[catch-all] i was highest by your warmth

[braidmage]

Who: Reynir + anyone
What: A catch-all!
When: February
Where: Anywhere!

[ Poke me at platoapproved#9602 on discord or platoapproved on plurk to plot something, or feel free to leave a starter!]

Comments

for onni

[braidmage]

[ A week can be a very long time.

It's been seven days since Lalli and Onni had both vanished. Neither had left word that they were going anywhere, but neither had taken any of their things, either. So, Reynir figured, that was a good sign. Even when Onni had left for Saimaa, he had left a note. It had been misleading, sure, but it had been something.

Besides, there is the presence of that talking owl of Onni's, still there in their home. Reynir makes sure she gets fed, gentles her when she seems worried, and he takes her presence as an indication that Onni will be back. He wouldn't leave her here, and if he had left permanently, surely she would go too, right?

Or maybe he is just kidding himself. He doesn't know. And he doesn't have anyone to ask.

Reynir keeps up good spirits until the evening of the sixth day. That night is quiet, too quiet, and he doesn't have it in him to keep himself from slipping into melancholy. He's never spent much time on his own. Reynir had lived with his family, and then he had been on the ship to Denmark, and then with the expedition. Here, though... he's alone. There are the friends he has made, but they aren't... his.

He looks for Onni everywhere in his dreams that night, and though his area is still there, there's no sight of him. Not even a feather. The seventh day he spends in silent woe, most of it up at the ranch, looking after Anne, or playing with Kisa, or cleaning the kitchen in a desultory fashion.

When Reynir hears the door opening to their quarters, his heart gives a lurch. He has imagined he heard someone returning, before now. He just stays still, listening for footsteps, for any indication that someone really is back... ]

[scowlish]

[While he'd been gone, Onni couldn't remember this place. The minute he wakes up in that room again, with the video playing, and ignores it until he can take the decontamination shower, he remembers everything about this place, and is very aware that he hadn't remembered it at home. It's strange, thinking about how memories can appear and disappear from his mind like that, strange and unnerving.

After he takes his shower and dresses back into his things, he leaves the 'welcome area' and settles down in one of the grassy patches to try to get his bearings, to wind all of the new things he's remembering from this place into the memories from home. It takes a while, sorting his mind out, filtering through the things he's experienced here and applying them to himself as he is now - he remembers finding out about Ami being a troll, about making friends with Cho and then being so angry at her, remembers doing magic with Cole and then meeting and working with some of the other spirits here, learning to feed Anne the lamb and how to do some of the work at the farming area. He remembers everything that had happened when Lalli had a fever, how exhausted and wounded he'd been; remembers crying with Reynir on several occasions, remembers telling Lalli he loved him and losing his memory and being a kid in his mind, remembers being trapped in a bubble and kissing Reynir, remembers...his feelings for Reynir changing.

It takes a while to ruminate through all of it and digest it. After being alone for so long back home, or at least mostly alone, it's strange to be back in this place and to know that Reynir and Lalli and that cat and Anne are probably here somewhere. For a while, he's quiet, letting that feeling of longing and loneliness and isolation percolate inside of him before he feels ready to get up and go back home. The apartment he shares with Reynir and Lalli, here, in Anchor, covered in runes and occasionally messy and smelling of them and their food and the animals they've kept there. The only place he's really felt at home in for a long time. By the time he's standing up and moving, he's feeling shaky and eager and excited to see his people, the people he cares about.

A few minutes later and he's at the apartment door, takes a breath and opens the door, steps inside and locks it behind himself.]

Reynir? Lalli?

[His voice is a little hoarse from disuse, he's a little thinner, his hair is longer and still a little messy and damp from the decontamination showers, he still needs a shave, and he's carrying a bow and arrows he hadn't had before, but he's all in one piece and anxious to see everyone.]

It's Onni.

[braidmage]

[ Reynir knows it is Onni, returned, the moment he speaks aloud. He knows that voice so well by now, would recognize it anywhere. He doesn't need to hear Onni's name to know and so he's already moving out of the kitchen and towards the door, and by the time Onni has said his name it's only a second more before Reynir collides with him, drawing him into a fierce, tight hug.

It's only now, right at this moment, that he lets himself really feel it. How terrified he'd been that Onni wouldn't come back. How much he'd come to rely on Onni, in this place. He's no longer just this unattainably cool, powerful guy that Reynir desperately wanted to remember who he was. He's Onni, with all his sharp edges and his grief and stupid habits and soft smiles and all the cooking and fussing and he's a part of Reynir's life. And he had thought Onni might be gone for good. ]

I didn't know if you were coming back.

[ Reynir hadn't even let go of the faintly damp cloth he'd been using to wipe down the cabinet, and he shows no sign of doing so as he clings to Onni, burying his face in Onni's shoulder (and noticing as he does the small changes, how long and scratchy Onni's stubble has gotten, that his hair is a bit longer, that he's a little thinner, that he smells very subtly different. ]

Lalli isn't here. He vanished the same time that you did. I figured you two must be together...

[ Reynir has learned from talking to others here that these sorts of movements can be unpredictable, that even time can play tricks. Onni just... doesn't feel like he's only been gone seven days. So Reynir asks, in increasingly worried tones: ]

How long were you gone? Where did you go? Are you okay - you aren't... injured or- nothing bad happened?

[ Kisa is curled up close by the door, on top of a shelf, her tail waving lazily, utterly unmoved by Onni's appearance. ]

[scowlish]

[Before he can even finish saying his name, Reynir is barreling out of the other room and into him, wrapping his arms around him and hugging him hard, burying his face into his shoulder. Onni wraps his arms around him in return and squeezes, closing his eyes and sighing softly as he presses his face against Reynir's shoulder in return, suddenly exhausted, both emotionally and physically.

Reynir says that he didn't know if Onni was coming back, and then that Lalli isn't here, that he'd disappeared at the same time Onni had.]

Mm. Well, I suppose I did come back. Maybe he stayed behind. It's probably better for him that way.

[His voice is soft, a little rough still, but he keeps squeezing Reynir, holding him close. The familiar smell of him is nice, and it's strange and a little overwhelming and good to be hugged after being alone for so long. His hand moves idly up and down the length of Reynir's back and he exhales a long sigh of something between contentment and exhaustion as he does so. Reynir keeps talking, as he usually does, and that little hint of fondness is new and somehow easier to accept now than it had been before he'd gone back home.]

It's been a month or so. I haven't kept track. I'm not injured or anything, I wouldn't...say anything bad happened. I was by myself in the Silent World, but nothing happened.

[braidmage]

[ Reynir tries to keep his voice light and happy, but his attempt at nonchalance is a failure; he clings tight to Onni, his whole body trembling faintly. He is overwhelmed with relief at Onni's return, and there's no hiding that.

He registers, with silent surprise, that Onni isn't shocked and worried to hear that Lalli is gone, too. That doesn't make sense, until Onni explains further, that he had, apparently, gone back, to their home world, and Lalli as well, and Onni is the only one who had come back here. It's... a lot to take in, but in some ways it is a relief. Onni hadn't been in some other unknown place, in danger or on his own.

No. He'd been on his own and in danger in a known place. ]

So - so it's been a month since you saw me?

[ Onni's hand moving against his back is soothing, and Reynir stays here, pressed close to him, long after he knows he probably ought to pull away. But his mind is reeling. Carefully, he asks: ]

So you were taken back to our world. And you... kept going, and didn't go looking for me? Even in the dreamspace?

[ He doesn't know, yet, about Onni's memories, about how any of it worked. He is just surprised at how much it hurts; thinking that after everything they've been through together, Onni hadn't wanted to find him. Had kept on going all on his own, towards almost certain death.

Swallowing, he explains: ]

It's only been a week, here. You and Lalli were just... gone, one day. There wasn't even a note or anything. But your owl was here, so - I hoped. But I wasn't sure.

[scowlish]

[Onni doesn't realize, at first, that Reynir hadn't realized he went back home, that he'd just ended up in this place after being there for a month or so, let alone realizing that Reynir doesn't know he hadn't remembered this place while he was back there. So it's a little surprising that Reynir sounds so hurt when he asks if it's been a month since he saw him, when he asks in that small voice if he'd gone home and kept going without looking for Reynir, even in the dreamspace.

For a second, Onni is quiet, then he tightens his arms around Reynir and closes his eyes, buries his face into his hair.]

Yes. I went back to our world, and it had been more than a month since I'd seen you. Probably closer to one and a half, or two. Like I said, I wasn't really keeping track. But when I was there, I didn't remember being in this place.

[For another moment, he's quiet, and one hand falls still, fingers closing into the fabric at the back of Reynir's shirt and holding on tightly.]

I was by myself. I didn't remember opening up to you or any of the things that happened here, with you and me, or with Lalli. I only remembered what happened before I came here. If I would have known all the things I learned here, I would have turned back to meet you and the others.

[His voice is a little rough, he can feel the edge of tears in it, can feel the slight sting of them in his eyes.]

When I woke up here, it all came back. I remembered you taking care of me when I was upset and sick, and all the things that happened with Lalli, and learning to do magic with the spirits here, and the owl...and other things.

[A pause, and his voice is a little tight when he speaks again, holding back tears, because it's only now that he's back here, remembering what it was like to have Reynir as such a good friend, remembering how he feels about Reynir, that he realizes exactly how deep his loneliness had been in that time he was out in the Silent World. How lonely and full of grief he was. It's hitting him now, and it's hard not to cry a little.]

I'm sorry I worried you. I would have left a note if I knew it was going to happen.

[A pause, and then, particularly strained, tight and a little raw from trying not to cry.]

As soon as I came back, I realized how much I missed you.

[braidmage]

...Oh.

[ The hurt feeling twisting around Reynir's stomach loosens slightly. The fact that Onni hadn't remembered is a complication that he will need to think about more, of course. He doesn't know what it means for their future, why the gods would do such a mysterious thing. But a part of him, he can't deny, is glad. Before, it had felt a little like ... well, like everything they've been through, how close they've gotten, like it all meant nothing to Onni.

Onni keeps talking, then. Saying that if he had remembered, he would have turned around and rejoined the rescue party. Reynir can't hold in the hitched sigh of relief he lets go of after that. It's not just his ego - though of course, it's important to him that he means something to Onni. But for a moment, he had been worried that Onni was still harboring that intensity of self-destructive sadness. That despite the progress they've made, given the opportunity, he will still hurl himself alone towards danger, because he hates himself that much, because his grief is that strong, because some part of him doesn't want to be alive.

Then Onni starts summarizing the things that had happened here, and though Reynir had lived through all of them, it's strange hearing them laid out in that way, like a story. He wonders what those other things are, for a moment the unprompted thought surges up in his memory, of kissing Onni under that mistletoe, the feel of his lips and the way Onni had looked at him when he'd pulled away...

But he doesn't mean that. He almost certainly doesn't. What a stupid thought. Reynir shoves it away, tries not to look at the strange mix of elation and fear and knowing and not knowing that is coalescing inside him.

As soon as Onni starts apologizing, Reynir is shaking his head, pulling away enough that he can look at Onni. He still stands close, though, and he lifts his hands to brush some of the hair from Onni's face. It's still damp - from the decontamination shower, Reynir realizes - and longer than he remembers. Those cheekbones that he knows so well are standing out more in Onni's face, and Reynir thinks with a jolt that it's probably been a while since he had a decent meal. His hands are feather-light and full of tenderness as he brushes touches across Onni's cheeks and chin, before reluctantly dropping his hands, knitting them together nervously in front of him. ]

I missed you, too. It wasn't as long, but - it was so quiet here, without you.

[ He shouldn't say more, probably. He doesn't want to make Onni feel guilty, especially since it sounds like he'd had no control over this. But Reynir finds the words spilling from him before he's ever made the decision to speak. ]

I hated it. I hated being here without you. I - could've gone and spent time with Kieran or- Genji or Ami or whoever, but I just. Didn't. You were the one I wanted to talk to.

[ Reynir's eyes are almost impossibly green, lingering on Onni like he's afraid if he looks away, Onni will vanish again. ]

[scowlish]

[The way Reynir looks at him when he pulls back and shakes his head and touches his hair and his face makes something twist up in Onni's gut, and he exhales shakily. His eyes are still a little red-rimmed and wet, but he's not crying, just looking Reynir in the face, and seeing the warmth and tenderness and care that he's so rarely seen in his adult life. The touch feels like it's satisfying a physical need that's been left neglected for too long, long enough that he'd forgotten he even had that need. And it's not nearly enough, just those touches and Reynir's expression and his eyes as he says he hated being here without him.

It's still surreal to hear someone say that he, specifically, is the person they wanted to talk to. Tuuri had said it, on occasion, when serious things were happening in her life, but no one else has wanted him around so singularly, in the way Reynir does. And it had been annoying at first, felt intrusive and grating, like something rubbing a raw nerve, but he realizes now, in retrospect, that the nerve had been raw from years of pain and loneliness, and it's Reynir who'd helped him realize that. Reynir, being so relentless about wanting to be around him and wanting to be his friend and wanting to listen to him and care for him.

So when Reynir drops his hands, Onni lifts both of his and cups Reynir's face with them, holding his jaw gently, leans in to rest his forehead against the younger man's, eyes sinking closed. His breath is a little shaky still, and he can remember it, the way it felt to have Reynir's mouth on his, or on his shoulder and neck, in that bubble. In this moment, where the things that had seemed important before don't anymore, where he feels like all of this could disappear from his life at a moment's notice, it doesn't seem so urgent to keep all of it bottled down. So he leans back and meets Reynir's eyes, still holding his jaw, his thumb shifting to brush against his lower lip.]

I came back, and I remembered everything, and I realized I need you.

[It's quiet, his voice is a little rough, but it's decisive. Certain. His gaze is unwavering, he holds eye contact.]

There are other things changing...inside me, because of you. It isn't just learning to say what I'm feeling or that it's alright to cry. It's needing, too. Wanting.

[A pause, and he takes a shaky breath.]

Wanting you.

[braidmage]

[ Even as Reynir's mind is struggling to catch up, his body seems to know, by instinct or signs too small for Reynir to consciously register them, the shift that has happened. When Onni holds his face like that, thumb just brushing his lips, Reynir's body is alight. Goosebumps run down his arms and his heart is off, racing quick and frantic against his ribs. That feeling in his chest is bigger than ever, aching and intense, even if Reynir doesn't know the name for it, quite yet.

Onni needs him. Onni is looking at him, with those pale blue eyes, and it's torment, it's divine.

He doesn't understand what Onni is building up to - because there is a momentum in some direction, some point he is coming to. Reynir doesn't know, even at the same time that, somewhere in the back of his mind, he is starting to wonder. The tiniest, trickling feeling of, oh, maybe...

But he could be wrong, he could be so wrong. Reynir's head is spinning, and he's hardly breathing, but he manages to ask, voice so soft: ]

You want me?

[ He didn't mean for the words to come out so disbelieving, so tinged with desperate, impossible hope. Reynir doesn't want to be wrong. Suddenly, and with the force of a tidal wave hitting the shore, he wants for Onni to want him. There's no denying it now, how wretched this last week has been. How all Reynir could think of the whole time was wanting Onni back. He's never felt that way, before. Not about anyone. He had never missed someone so much, never had them occupy his mind so singularly.

When Onni wasn't around, it had felt like there was an emptiness inside him. One that nobody else could fill. Reynir looks at Onni, hopeful and soft and totally vulnerable, realizing how very badly he wants to kiss him, right at that moment. ]

[scowlish]

[The words are out of him, and for a moment he feels that clawing panic and shame that comes after any time he talks too deeply or too openly about his feelings, exposes his vulnerability. But there's an element of relief as well, like the emotional equivalent of pulling out a splinter. Now all that's left is to see what Reynir thinks of it and then to lick whatever wounds come of the interaction afterward.

Reynir just looks back at him with a vulnerable sort of expression, and Onni wonders again how he can live while being so soft, so open and exposed. He doesn't laugh or brush it off or insist that friendship is what he wants, or even misunderstand what Onni had said. He just repeats it back as a question, sounding surprised and hopeful, and Onni lets out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. One of his hands slides back into Reynir's hair, the fingers of it carding into the thickness of it, and the other stays in place on his jaw, that thumb still against his lip.

Still looking at him, studying his face with his pale eyes, expression grave and serious, Onni nods.]

Yes. I want you. I thought so, for a while before I left, but now I'm sure.

[braidmage]

[ Reynir shivers at the feeling of Onni's hand in his hair, hard enough that there is no way that Onni will be able to miss it. His face is hot, and he knows he must be flushed underneath all his freckles, that in a dozen small ways his body is giving away just how intense his emotions are at this moment.

Heart caught in his throat, Reynir still can't really believe what he is hearing. Onni wants him. Onni wants him, like this. Not only just now, but he has for a while. Reynir immediately wonders when, how, how come he never knew before. But before he can even start answering those questions, he needs to make absolutely sure that they are on the same page.

So he gathers all his bravery, and his recklessness, and his love, and he closes the distance between them, movements slow, deliberate, a kind of question in themselves. He brushes the tip of his nose against Onni's, alert for any sign of surprise, or disgust, or even hesitation. Cautious, questioning, Reynir looks Onni in the eyes and breathes: ]

You mean... like this, right? You don't- you don't mean just. As friends, do you?

[ There is that hope again, even more fragile and desperate this time. Reynir's face is all yearning, all expectation. But there is a fear underneath, an uncertainty. It isn't a side Reynir lets all that many people see. To most everyone he is cheerful, uncomplicated, undaunted Reynir. The one who doesn't mind what you say to him, how you treat him, who is happy to just be included. But of course, there is more to him like that.

And in this case, with Onni, Reynir knows that a rejection would hurt. He might still be able to fake a smile, but it would cut deep. So he has to make sure, has to know with complete certainty, that he isn't making a fool of himself, for once. ]

Because I want you. I want... I want to kiss you. Is that... the kind of wanting you mean?

[scowlish]

[It is impossible to miss, the way Reynir shivers when he touches his hair, how flushed his face is, the look in his eyes and the way he's looking at him. It's hard, enduring the quiet while he waits for a response from the younger man, beyond the way he looks or a shiver, but he holds his breath and lets Reynir think about it. It must be surprising, he thinks, and probably Reynir needs to work out how to deal with it, how to respond, how to feel about it. After all, Onni isn't sure if Reynir has ever even thought about him in the way he's confessing to feeling.

And then Reynir steps in closer, brushes his nose against Onni's, and asks if he means it like this, says that he wants to be sure that Onni means this in a way that isn't just friends. It feels like an incredibly fragile moment, the way Reynir is looking at him, and his face doesn't like disgusted or confused or unhappy. He meets Onni's eyes with his own impossibly green ones and looks at him hopefully, with that fragile, vulnerable expression, and says that he wants to kiss him, asks if that's the kind of wanting he means.

The moment feels so delicate, so fragile and fraught that Onni is almost afraid to speak, because words so often make things difficult for him. He struggles to express himself, struggles to name his emotions, struggles to make those emotions understood to other people. Right now, he doesn't want to hurt Reynir by accident, not when he's this vulnerable. So instead of speaking, he just shifts his hands to the base of Reynir's skull and tilts his head, leans in and presses his mouth against Reynir's, eyes fluttering shut. That was what Reynir had said he wanted, to kiss, and it's what Onni wants too, so he does it.

Parting his lips, he works his mouth against Reynir's, hyperaware of every detail, the softness of his lips, the warmth of his mouth, the scent and taste of him. The truth is, his thoughts had often drifted back to the kisses in that bubble, and how much he'd enjoyed them. It's not something he's ever wanted from anyone else before, it was mystifying. It all makes sense now. After a few moments, he pulls back from the kiss and takes a soft breath, still very near to Reynir's face, their lips only a few millimeters apart.]

Yes. That's the kind of wanting I mean.

[It comes out a little breathless, barely above a whisper.]

[braidmage]

[ Reynir kisses Onni back, eager but gentle, overwhelmed by the suddenness of all this, but even more than that, by how right it feels. Everything in his mind and memories is shifting, changing in a new light. Reynir remembers all the times he'd held Onni when he cried, how much it had worried him, peeling back each new layer of grief and seeing how much he'd been hurt. He remembers teaching Onni to feed Anne and that warm glow of happiness he'd felt seeing how careful Onni was with the fragile, baby creature. He remembers being high, laying on top of Onni and how his whole body seemed to sing with happiness. Every laugh, every smile of Onni's, and how good he had felt being the source of them.

He moves his mouth against Onni's, breaths coming fast and shallow, lightheaded and so happy he feels like he might float off the ground. Right now, for him, this is anything but mystifying. It is like a fog has lifted and he sees clearly, now, for the first time in a long time, what he wants. What he's been wanting for some time.

When they pull apart, Reynir's eyes are dazed and glassy, but there is no mistaking his feelings when a smile starts to spread across his face, broad and dazzling. He laughs softly, pressing his forehead and nose against Onni's and saying, voice throaty with emotion. ]

Good. So... it isn't just me.

[ This time, it is Reynir who kisses Onni. He is less careful, more joyful, throwing himself into this with all that boundless, happy energy that makes him the person he is. He sets his hands against Onni's waist and kisses him, full of delight, and relief. ]

Onni - Onni - I'm so happy you're back - I missed you so much -

[scowlish]

[The kiss lasts a while, and for most of that time Onni wavers between enjoying it, enjoying the intimacy and the closeness and the feeling of Reynir's soft skin and hair under his hands, the taste of his mouth...and being painfully anxious. Because he doesn't know what he's doing, the only time he's ever kissed anyone is that time with Reynir, and he'd been bad at it then, he could tell.

But when Reynir pulls back from him, he just leans his forehead against his and smiles so brightly Onni thinks that he can feel the heat radiating from it. Onni's hands slide against Reynir's cheeks, he brushes his thumbs over his lower lip, and when Reynir says it's not just him, he feels some of the tension in himself release. For a moment, he's certain he's going to cry, certain he's going to just break down, because the feeling of someone close, who wants him and who missed him while he was gone - it's intense enough to almost be painful, everything aches. It's as if the emotion, both his own and what he can feel from Reynir, is rushing in to fill all the empty spaces inside him, and after such a prolonged period of being alone and unaware of how lonely he was, it's overwhelming.

Breath hitching, he lets his eyes fall shut, he struggles to keep his emotions in check, just closing his hands around the back of Reynir's neck and holding onto him like he needs him for balance, exhaling rough and shaky. He can feel the tears rising up, the way his breath catches at the tightness in his throat, the sting in the corners of his eyes.]

I missed you too. I think some part of me knew...knew I was missing something. More than leaving Lalli behind, or my family, or Tuuri. Not just those things, but something else. Once I got here, I knew immediately that it was you. I wanted to be around you, and hearing your voice, and watching you take care of the farm and the sheep and do chores around the house with you. I wanted to cook for you, and...

[He can't keep going, his voice choking off with emotion, eyes squeezed shut.]

[braidmage]

[ Reynir hears that hitch in Onni's breathing, and he can see the pain in his expression, in how he is holding his shoulders. Reynir knows him well, by now. He knows how it looks when Onni is hurting. And he knows just how much all this means, coming from Onni. He is not, Reynir knows, someone who gets close to people easily, or casually. When he notices tears starting to well at the corners of Onni's eyes, he brushes them away with his thumbs, gentle, understanding, not mentioning it aloud even though they both know Onni is crying.

Even though he might not be crying, Reynir is practically vibrating with emotion. He hadn't seen this coming, unlike Onni. But he knows, with absolute conviction, that this is right. The two of them together is right, the same way it felt right as soon as he realized he was a mage. This is how it should be. It's what he'd always wanted without even being able to recognize it on his own. ]

You're here, now. You can do those things. I'm with you and I'm not going anywhere and you aren't on your own any more.

[ His own voice cracks with emotion on that last part, and Reynir lets one hand slide down to rub faintly at the stubble on Onni's chin, then to gently feel his still-damp hair. ]

You must be so tired, from everything. Here, let's - let's sit, okay?

[ And gently, but firmly, he coaxes Onni to the couch, sitting him down and then joining him, close enough that their thighs are pressed together. There are a million questions Reynir wants to ask, about the time that has passed for Onni, about how he is doing, about the two of them. But the words won't come. So, with an unsteady sigh, Reynir buries his hands in Onni's hair once more and asks, with worry and fondness straining the words: ]

Are you sure you're okay and you don't need to go to the medbay or...?

[scowlish]

[It's nice, that Reynir doesn't draw attention to the fact he's crying, but still tends to him - Reynir seems to be overwhelmed with emotion himself, but he lifts his hands and brushes the tears away from Onni's cheeks, and looks at him like he cares, gentle and concerned. This...this is why he has feelings for Reynir, he thinks, because of his gentle care and concern and support. Reynir is soft in a way that both terrifies Onni and makes him feel safe, this precious vulnerable person that he needs to keep safe at all costs and who he's coming to realize he needs in his life. Who takes away some of the automatic perfunctory routine and fills empty spaces he hadn't entirely realized were there, adds richness and comfort and value to a life that had seemed alright before he realized how much it was missing.

It's been a long time since he's done much of anything, felt much of anything, embraced much of anything that wasn't necessary or focused on survival, or the survival of Lalli and Tuuri. Now Reynir is here and brushing his tears away and caring about him as a person and saying he isn't alone, worrying about how tired he must be, and it's almost painfully good.]

I am tired...

[Moving with Reynir, he sits down and the younger man sits next to him, their thighs touching, and Reynir goes back to touching his hair, touching his face and feeling the slight growth of his beard, the coarseness and dampness of his hair. Fussing over him. Worrying. Because he cares what happens to Onni.]

But I don't need the medbay or anything. I just need to rest for a while, somewhere safe. It's been a long time.

[Lifting his hand, he cups Reynir's cheek and brushes a thumb over his lip again, the gesture a bit hesitant and awkward, but genuine.]

[braidmage]

Okay. Then let's rest. You're safe, here.

[ Reynir gestures to those runes, covering the walls, the ceiling, the door. The Anchor itself may contain dangers, but none (as far as Reynir knows, anyway) have ever gotten into this place. It's their little sanctuary, that they made together. And now, with Onni here again, it feels full once more.

It's the middle of the day, but what does that matter? Time doesn't seem to exist right now, inside the walls of their apartment. Which couldn't be more of a difference, Reynir realizes, to the way it was while Onni was gone. Reynir was so aware of time, then. He counted it, miserly and wretched, tallying up the days and hours and minutes that he'd been robbed of Onni's presence... ]

I haven't been getting a lot of sleep, these last few days. And I... sort of don't want to let you out of my reach right now. Kinda afraid you'll vanish again if I do.

[ Reynir sucks in a quick breath and goes on, voice stronger, words coming quickly and with an almost ferocious conviction ]

And don't even think about apologizing. It wasn't your fault. I know you didn't mean to leave me, so don't you even start worrying about that.

[ Because Reynir knows how Onni's mind works, how he sees himself as responsible for the people he cares about. And he supposes that, for a variety of reasons, Onni might feel that way about him, in particular. After all, Onni cares about him (even thinking it sends a thrill of happiness through him). But there are other factors, too. He is younger than Onni. He is a less experienced mage. He has had to beg Onni for help - in small and huge, life-threatening situations - in the past. He grew up in safety, sheltered from the horrors of the world.

Reynir gives a little nod, towards his own bedroom. Onni's might remind him too strongly of Lalli's absence, and besides, Reynir wants to invite Onni in, to this place that is particularly his. To show him he is welcome. ]

Grab your pjs and join me?

[ Reynir is acutely aware that Onni probably hasn't slept in comfortable clothes, in a dry, warm bed, in a long time by his reckoning. He can't think of any better place for the both of them to relax, to (his heart stutters) maybe kiss a little more, to talk and just be close to one another. ]

[scowlish]

[When Reynir gestures to the runes, Onni nods, pale eyes flicking to the marks on the walls and then back to Reynir's face. He still has his hand on Reynir's cheek, his thumb brushing against his lip, but he lets it drop when Reynir says he hasn't been getting a lot of sleep, and that he doesn't want to let Onni out of his sight. He's about to apologize when Reynir tells him not to, and his eyebrows raise.]

Well, I won't apologize, then.

[It's quiet, and there is still a hint of apology in it, he can't help that, but he agrees with most of what Reynir said, anyhow. That he doesn't want to be out of Reynir's reach or sight, that he doesn't want to be alone, and that this place is safe. He feels safe here, even moreso when Reynir is around him, and so when Reynir says that he should grab his pajamas and join him in his room, Onni nods again, lets out a deep sigh of relief at the thought of it. Reaching out, he takes Reynir's hand and leans in to kiss the corner of his mouth again, quick and silent, before letting go and heading back into his room. It's still easy to navigate it, and he finds his pajamas quickly - just an oversized, comfortable long-sleeved T-shirt and some flannel pants - then crosses the common area.

After a soft knock on the edge of the doorframe, he slides into the room and pulls off his fur cape and the pack he'd been carrying his things in, slides his shirt off and replaces it with the soft one he'd brought from his room. There's no performance in it, Reynir has seen him naked often enough in the sauna and there's no reason to feel any differently about this, he thinks. So a few moments later, he's changed into his soft, comfortable, dry lounging clothes, and glances back up at Reynir.]

Same bed?

[braidmage]

[ Reynir changes with a similar lack of self-consciousness; more than feeling aware of the fact that Onni might be looking at his body, he is just enjoying Onni's presence in the room. His pajamas are closer-fitting than Onni's, some very soft leggings and a long-sleeved shirt with little holes he can hook his thumbs through, to keep the sleeves from getting pushed up at all.

When Onni asks if they will be in the same bed, a grin spreads over Reynir's face, fond and just a touch amused: ]

Well, yeah, that's the point.

[ Then, because he thinks he sees some awkwardness starting to show in Onni's posture, he makes it easy for him, sitting down on the bed first and reaching over to Onni, tugging at his sleeve to pull him after. The bed isn't huge, but there is enough room for the two of them. Reynir gets himself tucked under the blankets, waits for Onni to settle, too, then throws them over him as well.

He scoots closer to Onni in the bed, the sheets still cool, though he knows they'll soak up their body heat soon enough. Voice soft, Reynir asks: ]

I'm - gonna kiss you some more, now, if that's alright with you.

[ And, when he has the okay from Onni, Reynir moves closer still, slipping one leg between Onni's comfortably, hand coming to rest at the dip of Onni's waist. He kisses Onni's cheek, mouth trailing soft, open-mouthed kisses down to his jaw and then his neck. Really, some part of him had been wanting to do this again ever since they were stuck in that bubble, but it wasn't something he'd let himself want, at least, not on the surface. Sighing a huge sigh of satisfaction, Reynir sucks lazily at the point just where he can feel Onni's pulse racing away. It is evident, from his lack of hesitation, that this is something he wants badly, and that he has some experience in doing this. ]

[scowlish]

[It's comforting and comfortable to be in this situation with Reynir, who feels familiar and safe, and Onni trusts him now, not to judge him when he's vulnerable. Changing isn't particularly vulnerable, but the rest of this whole situation is. Onni has never had romantic feelings for anyone before, and certainly never confessed anything like that to another person. He isn't sure how they're meant to proceed now, or what all of it means, and the hesitation shows clearly in his voice when he asks if they're going to share a bed.

Once Reynir has changed into soft leggings and a long-sleeved shirt, he crawls into bed, and gives Onni's sleeve a tug. It's obvious enough that he knows what he's doing, so Onni follows his lead, moving easily over to the bed and slipping in under the covers. He's shared a bed plenty of times before, with people he was camping with, or with various family members, but never in this context, and so there's a few moments of awkwardness while he tries to position himself properly. He ends up lying half on his back, half on his side so it's easy to look at Reynir but still comfortable.

The bed feels like heaven, soft underneath him, and after a couple of months of sleeping on the ground in the wet and cold of Finnish nights, on edge and barely able to get more than a few hours here and there because there was no one to keep watch, it feels like sinking into clouds. Softly, in spite of himself, he groans, lets his eyes sink shut, and lets Reynir scoot in closer, slip a leg between his and press close, pulling the blankets over them. When Reynir says he's going to kiss him more, Onni opens one eye and then both, nodding his permission.

He doesn't know where he would start if he were initiating this, so it's a bit of a relief Reynir does. But the Icelander doesn't kiss his mouth again, he just trails kisses down his cheek and jaw, over the stubble there and down to his throat and neck. Making a soft noise of contentment, Onni tilts his head back, allowing Reynir more space to explore, and lifts a hand to rest against the small of his back. He'd thought they would talk more, that they'd have to discuss what's going to happen now, but Reynir seems to know exactly what he wants, and it feels so good in a soft bed with a warm person next to him, and the soft press of Reynir's mouth against his pulse point, sucking slightly, that he doesn't protest at all.]

Ah...that feels nice.

[It's a little hesitant, cautious, but he works his hand a little, rubbing against the small of Reynir's back.]

I thought about when you did this before, in the bubble. Afterward, I mean.

[braidmage]

[ They will talk; Reynir is certain of that. But he can hear the relief in the sound Onni makes when he lays down, and he can feel the awkwardness and tension bleeding out of Onni, bit by bit, as he mouths at his neck. Reynir's instincts are telling him, now, that the talking is best left for when they are both feeling a bit hazier, a bit happier, a bit more relaxed. So he hums a little noise of approval when Onni rubs at his back, and gently scrapes his teeth against Onni's skin. ]

You did?

[ Reynir's voice is soft, surprised, but there's no mistaking the delight there. He hadn't realized. Lips brushing warm against Onni's skin, he says: ]

I - I actually felt bad about it. About going so far, and getting so into it, since I thought... you were just tolerating it because you had to, and nothing more. Whenever I remembered what happened I sort of. Felt guilty. The way you looked at me when we were free... I mean I just assumed. I thought you were unhappy.

[ In hindsight, though, perhaps he had read Onni's expression completely wrong. Perhaps that quiet look had been realization, or confusion, or even perhaps unhappiness because he was already into Reynir and didn't know how to say so. The whole memory is so blurry and confusing from being handled too much, from all the times Reynir had dissected whether or not he'd messed up, there.

Reynir brushes fingertips across the small hairs at the back of Onni's neck. Quietly, he says: ]

I like making you feel nice. You should keep telling me when stuff feels nice, so I know.

[ That might be the sort of thing that goes unsaid for others, but Reynir knows that communicating his own desires, asking for things, these aren't Onni's strong suits. So perhaps if he phrases it like this - asks for Onni to at least announce it when things feel good for him. Because Reynir can misread the signs. That is clear, now. ]

[scowlish]

[Right now, it's probably better this way. Onni has never been good with words, and he's already expressed a lot of the things that have been secret inside him for some time now. His well of words seems dry, at least the words he would use to communicate what he's feeling. Combined with how tired he is, how good it feels to lie down somewhere soft and warm, his brain feels a little disconnected from expressing himself properly in words.

The fact that Reynir is lying against him, that just gently rubbing his back makes him let out that contented sort of sound while he keeps kissing his neck makes it easier. It's easier to express his affection and interest by resting his palm against the small of Reynir's narrow back, by trailing his fingers up the curve of his spine, by making soft little noises of contentment himself. When Reynir responds to him, he opens his eyes and looks up at the younger man, searching his face, brows furrowing a little.]

I wasn't unhappy. I was a little confused, because I'd kissed people before. Not often, but a few times when I was in my very early teens and everyone was doing it. Everyone seemed so excited about it, and when I tried it was...

[He makes a noise that's the verbal equivalent of a shrug. Ambivalent.]

I didn't see the appeal. But with you it was different. I liked it a lot. So I was confused afterward, I didn't know what to think. That's probably what that expression you saw was.

[Reynir's fingers brush against the nape of his neck, just against the baby hairs there, sensitive and delicate, and Onni shivers slightly, meeting Reynir's almost painfully green eyes.]

Then you were doing chores for me and noticing how difficult things were for me and I realized what the difference was between you and the people I kissed when I was fourteen. I didn't intend to mention it to you, though. I didn't think there was any chance you felt the same.

[braidmage]

[ Reynir stops mouthing at Onni's neck around when he pauses in that way and then says he had never seen the appeal of kissing, before. He shifts, adjusting enough that he is eye-to-eye with Onni, the tips of their noses just brushing. From this close, Reynir can see every eyelash, can stare into the icy blue of those gorgeous eyes.

But even as he shifts from kissing to talking for a few moments, his hands are not idle. He keeps stroking Onni's hair, fingertips trailing down to run over the skin of Onni's neck, touching the shell of his ear, little exploratory movements to see what makes him shiver. ]

So you never dated anybody before?

[ There was a time when it would have surprised Reynir, but he knows Onni too well for that, now. He knows that his life was almost entirely devoted to looking after his sister and his cousin. That he'd essentially become a single parent at the age of 15. So... that didn't leave the time or privacy for the sort of bucolic romance that had provided drama and entertainment to Reynir's teen years.

His heart is beating fast, and he can feel his face flush with happiness when Onni talks about falling for him, coming to realize it. Voice soft and uncharacteristically shy, Reynir asks: ]

What... was the difference?

[ All he wants right now is to know what it was, why Onni had chosen him, what he'd done right, so he can do that more, make sure this isn't just a fleeting thing. After all, just because Onni likes him now isn't some kind of guarantee he will continue to. Reynir is all too ready to think of himself as someone who tires people out. He wants to avoid that with Onni. Very badly.

When Onni says he assumed Reynir wouldn't feel the same, he huffs a soft laugh, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he presses his forehead forward against Onni's. ]

That's what I thought about you. I - it just seemed impossible you could ever feel that way about me. I didn't even dare to hope. I didn't let myself even imagine being with you because I just thought...

[ But words are failing him once more and Reynir presses a soft kiss to Onni's lips, and it is all gratitude and adoration and warmth. ]

[scowlish]

[When Reynir stops moving against his throat and lifts his head a little to look Onni in the eye and asks his question, Onni makes a little 'mm' in his throat.]

No. I never dated before. I never wanted to.

[It hadn't just been the way things had gone after his family died, hadn't just been because he was too busy and preoccupied with looking after Lalli and Tuuri while trying to maintain a job at 15 years old. It had also been a complete lack of interest - he'd never really found any kind of draw in all the complicated romantic tangles people had gotten themselves into, never really found anything compelling about the hushed sex he'd heard people having. Never really wanted to join in with any of it.

This is different. He likes how it feels to have Reynir lie on top of him and kiss his neck and smile at him the way he does. When Reynir asks him why it's different, the complexity of why it is really hits Onni. Making a soft noise in his throat, he idly presses Reynir's braid between his fingers and looks up at him, meeting his eyes. They're so close he can feel Reynir's breath against his mouth, and it's very nice.]

I think, because of who you are.

[Onni tilts his head against the pillow, holding eye contact with Reynir for a few moments, searching his face and trying to work out how to put it in words.]

You're...kind and attentive and gentle. I don't know how you can function and live while being as soft and open as you are, it's a sort of strength I don't understand. I like to see it, though. I like how you move through the world and how you look at it. I like how you think of me, and how you think of other people.

[A shrug, and he lets his eyes fall shut as Reynir presses a kiss against his mouth, and it's something warm and soft in a life that's been hard and cold for a very long time.]

I understand why you would think that. This is the first time I've felt this way about anyone.