walking on sunshine | open

[killedwithlove]

WHO: Cole and anyone
WHAT: Catch all
WHEN: December-Jan?

NOTE: If you want a personal starter, hit me up and I'll do one.

Out and About

There's been a change in Cole. Unlike most changes to Cole, which involve his physical body looking more or less cadaverous depending on his current connection to the living world, this one incorporates more.

Yes, he's clearly in a good mood, because he looks bright and alive, there's colour to his skin and at times, he seems to almost glow with a warm, inner light that invokes feelings of cuddling small, fluffy baby animals and home baked goods being set on the table.

But the biggest difference is the fact that someone had convinced Cole to invest in some self care. His usually grubby skin is clean, pale but clean. His lank, darkened hair is washed and soft looking, a warm, light blonde that shines gold in certain lights.

He's wearing different clothes. It's just sweats and a tee and a hoodie that's too big for him, but it beats the worn, ragged leathers held together by optimism and old stains. He's barefoot most of the time, just as silent as ever but more surprising than bare feet is the bare head. His hat is not a permanent fixture.

He still wanders around like a lost soul, but he's a happy and clean lost soul now.


Monster Attack!

Animals love Cole. Tiny dragon lizards are no different and he talks away to them, letting them swarm over him and telling them all about the dragons of Thedas, giant, fearsome and terrifying things that Cole still speaks of with fondness.

Comments

[killedwithlove]

"Shh." Cole breathes out against Ben's skin and lets his hand be pulled down, until his fingers spread flat over the skin between Them and the world.

He doesn't even need to check to know some of it. "They're scared. That's not the right word for it, but it's the closest one. You're scared and They want to protect you from whatever's making you feel that way. They can't hear very well, They just know your fear and... Creepy Joe. Make him go away, make him not scare you."

He shifts to look Ben in the eye. "They think he's scaring you and has to stop."

[benhargreeves]

Ben gives a small, silent nod of his head, biting his lower lip hard. Cole isn't telling him anything that he didn't already half-know, but the confirmation of it helps to dull the sharpest edge of his panic. That is, until he shuts his eyes, remembers what he'd seen in that video on the network. Those small tentacles coming out from where Creepy Joe's eye ought to be, from inside his mouth. Not a symbiosis, like Ben has with Them. Something different. An infection - a parasite. Ben shudders, a violent spasm of complete terror.

It's silly, Ben thinks. Of all the people in this place, he ought to be the least frightened of Creepy Jo, right?

But the fear is twisted up tight in his guts, and he shuffles closer still to Cole, explaining:

"Qubit told me to come up there, to where that tunnel was. He needs my help."

Ben knows a call to a mission when he hears one. He knows what duty and responsibility sound like. And when it's time for a mission, it doesn't matter how scared or unwilling he might feel. He'd been taught that lesson again and again. Should he do what he'd always done, back then? Rush and get ready and show up and do what was asked of him?

But Qubit isn't Reginald. Him calling on Ben doesn't automatically mean that he wants violence. He might not want violence at all, in which case, is it really a good idea for Ben to be there? When he's worked up in this state, and They are so worked up? Ben can control his powers, but if he was startled, if he started to panic? What might happen?

"Cole... I don't know what to do..."

There's a crack in his voice as he says it. This, at least, is something he'd never had before. He had never had someone like Cole, someone he trusted so entirely. Someone he could bare his fear to, ask for guidance and help.

[killedwithlove]

"No one can tell you what to be afraid of, or what not to be afraid of." Cole brushes Ben's hair back softly, keeps stroking because it's soothing, calming. "He's as frightening to you as he could be to anyone. Maybe more, because you know something similar and completely unlike."

Cole shakes his head and steps in a bit more, trying to pull Ben into a hug, so he can hold him (protect him, shelter him) and reassure him. "You don't have to go. I don't think you should. Having to go on missions hurts you, damages your spirit and you shouldn't do that to yourself. You need to care for you, because They don't know how and I can't do it unless you let me." He kisses Ben's brow. "You have every right to look after you and that means not going. And you need to look after Them, which means looking after you and how you feel."

[benhargreeves]

Ben shuts his eyes, leaning against Cole with a shuddery exhale of relief. He sinks into it, that comfort and shelter that Cole offers, like slipping into a painless sleep. Cole makes it sound so simple. Ben can be afraid, Ben can choose not to be hurt, Ben can tell people no. Even if they need him. Ben wishes it were that simple and clear, inside him. Logically, he agrees with the things Cole is saying. It's the sort of advice he would give anyone else - even Cole himself, if need be. And yet it goes against everything he'd ever been taught to do and believe.

How will he feel, if he keeps himself entirely separate? Now that Qubit had texted him and the question had been asked, Ben knows he can't just ignore it without the guilt eating away inside him like rust. Corrosive, slow, unstoppable. As much as he might not like it, or ever be able to articulate it (not that that is necessary with Cole), some part of his mind thinks Reginald was right making him go on all those missions, if only because he kept his siblings safe. What if he stays here, hugging his boyfriend, warm and safe and unbothered, and things go badly with Creepy Joe and Qubit dies? Or Peter, or even a stranger? Won't that mean more hurt to Ben, in the end.

There has to be some other way. Some middle ground, between abandoning all responsibility and marching uncomplaining right to the front line. Sniffing slightly, Ben asks:

"What about... I can do and just... hang back. Be there, in case my friends need me, but keep far away from - from him."

Ben pulls away, just far enough that he can look in Cole's eyes, the tips of their noses just touching. Ben's heart still seems to constrict with emotion, every time he looks at Cole so close like this. God, he cares about him so much. He brushes his knuckles against Cole's cheek, a whisper-soft contact, gone in a moment.

"And it will be okay. It won't be like missions because... if anything goes wrong - I have you."

That thought, realized and articulated at the same moment, is the first thing that really diffuses some of the terror that has sunk its claws into Ben. Cole could come to him, wherever, like he had here. He and Cole had gotten through the Pit together. He can hang back and just keep watch, be there for his friends without having to dive into the middle of danger. And if anything goes wrong, Ben knows that They will keep him safe, and Cole will keep him safe. He isn't on his own. Isn't alone.

Maybe it is foolish, maybe it is naive, maybe it is wrong in a hundred ways he couldn't even name. But right then, Ben can only think about how much he loves Cole. Caring for him and how he treats himself. Trying to keep him safe from the dangers, without and within. His beautiful, shy, strange, wondrous Cole.

[killedwithlove]

"No."

He's not telling Ben he can't go, or that he won't let him go. It won't go like that, he's wrong about how it will play out. "They know he's a threat. He scares you. Even thinking about it, They're getting agitated. You don't want to go and They don't want you to do things that scare and hurt you."

His fingers tighten slightly over Them, whispering that Ben's safe, that he's here and has him, that the threat isn't anything They can interact with.

"It won't be like the Pit. They know me, but They don't know the others. Can't tell them apart. I can't show Them and I can't hide more than just you and me." And even that's a strain on him.

"Peter's a super hero. He can look after himself and others. They don't need you or Them to do it. They might make everything worse. It's safer for you to be with me. Be here. For everyone. This time. Do you believe me?" Because if Ben doesn't believe him, he'll resent Cole trying to tell him not to go.

[benhargreeves]

Ben doesn't interrupt Cole, doesn't say anything as he explains, passionate but never commanding, why Ben shouldn't go. Why it's the best thing for everyone, for Them, and for him, to stay. It surprises him a little, how hard this is proving. After all, he wants to do what Cole is suggesting. To stay away, to stay here with Cole, safe and nowhere near Joe and... whatever has happened to him.

He has been doing better recently, he thought. He has been trying not to think of himself as a monster, not to think of himself as someone who missed his opportunity to live and be happy. That progress isn't false. But this is the first time that Ben's safety, Ben's happiness, has come in direct conflict with something that another person has asked of him. He feels a little sick, thinking about saying no to Qubit.

But, carefully, he nods, hiding his face against Cole's neck. Quiet, voice muffled, he says:

"I believe you. I - yes. I'll. I'll stay."

Guilt roils in Ben's stomach, mixing with the agitation he can feel from Them every time he remembers that message from Joe. But there is a small relief in it. In having made the decision. And there is some, more rational part of Ben's brain that is aware this is part of the process. That there was always going to be guilt, that it might always be a challenge for him, choosing himself. In those bad feelings, though, there is no resentment towards Cole. Not even a flicker of anger or impatience. Just soft gratitude towards Cole, and sharpness turned inside at himself.

This is, after all, his fault, for being afraid.

Ben clings to Cole, knowing he is right, knowing this is good for him, proud of himself for managing it and hating himself at the same time. He wishes it were easier, some days, to be Ben Hargreeves. This is one of those days.

[killedwithlove]

Cole will never tell Ben what to do. He will argue for why something is a better choice, but Ben is his own person and can decide for himself.

It's stilla relief when Ben decide to put himself and Them above someone asking him to come with them on a mission. Ben hates missions and they scar him every time scars his soul and scars Them in ways that even Cole can't quite perceive.

"I'm so proud you," he whispers into Ben's temple, still holding him. Rubbing his back. "For looking after you and Them. They need you to do that. I don't need you to look after you, but it makes me happier that you have."

[benhargreeves]

He keeps clinging to Cole, even now that the decision is made. Ben wonders if it is always going to feel like this, every time for the rest of his life if he turns down a call to action and puts himself first. Will he get better at it, or will he always feel this awful.

Sighing shakily, he finally pulls away from Cole, pushing his hair from his face and looking into Cole's face. There is no impatience there, no disappointment, no anger at him for needing all this. Just Cole.

Ben closes his eyes, presses his forehead against Cole's. Slowly, the panicky feeling and the worst of the guilt start to hurt a little less, but Ben knows they aren't just going to go away all at once, or on his own. He knows what he would always do, back home, when things got to be too much. It had been a solitary thing for him, then.

But now, he has Cole to share it with.

"Can I - can I read to you?"

A distraction, and he knows maybe he shouldn't do this, shouldn't run towards the closest means of escape. But it's easy, and it's comfortable, and it will get him out of his head for this part, for the worst of it. Otherwise he's going to obsess about if it's still too late to change his mind, about how they are faring without him.