those bad feelings, though, there is no resentment towards Cole. Not even a flicker of anger or impatience. Just soft gratitude towards Cole, and sharpness turned inside at himself.

This is, after all, his fault, for being afraid.

Ben clings to Cole, knowing he is right, knowing this is good for him, proud of himself for managing it and hating himself at the same time. He wishes it were easier, some days, to be Ben Hargreeves. This is one of those days.

Cole will never tell Ben what to do. He will argue for why something is a better choice, but Ben is his own person and can decide for himself.

It's stilla relief when Ben decide to put himself and Them above someone asking him to come with them on a mission. Ben hates missions and they scar him every time scars his soul and scars Them in ways that even Cole can't quite perceive.

"I'm so proud you," he whispers into Ben's temple, still holding him. Rubbing his back. "For looking after you and Them. They need you to do that. I don't need you to look after you, but it makes me happier that you have."

He keeps clinging to Cole, even now that the decision is made. Ben wonders if it is always going to feel like this, every time for the rest of his life if he turns down a call to action and puts himself first. Will he get better at it, or will he always feel this awful.

Sighing shakily, he finally pulls away from Cole, pushing his hair from his face and looking into Cole's face. There is no impatience there, no disappointment, no anger at him for needing all this. Just Cole.

Ben closes his eyes, presses his forehead against Cole's. Slowly, the panicky feeling and the worst of the guilt start to hurt a little less, but Ben knows they aren't just going to go away all at once, or on his own. He knows what he would always do, back home, when things got to be too much. It had been a solitary thing for him, then.

But now, he has Cole to share it with.

"Can I - can I read to you?"

A distraction, and he knows maybe he shouldn't do this, shouldn't run towards the closest means of escape. But it's easy, and it's comfortable, and it will get him out of his head for this part, for the worst of it. Otherwise he's going to obsess about if it's still too late to change his mind, about how they are faring without him.

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walking on sunshine | open

Monster Attack!

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Creepy Joe

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