[open] i'm high, broke, searching for symbols

[substances]

Who: Klaus Hargreeves; OTA
What: just a catch-all for some threads that don't fit in the intro log and an open prompt (might add more later)
When: month of July
Where: various
Warnings: definitely drug use or thoughts of drug use; anything else tba in the subject lines



👻 aspiring horticulturist

It had taken Klaus approximately four days to completely run out of the weed he'd had in his pocket when he came from Hadriel. But since he's not really the type to run rescue missions and doesn't have the technical know-how to fix computers, he's mostly been wandering around the city trying to figure out what he actually can do. Trying to keep his mind occupied now that he doesn't have pot to turn to, trying to keep his mind off the painkillers in his bag back in his room.

When he makes his way to the upper levels, he lifts the bottom of his shirt to hold it over his mouth and nose, because the air up here is awful, and he pokes around a little bit, determined to check out what's going on and get the hell out of here. At least, until he finds the horticultural area. There's a computer there, the screen cracked and flickering, but it seems to be at least a little bit functional. Klaus doesn't know computers, but he's been using a phone since he arrived in Hadriel and that's like a month and a half of experience, so he heads over to the terminal, tapping at buttons under the screen until he figures out which one scrolls through the files of what kind of plants are stored here.

When he hears a sound behind him, he turns halfway to the side, glancing over his shoulder.

"Oh hey, do you know anything about computers?"

Comments

👻 for julie: and whole days turn into holes in my mind

[substances]

Part of him feels like he's going stir-crazy, there's too much going on in his head and not enough at the same time, and the ghosts here are so fucked up he can't ignore them as well. Especially not after getting used to the Hosts that he'd seen in Hadriel. Awful, but somehow a little less horrifying since they weren't really human. Most of the ghosts here are human, but they're shattered and glitchy and wrong. And somehow they still know his name.

When he wakes up from another nightmare to the sound of his own voice whimpering, sits up with a yelp and then slaps his hand over his face, goes still as he hears Ben or Diego shift in their beds, holding his breath, he knows he has to do something. It's dark and he's alone and he's fucking up his brothers' sleep and he doesn't think either of them would be happy to have him in their bed right now. So he slides out of his bunk and slips on his sandals, heads out the door and down the hallway.

Shirtless, in just a pair of pink knee-length sweatpants and his sandals, he knocks on Julie's door, then leans against the wall, eyes half-closed, running his hand back through his hair.

[redwinekindofgirl]

She's getting used to being on her own again. This place is quieter than Hadriel was, and the room she has is smaller, feeling all the emptier for it. Julie is awake and doodling something on a piece of scrap paper when the knock falls on the door, and she answers it with no small measure of suspicion (she feels she has the right to be suspicious, somewhere like this).

But it's just Klaus. It's just Klaus, and he doesn't look... great.

"Hey," Julie says, frowning in slight concern and immediately reaching out to grasp his wrist. "You look like shit. What's wrong?"

[substances]

Of course she has reason to be suspicious, but Klaus isn't in a great state of mind to think of something like that and announce himself. He's going to see Julie, and it's such a familiar thing that he doesn't even really consider how knocking on her door in the middle of the night might be just a little bit unnerving.

When she answers the door, looks up at him and frowns, reaches for his hand and takes his wrist, asks him what's wrong, and he laughs breathlessly.

"Oh my god, so much. Can I come in?"

[redwinekindofgirl]

Who else would it be knocking on her door in the middle of the night? She doesn't know too many people here, so barring someone being lost it would only ever be Klaus. When he asks to come in her face softens, and she gives his arm a soft tug.

"Yeah, come on, get in here."

She shuts the door once he's through it, and gets him a glass of water without the question being asked. Some things, you just know to do in a situation like this.

"Okay. Talk to me."

[substances]

Klaus follows Julie into her room and watches as she shuts the door behind them. As she gets a glass of water, he looks around to see if there are any ghosts in her room - there aren't, at least not right now, and the relief is almost dizzying.

When she hands him the glass, he takes a couple sips, and nods, sits down on the edge of her bed, and rubs a hand over her face.

"The ghosts here are really fucking with my head. And my brother Diego came from some other world before this where I was a dick, and he was mad at me, and I don't think he thinks it counts that I was sober in Hadriel because I didn't have the option to be. And when I went to the MedBay for my shoulder the bots there gave me a bunch of painkillers I definitely shouldn't have and they're still in my bag, and I don't know what to do."

It's rambled out at a relatively high speed, and then he pauses, gulps a mouthful of water, and swallows, eyes on her.

[killedwithlove]

Cole can help, some of the time, but he's not very technologically minded (at all) and given that he doesn't eat or sleep, he tends to wander a lot.

He's in the area when he realises Klaus is about and he drifts over, humming at the question. "Yes. They run on electricity, which is like lightning. And they go wrong a lot!"

Cole is clearly very proud for knowing something about computers.

[redwinekindofgirl]

"Uh... wow."

That... is a lot, and no wonder he's wandering around like a lost soul in the middle of the night. She's glad, somehow, that he decided to some to her. It's warming to know that of all people he could have approached about any of this, he chose her. But then, why her, and not his family? She and Ben might not have got off to the best start, but she's quite sure that he does care about Klaus.

"Okay, first thing, it definitely counts that you were sober. Tell Diego he's a dick," she tells him, sliding her hand over his and linking their fingers together. "Second thing... the painkillers."

Yeah, the painkillers could be a fucking problem.

"... Think you could leave them with me?"

🐙 | how to human

[benhargreeves]

[ By Ben's count, it's been just over 20 hours since he had arrived in this place, alive and with no idea how any of it was possible. A lot has happened in that time. He'd reunited with Klaus, gotten Klaus medical attention, reunited with Diego, found all of them a place to live, gotten everyone settled, and spent the rest of the day gathering information, learning as much as he can. He never drifted too far from either of his brothers, concerned in particular about Klaus, injured as he is.

He's gotten even more of the essential research done in the last few hours after Diego and Klaus had both gone to sleep. It's slow going, figuring out how to work the communication and information device he'd been given, but Ben is teaching himself through trial and error. Except more and more he is feeling... bad.

It's been a long time, since Ben Hargreeves had a body. He's gotten into the habit of not needing anything at all, and not feeling anything at all. All the input that he ought to easily be able to parse and identify - what is hunger, what is thirst, what is sleepiness, what is a headache, what is needing to pee, what is feeling sore and needing to readjust his posture - it's all tangled up and indecipherable to his brain right now. So he does what he's used to doing. In other words, none of it. All he's aware of is an increasing feeling of wretchedness. That this is a bad situation they're in, everything is terrible, that they will only get worse, and things will go on like this forever and ever.

He looks up from the frustrating device when he hears Klaus entering the room, concerned that he is awake. Had he slept poorly? Is he in pain? ]

Hey, Klaus.

[ Ben's voice comes out a little scratchy, strained. He is, to Klaus's view, sitting in the exact same place he had been six hours before, without any sign of having gone to bed, or moved whatsoever. ]

[substances]

The truth is, Julie is one of the few people he doesn't ever feel ashamed of himself around. No matter how much his brothers love him - and he knows they love him a lot, even if they only rarely say it - there's a lot of history there, and they jump to disapproval, to thinking the worst of him very quickly. He can't blame them, because they've seen the worst of him for a really long time, especially Ben. He's disappointed them a lot. But it doesn't make it any easier to talk to them about the more messed up parts of himself. And he knows Drake doesn't disapprove, isn't judging, isn't going to be ashamed of him, but Drake is also so good that it's almost painful for Klaus to admit how fucked up he is.

Julie though, she's never disapproved of him, and he knows she's just as fucked up as he is. She's easy to talk to, he isn't scared she's going to think less of him.

"Diego is a dick. He always has been." Klaus says, but he says it with a little smile. He doesn't really mean it seriously, which becomes obvious when he continues, "But he's given me more chances than any of the rest of them, except Ben. You know? Probably why I don't want to disappoint him."

A little shrug, and when she asks about the painkillers, he glances up at her, eyes on her face. The first instinct is a resounding no. He doesn't want to hand them over. They're his. He wants them. God, everything in him wants to just go home and pop about three or four maybe, or play his favourite game of 'tip the bottle and however many come out is how many I take' just like old times.

He drops his gaze to his knees, and then takes another sip of the water.

"I don't want to." he admits, but it's not defiant. Just honest.

[substances]

[Klaus had slept for at least 10 hours in the MedBay after his conversation with Diego, and then gone out to wander a bit and play on his phone. Exhausted as he is, it hadn't taken him long to get tired out again, and once Ben had shown him the room and he'd gotten everything into it, he'd napped for a few hours, then gone back out just long enough to scavenge something to eat before falling back to sleep.

He has no idea how long he's been asleep when a nightmare wakes him up in a cold sweat and gasping for breath, his hair stuck to his forehead and heart pounding. Sliding out of bed, he winces and stumbles his way into the main room in search of a glass of water. Except when he comes out, he sees Ben at the desk, in exactly the same spot he'd been when Klaus went to sleep.]

Hey Ben.

[His voice is scratchy, and he pours a glass of water, makes his way over and picks up his phone from the desk to check the time. Six hours. He'd been asleep six hours, and Ben is still...sitting there in the same position hunched over the same books and device.]

Did you eat dinner already?

[He pitches it casually, takes a gulp of water, and then holds the cup out to his brother, one brow raised quizzically.]

Or drink any water?

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben takes the cup from Klaus, but the gesture is an automatic one. Because now that Klaus is here, asking those questions in a voice still half-mumbly with sleep, Ben realizes that, no. He hasn't done any of those things. He hadn't even decided not to do those things.

He looks up from the glass to Klaus, admits, in a voice that comes out smaller than he meant it to: ]

...I forgot.

[ He hadn't forgotten that he was alive again, but it's been so long that he's out of the habit of taking care of himself. The fact is, he's been dead practically as long as he ever was alive. And for most of those years, it had never been his choice, when he could sleep, when he could eat, what were the allowed times to shower or use the bathroom. Of course, Ben's been with Klaus in all the years since then, seen him living outside that rigid routine, but he hadn't been participating in it. He has a lot of practice at nagging Klaus that he needs to eat something, and no practice at following through on self-maintenance himself.

As soon as he puts the cup to his lips and drinks, Ben realizes how dehydrated he must be. The water going down his throat feels amazing, and he quickly drains the rest, gives a grateful little nod.

The exhaustion, and hunger, and light-headedness - all of it contributes in a way. For a long time, it's been easy for Ben to keep a firm handle on his emotions (except anger, which was easier as a ghost than it had ever been when he was alive). It's only now that he's getting that part of the reason that was, was because he didn't have a body. None of those chemicals crashing together inside him, churned up by a heartbeat, impossible to shut off. It's all hitting him again like a flood, and he can't find the shutoff valve. ]

Klaus... I'm alive again. I'm alive-

[ His voice cracks on the word the second time, and he deliberately gets to his feet, stalls by going to pour more water into Klaus's glass, sipping at it before offering it to his brother again, and finishing: ]

I- barely remember how to be alive anymore.

[ It's not the sort of thing Ben would probably have admitted to Klaus if he were thinking straight, if he hadn't already given that away. He has spent a long time being the competent, calm one, faking it even when he wasn't to support his brother. But he hasn't got any faking in him right now. ]

[redwinekindofgirl]

It's strange how she so quickly managed to insert herself into that very particular niche in his life, and yet here they are. She cares about him enough that it makes her heart ache to know that he's struggling like this. Hadriel didn't offer the kinds of temptations that Anchor is already imposing on his mind.

She expects a 'no', and her surprise when that isn't precisely what she gets shows only mildly in her expression. Her fingers squeeze lightly around his. Klaus is undoubtedly stronger than her, physically, and she couldn't force him to do anything he didn't want to do, but she can't just let it drop there.

Not when he could so easily put himself in a position to be hurt.

"I know," she replies, rubbing her free hand over his knuckles. "I know you don't want to, babe. But could you?"

[substances]

Julie's hands are very gentle and soft on his - he can see that she's surprised when he doesn't just say no, and she keeps his hand, she squeezes and brushes her fingers over his knuckles, and he can tell she's trying to soften a blow.

When she says 'I know' and asks if he could give her the pills, every fibre of his being rebels, he can feel his temper spark because he knows he should say yes and give them to her and let her flush them or something, but he doesn't want to. He wants to take them. He wants to feel that amazing floating high again, wants to feel happy and comfortable and like nothing hurts and he doesn't have to think or remember. For a moment, he really and truly hates her for asking him that, for putting him in the position where he has to choose what path to take. Because he can feel it, the panicked temper tantrum that's already building up despite the guilt and the knowledge of what the right thing to do is in this situation. Because no matter what he picks, it's going to suck hard, it's a lose-lose situation.

"I don't know." he says, his voice a little tight, his brows furrowed, expression guarded, "I probably could but I don't want to."

He can't speak anymore for a moment, realizes his breath is coming short and shallow and his heart is pounding, his throat feels tight, he feels like he's about to explode.

"Just one hit. I can take one hit and then I'll give the rest to you after, deal?"

[redwinekindofgirl]

Julie would like to think that Klaus wouldn't lie to her, but she knows what addiction can do to a person. She knows what trauma can do to a person. She knows how those things, and so many other traits that she and Klaus share, can create in their combination the need to compulsively lie whether you want to or not. It creates a selfish driving force that makes you say anything you can to cover the truth.

"Klaus..." she says, and she realises he looks like he did when he showed up at her door the first time, when she offered him a joint and then they--

Well, it hadn't been a poor decision, in the end. She's glad they became so close.

"You really think that's gonna help? C'mon. We know it doesn't work like that..."

[substances]

That is just about the sum total of what Klaus knows about computers too. Electricity, he knows, but computers? Completely unfathomable. This whole setup is pretty different than the phone he'd used in Hadriel or the sat phone here, those are easy to figure out, but this thing is huge and looks way more complicated and he doesn't want to break it.

"Bummer. I think we could grow plants if this computer was working."

[substances]

The panic claws its way up his throat when she says his name and looks at him like that. And yeah, it mirrors the way they met. Klaus so out of his mind, stressed and upset and angry and in a panic, desperate for something to get him out of his head, get his mind out of his body. Everything feels like too much, he's overwhelmed and hates himself a little and hates Julie a little for not just telling him it's okay to just take the drugs and escape.

"I'm just so tired of feeling. I want to be numb." he says, his voice low and a little shaky, "My brain knows it's...you know, logically it's wasting all the time I already sunk into this being sober thing, but..." And his eyes are filling up with tears now, his throat still tight, "...but nothing is right and I feel like I'm gonna claw myself out of my own skin."

It isn't a lie. It isn't said with a distinct intention of manipulating her, but part of him does hope that she'll give in and say it's okay.

"I just want something to feel good."

[redwinekindofgirl]

And she understands now, just like she understood then, but this time she knows him a little better and she knows that getting out of his head isn't ever going to just be a one time thing. It's a steep, dangerous spiral for him and god knows she's not going to be the one to give him a push.

It's not okay, no matter how hard it is to not give in to him. She wants to, just to be able to make him feel better.

"Yeah. C'mere," she says, and she gently slides an arm around his shoulders. "You've worked so fucking hard at this, right? I know you can do it. Just let me help you."

[killedwithlove]

"Why would you need the computer to grow plants? You just need dirt and seeds and light." As far as he understood, anyway, that was all farming was. "Not Blight dirt. Blight dirt is bad for everyone. Even me."

He nods, pleased with this bit of sage advice.

[substances]

When Julie slides an arm around his shoulders, the tension goes out of them and he ducks his head, squeezes his eyes shut, sways his body to the side so he can lean against her a little. All those little pinpricks of hate he'd been feeling toward her earlier evaporate and he rests his head against the top of hers, exhaling shakily.

Everything in him still wants to get up and go back to his room and just down half the bottle of pills and just float away into bliss, but he stays put, lifts a hand and scrubs at his face a little, still shaky.

"I know, I know, I know, I know I did. Sorry. I just...fuck. This fucking sucks. Sobriety is not easy. Everything is so much. It's like someone skinned me alive and the whole world is sandpaper."

Dropping his hand from his face, he starts scratching idly at his forearm, trying to distract himself from the bugs-under-skin crawling sensation that comes with cravings.

[substances]

[It doesn't come as the slightest surprise when Ben says he forgot, because Klaus had pretty much assumed that was the case when he looked at his brother. Sighing a little, Klaus pushes a hand back through his hair as he watches Ben drink the rest of the water in the cup as if he's just come out of the Sahara and nod at Klaus thankfully.]

I figured.

[When Ben says that he's alive again, that he doesn't remember how to be alive anymore, with that tight little pull in his voice and the that expression on his face, Klaus feels something in his gut and his throat tighten up into a little fist all at the same time, and he sighs softly. Crossing the room, he picks up his bag and starts digging around in it, pushing aside the bundles of clothing, the lighter and sheathed knives and all the rest of it until he finds a little wrapped bar at the bottom. Standing up, he heads over to Ben and pushes it into his hand - a protein bar, the high-cal meal replacement kind. Cookies and cream flavoured.]

Here. Come on, come on, let's go sit down...

[Gently, he slides an arm around his brother's shoulders, and when Ben offers the water glass he shakes his head - the glass of water had been for Ben in the first place, Klaus had figured it would be easier to get Ben to drink if they were sharing - and guides his brother into the other room where Klaus' bed is. It's still warm, unmade, the blankets pushed back, and Klaus gently tugs Ben down with him.]

It's okay if you forgot, Ben. You've got me. I mean, I'm certainly not claiming to be a genius when it comes to being alive, but I have got one or two tricks up my sleeve.

[Winking at Ben, he slides his arm back around Ben's waist, and holds a hand out for the protein bar.]

Want me to open that for you while you finish the water?

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben is aware of how pathetic he is being, but it is just easier to be passive, to let Klaus give him food and coax him into the other room. He sits on the edge of the bed with Klaus, hands over the protein bar, though he says while he does: ]

I know how to open a wrapper, I'm not a complete idiot.

[ But he lets Klaus open it for him all the same, drinking the rest of the water diligently. The mechanics of it are so much more involved than he'd remembered - the acute sensation of temperature, swallowing, timing it around needing to breathe too. A dozen tiny things that were automatic for living people, would be automatic for him too, eventually, he hopes.

He sets the glass down on the little table by Klaus's bed, opening his mouth to apologize for being so needy, but the words won't come. All he manages is a small: ]

Thanks, Klaus.

[ The experience with the protein bar is similar to the water; it isn't until he starts eating that he identifies how hungry he is. By the time he's three small bites in, he can feel it, there in his guts, twisting away, awful and awfully familiar. Ben shuts his eyes, chastising himself silently for letting it get this bad. He can't afford to forget things like this. He knows that. Knows better. Just because he's a little fucked up about being alive again isn't an excuse to endanger Klaus and Diego and whoever else might be trapped in this place.

Ben's breaths have gone very shaky. He can hear it, knows Klaus will be able to hear it. He's going to have to learn all over again how to hide these things better. But at least it is Klaus, and the room is dim-lit and Klaus isn't looking at him. Finishing the bar mechanically, Ben says, voice unsteady: ]

You're wrong. You're really good at being alive.

[ Not at thriving and succeeding in the ways others might want him to or the ways he might want to, but Klaus is a hell of a survivor. He'd gotten through two wars, survived their home (more than Ben had managed). He'd OD'd so many times and clung on. Even dying at that club hadn't stuck. Klaus has got more than just two tricks up his sleeve, Ben thinks. ]

[redwinekindofgirl]

Julie makes a soft, soothing sound when he leans into her. It's hard, she knows it is, and it's so much harder for him than it ever was for her. She wasn't on the hard stuff for as long as he was, and she had eyes on her to make sure she couldn't go too far down the rabbit hole.

"It's okay. Look, I know it's not like flicking a fucking switch." Without forcing the movement of his hands to stop, she closes her own over his as he scratches at his skin.

"It's okay, Klaus... I want you to go get the stuff, and bring it back here. Right?" Julie cups a hand against his cheek, draws his head around so she can find his eyes. "You can do that, yeah?"

cw: mild suicidal ideation

[substances]

For a few minutes, he's lost in his own head, jaw clenching, teeth grit, eyes squeezed shut, trying to imagine living the rest of his life without anything to take the edge off how he feels. Living the rest of his life without anything to escape into, nothing to make him feel good and happy. Nothing to take away the pain of losing Dave and knowing he's never going to be loved again and all his memories and the flashbacks and the ghosts. It feels intolerable, like he'd rather die than do that.

But Julie's hands are soft over his as she touches his hands, and he stops scratching, taking a shaky inhale through a tense body.

"Yeah, yeah I can do that." he says, his throat dry, then he opens his eyes and looks over at her, licks his lips, "I Just don't know how to live without it. In Hadriel there was so much other stuff to think about, there was the war, and I didn't have any real options, but here..."

He shakes his head, squeezes his eyes shut again, "I just feel like I'd rather die than keep going on like this."

[redwinekindofgirl]

Oh.

She wishes she didn't understand that, too. She wishes she didn't understand how everything can just get to be too much, and the only way you can see out of it is ending everything.

"Look at me." And she tries to make sure that he does, tries to gently hold his head in place with both hands, keeps her soft blue eyes on his. "... That's okay, too. Really. But... I know you can do it. I know you can. You're so fucking strong, I've seen it, over and over again."

Her fingers brush into his hair, push it back off his forehead, and she leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth.

"You're stronger than this, and I'm not going to fucking lose you, okay? You and me are in this together now."

[substances]

[When Ben hands over the protein bar, Klaus unwraps it and rolls his eyes at the comment.]

You don't have to be an idiot to not be able to open a wrapper one-handed. Drink up.

[It's gentle, teasing, partly to lighten the mood, and Klaus watches quietly while Ben drinks, and then puts the empty glass aside and thanks him. He can't help the fact that it feels kind of nice, being able to do something for Ben for a change. That it feels kind of nice to be the one capable of helping one of his siblings instead of the one failing them and needing to be saved.]

'Course. You're my brother, and we stick together, you and me.

[Nudging his shoulder against Ben's, he watches as his brother eats, taking a few bites and then Ben is closing his eyes and Klaus sees that muscle stand out in Ben's jaw that always pops out when Ben is beating himself up. The suspicion is confirmed when Klaus hears Ben's voice come out in that soft, shaky kind of way that implies he might be close to tears. It takes a couple of moments because it's been so long, but Klaus puts two and two together after a bit of thought.

He doesn't look at Ben, but he shifts a little closer, and slides his arm tighter around Ben's waist, rubs at his back carefully.]

Hey, hey hey hey. Ben. It's fine, nothing happened, okay? We're okay, we're okay.

[His hand slides up to cup around the back of Ben's neck, squeezing gently at the muscle there, trying to work out some of the tension Ben is carrying in his neck and shoulders. The tension of guilt and fear and anxiety and sadness.]

I'm good at staying alive. I don't know about living.

[Klaus' voice is soft and a little careful when he speaks, but he leans over to look over at Ben, trying to catch his eyes.]

I have your back, okay Ben? You've been watching over me for years and years and I gave you so much shit. Now it's my turn.