redshiftlogs | [openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

Entry tags:

[openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

Who: Ben + anyone
What: A catch-all
When: November through December
Where: Anywhere!

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Allison's assumption is, of course, correct. Ben is waiting in his usual black hoodie, black jeans, black simple boots. In a way, that outfit is like armor for him. He hides himself in it, blends in, fades into the background. The idea of trying anything else is... scarier than he wants to admit. But he knows that armor can be a kind of shell, and all Allison's coaxing and encouraging has him willing to step out of that shell, at least for a few minutes, to see how he likes it.

He greets his sister with a wave, trying to match her encouraging smile, although his own is much smaller, with the nerves behind it all too clear. As she starts unpacking items from the bags, Ben catches sight of a hairdryer, and something striped, and then he looks away. It's stupid to feel so anxious, but he does, and all he can do is try to mitigate it.

Fortunately, there's a knock at the door then, and Ben announces:

"Oh, good, Cho's here."

And he goes to let her in. At least, in theory. In actuality, he opens the door and then just stands in the way of her coming inside, because he's too surprised to move. She's dressed up fancy. Like, extremely fancy. Her hair is all in big curls and they definitely must've taken a lot of time, right? And he might not know a lot about fashion but that outfit looks like something out of a magazine. So he blinks at her a few seconds before remembering himself and moving aside to let her in.

"Um, wow. Okay. You look super nice, come on in!"

He is running through his memory trying to recall if he'd given the impression she had to get super dressed up for this, and he's worried that he'd implied that now and she'd gone out of her usual style to try to impress. Is it 'cause she is meeting Allison? Ben had mentioned that she's a movie star. Maybe Cho had felt like she ought to. He feels bad for not being clearer. All that fuss just over this stupid... clothes trying-on session.

That feeling of unease, of people going out of their way for him, of being at the center of someone else's attention, is stirring a little in Ben's stomach, but he tries to ignore that queasy feeling. If coming out of your shell were easy, people wouldn't need shells in the first place.

"Um, Allison, this is my friend, Cho Takahashi, and Cho, this is my sister, Allison."

He gestures between the two of them. An efficient introduction, right? Oh he is bad at this, isn't he?

Edited 2019-12-10 21:41 (UTC)

Allison registers Ben's smaller smile, his anxiety. It's not unexpected -- Ben was nervous when Allison first brought up the idea of the makeover, and she didn't really expect him to change his attitude much. Allison isn't too bothered, though. She's just happy that Ben agreed to this at all, that he didn't back out. This could be really, really good for him, a way to help him more fully be a living person, not a ghost, always in stasis.

And, selfishly, Allison is happy that Ben is willing to try something that she's genuinely interested in. Even Luther didn't care much about this sort of thing, and didn't seem to want to share this interest with her. But Ben is at least willing to try, and seems to want to hang out with her, not some fictionalized version of her. She's not playing a role, not right now, and it feels like a weight's been lifted.

Allison pauses when she hears the knock at the door, turning to face the sound, and bringing her other hand up to wave. When Cho walks through, Allison blinks a couple times, not expecting Cho to look so...well, good. Classy. Put-together, and not in a childish matchy-matchy way. Cho seems to know her way around a wardrobe, and to Allison, that's a huge relief. Allison's smile grows wider, until she's positively beaming, trading her perfectly composed movie-star smile for something more genuine.

Allison strides over, hand outstretched for a shake, which, if Cho takes it, will be firm but brief, before Allison waves Cho to follow her to the table so Cho can set down her things, and also see what Allison has prepared.

Ben's surprise is, for a moment, troubling. Did she overshoot? Undershoot? Was it a mistake to not put her hair up? She so rarely leaves it down, it may have been a bad call today. Is it too casual? Too unlike her. But his surprise doesn't last, and she feels almost immediately better. "Thank you. I wasn't sure about the hair with something so casual, but this feels like a little bit of a special occasion. Refining personal style, always an exciting thing, right?" She's trying to project her excitement like a force field, encompass Ben, get him on board with the way that this can be fun.

Cho takes Allison's hand, returning the shake, mirroring it. "Thank you so much for including me in this. Ben has said such lovely things about you, if even half of it is accurate and not just sibling affection, I feel very lucky to get the chance to get to know you. Also... I hope you won't think it's presumptuous of me, but Ben mentioned that you're recovering from an injury, and I know these keyboards are very small, so I thought that this might be helpful." Setting her bundle of snacks on the table, Cho pulls a large sketch book out of her bag. It's slightly water damaged, so she hasn't used it for its intended purpose, but the paper is still perfectly serviceable to be written on. "You don't have to use it if you don't want to," Cho promises her, holding it up, along with one of the felt markers from the lab. "I just thought it might be a little easier than us having to check our phones, or the conversation moving along without you."

"I- yeah, I guess it is."

The hesitancy in his voice isn't over the importance of a change in style, but over the fact that it's him and she didn't have to go so all out, baking and doing her hair, and Allison had scoured for those clothes, and he just feels very... unworthy, of all of it. Cho's cheerful excitement does help, though. He's only mildly uneasy, rather than unbearably uncomfortable.

Still, Ben immediately snags one of those pizzelles the moment Cho puts the snacks down, because it gives him an excuse not to talk for a few moments and something to do with his hands, which is sort of the ultimate two-for-one special. But things seem to be going well so far? Allison is smiling her warmest smile, that genuine one Ben sees her get when she's talking about Claire or remembering some fond memory, and Cho is in fine form, so charming and polite and thoughtful. It's strangely nerve-wracking, caring about both of them and wanting them to like one another so badly.

"Um. So... how should we do this? Allison, I don't know if you've got - outfits planned already or if you want a couple minutes with Cho to like... make decisions or whatever. I'm just. Gonna keep eating these cookies until you tell me what to do."

And he snags another pizzelle, nibbling on it. Not as bad as it could have been, all in all. Sure, he's embarrassed to hand things over so completely to them, but they both know already he's hopeless at this, it's no great surprise. And once they choose what they want him to try, he can go into the next room and change into it and... try not to overthink.

Cho continues to be not what Allison expected. She's kinder, too, and genuinely considerate. It's not that Allison didn't expect Cho, personally, to be that nice. Allison doesn't expect genuine kindness from anyone, not really. Friendship and love, to her, are things that have to be won, and kindness is something that has to be earned. Allison, from a young age, was taught that warmth was a conditional thing, that no one gave it freely. Hollywood could be a little better at times, but not much -- so many people were interested in one, or maybe two things: money, always, and sometimes glory. There's a small part of Allison that wonders if Cho has some ulterior motive here, but if she does, Allison can't trace it. So Allison just tries to bury the thought, accepting the sketchbook gracefully and flipping open to the first page.

Thank you. I'm lucky to get this chance too!

And, then for both Cho and Ben, Allison writes: Check out the options. Let's decide what to try on first.

Allison lies the gray trousers and white tee out on the table so that it looks something like this. That's option one. The light blue and striped button down she places next to the full outfit, for options two and three.

I'm thinking the white top with the gray trousers, but the blue top would also work with those. If you want to go a little easier we can also just do the thin striped button down with the jeans you have on, Ben.

Cho has been taught, from a very young age, that warmth was something for other people, that it was an opiate for the weak willed and simple minded. Not for her. She's overcorrected in a wide swing the other way. She knows the way that denial of affection made her feel, as a child, how desperate for love she'd been. As an adult now, looking back, she knows just how cold and manipulative her upbringing was. Her memories, clear as the day they were lived, remain untarnished by that adult perspective. She remembers the bliss of ignorance. It lets her hold on to the smallest kindnesses and treasure them. Still, now she knows. She never wants to be the reason that someone else feels that way, that they have to earn every scrap of kindness in their lives. She will give it freely. The people she loves will never have to wonder.

Speaking of which, Ben looks like a deer in headlights. "Why don't you just... pick one thing that you like and try it? The great part about all this, I think maybe what your sister intended..." She shoots Allison a quick look to include her, encourage her to correct if Cho is mistaken. "Is that it can all sort of mix and match with everything else, and with your current style." By which she means the identical and monochrome outfits he wears every single day. "So if you pick one thing, you can still wear most of your own clothes and have a new slightly updated look. And it's just us." Cho smiles, and shrugs her shoulders - not scary if it's just his friend and his sister, right? Cho's pretty sure there isn't a single person in the entire multiverse who would find her intimidating. "We love you, Ben. We're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do. This is a safe space to try out something a little different. If you don't like it, it doesn't have to leave this room."

Ben can tell he must look overwhelmed, just based on the way they are both looking at him, speaking to him. Ben looks at the outfit options Allison has laid out, listens to Cho's advice about mixing and matching. That is reassuring, at least - the idea of integrating things bit by bit. That change can be gradual, and doesn't have to be complete. At the same time, he wants to go big, with this first outfit. Really just try something new. So he takes the gray trousers and white shirt and says, feeling mortified and loved and grateful.

"I'm. Gonna go put these on. I'll be back soon."

And he disappears into the next room, shutting the door and giving himself a minute before he's pulling off the jacket, the old familiar hoodie, all those layers of familiar armor. There's a mirror in here, too. To let him get a look at himself before he heads out. Ben takes his time, putting it all on. He also messes with his hair, some, trying to sort of part it in a different way, muss it up a little. It's ... weird, the loose fit of the shirt and the tighter fit of the pants. Ben takes a moment, tries tucking the shirt in. Tries untucking it again. Tucks it in a different way.

Yeah he might be a few minutes. Best if the girls chat amongst themselves for a bit.

Cho, thankfully, understands what Allison is trying to do with the mixing and matching. Allison isn't trying to just give Ben a fish -- she's trying to teach him how to fish, how to create outfits that are comfortable and self-affirming, and are also different from one day to the next. And hopefully, that gives him some self-confidence, too. Having control over her appearance has helped Allison feel better about herself, so why shouldn't it help Ben?

Allison grins, nods, and gives Ben a thumbs-up. He's picked one of the nicer outfits. Go Ben! Maybe his fashion instincts aren't hopeless, after all.

After he leaves to change, Allison turns to Cho, writing her a quick message.

Thanks for coming and helping. I really do think he's gonna have a good time.

"Of course! It's my pleasure, really. I'd do anything for Ben." There are a lot of people in the word who throw sentiments like that around easily, no thought to actually following through. Cho is not one of them. She means it. If Ben needed her to sit up all night trying to help him catch a magical panda that only he could see, she'd find a net and settle in for the long haul. "And I was so happy for the chance to meet you. Ben's told me a little bit about your life. It must be so exciting, being in movies."

Allison nods, understanding. She'd do anything for Ben, too, although for Allison, that feeling is mixed with all kinds of complicated guilt about Ben's death. She'd do anything for him, but even so, she still couldn't save his life.

Allison laughs a little. Her old job is easier to talk about, as long as Cho doesn't pry too deeply.

They're all right. A job's a job, but I did love it.

Allison lets Cho read that, then follows up with another message.

What's you life like? You've got great taste, that doesn't come from just anywhere.

"Thank you so much." Cho reflexively checks that her earrings are hanging correctly, and smiles. She's not sure what Ben has told Allison about her life, but if her answer is too vague, she'll probably ask for clarification, right? "It was part of my family preparing me for my future." A future as a trophy wife in the point one percent, a shallow and meaningless existence, a life of no lasting consequence. She's not sad that she's left that behind. Some days she marvels that she ever had the courage to take that first step, which seems so small now - but had felt like leaping into an endless black abyss at the time, but she's happy that she did.

"What's the best role you ever had?" She's so much more interested in Allison's life than she is in her own.

Allison latches on to Cho's vague phrasing. Allison comes from a family of secrets and buried resentment, and manipulation, unfortunately, came a little too naturally to Allison. Which is why Allison tends to read vagueness as deliberate, as someone hiding something. But on the other hand, Cho seems so friendly and she seems to want her and Allison to get to know each other, so how much is she really trying to hide?

Guess your planned future wasn't getting marooned on a distant planet?

Allison smiles playfully. She'll opt for humor -- easy enough for Cho to deflect, but there's enough of an opportunity for Cho to elaborate on her past, if she wants to.

Allison taps her pencil, thinking, trying to answer Cho's question. She's had a lot of roles, and it gets hard to keep track.

I liked my roles in smaller films best. The ones early in my career.

The bigger the movie, the more cookie cutter the part sometimes

Ben can hear them chatting away on the other side of the door - or, well, he hears Cho, and he assumes that Allison is responding during those silences - but he can't hear the words themselves, and is too distracted to really pay much attention. He has fussed and fussed and all it has done is made him feel more anxious about the whole thing. Luckily, he at least has the self-awareness to notice that is what is happening, and cut himself off.

He comes to the door and opens it just a crack, peeking out and waiting for both of them to look over before he says:

"Okay, so. This is. This outfit."

And Ben opens the door the rest of the way, stepping out. He had finally landed on having the shirt tucked in, but it's only a second before he's plucking at it nervously, muttering:

"I wasn't sure if I should... have it like this, or out. And I just- I don't know, what do you guys think?"

He is desperately aiming for nonchalant, but he knows Allison and Cho will see right through it, so he gives up and just gives a loose, wordless shrug, face burning. He really is trying, though.

Cho's reluctance in situations like this one comes almost entirely from a desire to not be a downer. It took a bit of trial and error for her to figure it out. But Allison has some curiosity left, clearly, and it's not as though she's afraid to share it. So she elaborates just a little. "Definitely not, no. I'm not sure anything prepares you for this. My family has money." She doesn't say it like she's bragging or like she's apologizing for it. It's just a statement of fact for her. It's the way life is. It also adds a little context to the next bit. "Preparing me for my future was about securing an advantageous marriage. Making the... correct connections." Being a high value product, but Allison has probably lived in the Hollywood bubble long enough to know that without Cho having to say it out loud. In any case, life has thrown her a few curve balls, instead, and she's rolling with it.

She's also very interested in hearing more about Allison's career and perhaps a little more bout her absolute favourite job, when Ben reappears. "You don't have to fidget with it," she tells him right off the bat. "It fits you very well and you look very handsome. It would look nice untucked, and it looks nice tucked in. I think you could maybe even get away with half-tucked. What I want to know-- what I think we both want to know, is how do you think you look? When you saw yourself in the mirror, what did you like? Is there anything you're particularly unsure about?"

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[openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

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