redshiftlogs | [openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

"I guess that makes sense."

It matches with other things that Cole has said, too, about there being no difference for him between his inside and his outside. Apparently that not only means he isn't embarrassed by nudity, but that internal changes or expectations would be reflected on his body. It's sort of an odd idea to get his head around, but Ben's always lived at some distance from his own body. Skeptical of it, untrusting of it, half-convinced that its whims and needs were in some way tied with the evil that Reginald had always taught him dwelled on the other side of the portal.

"Well, you don't have to worry about changing or not changing for me."

The way Cole had asked Should it had reminded Ben of a past conversation, where Cole had said that no one had ever told him before they liked him just the way he is, without wanting to shape him in some way, change him, make him more human, or more spirit, or less... himself. Ben had said it, then, but wants to reinforce it, now.

"I like you, however."

He leaves his hair in that rumpled mess, nodding his head in the direction of the door and asking:

"Sauna, next?"

Ben's not really sure if he will like a room that's just full of steam, but the idea of trying it out with Cole is extremely pleasant.

Ben has actually seen it, even if he's unaware of it. Now, Cole is flushed and pink, less gaunt and more alive than he often seemed when they first met. He doesn't have that cold, translucent look to his skin, shadowed and hollow and bony.

Cole beams at the words, awkwardly lurching toward Ben and hugging him, totally unashamed of the fact they're both naked and wet when he does so.

Because this means so much more to him than anything else has. Ben doesn't want him to change at all.

Whatever change had happened in Cole had been too gradual to catch Ben's eye - not to mention the fact that it happened alongside the gradual process of Ben getting to know him better, to trust him, to like him, to look forward to seeing him. His feelings towards Cole had developed and changed, and so had the way he sees Cole - it just doesn't occur to him that all of it might not have entirely been in his own mind and perception.

That smile of Cole's is just so radiant. The sudden movement towards him and the impulsive hug are a surprise, and Ben's not quite as entirely nonchalant as Cole about the whole thing. It's all such a tangle in him - surprise, self-consciousness, guilt, happiness, relief, gratitude, friendship, affection - but there is far more positive than negative, and after the first few moments, his shock and reflexive feeling that this is something he ought to feel guilty about fade, leaving only the warm glow of joy that he could make Cole this happy.

Some part of Ben berates him that he shouldn't congratulate himself too much, that all he's offering Cole is basic decency and friendship. Just because no one has given it to him before...

But that little voice is very little, and Cole is smiling so wide, and Ben can really see the happiness in his eyes without the hair there to block it. It's such a sharp, crystallized thing inside him right then, how he feels about Cole. How much pleasure it gives him making him happy. How nothing in the world seems to ever feel better than this.

If things were a little different, ~~if he weren't such an idiot~~, Ben might put a name to those feelings, contextualize them in a way that would cast all of this, the whole night, in a very different light. But it doesn't even occur to him, consciously, to wonder if maybe all these incredibly intense feelings are a bit more intense than just friendship. Ben is too happy to analyze it, and he's long since made the assumption that some things - crushes and romance and attraction and all of that - just aren't going to be a part of his existence. The reasons for that are as many as they are interwoven and unspoken and complicated.

So it doesn't click into place for him. Not yet, anyway.

Edited 2019-12-05 02:23 (UTC)

And Cole, who knows what people feel and how they feel it and what it means... Cole doesn't know this feeling. He's not felt it, as Cole, as Compassion, not like this, it's complex and messy and involves things that he doesn't know, that are outside of what all of him has.

Instead, Cole tucks his head down and into the crook of Ben's neck, as though he wasn't taller than Ben, and cuddles closer, wanting to soak in the warm inside and outside. For both of them.

Ben's going to initiate ending the cuddle. Cole won't. Can't.

For a few moments, Ben isn't really thinking or worrying about anything at all. He's merely stunned to be the recipient of such an obvious display of trust and affection. And it means so much more, coming from Cole, who has been through so much, who has every reason to be wary of people. But Cole is choosing to be close to him despite all that, and despite the fact that he can really see Ben for who he is. With everyone else, there is always that fear - that he has fooled them in some way into thinking he is deserving or whole or normal or good. But there is no deceiving Cole. From the very first time they'd met, he'd seen into the darkest corners of Ben. And he hadn't run away.

And he isn't running away, now. In fact he's doing quite the opposite, pressing in close, without self-consciousness or shame or any fear of Ben. None at all.

When Ben was first getting to know Cole, trying to wrap his head around the idea of a spirit that had become a young man, he'd wondered how real Cole's body was. Those questions had only deepened when he found out that Cole didn't need to eat or sleep. Ben knows that Cole isn't human. He doesn't mind. He's always wondered if he counts as entirely human, himself. But right now, as far as Ben can feel, there's not that much difference at all between their bodies. Ben can feel Cole's face tucked against his neck, and without really thinking about it, he lifts a hand to brush back Cole's wet hair. It's so pleasant, being close like this. Cole is still so warm from the shower...

Then, without much warning, all that relaxed happiness shifts inside Ben. There's a sudden twist of realization and alarm in his gut, as he realizes that his stupid human body with its stupid human hormones is getting a little too comfortable with having Cole pressed so close to him like this. He takes a step back at once, putting distance between them, exhaling a suddenly shaky breath. Pulling away like this is a reflex, like touching a hot stove - the moment he notices that response in himself, he withdraws. Because Cole had been hugging him like that, trusting him, and Ben is so happy that Cole trusts him. He won't do anything to take advantage or betray that or taint it.

Because this is a reflex that had been ingrained in him long before he ever met Cole or came to this place. Ben is long accustomed to thinking of his body as something untrustworthy and dangerous, to be kept in check. And as much progress as he's made, since coming here - a lot of it thanks to Cole - this is an area where he has made none, yet. Where he hasn't even thought to try.

"Sorry."

Ben can't even use his usual trick of trying to project how he is feeling, when the words won't come, because it's so mixed-up in his head and he doesn't know where to begin. A few things he is certain of, though, and he latches onto those. How happy it made him to be embraced like that. How glad he is to be Cole's friend. How much he meant what he said, that had prompted that burst of affection.

He reaches for the towel hanging from the wall and wraps it firmly around his hips, twists it into place a little more harshly than he needs to. It pinches, but his body is the enemy and deserves it. Ben lets out another slow breath, does his best to shove all that mess he'd unearthed way far back down.

"Okay. Sauna."

There are things Cole doesn't understand and things he can't pick up clearly.

What he's getting right now is the clear sense that Ben is sorry, though he doesn't understand what for, not really, and that he hates his own body (he already knew that) and he's angry at it for being the enemy (it isn't, but they're working on that). he doesn't think it's anything to do with him and is entirely to do with Ben and Reginald and the toxic relationship that was fostered between the pair of them and with Them.

He's a little disappointed that the hug has ended, and the hair brushing, that was nice, but Ben needs space because he's starting to feel like he's trapped in his body like a cell, hostile and confusing.

"Shh." Cole lays a hand on Ben's side briefly, then gives a very gentle poke at his stomach. "You don't need to be angry. Bodies are bodies. And They're very relaxed right now."

He gets his own towel and copies Ben again

Ben opens his mouth to protest that he's not angry... but of course, Cole's right. He is angry at himself, and confused, and uneasy. Yes, bodies are just bodies. But he hasn't reconsidered his relationship to his, extensively, and the thought of doing so is honestly a bit terrifying. So he reacts in the way that's become automatic, clamming up, slamming the doors shut on any thoughts that are too radical or dangerous, shoving it all as deep beneath the surface as he can and desperately searching for a distraction.

It won't stay buried forever. He's run aground against something big, with this. Some part of Ben knows he's not going to be able to stop himself from thinking about this again in the future. But for now, what he wants, what he needs, is to just - move to the side of it. Put distance in his mind, the way he'd put distance in between their bodies.

There is some relief, at least, in knowing that They are unbothered, and aren't riled up in any other way.

Ben resolutely holds his head high and tries to focus on lots of neutral, sauna-related thoughts. It doesn't work, for the most part, but at least that immediate squirming feeing of guilt eases more and more, as time passes. The two of them make their way to the sauna, and there is a little set of rules and procedures posted helpfully by the door. Ben pauses to read it, then explains:

"So we're... supposed to dump water on those hot coals, and the room gets steamy and we just sit around in it, I guess."

It sounds not really as fun as splashing around in a hot spring, but Ben tries it nonetheless, getting a scoop of water with the dipper and ladling it onto the hot stones, laughing softly at the sound they make. Then, he finds a spot for himself on one of the benches, looking over at Cole, wanting him to sit beside him. When he does sit, Ben lets his head fall to the side onto Cole's shoulder.

The sauna... well, Cole doesn't get it. He hasn't be anywhere so hot and humid, but he has memories from others of rainforests and sticky, damp air that smothered the breathing.

He didn't get the appeal.

He sits next to Ben, smiling faintly at the head on his shoulder but he soon starts running his fingertips over the bench, seeking out information and sensation. "Seeping, sinking, sweltering, seeking stiffness and swelling and soothing. Is that why people like this?"

Cole is getting a little damp from the water in the air but he doesn't sweat. Doesn't feel heat like a living creature would.

Ben, too, is not really seeing the appeal. Maybe it's just lingering weirdness from the moment they'd had in the showers, but he just kind of feels damp and uncomfortable. He gives it a few minutes, though. Maybe it takes longer to have an impact? Or maybe it's an acquired taste. People really seem to dig these places, after all. They pay a lot of money and stuff. Surely there is a reason?

He listens as Cole reads the room, quite literally, pulling information from the experiences of the people who had been here and touched this room. Because Cole can do that. Because Cole is amazing.

"Yeah. I guess maybe it's nice if you've pulled a muscle."

But Ben hasn't, so there's not really any benefit. He spends the next few minutes breathing in that steamy air thinking a lot more about how good Cole is than about how nice it is to be in a sauna. Ben presses his cheek against Cole's bare shoulder. Even in this excessively hot and steamy room, he can feel how warm Cole is, and how nice that warmth makes him feel. But that happiness feels safer, like this.

After ten minutes, Ben calls it. He gives a rolling shrug as he gets to his feet, holding out a hand to help Cole up.

"Not really feeling this one. How about we poke our heads in to just look at the Turkish bath, and then just go back to the hot springs?"

Ben is going to be a complete prune by the end of tonight, but he doesn't care at all.

Cole doesn't get into it.

He tries not to fidget, because Ben is comfortable and there's a thick, heavy presence of Their contentment with Ben's peace. These are things that Cole can enjoy, so he lets himself tune out his own body in favour of those other things.

"What's the Turkish bath? Is it more steam? I don't like the steam much, it's just sticky and hot and it doesn't even feel like being hugged all around, like the hot water. I like the all over hug feeling."

He takes Ben's hand and holds onto it again. He thinks that eventually, They'd like the hot spring too, so different from Their place, but Their weight supported and the warmth more like Ben's body temperature than Theirs.

Aaaaand all over hug feeling just became a serious contender for the coveted spot of 'favorite unusual Cole descriptions of things'. Ben beams, swinging their hands together between them.

"I don't actually know what it is. We won't stay long, I promise. I just want to look."

But their visit is even shorter than Ben had anticipated. When they walk in, there is again a little informational placard, which gives an indication of the layout. It seems to be some kind of progression, from area to area? Except the first area, as soon as they step into it, becomes very hot. Not the humid heat of the sauna, but just... dry, and very intense. It is unpleasant, especially because there are fans blowing the dry air on them, rather like being inside of a hairdryer. Ben wrinkles his nose, shaking his head immediately.

"Naw."

And so they bail, making their way back to the hot spring. It is like returning to an old friend. Ben finds the spot where their clothes are. And seeing Cole's dirty leathers sitting there... that brings up another question he's been meaning to ask.

"Hey, Cole? Weird question. Have you ever... worn anything different than that?"

Edited 2019-12-07 01:32 (UTC)

The dry heat and sharp winds remind him of the Western Approach. Of Adamant Fortress. Despite the heat, he shivers at the memory and is glad to leave immediately.

He's thinking about sharing this insight when Ben speaks and he refocuses. "Oh. Um. Yes. Before I knew what I was I had a shirt and pants but they were part of me, not really clothes. I got these clothes when I left Rhys and Evangeline. When I go out with Cadash, she gave me armour, and she gave me new armour when I got hit and went unconscious. She tried to give me a different hat, but I like my hat."

So.... sort of, but it never seems to have passed his mind to wear something else unless it's been for a reason.

There was a time in Ben's life when the idea of someone having clothes that were a part of him, of the way he manifested physically in the world, would have been so deeply strange to him. But he knows a bit now about what a messy, confusing, scary time it was for Cole, before he realized he was a spirit. Ben is just glad he'd made it through that time, and that someone had been around to give him some armor afterwards when he needed it.

The flicker of fear that Ben feels when Cole mentions being hit and being knocked unconscious is sudden but intense. He has seen Cole in action, now. He knows that his friend is far from helpless. And yet hearing about him getting hurt is painful. Even if it was in the past, even if Cole himself doesn't seem bothered by the memory. What does that say about Ben, that he wishes he could reach back through time and across worlds to every scary and dangerous moment Cole has experienced and put himself between Cole and that peril, that fear?

He can't, and he knows he can't, but he still wishes it were possible, even as he is setting down his towel and getting into the warm water once more. This time, he doesn't swim around, or start a splashing war. He just sits along the edge of the spring, arms draped comfortably along the edge, and basks.

"I like your hat, too."

It isn't even a lie. ~~Ben really is that besotted~~. The thing itself is, of course, ugly and absurd, but Cole likes it, and Ben associates it so strongly with him, so how could he not like it? How could he hate something that is in its way a part of his friend. And of course, Ben takes note any time Cole expresses a preference for himself. It is so rare that there are things Cole likes and wants for himself. If that hat's one of them, well, Ben loves that hat.

Though he smiles and adds:

"Even if it's kinda nice, being able to see your face better without it."

Maybe he can coax Cole into taking it off now and then, when it is just the two of them, nobody to hide from. A thought strikes Ben, and he suggests:

"You should try a hoodie sometime. Like the kind I'm always wearing, you know?" And he mimes pulling a hood over his head. Not only is the mental image of Cole wearing a hooded sweater pretty adorable actually, but...

"It's sort of... I don't know. Comforting. Not exactly like shutting out the world, but just- kind of doing that."

Cole had been willing to try warm water and that had paid off in a big way. He had liked showering, getting clean. Maybe the next nice thing Ben can introduce him to will be hoodies, and clothes that aren't just for decency and protection, but ones that are soft and nice to wear. Not tonight, but maybe soon.

Cole gets back into the water and slips into the water again, straight under to get his head wet again and surface to let it stream down his face.

He knows Ben thinks his hat is a bit ugly, but he likes it anyway, so that's the important thing. It is a bit ugly, btu that doesn't make it a bad hat. It's a good hat. It stops his head getting cut and the rain soaking him and he can fold up small and fit all of him under it.

"You like seeing my face?" he knows Ben does, even as he asks, but the human reflex is still there sometimes and right now, it sits close to the surface. "Yes... I could try a hoodie. My clothes are sort of needing repair. I'm not good at sewing. Krem was. He made nugs for the children."

Ben watches the way Cole comes back to the warm water, no hesitation this time, eagerly dunking his head underneath it, surfacing once again. There is something so special about watching Cole enjoy things. Seeing him comfortable. Seeing him happy.

When he asks if Ben really likes seeing his face, Ben's smile spreads slowly over his face, brightening into something wide and warm and full of that particular fizzy happiness that he associates with being around Cole.

"Yeah. I like seeing your face a whole lot."

There is no disjuncture at all, between that soft delighted feeling inside Ben and the smile and outward shows of emotion and the words he's saying. All are in perfect agreement, on this.

And when Cole agrees to try a hoodie, Ben makes the decision then to lend him one of his. He has two good ones, and that's more than he needs. Besides. Cole would look sort of cute in one, he just bets it. And since Cole seems to at least realize his clothes are in need of repair, that should make it much easier for Ben to bring him some alternatives. Maybe he could ask around, see who is good at fixing clothes... he could do that, as a favor for his friend. He would be happy to.

"He made what?"

Obviously it's something that needs sewing, but Ben really has no hope of guessing what a nug might be.

[openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

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