[catch-all] this is way beyond my remote concern of being condescending

[scowlish]

Who: Onni Hotakainen and whoever.
What: catch-all for assorted threads
When: late december, january
Where: around anchor
Warnings: none likely, tba in subject lines if needed

[Starters in comments.]

Comments

[braidmage]

[ Reynir, for his part, has no idea what's going on inside Onni, behind those icy blue eyes of his. But that's not an unusual position to find himself in. He likes that Onni has hidden depths. It is a part of his indescribable Onni-ness. He can tell, that Onni is thinking something deeply, something he isn't sharing, as he looks at Reynir. That much is clear to him. He just has no idea how deeply those thoughts relate to himself, to how Onni feels about him.

Onni's initial response to Reynir's characteristic gushing about how much Onni means to him is... restrained, to say the least. Reynir takes it well, though his stomach sinks with disappointment and sadness. Still, he hadn't expected any different. Reynir is used to caring about people more than they care about him. He can live with it, without too much pain.

Except then Onni clears his throat and clarifies. Says Reynir is more than just a friend, that he feels the same.

Reynir cannot help it, then. The relief and happiness douse him like a tidal wave. He lights up with it, beaming and flinging his long arms around Onni, pulling him into an impulsive, tight, awkwardly sideways hug. It comes back to him in a rush, then. Lying on top of Onni when they were both stoned. The way he'd said that should do that much more often. Reynir thinks he must be a bit starved for touch, in this place. Sure there is Kisa, but as cuddly as she is, she's no substitute for closeness with another human.

But Reynir doesn't connect the dots, the same way Onni has, for a number of reasons. He is much more used to a feeling of closeness with others. He is less inclined towards self-analysis; he doesn't really think about the reason for that glowing warmth in his chest or why it is Onni he wants so badly to be close to. He just stays scooted close to Onni and shifts in a way that he can stay near enough that their knees are pressed together, even when he stops hugging Onni so he can go back to repotting plants. ]

[scowlish]

[This is, he realizes, one of the things he likes about Reynir - how he gives Onni time to process his thoughts and feelings before demanding answers. It makes Onni feel more comfortable actually telling him those things. It makes it easy to talk to him and actually say what he's feeling and thinking. And so, because he was given the time to express himself properly, that reaction from Reynir is more affecting. Onni says 'mm' quietly, and looks back down at the pot while Reynir flings himself against him, wraps his long arms around Onni's shoulders and hugs him sideways in a genuine, excited, impulsive sort of way.

It feels good. Better than it has any right to, and Onni lets out a slow, contented sigh, lifts a hand to squeeze idly at Reynir's bicep where it's wrapped around his shoulders, leaving a couple little smudges of soil on the fabric of his shirt. When Reynir settles down next to him, close enough to touch, Onni only hesitates for a few moments before scooting just slightly closer so their thighs are also touching, as he pots the big plant he's been preparing the pot for.

For a while, there's just a companionable silence while they work together, and then Onni speaks again, carefully, because it's been on his mind lately.]

Lalli told me that Tuuri asked all of you not to tell me she'd been injured. Why didn't you tell me that, when I was so angry at you?

[braidmage]

[ During that stretch of silence, Reynir's mind had wandered far far away, and he is not expecting it at all, when Onni brings up Tuuri out of the blue. Not just Tuuri, but how Reynir had lied about her being possibly infected. It feels like some ice has slipped into his stomach. Reynir goes very still, looking down at the little mound of soil held between his hands.

Some distant part of his mind is glad that Lalli and Onni had been speaking about Tuuri. That the both of them are at least attempting to process her loss.

He is so startled by the change in topic that it takes him a moment to answer. For some reason, the guilt and grief have a particularly sharp edge, today. Reynir swallows a couple times, staring down at the damp dirt in front of him. It's not particularly enjoyable, trying to recall what had been in his mind back then.

Reynir can't remember anymore whether he'd planned on telling Onni that Tuuri didn't want him to know. Maybe? He had gone looking for Onni thinking he was going to break the news of her death. That was the terrible discussion he'd planned for. Not making justifications for his own lie. And then Onni had been so towering in his fury, and moments later, so vacant and broken by his grief. Reynit can't remember anything other than being heartbroken for him, and that awful, paralyzing guilt, tingling through his limbs. Guilt for not telling Onni, guilt for not saving Tuuri, guilt for being alive at all. ]

I... don't know. She was gone either way, and I had to tell you Lalli had gone missing, and I wasn't going to - whine and say she told me to do it, like you ought to be blaming her, instead. She asked, but I still chose to lie. I deserved that anger.

[ Reynir looks up at Onni, then, green eyes round and full of hurt. For some reason, it's harder today, than most days, to believe that it wasn't his fault. That he couldn't have thrown himself in front of Tuuri and saved her, and she could be here with Onni instead. ]

I was so worried about you. I didn't care if you blamed me, if it made you feel better. It wasn't like you could - kill the troll that did it, or do anything to the Illness itself. So if it helped for you to hate me for a while or hit me or shout, I didn't mind, because - at least it might be something...

[ He shrugs, trailing off. ]

[scowlish]

[It's immediately obvious how the question affects Reynir, the way it hits him. For a moment he stares silently and then he looks down at the soil, obviously thinking. Obviously hurting because of the question. For a moment, Onni is silent, he feels a bit guilty bringing it up. It's obviously something that weighs heavily on Reynir, and he's making him going through it again.

But part of him really needs to know that answer. To understand why Reynir had held back that detail. Why he hadn't excused himself with that when he'd come to confess, if he'd seemed to want to stay in Onni's good graces by lying in the first place. For a moment, he returns the favour Reynir had given him earlier, and lets the younger man have the space to work out his answer to the question, to work through his feelings before he has to say something in response. It's a difficult question, he knows it. It's only fair to give him time.

And after a while, Reynir speaks again, his voice quiet, and hinted with what Onni recognizes now as guilt. Explains that she was gone anyhow, that he'd had to tell Onni about Lalli being missing, that he hadn't wanted to whine and try to excuse himself. That he hadn't wanted to blame it on her, to make it seem like it was her fault, when he was the one who chose to lie.

Onni's eyes are wet, as he looks at Reynir, watching the way he struggles with his hurt, the way his face changes when he says he was worried about Onni because there was nothing Onni could do, he was helpless, and maybe being angry and hitting Reynir and hating him might have made him feel better. There's something in his chest and belly - warmth, fondness, affection, respect, but there is also burning shame there.]

I want you to know, I respect you for not trying to put the blame on her.

[His voice is a little tight, and he exhales shakily.]

I also appreciate how worried you were about me. I'm sorry for shutting you out, then, but I wouldn't have been able to talk about it to anyone.

[For another few moments, he's quiet, processing his thoughts, and then swallowing hard, lifting his chin and looking over at Reynir and trying to meet his eyes, holding contact. Reynir's eyes are beautiful, and he looks so sad.]

I understand why you thought it would be alright to let me take out what I was feeling on you, but I don't want you to ever do that again. Don't let me take things out on you. I'll do my best not to do it again, but don't let me get away with it if I do. I don't want to hurt you.

[Exhaling softly, he shakes his head.]

You don't have to feel bad anymore, about it.

[braidmage]

[ When Onni explains he wouldn't have been able to talk to anyone at the time, Reynir gives a small nod, biting at his bottom lip. It is easier for him to accept that, now that a little more time has passed, and he and Onni are closer, and Onni does talk to him now. Confide in him and come to him when everything gets to be too much. Reynir doesn't regret telling him to talk to somebody, back then. But he gets it now that the grief had been too fresh and too terrible for Onni to listen.

He is not expecting what Onni says after, however. Onni's face has gone grave and Reynir's stomach twists up in worry. Had he made things worse? Is Onni angry? He looks so serious... Reynir meets his eyes and listens, tense, as Onni tells him not to let that happen again. Not to let him 'take things out' on Reynir. He opens his mouth, wanting to protest - to say that Onni hadn't hurt him, it hadn't been like that at all, that wasn't what he'd meant to imply. Reynir remembers, all too vividly, how distraught Onni had been at the mere suggestion that a stranger had thought he mistreated Lalli. The last thing Reynir wanted to do was make Onni feel like he hurts people.

But he stops before he has said anything out loud. The words die in his throat, because he can't say Onni hadn't scared him for a moment there, or hurt him in the most basic sense of the word. Reynir just... can't bring himself to think that he hadn't deserved it. It had been a justifiable, understandable reaction. He still doesn't blame Onni, at all.

He can see, though, how it would scare Onni. How he might want to take measures to make sure it didn't become a pattern that would repeat. Reynir's mouth closes, and wordlessly, he nods his agreement. He would do his best not to let him get away with it, if things ever got like that again. He doesn't think that will ever happen, but... if it does, he will try.

Sighing rather shakily, Reynir sets down the plant that he had been repotting. All this big talk he gives Onni, about how it's alright to be vulnerable, to need things, to want to be close to others. Now is a moment when he has the choice to be a hypocrite, or to practice what he preaches. So, softly, he asks: ]

Can I - have a hug, please?

[ It's stupid, and he feels stupid the moment the words leave his lips. But this isn't like those times when Onni was the one distraught and Reynir would pull him into a hug without waiting for permission. This is different. He is the one needing comfort, now. And asking is... hard. But he does it.

He knows that Onni is right. He should forgive himself and not feel bad about this anymore. On a different day, he might be more able to. But for today, he's just... a little less able to keep the sadness down. ]

[scowlish]

[Whether or not Reynir had protested his behaviour, there wouldn't have been any convincing to be done - Onni knows that he had behaved badly when Reynir came to apologize. He knows that he shouldn't have hit him, knows that he shouldn't have threatened him. It hadn't been his fault, even if he hadn't known about Tuuri's wish to keep her situation a secret from him. Onni had been angry that she'd died, angry that she'd left him, angry that he hadn't gotten to say good-bye outside of a few seconds in the dream realm, that he hadn't gotten to say the things he needed to say to her because he was too busy begging her not to leave him. He was angry at her for leaving him, and angry at himself for letting her go.

It wasn't fair of him to take that out on Reynir. Reynir had earned a certain amount of anger, of course...but not that much, and not that violently.

So it's a relief when Reynir looks at him and nods a little, doesn't protest, just lets Onni accept the responsibility for his bad behaviour and promise not to do it again. Promise to let himself be called out if he even tries to. Reynir has become someone Onni can't allow himself to hurt, he's too important, he means too much to him.

And Reynir is looking at him with that quiet, sad, vulnerable expression on his face and asking if he can have a hug. Onni blinks, for a moment, and then pushes away the pot he's working on, shifts closer and wordlessly reaches for the younger man, pulls him close against himself. Folds him into his arms and lifts a hand to curl his fingers into the thick hair at the back of Reynir's head, just above his braid. Closing his eyes, he presses his face against Reynir's shoulder and sighs softly while his other hand rubs gentle circles against Reynir's back.]

Thank you, for not blaming it on her. I mean that. And I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago. There was nothing else that you could have done differently to make any of it better, you understand?

[braidmage]

[ Reynir doesn't just hug Onni back - he sinks into the hug, clinging tightly, gripping Onni like he's afraid that he will be ripped away from him at any second. He hadn't expected this, this sudden surge of grief and guilt and complicated feelings. But he is so grateful Onni was here when it happened. And he lets himself seek comfort in those strong arms.

Burying his face against the curve of Onni's neck, Reynir's gives a brief nod in response to Onni's kind words. He is not crying, but his emotions are raw and close to the surface, his voice throaty with them as he says: ]

Okay. I understand.

[ And though his fierce grip loosens somewhat, Reynir doesn't move out of Onni's arms. He stays there, pressed in close to the warmth of him. The hurt doesn't go away - not all of it. Thinking about those awful days is still painful. But it's good, that they talked. Good that they understand one another a bit better. And good that Onni is here for him, supporting him, forgiving him. ]