redshiftlogs | When you wake you shall have cake. [CLOSED]

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When you wake you shall have cake. [CLOSED]

WHO: Rey and Elleru.
WHAT: Shortly after promising to return to bed at the behest of her roommate, Rey might have gotten distracted.
WHERE: Room Double 014.
WHEN: A couple days after this conversation.

Shit, was there something she was supposed to do?

It's not normally like Rey to forget things so easily. Between the lack of sleep and only the brief few minutes of reprieve via power naps in between, she's running on fumes. Not much different from how she had survived in the sky prison, always having to look behind her back... The synthetics here might not pose a similar thread as the ones Rey has consistently faced over her myriad lifetimes, but it doesn't mean they're let entirely off the hook yet.

After so much time pouring over data and studying the wires of a door panel she had opened, hoping to try and bypass the security protocol... She's worn herself ragged once again. A small break isn't going to cut it.

Not that she can tell the passing of time the natural way from where she is, with no windows and a long corridor behind her offering no natural light. From a bag consisting of a datapad she had scanned from the library among other 'survival' items, she pulls out a protein bar, heaving a sigh and turning to press her back up against the wall. Her legs slide from under her until she's sitting on the ground. Now, there was something she was supposed to be doing, right?

"Did I leave the oven on?" Rey absentmindedly huffs between bites of her snack, before stopping mid-chew. "Ah, fuck."

Snatching the bag and its contents as she swings back onto her feet, the ground pounds under the soles of her boots as Rey hurries up to the housing level of Anchor.

The automatic door swings open in a hiss as she all but barrels back into her bedroom, breath harried and appearance reflecting that of anyone who's had grooming low on their priorities...

She opens her mouth to call out, but then snaps her jaw back shut to listen in. If she wakes up her roommate so callously, that probably won't help much, either.

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Seeing Elleru actually get out of bed, Rey wills herself to calm down a little as she deflates over an empty chair. She doesn't balk over Elleru's choice of sleepwear -- or lack of -- and just presses her face into the palm of her hand with a groan.

"Don't... Don't worry about that. Long as you're feeling okay, it's fine." Rey pauses, peering up between her fingers. "Are you okay? You're not sick or anything, are you?"

Now that Rey can actually ask that question, she's not sure if she wants to know. There's no way Elleru got like that simply because Rey didn't come back right away, right?

As it turns out, yes, Elleru got like that simply because Rey didn't come back right away.

"I am okay, Rrey," Elleru insists, the dark hue of her skin even deeper as she blushes. How sweet Rey is to be concerned for her. "I was worried for you, as well. You said you would return, and I thought to wait for you. I failed."

It has been well over a day, to be fair, and she's not a machine, but she still feels some shame and irritation over it. Her ears flick up, her brow knitting.

"Why did you not come back when you said you would?"

Was she... Was she trying to stay awake this whole time? It's no big deal for Rey; she's used to sleep deprivation, but Elleru doesn't strike her as someone who's really needed to be the sort.

It's true, she's not a machine. Rey isn't, either -- not wholly, anyway. She still hungers and tires, still feels. And right now, she's feeling rather harried.

She huffs, running a hand through her hair as Tripod bounces from the ruined bed towards Rey's feet, weaving around her ankles.

"Wasn't on purpose. Lost track of time, is all. Had a lot to do."

Elleru frowns, pushing a breath through her nose. She's clearly hurt by this in some way she can't fully put into words, her ears dipping again as she brushes a tuft behind one of them. Her eyes affix themselves on Rey; they are sharp and clear, but searching.

"Was what you had to do more important than keeping your word?"

Rey might not have sworn a solemn vow to her roommate to return as soon as possible, but Elleru clearly took her assurance seriously.

While Rey might miss a lot of social cues, Elleru's disposition is palpable enough that even she picks up on the tension in the air, cut only by Tripod's chirp as he rubs his cheek against her knee.

At least someone isn't making a fuss over it. Hell, maybe he was supervising while Rey had been away. So helpful.

"It's not that big of a deal, is it? Sorry for not calling you, but forgot. Didn't think it'd be important."

No one's really cared where Rey went, asides from her brother.

"It was important to me."

Elleru's eyes remain on Rey; though her tone is chilly, there's a fire behind them. Her head tilts upward at what she deems as a flippant apology; she stands to her full height, her stance proud as she refuses to have her concerns completely ignored.

"I wanted to spend time with you. I made dinner for us. People have vanished from this place, and you would suggest my worry and keeping your word was 'not that big of a deal'?"

With normal people, it's usually easier to pretend to not notice their personal ticks. But the way Elleru's ears shift with her mood, how she wears her feelings on her sleep, she's far too emotive to ignore.

Rey sighs, rubbing her forehead. For all her awareness on how awful Elleru appears, she doesn't look much better. Still dark around the eyes, hair not properly washed between quick showers (if you could call them that) only to get back to work again... It seems like she's 'slept' in the same clothes for a week -- probably because she did.

Needless to say, she's not in the mood to argue on the matter.

"We must have different ideas on what 'keeping your word' means. Don't recall making any promises."

Other than bringing back a book, which Rey surprisingly found among the piles in the library. It's in a bag, which she hasn't yet opened and is so far from her concerns at the moment that she doesn't stop to think about it yet in attempt to mitigate this situation. To Rey, there's nothing to mitigate; she genuinely does not see what is getting her roommate so worked up that she-- Tripod-- had to resort to property damage.

Not that Rey cares about the bed. It's not technically her property, and she couldn't give a damn about ruining things in this place any more than they already are.

A beat later, she finally adds (to answer Elleru's question): "Been working on opening some of the inaccessible rooms around here. Hoped to get into the armory, but that's locked down tight."

"You do not have to promise to have a word to keep," Elleru insists, apparently no longer interested in where Rey was and what she was doing, especially if it didn't involve her. Though they both have been run ragged, she's got enough fire for the both of them; it burns in her chest as she meanders back to her bed, taking a seat in a huff.

She pulls the comforter tighter around her, uncharacteristic uncertainty wearing into her features as she turns her gaze to Rey once more. "Tell me, Rrey," she starts, her tone softer, "do you not like me?"

On one hand, Rey would rather not have to discuss how fruitless her endeavors have thus far been, despite how long she had been trying.

But on the other... what Elleru says catches her completely off-guard. It's not like she isn't used to people being straightforward with her, but no one has really asked that before. No one really cared about that kind of thing.

Her hand drops from her face as she stares at Elleru, bewildered.

"What? No! That's... That's not it at all." She brings her hand back up to the side of her forehead, nursing a spot there. "Really did lose track of time. It gets... fuzzy sometimes, in some places, when no one's around."

Back in the sky prison, having spent weeks on her own, Rey had to come up with various coping mechanisms in her prolonged solitude. Here, she's relied on that some more before she had moved into a room for Tripod. In her efforts to not go mad from loneliness, however, she went a little mad in other ways.

"How long has it been? Don't say it's been days again..."

(It's totally been days again.)

"It has been days," Elleru confirms with a sigh. "Longer than I would like. Long enough to keep me waiting."

But at least Rey insisted that she really did lose track of time, and it's not that she's not interested. Elleru tries to stifle her disappointment, but a part of her wonders if Rey is being truthful. She seems earnest in this moment, but actions often speak louder than words; unfortunately, they come from two very different worlds and lives, and it's all the more difficult to read into her actions because of it. What seems so innocuous to one of them was so important to the other.

There must be an understanding they can reach, Elleru decides. She's not willing to give up on this just yet. Rey really needs someone around, be they a friend, or family, or a romantic partner. Someone to help ground her. Tripod can't do it all alone, can he?

She gives Rey a sad look, her ears dipping as she pats the bed beside her. "I want us to be friends. I want us to spend time together. I am hoping you want that, too."

Tripod certainly can't do it alone, as evidence by having no opposable thumbs to navigate and the forlorn look in his eye when he looks up at Rey. He doesn't hesitate to take her quickly warm spot on the second she rises from her seat, though; his little body curling around himself and purring as if everything is right in the world.

Scooping the strap of the bag from the floor, Rey sighs and saunters to the patted position beside Elleru.

"Apologies. It's not you, promise. Am just not used to living with other people who care," Rey admits.

Orion didn't technically live with Rey in Chicago. Her father was reluctant to let her go anywhere, so when she did she would sneak out on her own accord -- sometimes be gone for a whole day without him even noticing. In her old lives, she rarely worked missions that required others needing to know her whereabouts, but even that's not the same as what Elleru seems to be implying here.

Her head dips as she pulls the back onto her lap. It looks heavy, but she carries it like it's nothing. "Want to spend time together. Even made sure to get you a book, too."

She picks at the fold over the opening of the bag, hesitant to pull it out. If Elleru is angry and doesn't want it, Rey wouldn't blame her; she seems really upset about this.

Rey hesitates, and Elleru takes the moment to put her hand atop Rey's. She smiles at Rey saying she wants to spend time together, but she can't help but wonder if it's all a part of the apology rather than the truth. No, it must be the truth, Elleru decides -- Rey would not lie to her like that over something that means so much.

"You are kind to have remembered my request, despite your distraction." She gives Rey's hand a squeeze. "However, it is your company that matters most to me. You have said before how you 'did not plan to stay long.' That your expectations were not high. That wanting and connections only end in disappointment. I wanted so badly to prove you wrong, and to impress you. I do not want you to think of our friendship as worth your time. It is well worth mine."

Words Rey has heard in one way or another before, even if Elleru doesn't remember -- but this time, perhaps she knows Elleru is nothing but sincere.

Why was she not expecting that? What Elleru said should have been the most obvious thing in the world after all of their previous interactions, yet the sincerity in her words and the kindness of her gestures feel like the truest thing anyone has ever shared with Rey, devoid of resentment. There's no bad blood between them, no ill history to reconcile or dread. It's a clean slate, something Rey isn't sure she knows what to do with.

"Most people remember me for having done only horrible things, in my world," Rey admits, her throat dry as her fingers twitch under Elleru's. She can't tell if she meant to really say that, but now they beg context. "Not something small, either. Many of these things would be what they would call 'crimes against humanity', shit like that. An innumerable amount have died because of me. Naturally that creates waves. People only see you and are reminded of the ones you'd taken away, regardless of fault."

The color drains from her face as the words come pouring out; her stare avoiding Elleru's, her head bows. Sometimes the truth can be the most sour medicine, but it's just as acrid for her as it is to anyone expressing an interest in getting close to her. Even if they are ignorant to her past.

And then there's Faye's face, flashing in Rey's mind's eye. Her fury, her grief, her loneliness. That was one thing they both shared, even if it was so bittersweet. No one is perfect, in the end. She sure as hell isn't.

"Guess it'd be easier to pretend it didn't happen, that none of it matters here, or that you don't need to know. But it does matter." It matters to her. To the ones who have died while Rey remained, being brought back and given yet another chance at life she doesn't deserve. "Spent a lot of time alone. Inside my own head a lot in the last few years. Sometimes things don't feel stable, or present. Had to detach from everything some days just to stay sane."

It hasn't been an issue in a while; though her recent times spent in solitude between the sky prison and here, she feels that same threatening darkness creeping in the back of her mind. Black hands gripping her sanity, all too eager to pull her under.

Elleru is shocked by the revelation Rey lays upon her, her eyes widening, ears rising in obvious alarm. She could tell from one look that Rey was a fighter, but making that assumption on her own is vastly different than hearing from Rey's own lips that innumerable people have died because of her. Was it truly Rey's fault? Did she kill on purpose, or was it self-defense? Calling it a 'crime against humanity' implies the worst, but Elleru can't imagine Rey having done something so horrible. Yet, based on Rey's physical tells -- the color draining from her face, the avoidant look, her head bowing in shame -- Elleru decides she must have.

Her initial reaction is to judge: knowing how destructive uprights can be, perhaps she was naive to seek the best in Rey. However, she fights that impulse, leaning toward her natural inclination to help. She wants to see the best in people, Rey included. She's not just any upright, but a friend. Most importantly, she's someone who needs help -- someone who is clearly remorseful for what has happened. She's not like the uprights of Elleru's world, happy to hunt her kind, eager to sate their bloodlust by means of what they've deemed as a sport. It's not the same thing.

Stifling her discomfort, she refocuses on what's important. Putting her other hand with the first, she clasps Rey's between them.

"You are not alone anymore," she insists, her gaze affixing on Rey's face, searching for her eyes. "You cannot change what you have done, but you can choose who you are now. As you said, it does matter, what has happened. It is a part of who you are. Sometimes, all that we are is not all we wish to be."

After everything she had said, the last thing Rey anticipates in return is a kind gesture. She can't help but flinch in her shoulders when Elleru lays her other hand flat over her own unexpectedly, but maintains some level of composure -- if you could call it that. It's more like she's been rotted from the inside out, and all she can do to cure that rot is to hollow herself until there's nothing left to feel by the most base instinct that remains -- shame, regret. Not the most pleasant mental image, but it's not a particularly pleasant subject matter.

Jaw set tight, the rest of Rey doesn't move. Her eyes just set on Elleru's knuckles. Her soft skin over her own calloused surface. All she can see is something pure over skin blemished by invisible and incurable stains, and her stomach turns. It's a reminder that she hasn't eaten in a while... has she?

"Never asked to me this," Rey affirms, feeling all too suddenly distant and cold in her blood. Like she's out of her own flesh. "Was just... born for it. Not sure how living any different is supposed to be. Had no freedom to be anything else."

Nothing but to play to her own strengths -- leaving a trail of killing, destruction, and heartbreak in her wake.

Numbed, she shrugs a shoulder. "Never planned to live long like this enough to use that freedom, either."

Edited 2020-03-26 06:36 (UTC)

"You are living now, and so you should use your freedom."

Elleru runs her thumb on Rey's hand in circles, trying to comfort her. She can still sense the tension in her roommate's shoulders, see how bothered she is by all this. It's an unusual look for her, and one Elleru isn't sure she likes. Still, she finds herself undeniably pleased that Rey is allowing this vulnerable side of herself to show, no matter how difficult it may be.

"Freedom... is something not everyone is born with. Freedom to live how they want, to make choices their own. To be anything other than what our birth determined. For those like us, having this freedom now means we can be anyone we want to be while we are here."

And when she says us, she means it -- from her birth, her role in the colony was laid before her. She didn't question it for the longest time: she was a shifter, and with her gifts, she would help protect the colony. She ultimately is still trying to do that, but on her terms rather than those determined her by the elders. Their ways weren't working, and someone had to make a change. Why not her?

She gives Rey's hand a reassuring squeeze, bringing her face just a little closer. "And if you do not know how to live any differently, then let me show you."

Rey isn't so deluded to believe that she does not truly share a similar lack of freedom with others. Even those she has known in the past were bound in some ways, whether it be by expectations from society or family, or themselves. In a way, it's torture in its own right.

Her gaze falls to their hands, joined as Elleru's touch attempts a soothing gesture of her own over Rey's, and she knows well enough as to why she's being comforted. She may not think she deserves it, but for some reason this woman seems to have differring opinions on the matter.

Much like Faye did, even when she had every reason to hate Rey for what she did.

A stabbing pain stings her heart as the last thing she remembers of the redhead is a look of panic and mania. Rey's throat hitches, caught between then and now, as she forces herself to finally meet Elleru's gaze.

"How?" is all she can inquire.

How does anyone live differently?

"First, you must decide what you want," she explains softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "It does not have to be big. It can be as simple as to see the morning each day, or as complicated as changing the minds of those around you. You do not have to tell anyone, or you may share it with as many people as you like. You may know right now what it is, or it may take you years to discover, but there must be something you wish for, deep down."

Elleru leans just a little closer, waiting to see if Rey moves away. Tilting her face forward, she aims to press her forehead to Rey's, a common sign of comfort among her kind.

"But until you know what it is, your friends may help you. They allow you to see sides of yourself you never knew were there. They make you question what you thought you knew. They can push you beyond your normal boundaries, help you be unafraid to take risks."

While Rey doesn't move away, she isn't sure what to do, either. She listens, and even understands it to an extent. The feeling of Elleru's forehead pressed to her own offers a bit of comfort in the fog of confusion that plagues her.

"In case you haven't realized, don't really have much in the way of friends," Rey says with a mixture of levity and melancholy, as if she's humoring the situation at least a little bit. She isn't trying to invalidate Elleru's words, simply point out the obvious -- she really doesn't have that many she keeps close to her that she could consider a friend. Hell, even back home those are rare, and might not be what one would consider a normal friendship.

She doesn't turn away, though. Just tilts her head to give Elleru a look, a distant and lost hint in her eyes of someone who has no direction here.

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When you wake you shall have cake. [CLOSED]

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