[open] i'm high, broke, searching for symbols

[substances]

Who: Klaus Hargreeves; OTA
What: just a catch-all for some threads that don't fit in the intro log and an open prompt (might add more later)
When: month of July
Where: various
Warnings: definitely drug use or thoughts of drug use; anything else tba in the subject lines



👻 aspiring horticulturist

It had taken Klaus approximately four days to completely run out of the weed he'd had in his pocket when he came from Hadriel. But since he's not really the type to run rescue missions and doesn't have the technical know-how to fix computers, he's mostly been wandering around the city trying to figure out what he actually can do. Trying to keep his mind occupied now that he doesn't have pot to turn to, trying to keep his mind off the painkillers in his bag back in his room.

When he makes his way to the upper levels, he lifts the bottom of his shirt to hold it over his mouth and nose, because the air up here is awful, and he pokes around a little bit, determined to check out what's going on and get the hell out of here. At least, until he finds the horticultural area. There's a computer there, the screen cracked and flickering, but it seems to be at least a little bit functional. Klaus doesn't know computers, but he's been using a phone since he arrived in Hadriel and that's like a month and a half of experience, so he heads over to the terminal, tapping at buttons under the screen until he figures out which one scrolls through the files of what kind of plants are stored here.

When he hears a sound behind him, he turns halfway to the side, glancing over his shoulder.

"Oh hey, do you know anything about computers?"

Comments

[deadlycurves]

[It's a long moment before Ben manages to pull himself back together, Diego watches it as it happens and it's the most bizarre thing to see someone do. He wonders if he looks like that when he's tripped over something and has to pull himself back. It feels more seamless than that, but maybe not... With Ben at least a little more at ease now, Diego relaxes, leans against the nearest surface, but stays close enough that when he drops his hand from his brother's shoulder, it leaves him room to lean against him, still. He doesn't mind it so much, if he's honest. The mention of Luther only makes him front a little and he nods a bit.] Yeah... [He'll leave it at that. He misses his other siblings, stuck back in Nonah, probably fretting, wondering if the Porter is adding some new power to him again so soon, or if he, like Vanya, was sent back. He hates the idea of them all worrying, when he's right here, fine as anyone might be able to manage to be all things considered.] It's not all its cracked up to be. [He admits with a small, weak smile. "Better than being dead." a voice in his head bites. He pushes the thought away and ignores it. Ben will know he doesn't mean it like that.]

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben considers for a few moments. Obviously, Diego is wrong. Life is everything, and if anyone is in a position to know that it's Ben. What is more interesting to him is why Diego would say that. From what Ben had seen, he isn't usually a chipper optimist, or a carpe diem hedonist. But he'd never really struck Ben as someone who would call life, and his life in particular, not all it is cracked up to be.

There must be something on his mind, weighing on him. Keeping him up nights.

Looking up at his brother, grave and forthright in that particular way of his, he simply asks: ]

Why would you say that?

[deadlycurves]

Well, it's not like-- I mean, I'm not... [He huffs a soft sigh. It's too sensitive a topic, really, to just outright say 'I'm not suicidal or anything'. In general. And because he's talking to his formerly-dead brother. And because their other brother definitely has had those tendencies in the past (still has? Diego isn't completely sure, is too scared to really consider or think about it very much in very big detail, if he's honest with himself). He shrugs and settles on: ] I don't know... it's just really mundane sometimes? And... [He hesitates, trying to put what he's feeling into words, but it doesn't come to him. He doesn't know how to explain it. He sighs again, a little more defeated this time.] I don't know.

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben thinks he knows the subject Diego is skirting around; their brother Klaus, and his self-destructiveness and occasional desire to not be alive. Ben is glad not to delve into that; he has seen more near-misses and low low days than Diego can probably imagine.

There is some comfort, though, in knowing Diego doesn't think of himself like that. His recklessness - fighting crime at night, throwing himself into danger - could conceivably come from a similar mentality. But if it doesn't... well, that is good. ]

Uh-uh. [ It's only a moment before Ben is shaking his head, denying Diego's words. He doesn't believe it for a moment. ] I don't buy that. Seriously, Diego. How humdrum is your life, lately?

[ Ben holds out a hand, ticking off fingers for each item on a list: ] Dad dies. Five shows up again after all these years. Psychos attack the house and kidnap Klaus. They kill your ex. We all find out the world is gonna end. It turns out Vanya had powers all this time. Pogo and Mom are gone, and we totally blow it and don't stop the apocalypse. Then you get teleported to spooky parallel dimension North Carolina, and then teleported to spooky parallel wherever the hell we are now. I'm struggling to find the mundane in there. I think-

[ He hesitates a moment. This is the sort of pushback that he would give Klaus, if he thought he was talking bullshit, avoiding an issue, etc. But Diego is not Klaus. They're different people who respond in different ways. Ben's not sure it's the right choice. He just can't think of any better ones.

Ben gives a small shrug, looking over to his brother, face full of determination and concern in equal measure. ]

I think maybe... the thing that's got you not sleeping at night... is that life been the opposite of mundane lately. Right?

[deadlycurves]

[It's not like Diego was unaware of the tumultuous, insane mess his life has been for the last couple months. But there is knowing something, or a lot of somethings, an entire life-story-chapter's worth of things... And then there is hearing it all itemized and listed out, like a goddamn itinerary. Every single point Ben makes is like another twist of a knife between his ribs. One thing after another after another, over and over and over, in a never-ending cascade of things that just keep happening. Hargreeves never really have been the sorts that catch breaks often, have they? He sits quietly as Ben makes his way through his list. Tongue pressed against the inside of his cheek. He hates that he's right. He hates more that they both know he's right. He tenses the most obviously and visibly at the mention of Patch, and Mom. The silence draws for several long minutes when Ben is done. Diego can see his brother giving him that pointed look from the edges of his vision, but his own eyes are focused on his hands in his lap. He doesn't know what to say, or how to say it at all, but Ben's right. It's not one little thing, or even just a couple of things. It's so much and it's all at once and it's a never-ending pile on. Who could sleep with that much on their minds? But there is one thing in that giant list of his that sticks out more than the rest. Is more immediate and in his face than all of the rest of it. He licks his lips and bites the lower one for a moment before finally, quietly, admitting: ] She's here, Ben... Patch is here and I don't know how to look at her and not see her, dead on that motel room floor. [Finally, he looks up.] I talked to her... but not like... really talk, just... bullshit. And she was following one of the weird ghost things? Trying to find something out from her, I just followed her but... [He pauses as something occurs to him, shaking his head a little.] God, I'm sorry, Ben, I shouldn't... [He presses his palms against eyes. Was it even fair to push this conversation on Ben? When he was newly-alive again, too.]

[benhargreeves]

[ He doesn't take any joy in it, seeing the pain in the hunch of his brother's shoulders, how tired and tense he looks. But all of that had happened. It is weighing on Diego, even if they don't name it all. And Ben believes there is value in laying it all out, individually. It is like Diego has been punched over and over, in exactly the same place, so it seems to a casual observer that there is only one bruise. But it is twelve bruises, all on top of one another, bleeding into one another. Not one injury, but many, stacked up, relentlessly.

And finally, Diego starts talking about something real. It's progress, as he admits to how he can't bear to be around Patch now, and that his attempts to connect with her have been difficult. But then he's stopping himself, censoring and backpedaling. ]

- Diego.

[ Ben had always been careful not to interrupt Diego, back when he was still alive. He doesn't intend to make it a habit now, either, but he does it this once, purposefully. ]

Trust me. You should.

[ He puts all the conviction he can into it. He won't let Diego use his supposed fragility as an excuse. Ben waits to meet his brother's eyes, and there is no distress, no anxiety or worry in his expression stirred up by talking about death.

And there is precedent for this, too. That sometimes, the best thing Ben could offer to Diego was his calm. His ability to absorb all that chaos and not get worked up, himself. Quietly, Ben encourages: ]

Talk to me.

[deadlycurves]

[Everything feels like so much, suddenly. An overwhelming crash of waves threatening to sink him if he would just let it. Except Diego Hargreeves has never been the type to simply give up, give in, let someone else call his shots. And he wasn't about to start allowing something as intangible as his own fucking emotions to do it, either. But Ben insists that he should. Keep talking. Talk to him. And there's something so wildly, and distantly, familiar about it. This is exactly the sort of thing he did with Diego years ago. Something that Diego hadn't realized, until now, that he'd missed. Ben had always been someone he could just talk to, no fear of judgement or mockery, no matter what he wanted to talk about or how long it took him to get through the words to get there. Another long silence draws between them for a moment as he tries to sort it out in his head. Which parts of all of this he really needed to get out of his head. When he finally speaks again, his words are quiet, not much more than a whisper.] She listened to me... the one time she finally listened to me, and she got killed. [He can't put the rest of it in words, but the implication hangs heavy in the air between them: He feels guilty about it; like it's his fault. If he hadn't pressed, if he hadn't goaded her, if he just let her cling to her rulebook and quit fucking with her about it, maybe she would still be alive. But maybe Klaus wouldn't be. And that wasn't any better.]

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben isn't sure at first whether or not Diego will open up. It has been a long time, after all. A long time, and Diego has changed, and he might not be interested in confiding in Ben again. Or even if he is, he might not be ready to talk all this out just yet. It's all so raw - even for Diego, who had had a little more buffer time than Ben himself.

Still, he waits, without impatience. When Diego does speak, Ben can infer all the emotion underneath. Everything Diego is trying to be tough and not to show. His ears pick up on all those implications - the guilt coating every inch of the grief until the two were so intermingled it was impossible to separate them. Without harshness, Ben asks, simply: ]

What did you tell her?

[ Ben isn't the sort to blindly reassure Diego that what had happened to Patch had not been his fault. He loves Diego. He has no doubt whatsoever that Diego had not wanted any harm to come to Patch, and that he had loved her. But that doesn't mean Diego hadn't been a catalyst. So he doesn't insult Diego by leaping in with hollow comfort and baseless absolution. That's not the sort of help that Ben offers.

Then, because he realizes Diego might not know, he adds: ]

I was there at the motel, with Klaus. I don't... know if he's talked to you about it at all, but if you've got any questions... I was there, so.

[ He sets the offer down, letting Diego take him up on it or ignore it, as he likes. ]

[deadlycurves]

I told her to try it my way, for once. [A hollow, sad echo of a smile pulls at one corner of his mouth and he shakes his head.] I was always trying to get her to throw the rulebook out. She never did. She never did, until that night and... [He trails off, staring down at his fingers in his lap, twisting them together idly. He hates this. He hates feeling this open and raw. He's quiet for a long moment, not sure where to start on the rest of that. So, he finally just settles on: ] How bad was it?

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben takes his time, considers. He's a little sad that he hadn't gotten to really be a part of Diego's life back then. To tease him about trying to lead a good cop astray. To maybe matchmake and meddle a little, in a benevolent brotherly way.

Instead he had gotten to be a part of this bit. The ending. Ben thinks through as much of it as he knows, what he'd seen, what he'd pieced together from other conversations since. Then, thoughtfully: ]

I'm not sure she did, though.

[ Ben looks over to Diego. The words have weight, because Ben wouldn't lie, if he thought Diego had contributed. He would not try to be cruel about it, but he would see it as the loving thing to do to be honest and hold Diego accountable as much as he needed to be. ]

I don't know a lot about the rulebook, but it wasn't like she was being reckless. Maybe that was what got her to the motel in the first place, but that just as easily could have happened by chance. I don't think things would've turned out any differently if she'd been there with a partner, on official business hours, or any of that. She was just - nearby, and Klaus got her attention, and she's a cop, right? Cops are trained to intervene, if they're walking by and hear someone's being held captive and tortured and stuff. That's her job. That's her doing it her way.

[ It's hard, to know where to start answering Diego's question. Ben had made the offer, and he meant it, but that doesn't make this easy. Ben pulls his knees in against his chest, and lays his cheek against his arm, turning away from Diego slightly. ]

Which part?

[ There is just the barest hint of bitterness in that question. Not directed at Diego - not exclusively anyway. It's just unfair. How many horrible things had happened all at once. The fact that Ben has to ask which awful thing Diego is referring to... well, what does that say about the kind of day it had been.

Ben closes his eyes. All at once he feels so tired. ]

All of it was very, very bad.

[ But that isn't enough of a warning, and he knows it. So he adds, gravely: ]

I can tell you more, but you should be sure you want to hear it, first.

[deadlycurves]

[He frowns a little, listening to Ben explain his view of the situation. He isn't wrong, really. She is trained to respond. To act when she can, in the best interest of an innocent person. She would have done it, if she'd been there and found Klaus, whether he'd said anything at all. Doesn't dissolve the guilt he feels for it, though, because there is that factor in the mix still, too. She might have waited if he just hadn't...

He lets out a slow, shaky breath.] Yeah... I guess. Maybe.

[He frowns a little at the question, and notices that shift in Ben and his demeanor. He wonders how much awful Ben has witnessed, just for the sake of being stuck to Klaus for the last nearly two decades, and the kind of circles he ran in, people he was around, god-knows-what kind of trouble he really got into.

But this isn't about all those things, it's smaller, specific and Diego hesitates before he answers.]

What did they do to him? ...How close were we, really, to losing another brother?

[benhargreeves]

[ 'Maybe' is a start, at least. Ben knows that Diego does this - he takes it all on his shoulders, makes burdens for himself out of things that others would see as not their problem. Diego couldn't let people get hurt by robbers and murderers; he saw that as his responsibility, his job, to make it right. So it's not a big surprise he is acting this way about Patch's death, too. And Ben is comfortable now that he has said his bit. The rest is really between Patch and Diego. It isn't his place to intrude.

Diego doesn't say that he is sure he wants to know more, but Ben takes his further questions as a 'yes'. He sighs, silent for several moments as he considers where to begin. How to put any of it in words that will actually convey some part of the reality of it. ]

Too close.

[ That, at least, is objective and irrefutable. Without Patch, Ben is fairly certain Klaus would have died. After everything else he'd survived... that would have been it. Ben keeps his eyes closed; it's easier to talk that way. There's no risk of catching a glimpse of Diego's expression. The words come slowly, with long pauses between each sentence. ]

They beat him. Waterboarded him. Choked him. Cut him. Beat him more. Left him alone in the dark.

[ Ben's mind drifts to the one tactic that had worked. The drugs. He remembers Klaus breaking, telling them what he knew. The way he'd cried, humiliated at his own weakness. It had been so ugly, all of it. Ben isn't going to tell Diego that part. Talking about the rest, he's sure Klaus wouldn't mind. But mentioning that would be betraying his trust. Ben isn't going to do that. ]

You get the idea. He just kept laughing in their faces and not telling them shit, so they got creative, but it didn't do any good. Klaus is a lot stronger than you all give him credit for.

[ And yes, he is lumping Diego in with Luther and Allison and Vanya and Five and Pogo and the rest of them, all of them underestimating Klaus, when Ben is pretty sure none of the rest of them would have held up under torture half as well. Except Five, maybe.

He opens his eyes finally, looking over at Diego through the dim light, his dark eyes shuttered and unreadable. ]

[deadlycurves]

["Too close." For all that he really kind of expected an answer like that, he still feels something in his chest sink at the confirmation of it. The descriptions Ben gives don't make it any better. Reginald had ensured they could stand whatever they may come up against, really. His experiments and trainings were brutal in their own ways, and maybe because of that, it shouldn't be surprising that Klaus could survive that kind of viciousness. But he is. Surprised. And nearly instantly feels a bitterness at his own thought of it all together because it only proves Ben's point even further. How did they get here? So full of doubt in each other, from where they used to be, pieces of a well-oiled machine working perfectly in tandem together. He isn't sure, but he's certain he hates it.] Jesus... [For a moment, it's the only, quiet mumbled thing he can manage at all. There are a thousand knee-jerk responses to that remark, that all of you and generalized grouping commentary. Things about how Klaus stopped showing them anything but weakness years ago, but he bites his tongue. Hard enough he can taste the blood in his mouth. He's spent two months trying to figure out how to be a better brother. He hasn't exactly made much progress or actually figured any of it out yet, but... he knows letting his mouth run itself without at least trying to curb the acerbic things that fly from it without thought is not the way to do it.] How many times were you stuck in situations like that with him through the years, Ben? [A frozen witness to all the varying levels of awful things that a life like the one Klaus has led might hold. Diego's not sure he wants the answer to that question, not really, and there's enough caution coating it, it might be obvious enough.]

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben gets it; he can see that comment pissed Diego off. Knows, or suspects, a lot of that anger is probably misdirected helplessness that such awful things had been done to their brother and neither of them had stopped it. But he doesn't snap out a cutting retort, and that surprises Ben. Diego, tamping down on his temper? That's definitely new.

He doesn't bring it up, or react, apart from a quick glance. It's promising, this tiny, silent moment. Proof that maybe his brother is growing and changing, a little. Something that might have made Ben a little melancholy, if he had still been dead and incapable of either. But if Diego is maturing by centimeters, now, Ben is a little bit a part of that.

Ben thinks he gets what Diego is asking. Not how many awful situations has Klaus been in, since they were 16. They both know there have been many. Diego doesn't need Ben to tell him that. He's asking instead about Ben's experience, all those years. What it's been like for him. ]

I was never stuck with Klaus.

[ Diego doesn't get it, but Ben at least acknowledges there's a reason for that. He hasn't given him the opportunity to get it. If he wants his brother to understand, he's going to have to explain what it has been like for him, all this time. ]

Sometimes I would go to the Academy or the place I died. Wander around the attic and think about the past. All the typical ghost stuff. I chose to stay with Klaus most of the time.

[ This isn't working, and Ben sighs in a short way, frustrated at his own lack of eloquence. A little more brusquely, as if irritated - though not at Diego - he says: ]

Close your eyes. Imagine anything you try to touch, your hand just slips through it. Like when you reach for something without looking and miss it. That weird shock of not making contact when you should, except every solid thing in the world feels like that. And- and think about how it is, in a room full of people, when you try to say something, a couple of times even, but no one hears you. They didn't even know you tried to jump in. Except it's like that even when no one's talking at all.

[ Ben rubs at the back of his neck. Words are useless. This isn't conveying it at all. The slow march of time, everything changing around him, and him stuck, in between, useless, trapped, ineffective, pointless, miserable. ]

I didn't sleep. Or eat. Or feel hot or cold or nauseous or horny or sore or comfortable or anything. For fourteen years. And I couldn't- reach the rest of you. I could never save him, if someone hurt him, or he overdosed, or he couldn't get a jar open - not even something stupid like that. The only difference I could make, to the whole world, was to be there for him. To stay by his side and talk to him and hope it- hope it helped, a little.

[deadlycurves]

Oh... [A small frown creases across his features at that comment. He'd never really... understood how it worked. But it seemed, from what he could glean about Klaus and his powers, that ghosts gravitated toward him, followed him. He didn't know much more than that, and it was an easy assumption to go with, that they were stuck with him, since he essentially had one foot in each realm of the living and the dead. But knowing it wasn't that way. That Ben could move regardless of Klaus... it's different. And weird. Something he hadn't ever really considered at all. Not that he'd had any reason to consider it. Nothing about Ben as a ghost had ever truly concerned him-- he couldn't see him, couldn't hear him... Diego would be lying if he said that he'd never been jealous of Klaus for that power because he got to keep the people he lost. But as Ben continues, he gets a curious look from his brother, head tilted, eyes squinted for a brief moment before he gives into the instructions and closes his eyes. He imagines as he listens, gives a legitimate try at putting himself in his brother's shoes, multiply that by fourteen years of it-- and he knows it still isn't completely accurate, nothing could be, really, except to experience it himself, but the little exercise still makes his chest tight, his heart sink. How many times had he tried to give his input in that week back home, only to be blown off and ignored, because even if Klaus tried to tell them his input, they all shrugged it off. Why hadn't they believed him? He can't even pinpoint a reason, really. More of the same, lousy treatment they kept handing out to Klaus, apparently. Finally, he opens his eyes again and levels Ben with a look that's part concern and part understanding-- and all soft, gentle, in the crease across his forehead and around his eyes.] I never really knew anything about... how it worked, I guess... [There's a pause before he adds-- ] It shouldn't have...all fallen on you, the way it did, but... I'm glad that you were. There for him. [His voice drops quieter, as his gaze sinks down to his fingers.] At least somebody was.

[benhargreeves]

How could you have known?

[ Well... he could have believed Klaus and talked to him about it, but Ben's already told Diego his opinion on that and how he should apologize and he's not going to bring it up again for cheap points and satisfaction. But Ben doesn't want to dwell on the past. He wants to move forward. ]

What I'm saying is... he was there for me, too. As much as he could be. So- just keep that in mind.

[ Klaus has messed up a lot of things in his life. But Ben wants Diego to give him credit, for all the times Klaus has made him laugh over the years, talked to him even when it made people stare, held books open so Ben could read them, and a hundred other tiny things that had made his in-between spectral state at least bearable. ]

And now we can both be there for him. [ He doesn't know how he knows it is time to head back to bed - and hopefully for Diego to get some sleep too. It is just an intuition; a gut instinct like the one that told him Diego needed to talk in the first place.

Ben gets to his feet, straightening out his pajamas and bumping his arm against Diego's shoulder in a friendly, brotherly sort of way. This won't be the last of these talks they will have, he's sure. But he is feeling... better. He had missed this. ]

And each other.

end~

[deadlycurves]

Yeah... [He mumbles with a quiet nod, glancing up when Ben knocks his arm against his shoulder. His lips turn up in a small, not-quite smile as he watches his brother get back to his feet. Diego nods a little.] We can at least try.

[That's been a theme of his last two months. Just try. Try to do better. Be better. Figure out how a family is actually supposed to be. Or how it might work within their already screwed up dynamics with each other. But trying is a kind of kick he's been on already, he'll just continue it here. Ben's right-- they should be there for each other, all the way around.]end