[open] nobody knows it but me when i slip

[scowlish]

Who: Onni Hotakainen; Ben Hargreeves, open to anyone else who might be in the Library
What: Onni has a bit of a personal problem and turns to the Library for help.
When: mid-September
Where: Library
Format: Whatever you like. I started in brackets, but I do love prose.
Notes: He'll be running into Ben on the first day but the research will take longer than that and I'd love some additional threads. For the non-canon-familiar: 'luonto' is a word for the spirit/life force of a Finnish person, 'runo' is a Finnish magic spell.



[Probably, he should have told Reynir by now, but Onni isn't exactly the type of person to share his vulnerabilities, even with people he likes. So when he'd discovered that he can still see and hear spirits, that he's still aware of and capable of using the power of his luonto and still goes to his haven in the dream space, but isn't capable of using runo anymore, he hadn't mentioned it. Gone on as if things were normal, even though he feels almost completely vulnerable and exposed in this strange place without any familiar method of self-protection.

It takes quite some time to talk himself into trying things another way - the Finnish gods aren't within his reach, he is too far from home, but if there are spirits here, there must be something else here he can call upon. It galls him, enough that he's felt prickly for a week straight, the thought of reaching out to foreign gods for protection, the thought of what that might do to his relationship with his own when he goes home. But the truth is, he can't be without his mage powers, for his own safety, for Reynir's, or for any of the other people here.

So it's just a matter of finding out what there might be here to call upon. Starting from scratch on his training. A huge pain, but not impossible.]

❄ For Ben

[Eventually, he settles on the Library as the best place to look for that kind of information, if such information exists. He feels on edge as he walks inside - it's not much bigger than most libraries he's attended, besides the big one in Mora, which is a little disappointing. Of course, he doesn't register that the computer banks are part of the library or really what they are at all. Computers are something he knows about in a passing sort of way, but he doesn't recognize them in this form. What he sees are books, lined up on shelves, some in his own language, others in languages he doesn't know or recognize.

Running his fingers over the spines, he tilts his head, glances up as a man comes out from behind the other end of the shelf - his dark hair is cropped short, and his dark eyes look calm enough, even if there's a strange aura about him, as if his spirit is far too big for the size of his body. Onni tilts his head, looking at him from under his fur hood, mouth set in a straight line.]

Do you know much about the books here?

❄ Open

[Of course, it takes much more than one day to do the type of research he needs to do in a place like this, so he comes back for a while every day, in the afternoon while Reynir is working on the garden in the upper levels and doesn't need his help. Cross-legged on the floor of the Library, still wearing his fur hooded cloak, he leans over to peer at the papers and books on the floor in front of him.

When people enter, he generally doesn't pay them much mind, at least until they get close enough that Onni can ask for help with his research. Whether it's a blunt 'can you read this?' or asking if they'll hand him a text, he isn't above requesting someone's input.]

❄

OOC Note: If your character wouldn't approach him directly, feel free to just put them nearby and I'll have him ask them something. If you want to wildcard, go for it! If you want to plot first, hit me up on discord at coffee #6251, in game chat, on plurk at caffemisto, or by PM to this journal.

Comments

for reynir; at home

[scowlish]

[After leaving Lalli, Onni manages to make it all the way to the small apartment he shares with Reynir before he stops being able to outrun the crushing wave of grief that's threatening to wash him away. After a quick, perfunctory check of the apartment common areas to make sure Reynir isn't there, he fills a large bottle with water, and then closes himself into his room.

It isn't immediate. In fact, he sits quietly with his knees pulled up on his bed trying to talk himself out of it, trying to moderate his emotions, trying to push it all back down into the space he's hollowed out inside himself to hold it. But he keeps remembering the way Lalli's face had looked, the noise he'd made before he'd said her name, the way he'd repeated 'sorry' over and over again, as if her death had been his fault.

Tuuri.

It's like a catalyst that sets off the grief in him, too big to shelter from, overwhelming, washing away all conscious thought. All that's left is the empty space in his life that she left, the sense of helplessness; all his brain will supply him with are memories of her, of holding her when he'd been barely 6 and she was a tiny chubby baby, red-faced and already smiling; of her calling him 'piss head' whenever he crossed her as a child; of the games they used to play in the forest; of holding her on that tiny island swathed in a blanket while she trembled and cried whenever they heard gunshots or screaming.

He remembers when they'd gone to Keuruu and her cold little face pressing into his throat when she climbed into bed with him. Remembers singing her a lullaby accompanied by his kantele, remembers the day she'd told him she was too old for that kind of thing, rolling her eyes. He remembers the day she left with Lalli for the Silent World, taking his whole family away from him, remembers his anger and fear and how much he'd hated himself for not going with her. Remembers her easy way of saying she loved him, even though it was so hard for him to say it back.

And all of it is too much, he sits on his bed and pulls his knees up and buries his face into them, hugging them close against his chest, exactly as he had when he was a child, and he lets the grief wash through him. Just for a few moments, he tells himself, just enough to release some of the pressure. But it doesn't stop after a few moments, there's simply too much of it, and it isn't just a few tears before he gets control of himself, not some stoic calm-faced grief.

It's deep wracking sobs that make his throat hurt and his head ache and his eyes sting, it's choking on his grief until he can't breathe, it's messy and noisy and humiliating, his face wet and slick with tears, his nose running, his face contorting. He doesn't know how to make it stop, doesn't know how to end this because the grief never stops, his loss swallows him whole, his lack of purpose and lack of sense of self and the absolute terror that chokes his throat. The feeling is so big and so awful that he doesn't think he can bear it, he's so exhausted he doesn't want to keep living through it.

Pushing fingers into his hair, he tugs at it to distract himself, even as his body shakes with loud, messy sobs.]

[braidmage]

[ Reynir has been trying to do better to respect Onni's boundaries and give him privacy and all the stuff he'd been bad at in the past, barging into his dream place and insisting on speaking to him even when he wants to be alone, and petting him when he was an owl that one time. So he hasn't really been into Onni's bedroom in their little closed-off dwelling place, apart from when he had gone in to paint the protection runes.

But that day, Reynir is having a quiet and unexceptional morning, when he hears Onni coming back in. Nothing out of the ordinary, there. Reynir doesn't even say hello - he's rather engrossed in a book Onni had left lying around the other day. That is, until he hears it. At first, Reynir thinks it is Kisa getting into trouble, in the way that cats do. He gets up to berate her to stop eating whatever she's trying to eat that she shouldn't, or knocking things over or who knows what.

Then, it becomes clear very quickly that Kisa isn't responsible. She is sleeping just in Reynir's eyesight, curled up in a neat little circle on the floor. And the noise keeps going, louder now, so that he can tell it is coming from a person. Coming from Onni.

Reynir's stomach lurches with fear and understanding after another second. Those aren't laughs or even the sound of Onni speaking into those strange devices to someone on the other end. They're sobs. Big horrible painful ones by the sound of it, and then all thoughts about respecting Onni's privacy fly out the window. Reynir opens the door in a moment, terrified that something has happened, that they're in danger or someone had died or some crisis has occurred and they need to act.

It's so strange, and horrible, seeing Onni tucked into a tight little ball like that, pulling at his own hair and crying his heart out. ]

Onni! Gods, what happened, are you hurt?

[ He stays in the doorway, frozen, as an awful thought trickles its way down his spine. The worst thing he could think of would be if Onni were exposed, had finally encountered a troll and been infected. But he doesn't see any injuries on Onni, and he's not willing to stay back just on a what-if. So he closes the distance, hands fluttering out as if to touch Onni, sadness and concern and fear written all over Reynir's pale face. ]

[scowlish]

[It is partly because he's noticed the effort Reynir has been putting into respecting his boundaries and privacy since they arrived here and started living in the same place that Onni feels okay doing this in his own room instead of going somewhere with less chance of his privacy being invaded. The urgency of the sobs has calmed just slightly by the time he hears movement outside in the common areas of the small apartment, though the intensity hasn't, he's settled from the desperate sobbing driven by fear of how intense his pain is into something more enduring and gut-wracking, occasionally so intense he can't breathe or make sounds at all. His face is wet, his fingers still in his hair, and he's got snot and tears soaked into the knees of his pants.

When he hears footsteps approaching his door, he pushes his free hand against his mouth, bites on the fingers of it to try to keep himself quiet, and squeezes his eyes shut. Of course, of course this would be the only time over the past couple of weeks that Reynir wouldn't just respect his closed door...no, instead the younger man is yanking it open and bustling inside with his hands fluttering around nervously, asking what happened and if Onni is hurt.

Holding his breath to try to calm his breathing, Onni reaches blindly to his right and closes his fingers into his pillow, jerks it up off the bed, and flings it at Reynir. A moment later, he finds his voice and chokes out between broken sobbing breaths-]

What do you think you're doing?! Get out!

[But his head is lifted from his knees, and he realizes a moment too late that it's exposed the raw grief on his face, his twisted-up expression, the wetness on his cheeks and the red around his stinging, burning eyes and his running nose. Bringing both hands up, he covers his face, shoulders hunching, and adds, more quietly.]

Leave me alone.

[braidmage]

[ It's a good throw, and Reynir wasn't expecting it, but he gets his arms up in time to block the pillow from hitting him in the face. It drops to the ground at Reynir's feet, and he doesn't spare a glance for it. He has seen Onni like this before. Well, not exactly like this. Not in person, with tears streaking his face and that crumpled, almost childlike expression of absolute misery.

But Reynir remembers how it had been right after Tuuri died, when Lalli was missing and he went into Onni's dream space. There had been that same wild explosion of anger, chaotic, directed at whatever was nearest to him. In both cases, Reynir was that something. This time, though, Onni cannot use a spell to throw up a barrier between them. They're both here.

And he isn't leaving. ]

No.

[ There's no anger in it at all, even though Reynir has no clue what has got Onni like this. Whatever it is, it's got to be bad, and Reynir isn't going to abandon his friend in a time of need. Even if his friend throws things and screams. He doesn't come any closer, yet, but he stays with his feet planted. ]

I'm not gonna leave you by yourself.

[ Onni alone, Reynir knows, can make some really shitty and self-destructive choices. Regardless of whether Onni tells him what's happened, Reynir is not on guard duty, here to protect him from whatever - including himself.

Hearing those awful, hiched, sobbing breaths, Reynir's heart seems to break in his chest. This is so much worst than just about anything he's ever seen or felt. ]

Onni, please. I'm really scared and I'm worried about you. Talk to me. Let me help.

[scowlish]

[Onni isn't sure what he'd expected, when he throws his pillow at Reynir and demands that he leave his room. He thinks, on some level, he'd expected the younger man to do as he's asked, to back out with his hands up in surrender and leave Onni to his misery. Why he'd expected that, he doesn't know, because this is Reynir, who is stubborn and demanding and seems completely unashamed by having too many emotions. Onni can't afford emotions, shouldn't be doing this even in the privacy of his own room, even where no one can see him or hear him. It's like inviting monsters into his mind.

But Reynir just says no, his voice calm and firm, and it makes Onni's anger surge up again. He's about to shout again when Reynir continues, says he's not going to leave him by himself. Every line of his body is written in determination, resolve, stubbornness, and Onni feels a wave of exhaustion that makes the tears fall more freely, the hitch in his breath is deeper, feels like sandpaper in his throat, choking him, his ribcage spasming.]

You can't help!

[It's not a shout, his voice is too tight, pulled too thin, too close to breaking, but it's close. Onni's eyes are bright and pale and reflective with tears. Everything hurts, he's bordering on incoherent, he's exhausted and humiliated and angry and helpless and he doesn't want to be this way in front of another person.]

Talking won't help. Nothing-

[At that, his voice cracks and he pushes his head down against his knees again while he's wracked with more sobs, his shoulders hunching, his feet turning inward, trying to make himself as small as possible, as if he could hide from Reynir's compassionate green eyes and his worry by doing it. But he's completely exposed here, completely vulnerable.

It takes a long time to work those sobs out of himself, before he can finish his sentence in a wrung-out, muffled voice.]

Nothing can help.

[braidmage]

[ People have been telling Renyir what he can't do his whole life. For a long time, he'd believed them without question. He'd let people convince him he was too weak, too much of a liability, too stupid, not enough to make a difference or do what he wanted to do. But he'd stopped letting people do that, this past year. And he isn't going to just accept Onni's words when it is so clear they're coming from a place of blind despair and agony.

Onni doesn't know what he needs, right now. He is like a wounded animal, lashing out and terrified. Reynir had dealt with wounded and frightened animals, before. He knows how to handle them. And that is how he handles Onni - with a gentle, unyielding refusal to be deterred.

When Onni curls up again, sobbing like that, Reynir knows he isn't going to attack him anymore, and he makes his move. He comes over to the bed, sitting close enough to Onni that the side of his thigh is pressed up to Onni's curled feet. Without a moment's hesitation, he throws his long arms around Onni's shuddering shoulders and hugs him, tightly. He can feel the way Onni is trembling, how warm he is and the tension in his whole body.

Reynir can't stop his brain from conjuring awful possibilities. Maybe Onni is infected. Maybe Lalli had died. Maybe he found out they will never go home again. His own heart is beating quick and fear is a razor-sharp hurt buried in his chest, but he keeps it contained. Onni needs him right now. He needs somebody to give him some help, for once. Reynir doesn't want to let him down. ]

Okay. Nothing can help.

[ There is acceptance in those words; Reynir knows this might be a problem it is far beyond him to solve. He doesn't want Onni to think he's disbelieving him over how serious it is, whatever it is. He wants Onni to understand that he understands that this sadness is too big to be chased away. The whole thing might be doomed from the start. But he is going to be here with Onni, as it digs its claws in. ]

But I'm still not gonna let you face it alone.

[ And Reynir buries his face into Onni's hair, sighing, arms so tight around Onni that he's practically crushing him. Reynir may be skinny, but he's strong, and he remembers how he'd felt when he heard Tuuri was gone. He had just wanted to be held securely like this. ]

I'm not going anywhere.

[scowlish]

[Onni feels like his body is being held hostage by his crying - he can't seem to control it, can't make it stop, can't choke it down. Every part of his usual restraint and self-control is washed away by his grief, and the memory of Lalli's face when he'd seen whatever he'd seen on Onni's neck during his hallucination (he suspects, but he doesn't think he can handle putting words to his suspicions, even in his own mind right now) and his soft apologies. It hurts, to love someone so much that losing them is unbearable, that their pain hurts as much as his own. It hurts to not be able to do anything to help Lalli because he isn't sure how - he can't hug him and he isn't good with words at the best of times, but it feels impossible when he isn't completely sure what's hurting his younger cousin, not with enough nuance to find the right thing to say to alleviate it.

It isn't just the loss of Tuuri that's making him cry, it's his own inability to protect her, and now to protect and comfort Lalli. Everything about him is falling short, and the humiliation of crying in front of Reynir feels like punishment for his failures and mistakes.

Instead of commenting on it, though, on how pathetic it is to see him like this, Reynir just crosses the room and sits down with him, wraps his arms around Onni's shoulders and holds him, acknowledges that he understands nothing can help. It has been over a decade and a half since anyone has held Onni this way, since he was a child. He's held and carried his sister and Lalli since then, but never been held like this, and he doesn't know what to do with it. His whole body goes tense, he lifts a hand to press against his face, the heel of it digging into his eye, the fingers twined in his hair a little more aggressively now. The slight pain at the roots is distracting, but the wracking hitch of his breath and the tension in his chest when he sobs drowns it out, his eyes hurt.

Reynir just keeps holding him, despite his tension, despite his messy sobbing, despite his attempts to chase him away. He rests his head against Onni's hair, and says he won't let him face it alone, he's not going anywhere, and that triggers a fresh set of gut-wrenching sobs because somewhere in this place, Lalli is alone. Lalli is alone and Onni should be with him, trying to comfort him even if he's shit at it, even if he can't do any good.]

Lalli...I should...

[His voice chokes off and he's interrupted by another string of sobs, both hands coming up to press against his eyes as if he could physically stop the tears with them.]

I need to find him. He's...I don't want...

[Again, the tears choke his throat up and he can't speak, and the tension in his body from being so unused to being hugged only makes the sobs more difficult to speak through.]

...him to think I don't...love him...

[Onni's lips move but no sound comes out, just for a moment, and then he coughs and chokes a bit, scrubs his hands hard against his eyes.]

[braidmage]

[ Onni could throw him off, if he wanted to. Physically he is stronger than Reynir, and Reynir knows that in times of grief and distress, Onni has no compunctions about using that strength to toss him around a little. So even though Onni is so tense in his arms, even though he's pulling his hair and breathing in those shuddering, painful gasps, Reynir doesn't let go. If Onni wants to refuse comfort that badly, he's going to have to be truly assertive about it.

When Onni mentions Lalli's name, Reynir has a moment of sheer panic that he's died, too, like Tuuri had. He hardly breathes, fingers digging into Onni's back as he sobs. Not Lalli, too. He might not be Reynir's family, and Reynir has no delusions about Lalli liking him or anything, but the thought of Lalli hurt turns his stomach.

But then Onni is choking out something about finding him, wanting Lalli to know that he loves him. And it's hard, not to sigh in relief. Because Onni is still so upset, and the situation must be awful. But if no one is dead, no one is infected, than it is at least solvable. ]

Did you two fight?

[ He had seen what a temper Lalli could have, and it seems like the most likely explanation for this sudden explosion of sadness from Onni. In a way it makes sense. Onni had raised Lalli, right? Reynir can remember a few truly awful fights, between his mother and his oldest sister. There had been plenty of tears to go around, then, and he'd never seen his mother so heartbroken as she was that night, after everyone else had gone to bed, and Reynir had come down to check on her.

Onni held Lalli so close to his heart, and Lalli... doesn't seem like the kind of person to be careful with other people's hearts. Not even his family.

He loosens his hold, but only enough that he can run a hand up and down Onni's back, soothing him as he shakes under the weight of all that sadness. ]

[scowlish]

[When Onni is so deeply lost in his emotions, and someone startles him or pushes him too much, he lashes out. He's always been that way, even when he was a child. But this is something else. Reynir surprised him at first, frustrated him by refusing to leave him alone, but now he's just sitting with him, his arms around him, patient and stubborn and calm.

Slowly, slowly, Onni's tense resistance to being held starts to relax a bit, despite his shame over having blurted out something so raw and vulnerable and overemotional to Reynir. Slowly his body relaxes except when he's making deep hiccuping sobs, his hands still over his face, until he's leaning sideways a little, his weight shifting so he's resting against Reynir, who still has his face against his hair and is rubbing a hand up and down his back.

Onni feels exhausted, but he's not done crying yet, his body isn't done with it, he feels like it's going to keep pouring out until there's nothing left to give. His shoulders and back hurt from the tension of it, his throat is sore, his neck feels stiff and still the tears keep welling up and pouring down his face until he feels like his eyelids feel like they've been scrubbed with sandpaper. Reynir's question surprises him for a moment, until he remembers what he'd said and that the younger man has no context for it.

Exhaling, he shakes his head and takes a deep, shuddering breath, trying to keep his voice even.]

No. No, we were...he was up by the garden, and he fought a monster that had those red spores. He saw hallucinations, of me with the Rash, I think, and then he started apologizing about...

[His voice chokes off again, and he spends a few moments taking deep wracking breaths and trying to get himself under control again.]

About Tuuri. As if...as if that were his fault.

[He scrubs his hands over his face again, squeezing his eyes shut, holding his breath to try to keep himself from sobbing again.]

It's not his fault. He's...angry at me for lying to him, I don't know if he believed me when I told him.

[braidmage]

[ It is some relief, feeling Onni relaxing against him, feeling the worst of those gut-wrenching sobs subsiding. Reynir can't stand anyone around him being in pain, but it is so much worse when it is someone like Onni. Someone he cares about. Someone who, clearly, has some issues with expressing emotion. Someone who has already been through far too much.

Reynir presses his cheek into Onni's hair and listens to his explanation. This is not at all the scenario he'd imagined, and so, for once, he is quiet, doesn't interrupt even when Onni has to take a few moments to just breathe through the pain of it. It's not exactly a surprise, though, when Tuuri's name comes up. He just... hadn't thought it would be in this context.

The relationship between Onni and Lalli is a complex one, and not one he's really sure he understands. He wants to reassure Onni that he's sure Lalli knows, but does he know Lalli well enough to make that promise. Of course, Reynir sees how much Onni loves his cousin. He knows that that lie was just to protect him, that Onni has been in an agony of worry over the both of them... well basically nonstop for the last decade.

There is a lot that he cannot fix, but one detail in particular pierces his heart. ]

He... blames himself?

[ Reynir is frowning, now; not visible to Onni with his face buried against Reynir's shoulder, but it is audible in his voice as he agrees: ]

Of course it's not his fault.

[ Then, he blurts: ]

It. It's- more my fault than his. I was-

[ Reynir's throat closes up and he has to swallow. He and Onni had never really gotten a chance to talk about this. And he's only just remembered, in an awful rush, that Onni doesn't know any of the details, about how it happened. Once he does, will he hate Reynir? It's possible he ought to. It's only fair that Reynir gives him the opportunity to hate him. ]

I was sitting right next to her, when it came up through the floor. I- was so scared, I couldn't move a muscle. But if I'd. Maybe if I'd. Maybe I could've pushed her away or- stopped it, if-

[scowlish]

[It takes Onni some time to get it all out and to start getting his breathing under control. The tears are still falling freely, his head is still aching, his body is still a little tense, but he can at least breathe and string together coherent thoughts.

Reynir is quiet while Onni catches his breath, letting out a few soft shuddering exhalations, rubbing his eyes to try to dry them despite the raw ache in the sensitive skin around them, and Onni appreciates being given some quiet time to sort himself out. Regaining composure feels impossible, but he doesn't want Reynir to think he's pathetic, either. Doesn't want anyone to, really, which is an uphill battle considering how Lalli and Tuuri would tease him about his crying...the memory of Tuuri teasing him for crying when they were children triggers another gush of tears and a shuddering breath, but he manages to get it under control a little faster this time.

Then Reynir asks about Lalli blaming himself, confirms that he doesn't think it was Lalli's fault either, and Onni nods slightly, his hair brushing against Reynir's cheek, and he's about to speak again when Reynir blurts out that it was more his fault than Lalli's. For a moment, Onni goes still, listening to the younger man speak, explain that he was sitting next to her, and he can feel anticipatory anger pooling in his gut alongside the grief, thinking that maybe he'd done something truly cowardly that resulted in her death - until Reynir says that he was so scared he couldn't move, that he'd frozen up and thinks that maybe if he hadn't he would've been able to push her out of the way or stop it somehow.

For a moment, Onni pictures it intensely - the two of them in the back of the tank, huddled up wearing their masks while the battle raged outside; gunshots and the sounds of violence, the whoosh of flame from Onni's own summoning of Kokko. The creature bursting up through the floor and both of them frozen, the creature leaping at his sister, infected teeth sinking into her flesh...

He's crying again, his body nearly limp from exhaustion, chest heaving while he tries to breathe, and he pushes his hands against his eyes. It takes a while for him to be able to speak, because he can't get that image out of his mind, of his sister, his precious intelligent adventurous brave smiling sister, with a monster's teeth in her. Infected, and gone from his life forever. Taken from him, the last of his immediate family. He can't help but cry, for a while, though it's finally calming again from the wracking sobs of earlier, but more quiet shuddery things, barely more than breath. It takes some time to get himself back to the point he can speak again.]

That's not your fault.

[His voice is tight, tense, feels like it's going to snap from his grief and the strain, but he manages to keep it even enough.]

If you'd done anything like that, it would've been two dead people instead of just one.

[Some tiny part of him, a terrible part he wishes didn't exist, has a fleeting moment of trying to imagine how it would have been if it was Reynir who didn't come back and Tuuri who did, but he doesn't have the darkness in him to dwell on that or to feel anything but shame for even thinking it for a moment. Especially not with Reynir's arms around him and his cheek against his hair.

What he really wishes is that they could have all come back, healthy and whole. But they hadn't.]

[braidmage]

[ For just a moment, Reynir's expression crumples. He shakes his head, refusing Onni's words. There had to be a world where Tuuri lived. It wasn't impossible. It was such a near thing. That world ought to be the real one, not this. It should have been him, and only him. He was the idiot who had run off without any idea how dangerous the Silent World could be. He was the mage who didn't even know how to protect his friends. He wasn't Tuuri, wasn't as needed as her, wasn't as good as her.

The only thing that keeps those awful feelings from swallowing him up is his awareness of Onni beside him, and his worry over the Finn. His face is blotchy from tears and he sounds so wrecked So, with effort, Reynir pulls himself together. He puts that awful guilt and grief away, for later, and squeezes Onni tight.

Swallowing, he says, hoarse and full of conviction: ]

I wish I could bring her back to you.

[ It's foolish, to think about things that can't be. He knows that. But it's so hard, seeing Onni like this. Hard to think of Lalli, hallucinating and panicked, blaming himself. Onni had been right. Why hadn't Reynir listened? The world could be such a horrible place.

Reynir strokes Onni's hair back from his cheek. He can't do anything to fix the brokenness of the world or bring the dead back, but he can at least comfort Onni. He had never seen someone weep so intensely, and while Reynir is a little relieved it seems to be over, he can't help the worry that lingers. Onni had been carrying all that inside him? Had been hiding it, behind a mask, and Reynir hadn't known? He rubs Onni's back once more, soothing and steady, sighing into his hair.

Then, without thinking it through, without considering the possible consequences, Reynir says, voice full of concern and affection, solemn with them: ]

It's not your fault, either, you know.

[scowlish]

[It isn't just his grief over Tuuri that has him crying like this, and that knowledge is part of what keeps him from giving in to any more crying, it's what's driving him to put that mask back up. To hold it inside. It's normal and forgivable to cry over Tuuri, her death so recent, his own reaction to it having been restrained, and it's logical that Lalli's outburst could have triggered even more of that emotion, brought up those feelings.

But the truth is, there's more than just Tuuri. There's his family, his mother and father, his grandmother, his aunt and uncle, the people in his village, their home and everything he'd known. There is also, though he finds it difficult to articulate exactly, the loss of his own childhood and how that had been interrupted by becoming the impromptu caretaker for Tuuri and Lalli, how his life had become a struggle to survive and to make sure they were alright, and how that had robbed him of so many things. There are things he's never experienced now, that he probably never will, because the time that most young men spent doing those things was eaten up by making sure Lalli wasn't disappearing and Tuuri wasn't trying to disappear, all while working constantly to provide for them.

Now that Tuuri is gone, and Lalli has other people, and his family is all dead, what's left for him? It's too late to pursue any of those other things that most people want out of life. If he starts to cry about any of those things, he's never going to stop crying, and what will become of him then?

Reynir says he wishes he could bring her back to him, and he laughs softly, bitterly.]

I wish you could, too.

[His voice is rough and tight and stretched thin, he's almost worried it's going to break. Reynir's hands are too gentle as they stroke his hair away from his cheek and rub at his back, Onni finds himself wondering in a distant sort of way when the last time someone did that for him was - he can't remember, so it must have been a long time ago. Letting his eyes sink shut, Onni just sits still and breathes, his lips parted while he tries to regain his breath, at least until Reynir says that it's not his fault either.

For a moment, everything in him seems to just stop. Ears ringing, Onni struggles to pull a breath into lungs trapped in a ribcage that won't expand, his mouth slightly open, his eyes wet with tears and rimmed red, raw and painful. He hadn't expected Reynir to say something like that, hadn't expected him to say it isn't Onni's fault, because it so clearly is. Not Lalli's, not Reynir's, not that captain woman's or anyone else's. It's Onni who's responsible, not anyone else.

Finally, he manages to draw in a long, shuddering breath, and he shakes his head, hair moving against Reynir's cheek. When he speaks, it's as if he's hearing it from outside himself, distant, like someone else is speaking with his own voice.]

No. It is my fault. I've known since we were small that she wanted to go into the Silent World, that she wanted to do this. I tried to stop her and it just made her want to go more. That was my fault. I tried to trap her when I should have prepared her better.

[And now it feels like his own voice, he feels weak and pathetic because the tears are welling up again.]

I shouldn't have tried to keep her from going. I should have taught her how to survive. I should have taught her to fight. I should have known I could never keep her from doing what she wanted, I should have...

[His voice trails off, and he presses his hands against his eyes again, trying to keep himself from crying again, but it's a lost cause, he's breathing in deep sobs, just fighting to keep himself together.]

[braidmage]

Hey. Hey hey hey, no-

[ The distress in Reynir's voice is audible even over Onni's renewed sobs, and he's quick to pull Onni against him once more, holding him as tightly as his arms can manage, as if he could press Onni to his chest hard enough to mold all those broken pieces back together again. A little part of his mind is stunned, that Onni feels this way. Another part of him - the part that's coming to know Onni a little better each day, is not surprised. ]

Listen to me. Please, Onni. You have to listen, and you have to believe me. I - know I didn't know Tuuri as long and she wasn't my family, but I knew her. She would've wanted to go no matter what, and you trying to stop her didn't change that one way or another. She wasn't - doing it to spite you or because she wanted to be away from you or anything. There was just - something inside her that had to see the world.

[ Reynir remembers the warmth in how she'd spoken, saying she didn't regret her choice to leave Keuruu, even after she knew she might be infected. ]

And- and what. [ Reynir's voice is cracking, now, too, but he keeps it level as he can when he goes on: ] Whatever you'd taught her about fighting or survival, it wouldn't've stopped it. The troll was so fast One second we were just sitting there and then it was there, springing out of the floor. I don't think Lalli or Sigrun or anybody would've had time to fight it.

[ The only thing that might have helped would have been Reynir throwing himself in its path before it could reach her, but he tries not to think about that. Not right now. ]

Onni. Tuuri loved you. She was grateful to you, for looking after her. She didn't think of you as this - weight holding her back. She worried about you. About you never letting anybody help you, about you being lonely without her around, and all that.

[ Reynir strokes his hand over Onni's hair, firm and repetitive soothing motions, combing fingers through it, not even thinking about what he's doing. Again, he says: ]

It wasn't. Your. Fault.

[scowlish]

[This is intolerable, it's painfully awful for his breath to be coming in sobs again, for his eyes to be stinging again when Reynir says it isn't his fault and he has to tell the younger man why it absolutely is. It's intolerable and even moreso because he doesn't have the energy to push Reynir off him when he clings to Onni like a limpet, his long arms wrapped around Onni's shoulders and squeezing him against himself. Onni is stronger than Reynir, he knows he could push him off, he knows he could send him out of his room by standing and yelling and pushing, but he doesn't have the energy left in him. Not after crying for this long, his head aching and his eyes stinging and barely able to breathe.

So he just hunches in on himself while Reynir tells him about Tuuri, about how he couldn't have done anything to affect her desire to go outside of Keuruu, that he hadn't pushed her away, that she'd just had something in her that had to see the world, in the same way Onni has something inside him that drives him to protect those around him even when it's terrifying and difficult. Reynir's voice cracks when he explains that nothing he could have taught her would have been able to stop what happened, that the troll was so fast and that even Lalli or Sigrun wouldn't have been able to fight it.

That leaves his gut twisting up until he feels like he might throw up, he can feel the bile rising in his throat and the sobbing doesn't help. He holds his breath, and it hurts but it's better than continuing to cry as Reynir fills in the rest, that Tuuri hadn't thought of him as a burden or a weight holding her back but that she'd loved him and worried about him.

For a long time, he's quiet, holding his breath until he's light-headed, before he manages to exert enough control over his traitorous body to speak again.]

I know...I know some of what happened to her, but no one...has told me any details.

[He lifts his head, finally, his eyes bright and wet but his expression a little more firm.]

I know she died before she could turn. I spoke to her in the dream realm, before she passed on to Tuonela but...I don't know the rest.

[braidmage]

[ Reynir almost winces, to see Onni like this - he is so wrecked, eyes red and face devastated. He could hear in those sobs how exhausted Onni is, worn out from hurting so much. Reynir's heart aches and he wishes so much that this were something he could solve with a rune, with a few soft words, with a long hug. But it isn't and so he just does the only thing he can, and stays by Onni's side, keeps touching him, keeps listening to him.

When he says he doesn't know the details, Reynir can hear the request in it. He wouldn't talk about it, not to anyone else, not for any reason. But Onni deserves the truth. Reynir had denied him that, not telling him that Tuuri might be in danger when he saw him in that dream. He is atoning for that, now. ]

We - were in the vehicle. Sitting together. One of the trolls - must have slipped past everyone fighting outside. We heard so much noise and we couldn't tell who was winning or losing, but then there was a sound under our feet. Kitty was so scared, and then it - it tore up through the floor and just - lunged. We... screamed, and it bit her shoulder, and Lalli came in a second later and shot it, but.

[ Reynir swallows. It's so hard, to say all this, but Onni deserves to know. ]

After that, Mikkel put up a partition in the vehicle, and said we had to be on opposite sides of it, in case she was infected. But we still talked. She - wasn't sad. She wasn't scared. She told me she was still glad, that she had come on the expedition. She thought it was her destiny. It was... a bit more than a week, I guess. One day I- I thought I heard Tuuri on the other side of the partition, and I heard kitty hiss. I tried calling to her, but she didn't answer and so I figured she wasn't there. But. A little later... they told me she'd drowned herself. And that - there was a rash all over her neck, and her shoulder, so... so she knew what was happening and decided...

[ Reynir can't go on, after that - not even for Onni. He has to move, has to do something with his body that isn't just sitting there and feeling useless. So he stands and crosses the room, ducks into the little en-suite bathroom and wets a washcloth, brings it back, damp and cool, hands it to Onni to use for his face.

Quietly, he offers: ]

Do you want me to go find Lalli and bring him here? Or- or... what can I do? To help?

[ He hadn't been able to help Tuuri. He isn't going to let Onni down. Not if he can help it. ]

[scowlish]

[He can see how his questions affect Reynir, can tell how much it costs him to say all of this out loud to Onni. Probably, he should be more guilty about asking about this, what is probably a traumatic memory to Reynir, but he can't bring himself to. As the younger man describes what had happened, Onni watches him closely, can feel the urgency of his grief fall away as he focuses on the details. Somehow, hearing the story, knowing the truth of it, hearing how it had happened, makes it a little easier to handle.

Reynir explains how they had been in the vehicle and how the troll had come through the floor, how Kitty had been scared and they'd screamed, how she'd been bitten and Lalli had come in just a moment later to shoot it. He can understand, now, how Lalli might worry about being his fault, if he'd been there only moments too late. When Reynir explains what he'd talked to her about, her assertion that it had been her destiny to come on the expedition, that she hadn't been afraid or regretted any of it, he feels his throat tighten again, but there's also some kind of relief.

She hadn't been afraid. She hadn't regretted her choice.

As much as it hurts him to lose her, as unfair and horrible as the world is, as awful as it feels to have her taken from him, at least she hadn't been afraid and wishing she'd never come, at the end. And she'd been brave enough to know what was happening, to give herself the chance to pass on to her sleep in Tuonela as peacefully as possible.

He isn't sobbing anymore, but tears run down his cheeks slowly, welling up and spilling down his cheeks. It takes a while, but he finally manages to talk, his voice rough.]

She was so brave, and so smart.

[It's barely above a whisper, but he gets it out, and wipes at his face while Reynir gets up from the bed and goes to the bathroom, comes back with a cool wet cloth, which he hands to Onni. Onni takes it, mechanically, and lifts it to his face, closing his eyes and pressing it against his stinging, too-hot eyelids.

When Reynir asks quietly if he should find Lalli and bring him to Onni's room, asks what he can do to help, Onni shakes his head a little.]

I don't know. You helped already.

[It isn't flattery or reassurance, it's simply the stating of a fact, and he dabs at his eyes again, exhaling heavily.]

It's better, to know how it went, what she chose to do, how she felt. I'm glad she wasn't alone, that she had people like you to talk to.

[He takes another breath, holds it for a moment then releases it in a long, shuddery exhalation, folding the cloth up between his hands and then cleaning the rest of his face. Crying is messy and awful, and he wants to get as much of the evidence of doing it off his face as he can, as quickly as he can.]

I don't know, about Lalli. I don't know if he would come.

[braidmage]

[ Fetching that washcloth has a dual purpose; he thinks Onni needs something to wash his face with, but it also gives him a few seconds unobserved to blink back tears, biting hard at the inside of his cheek. Because Tuuri had been so brave and so smart - so much braver and smarter than Reynir. A part of him still feels like it should have been him, that was bitten. She deserved to live. And he thinks, but would never say out loud, that he just wishes she had said goodbye to him, before she left. That gap of time, between thinking he heard her and finding out later what she'd done, has become so awful in his memory.

But there's no room for all that right now, and so Reynir swallows it back, and by the time he is watching Onni wipe his face clean, he has himself under control again. ]

She wasn't alone. She was happy, in those last few days. She- we all loved her. And we all mourned her, when she was gone.

[ Because Onni, Reynir remembers, hadn't been there, has no way of knowing just what a blow it had struck to everyone, to lose Tuuri. He doesn't want Onni thinking that everyone treated it as an acceptable loss, as business as usual. He wants Onni to know just how much everyone on the expedition had grown attached to his bright, caring, mischievous, wonderful sister.

When Onni mentions his uncertainty about whether Lalli will come, Reynir gets to his feet. ]

I don't know, either. But I can try.

[ Reynir's not a Lalli-whisperer, the way Emil and Onni both seem to be, but at least they speak the same language, here. And Reynir thinks that if Lalli knew what a state Onni was in, he wouldn't stay away. So he reaches over and squeezes Onni's shoulder, says: ]

I'll be back soon, either with or without him, okay?

[ And he leaves, heading for the garden, remembering that was the place Onni said he'd last seen Lalli. He doesn't know how he's going to convince him, but that's something he can think about later. He has to find him, first... ]

[lallipop]

[It might take Reynir a while before he locates Lalli: he's been wandering. After the incident with Onni, Lalli has felt the need to be by himself as much as possible, so he's simply been walking throughout the base and avoiding any rooms that already have people in them. He simply can't deal with their concerned looks right now.

He ends up settling in the lounge area, huddled behind the bar.

When Reynir comes into view, Lalli levels him with the most irritated expression he can possibly muster. He was doing just fine down here by himself, and here Reynir with his stupid face and stupid hair has to come ruin it.

There's probably a reason. But it's not like Lalli has to be happy about it.]

What do you want.

[braidmage]

[ Fortunately (?) for Onni, Reynir is determined; he methodically makes his way out from the garden, moving in a spiral until he finds Lalli in the lounge, looking miserable and sour. Of course, Lalli doesn't know that Reynir knows he's just had a pretty shitty day. That he'd been made to hallucinate and that he'd freaked out and thought Onni was dying, thought about Tuuri dying and it being his fault.

Reynir knows all that, so he doesn't let that scowl discourage him one bit. He makes his way close to where Lalli is and says, simply: ]

Onni needs to talk to you.

[ Not 'wants'. Needs. Reynir doesn't try to use charm or to play on Lalli's emotions or persuade him in the half dozen ways he might have with anybody else. Lalli is Lalli and Reynir is pretty sure straightforward is the best way. ]

And I'm not leaving 'til you come back with me to him.

[ There's a look of stubborn determination on his face, feet planted, arms folded over his chest. None of this is Lalli's fault, and he hasn't done anything wrong, and maybe he has a right to want to be alone. But Reynir can't get the sound of Onni's awful, helpless sobbing out of his head. ]

[lallipop]

[Of course, Lalli also doesn't know that Reynir just spent the last however long dealing with Onni being a total wreck. So when he insists that Onni "needs" to talk to him...

Well, Lalli just bets he does. Probably stuff about how he shouldn't blame himself and it isn't his fault and he won't stop until he's convinced Lalli understands, and Lalli doesn't have the energy for it. He doesn't want to talk about his feelings anymore, he wants to curl into a ball for hours and stop feeling entirely. Why couldn't Onni be more like Tuuri sometimes and just ignore him? Maybe he wants to be ignored right now.

So all he does in response to Reynir's words is curl up tighter, pressing his closed eyes into his knees.]

Don't want to.

[braidmage]

[ Reynir lets out a short sigh; he feels a sharp pang of sadness and worry when he sees Lalli just curling up like that. He might not be sobbing like Onni was, but he's in pain, too. Reynir can tell that. But that pain isn't going to heal at all if Lalli hides here and avoids it. It's going to fester - it already has - and sometime in the future, he won't be able to avoid it any longer and it'll burst in and wreck everything, the way it did when Lalli had his hallucination or whatever.

He comes over, plopping down cross-legged very close to Lalli, showing every sign that he's going to live up to his word and not leave Lalli alone or give in. ]

He said he didn't know if you would come. He anticipated this.

[ Reynir is as stubborn as his father, but it was his mother who taught him a few things about well-intentioned guilt trips. It's not as if he wants to be here doing this any more than Lalli wants him here any more than Onni wants to be someone with emotions and needs. But they all just have to muddle through the best they can. ]

But I came anyway, because I don't think you're that selfish. That you would think only about what you want and don't want and not about what he needs.

[ Reynir knows it isn't that simple, of course. But in some ways he wonders if Lalli still thinks about Onni the way teenagers think about their parents; old enough to want and to fight for independence, but not yet seeing their caretakers are whole human beings, with needs and flaws, who can be hurt. ]

Onni's your family, and he's in pain right now. I don't- I'm not sure I've ever seen him so sad before. I did everything I could to comfort him, but I'm just - me. You're the only one he's got left in the world.

[ Maybe he's overstepping. Maybe he's making it all worse. But Reynir can't just stand by on the sidelines. He's trying to cut this Gordian knot and if he has to do it with more honesty than Onni would prefer, too bad. ]

He said he's scared you'll think he doesn't love you.

[lallipop]

[Lalli says nothing for most of Reynir's little speech. He barely even gives any sign that he's listening.

But he is.

The longer that Reynir goes on the tighter Lalli squeezes his knees against his eyes, like that will make the stinging sensation behind them go away. Part of him wants to scream that it isn't fair, it isn't fair that Reynir wants him to grieve on Onni's terms rather than his own, that he has to make any effort right now when he wishes he wasn't feeling anything at all. He hates that he can't just hunker in a corner and cry like he did when he was a child, before everything went to hell.

He's scared you'll think he doesn't love you. It's then that Lalli finally looks up to lock eyes with Reynir, whip-fast, already numb to the furious tears tracking down his cheeks. How dare he interfere with this. Because no, now that Lalli knows that Onni needs him, he can't possibly stay away.

Just as fast, Lalli surges to his feet and scrubs his arm over his eyes at the same time that he shoves past Reynir probably more roughly than is necessary, but it serves him right. He knows the way back to where Onni's staying without Reynir having to lead him. He'll do this himself.]

[braidmage]

[ It feels like a stone has been dropped into his stomach, when Lalli looks up at him and Reynir sees he's crying. Had he been crying before? Or is that because of Reynir's words?

Maybe he had been a bit harsh. Of course, he is only telling the truth, about the state of Onni and what he'd said. But perhaps that guilt-tripping bit about Lalli not being selfish was a bit much. Reynir feels an awful twist of guilt and decides he will apologize later. Not that Lalli is likely to allow him, or to care. But he will. Because he didn't want helping Onni to come at the expense of hurting Lalli, and he's sure Onni wouldn't want that, either.

If only the two of them would just... talk to one another, without him running between them. If only they would cry together, rather than apart, each of them so ferociously guarding their solitude just at the moment when they needed other people the most.

He doesn't do anything to stop Lalli from shoving him, stumbling into a nearby wall and just righting himself without a word, following in Lalli's wake. He is tempted to just let Lalli go, for a moment. But he isn't completely sure Lalli is headed for Onni, and besides. He had promised he would be back, with or without Lalli. He isn't going to break that promise.

So he trails along, lagging behind but following, miserably hoping that he has helped to make things better, not worse. ]

[lallipop]

[Lalli is aware that Reynir is following, of course. He just refuses to acknowledge. Reynir has done plenty of intruding for the entirety of the night--for the entirety of the time Lalli has known him--what's a little more?

At least he does head straight for the apartment. He also thankfully does not get lost and have to have Reynir lead the way for him, which would just be the capper on his awful mood.

He's in a storm for most of the way, but when he finally gets to the door, he falters, all of the fury leaving him. He isn't ready for whatever state Onni is in, whatever will be waiting inside.

Lalli doesn't stop to wonder whether Onni will even be able to hear the soft scratching at the door. He always does.]