redshiftlogs | walking on sunshine

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walking on sunshine | open

WHO: Cole and anyone
WHAT: Catch all
WHEN: December-Jan?

NOTE: If you want a personal starter, hit me up and I'll do one.

Out and About

There's been a change in Cole. Unlike most changes to Cole, which involve his physical body looking more or less cadaverous depending on his current connection to the living world, this one incorporates more.

Yes, he's clearly in a good mood, because he looks bright and alive, there's colour to his skin and at times, he seems to almost glow with a warm, inner light that invokes feelings of cuddling small, fluffy baby animals and home baked goods being set on the table.

But the biggest difference is the fact that someone had convinced Cole to invest in some self care. His usually grubby skin is clean, pale but clean. His lank, darkened hair is washed and soft looking, a warm, light blonde that shines gold in certain lights.

He's wearing different clothes. It's just sweats and a tee and a hoodie that's too big for him, but it beats the worn, ragged leathers held together by optimism and old stains. He's barefoot most of the time, just as silent as ever but more surprising than bare feet is the bare head. His hat is not a permanent fixture.

He still wanders around like a lost soul, but he's a happy and clean lost soul now.

Monster Attack!

Animals love Cole. Tiny dragon lizards are no different and he talks away to them, letting them swarm over him and telling them all about the dragons of Thedas, giant, fearsome and terrifying things that Cole still speaks of with fondness.

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Genji has never been happier than when surrounded by small dragons that climb all over him. He kneels down near a group, unscrewing the lid of a small container and holding out small pieces of food to them with chopsticks. He's frozen a bunch of bits of fruit and veggies and is carefully feeding them one by one, speaking to them softly in Japanese.

He's been out here daily since recovering from the shaky chills he had after rescuing his fish, bringing snacks to the dragons. They're happy eating snow, but everyone could use a sweet treat now and again.

Or every day by Genji's way of thinking.

He nods politely to Cole nearby not recognizing him at all without the hat, "Do they have such creatures in your world as well?"

Cole shrinks back into himself.

The coldness of Genji is not as apparent now, not with animals, which he apparent likes, but Cole's fingers still flick to make his knife appear in them, frost forming over the metal blade, cold even in the snow.

"... yes. But they're bigger. And eat people. And livestock. And anything else they can fit in their mouth. You like animals more than people, and you don't care if you hurt innocents. I don't like that much."

"I've never hurt an innocent person." He pauses in feeding the dragons to glance over at Cole, a little confused by what he's saying. On the other hand he definitely does like animals more than people, animals don't betray you.

"I would enjoy seeing a giant dragon. Perhaps not one that eats people, but it must be magnificent." Behind the mask he smiles, reaching out to one of the dragons to let it chomp on his metal finger. "It would be like the stories my father told me long ago."

"You hurt Cho. Not with your hands, but her fear cut deeper than any blade could, severing her mind from her body." Cole knows better than anyone that the worst hurts are rarely the physical ones.

Several of the dragons are coming to investigate Cole, climbing up his bare feet and clothed legs. He lets them, content to be part of their exploration games. "I don't know of dragons who don't attack people. Big ones, anyway. Maybe in another world, but not Thedas."

"I don't know who Cho is?" He sounds honestly confused. Maybe Cole has him mistaken for someone else? Which... is a situation that Genji has never been in, there aren't a whole lot of cyborg ninjas around. Though Carlisle had thought he was Scaramouche briefly, but Scaramouche is about eight feet tall so that's not likely to happen again except by someone so technologically terrified.

"Why do they attack people? Is there not enough food?" He runs his thumb along the jaw of the dragon happily chewing on his finger, suddenly saddened. "I hope these do not get so big that they do that. I don't want to kill them to save people."

But his tone indicates that he would. Under duress. Because that's what he does, he saves people.

"You threatened her life and safety repeatedly while she attended medical care of another. When she was too scared to speak anymore, you threatened her more, until Lalli made you stop."

Cole hasn't encountered Scaramouche, not directly. He's seen one of the robots is different, less charging up chirping and offering things.

One of the dragons has reached his shoulders and is flapping its tiny wings back and forth while standing on its hind legs. "Yes, you are very magnificent," he agrees absently.

"I do not know what you are talking about?" He frowns, trying to figure out what Cole means, he hasn't threatened anyone that he can remember, except Hanzo. Mentally he's trying to recall every woman he's met here. Allison he knows, Elleru too, Arya he had watched movies with. What was the name of the person he played Mario Kart with? Was that Cho? That wasn't exactly threatening except that he'd slaughtered her at it.

"Oh! The woman with Lalli?" Suddenly he gets it, "I didn't threaten her. Lalli threw a blow dryer at me and then she accused me of coming to steal things. Then she stopped talking. I never even unsheathed my sword, she was not in danger."

Not that Cho knew that, but to Genji it was fairly obvious that he wasn't going to hurt her. "I did not know why she was there with Lalli. She never said when I asked."

Behind the visor he grins at the little dragon flapping its wings, "It is a shame they cannot fly. They keep attempting it. Perhaps they are not full grown yet?"

"She did. Repeatedly. You were not hearing."

Several people had. Genji might have heard, but he didn't listen. Or maybe that was the other way around.

"I was there. I carried her out." He reaches up absently to rub the little lizard's chest with a finger. "Your mind was... sharp, mission, retrieve, he burst in from nowhere, he has weapons and he's menacing, threatening, not listening, why isn't he-" He winces and steps back. Another dragon takes the chance to swarm up him, clinging to his chest and making noises up at his chin.

"No she didn't. She thought I was there to steal the soap." Which is a little comical looking back on it, but he'd been miffed at the time to be accused of coming in there to steal things when all he wanted was to find out where Lalli was and if he was okay.

He blinks at Cole as he steps back, "Are you alright?"

Chopsticks and food forgotten he swiftly gets to his feet and moves towards Cole, ready to reach out to help him, concerned that he may be about to pass out. "What is wrong?"

The words Cole is saying would make some amount of sense if Genji was listening, but he's suddenly worried that this man is injured and might need help. He's not a medic, he doesn't know how to assist other than maybe carrying him to the medbay.

"You burst in with weapons drawn. She was tending him, startled 'There's nothing to steal, can't you see his sick?!' She cradled him, spoke low, soothing, 'Your fever is going to spike again', help into the cool water. Hand at sword, 'I would've hit you, the one holding him hostage', he would've hit me, I couldn't stop him, I can never stop people hurting me, I can't stop him-"

He steps back again and this time moves to the side with a flicker of smoke. His skin is a touch paler than it was. "I'm not injured. I'm the spirit of Compassion Onni calls on to heal people." He turns his head, pulling up the hood and letting the flappy dragon nuzzle him. "And if Onni told you that Cho kidnapped him, I will be very unhappy, because that's not at all what happened. We just promised not to tell Onni where he was, because he was sick with the idea that we would. Sick inside and out, don't tell Onni, don't want Onni, tell him I'm fine but I don't want him."

"Whatever you are doing, you should stop. It seems to be hurting you?" He remains standing, alarmed that Cole is getting visibly paler. Whatever he's calling upon to remember things in detail like that is making him flicker? Disappear in smoke the same way Genji did, but with a different tone to it. Maybe more like Reaper.

Was it painful every time he did that?

"I would only have hurt her if she hurt Lalli. Since she did not, she was never in danger. I wouldn't ever hurt someone for no reason." He sounds vaguely disgusted with even the idea of that.

"Onni told me that someone had him and wouldn't say where. It sounded bad, I went to find him to make sure he was alright. I was thinking of what would have happened in the same situation with my brother. How worried he would have been."

Well. When they were younger anyway. Now he knows it would be different. But there was a time when Hanzo would have razed the world to save his little brother.

"I was only trying to help. It is not Onni's fault. You may blame me instead."

He's used to it. Being the disappointment in the family sticks with you forever.

"I'm Compassion. When others hurt, I hurt. That's what Compassion is."

But now that Genji's not trying to move towards him, he stops flickering, stops moving to put distance between them.

To Cole, it's very obvious that Cho had no way of knowing she wasn't in danger. Everything Genji did and said had exuded menace to a small, defenceless woman. But Genji-

He holds the dragon to his chest, eyes closed and thoughts and feeling and moments catching him, pulling his awareness. Part golem, part human, the pain of the rebuild, the privilege that led so many astray from their compassion-

"Hanzo," he whispers. He opens his eyes. "I don't blame you. Blame has no purpose. You hurt someone I like. That just... is." He strokes the back of his finger down the long, arched throat.

"How do you decide who to be compassionate to? Why Lalli and not Onni?"

Now that Cole isn't acting like he's hurt, Genji backs away. The dragons he was feeding have taken the opportunity when he was distracted to tip over the food container and dig in. At least something is enjoying themselves.

"What about Hanzo?" This is perhaps the most confusing conversation that he's ever had.

"That is wise. There is no changing the past, time flows forever forward." He sits back down with the dragons, encouraging them to climb all over him again. "I don't think I understand people anymore."

Ben had said he was a person, that he always had been. But maybe he wasn't enough of a person to hold a conversation anymore, no matter how he tried.

"Why help the person who has had their foot crushed off before the one who has ingested witherstalk?"

Both suffer. Both hurt. But one is at immediate risk of not recovering, the other will survive. And if only one can be helped in that moment...

"To help Onni would be to harm Lalli. To help Lalli was to hurt Onni. Sometimes, you can't stop hurt, only harm. And I don't know if you don't understand people anymore. I don't know if you understood them before either. But I'm not human. Not a person. I'm Compassion. Cole. People find me confusing. I don't mean to be, but I am. Not understanding me doesn't make you less a person."

"I thought I did. But I've been wrong about a great many things."

Now that he thinks about it, he's not sure what exactly he's been right about. Wrong about Hanzo. Wrong about Overwatch. Wrong about himself. Wrong about trying to help Lalli. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Well Hanzo was right anyway. That would please him.

"That sounds lonely. Being compassion. Everyone hurts in their own way, it must be constant."

Cole genuinely doesn't know. Genji's emotions and mind are just alien enough that he's skimming it rather than delving deep, his disconnect between action and outcome and ongoing action confusing for him.

"Everyone hurts. But a lot of people also love, feel relief, I can help. I can usually help. That's what Compassion is. Compassion is empathy, understanding and then trying to make it better without doing more harm if possible. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes all you can do is apologise, or let them know you tried and meant well but it went wrong. Sometimes, when you try and make it better, you make it worse and that feels awful for them and you, so you just apologise and listen again to what will help."

"That sounds nice, to be able to help people. That is why I joined Overwatch." He runs his fingers along the wings of one of the dragons, "We saved many people, sometimes the entire world. But I'm not sure that we helped them. Saving and helping are different things."

Maybe it was worth it. He made a difference in the world, but ... He sighs, plucking the dragon off his shoulder and putting it in his lap.

"Yes. They are."

Cole doesn't save people. He helps them. Sometimes, it's the same thing. Sometimes it's not.

"The world doesn't care one way or another about itself or what lives on it. It's a thing, and people speak of it like it's a person, but it's not. It changes and sometimes, what we call end, it never notices, because it continues on."

"I care. The world may not, but I do." He cares intensely, deeply, about all the people he's met. Both back home and here. It's the only thing that has kept him going through all the pain and misery of existence.

"If I could help everyone I would. But I don't think that's possible. And most would not accept my help anyway. People like other people. And I'm not much of a person anymore."

"People don't like other people. You're still a person, nothing that happened to you invalidates that, no one can take that from you unless you let them in your mind and soul. But, you're not necessarily a person that others like. That's completely different. I know you hurt, and have been hurt, but that doesn't mean you should hurt others. And if you don't know that you're hurting people... Maybe that's part of the problem."

Cole shrugs a little. "But, sometimes it's easier to say 'I'm not a person', because being a person is hard. I know. I have to work at it. I'm going to go find Ben now, because I'm really uncomfortable."

He nods, clutching one of the little dragons to his chest, listening to the tiny rumble it makes echo against the metal of his armor. As soon as it moves to get out of his grasp he lets it go, letting it crawl up him to sit on his head.

"Okay. Ben is very kind, he's a good person." The kind of person Genji wishes he was. "You told me once I make everything worse. That I make things sharp and shattered and painful. I think you're right."

He stays right where he is, eyes locked on the ground. Cole should go find Ben, he'd be able to smooth over this uncomfortable and confusing conversation. Genji will just stay here and think about everything he's done in his whole life.

He apparently hurt someone he barely even remembers existing? Wouldn't even recognize her if he saw her again.

Still, he can't figure out what he did wrong.

Just like everything else.

"I was angry and scared and hurt. And if you don't want to do that- You need to look at why you do and what you need to change." You don't have to keep being the same person. You can take steps to change yourself in ways you like. And it's frightening and hard and worth it."

Cole keeps walking after that. He can give certain types of help to people. He can care. But he can't fix everything.

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walking on sunshine | open

Monster Attack!

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