walking on sunshine | open

[killedwithlove]

WHO: Cole and anyone
WHAT: Catch all
WHEN: December-Jan?

NOTE: If you want a personal starter, hit me up and I'll do one.

Out and About

There's been a change in Cole. Unlike most changes to Cole, which involve his physical body looking more or less cadaverous depending on his current connection to the living world, this one incorporates more.

Yes, he's clearly in a good mood, because he looks bright and alive, there's colour to his skin and at times, he seems to almost glow with a warm, inner light that invokes feelings of cuddling small, fluffy baby animals and home baked goods being set on the table.

But the biggest difference is the fact that someone had convinced Cole to invest in some self care. His usually grubby skin is clean, pale but clean. His lank, darkened hair is washed and soft looking, a warm, light blonde that shines gold in certain lights.

He's wearing different clothes. It's just sweats and a tee and a hoodie that's too big for him, but it beats the worn, ragged leathers held together by optimism and old stains. He's barefoot most of the time, just as silent as ever but more surprising than bare feet is the bare head. His hat is not a permanent fixture.

He still wanders around like a lost soul, but he's a happy and clean lost soul now.


Monster Attack!

Animals love Cole. Tiny dragon lizards are no different and he talks away to them, letting them swarm over him and telling them all about the dragons of Thedas, giant, fearsome and terrifying things that Cole still speaks of with fondness.

Comments

[benhargreeves]

Ben doesn't interrupt Cole, doesn't say anything as he explains, passionate but never commanding, why Ben shouldn't go. Why it's the best thing for everyone, for Them, and for him, to stay. It surprises him a little, how hard this is proving. After all, he wants to do what Cole is suggesting. To stay away, to stay here with Cole, safe and nowhere near Joe and... whatever has happened to him.

He has been doing better recently, he thought. He has been trying not to think of himself as a monster, not to think of himself as someone who missed his opportunity to live and be happy. That progress isn't false. But this is the first time that Ben's safety, Ben's happiness, has come in direct conflict with something that another person has asked of him. He feels a little sick, thinking about saying no to Qubit.

But, carefully, he nods, hiding his face against Cole's neck. Quiet, voice muffled, he says:

"I believe you. I - yes. I'll. I'll stay."

Guilt roils in Ben's stomach, mixing with the agitation he can feel from Them every time he remembers that message from Joe. But there is a small relief in it. In having made the decision. And there is some, more rational part of Ben's brain that is aware this is part of the process. That there was always going to be guilt, that it might always be a challenge for him, choosing himself. In those bad feelings, though, there is no resentment towards Cole. Not even a flicker of anger or impatience. Just soft gratitude towards Cole, and sharpness turned inside at himself.

This is, after all, his fault, for being afraid.

Ben clings to Cole, knowing he is right, knowing this is good for him, proud of himself for managing it and hating himself at the same time. He wishes it were easier, some days, to be Ben Hargreeves. This is one of those days.

[killedwithlove]

Cole will never tell Ben what to do. He will argue for why something is a better choice, but Ben is his own person and can decide for himself.

It's stilla relief when Ben decide to put himself and Them above someone asking him to come with them on a mission. Ben hates missions and they scar him every time scars his soul and scars Them in ways that even Cole can't quite perceive.

"I'm so proud you," he whispers into Ben's temple, still holding him. Rubbing his back. "For looking after you and Them. They need you to do that. I don't need you to look after you, but it makes me happier that you have."

[benhargreeves]

He keeps clinging to Cole, even now that the decision is made. Ben wonders if it is always going to feel like this, every time for the rest of his life if he turns down a call to action and puts himself first. Will he get better at it, or will he always feel this awful.

Sighing shakily, he finally pulls away from Cole, pushing his hair from his face and looking into Cole's face. There is no impatience there, no disappointment, no anger at him for needing all this. Just Cole.

Ben closes his eyes, presses his forehead against Cole's. Slowly, the panicky feeling and the worst of the guilt start to hurt a little less, but Ben knows they aren't just going to go away all at once, or on his own. He knows what he would always do, back home, when things got to be too much. It had been a solitary thing for him, then.

But now, he has Cole to share it with.

"Can I - can I read to you?"

A distraction, and he knows maybe he shouldn't do this, shouldn't run towards the closest means of escape. But it's easy, and it's comfortable, and it will get him out of his head for this part, for the worst of it. Otherwise he's going to obsess about if it's still too late to change his mind, about how they are faring without him.