redshiftlogs | Open: A Kindness to soothe the hurts

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Open: A Kindness to soothe the hurts

Cole is what he is because of what he does and so what he does is try and help.

He doesn't understand electricity, or computers, or what 'genes' are. He can't cook because he doesn't eat and he barely recognises the robots as existing because they lack the thing that makes him realise they're real.

So he lets himself sit, quiet and open and he listens for the hurts he can help. The things that need soothing and the emotional wounds that fester and need lancing and the aches that just need airing to begin healing.

And when he hears it, he follows.

OOC: (Cole is a spirit of Compassion and has an instinctively understanding of what is troubling people and what might help them recover. This can be as simple as listening to someone talk, or as complex as setting up a situation that would allow them to relax and forget about it for a while.

If your muse needs (or wants) some kindness, leave a top level and Cole will come to help.)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"It's what I am." He perches himself on a stack of books, not looking at Peter anymore, watching his own feet. One toe pokes through a hole in the thin leather of his shoes.

"I'll help you ignore it if you really want, but if you keep ignoring it, it will kill you. Not your body, but it will kill the person you are for someone else." He tilts his head slightly, ear towards Peter.

Oh my God HE CAN READ ME LIKE A BOOK is absolutely what Peter's thinking right now. Feeling? Kind of both? He can't tell the difference anymore oh God.

Okay. Okay, this is weird, but Peter's dealt with weirder. Weirder and more threatening. So, this isn't super bad. Invasive, maybe? But maybe he needs some kind of weird, mind-reading therapy session thing right now? This dude seems to think so. So. Fuck it, YOLO, let's roll with this crazy shit.

"So- so I'd... essentially be double dead, cool. Okay, definitely don't want that. I just- y'know, I don't think I know what I really want? I mean, I guess I do, but what I really want is something I can't have, so it... it feels pointless to sit here and- and be all upset over it, you know?"

And hey, that was already a lot more words than he was expecting to sit here and toss at this guy. Progress? This probably counts as progress.

"Like, I have people here to look out for. If I don't have my head in the game like, all the time, something bad could happen. If I get caught up worrying about myself like that, I just... I don't know, it-- I... I just don't know, man."

"You're not dead. You died, but you're not dead. I died, but I'm not dead." If Peter were dead, Cole couldn't do this with him.

"If you were upset about things you could change, that would be pointless, because you could change it and should do that rather than just being upset. But you can't change this, so grieving it makes sense. You've lost so much, over and over, if that isn't worth your grief, what is? Don't those losses deserve mourning? I grieved for Cole's death for a long time. Sometimes it still aches."

He feels it sometimes. The loneliness, the hollow ache deep in his gut, the taste of moss on his tongue.

"Bad things happen. Doesn't matter if you watch or not. Other people make their choices to be cruel, just like you make yours to save them. You can't control the world, or other people, and nothing you do will change that. If you try to make them behave how you want, you become them. You care. You act out of care. That's more than a lot of people ever do. It's not all on you, Peter Parker. Just like it wasn't all on Tony, even if he thought it was."

He's fully aware of everything that he's lost, but somehow having it acknowledged by someone else makes it feel more real. Like, it's not just a thing he can sweep under a rug and hide away, it's something that someone else can see and point out to him and say 'face your issues you dumb dick'.

For now he just nods. It's kind of hard to reply with how tight his throat feels at the moment, and he has to pause to wipe at his eyes again anyway, so. Just a nod for now. Until this guy gets through the next part, anyway. There's the slightest hint of irritation when he brings Tony up, but it doesn't last long. At least, it isn't directed towards this guy for long. It sort of shifts towards Peter himself. "I just wanted to be like you,"
"I want you to be better," was this the kind of thing Tony was talking about? Kind of a 'hey Peter don't pick up my dumbass habits because I'm actually kind of a disaster'?

"...I mean, you're not wrong, I just... I guess I just feel lost? Kind of- kind of directionless? If I'm not trying to help people then I don't really know what to do with myself." If he's not seeking out all these distractions, he's dwelling on himself and, well. Ending up like he is right now.

"Good parents and mentors want us to be more than they were. Wynne wanted Rhys to be more than she was. Rhys wanted me to be everything I could, even when he thought I was a demon. Tony wanted you to be someone who didn't make the same mistakes he did. Someone... kinder. Someone who didn't have to hurt in the same ways."

Cole tucks his feet up so he can put his chin on his knees. "You can focus on helping people, I do. I was Compassion before I was Cole. But helping other people isn't the same as hurting yourself. And when you try to make yourself responsible for everything you can experience... you're just hurting yourself."

Peter has no idea who this guy is talking about, but he gets it. Everything Cole is saying makes sense, and Peter's mentally kicking himself for not realizing any of this stuff sooner.

He's probably not going to stop being a self sacrificing little boy scout, but maybe he'll tone it down a bit. He's no good to anyone else if he really is just hurting himself all the time, after all. Not that it's going to be an easy habit to break, but realizing that there's a problem is a good first step.

"Thanks. I-- not gonna lie, this has been really weird? But I... I think I needed this."

"Most people say I'm weird and time with me is weird. It's okay. I know weird isn't always bad." It is from Sera, but Sera hates him because he scares her, but she calls him 'him now, not 'it'.

"You did need it. That's why I gave it to you. It's hard to learn that suffering doesn't make you right or noble or mean you're helping. Suffering is just suffering. Helping is helping."

"I mean, in this case, I'd say it's a good weird."

Good Weird that this guy is just calling Peter out on all his dumb Peter bullshit and making him face it rather than just pretend that everything is fine all the time.

"I'm gonna work on that. I'm probably not gonna get it right away? Just, old habits die hard, y'know? But I'll work on it. And hey, you let me know if you ever need anything, okay?"

"I can't change you. I wouldn't if I could. I just want to help you." Cole gives a very small, blink and you'll miss it smile. "And I don't need things. But... thank you for wanting to help."

The last bit is spoken carefully, like someone has reminded him a lot that that is the proper response.

"Well, the offer's still there, regardless. I mean, even if it's as simple as wanting to just hang out and chat, that totally counts too."

Because Peter has decided that they are totally friends now. He's just gonna start collecting friends like Pokemon.

Almost as an afterthought, Peter holds a hand out to Cole to shake, if he's the hand shaking type. "Nice to meet you, by the way. You said your name was... Cole?"

He'd said a lot of stuff, but Peter's pretty sure he'd heard that part right.

Cole looks at the offered hand, up to Peter and then extends his hand slowly.

He's thin. Painfully thin. His skin is almost translucent in places, the nails grubby and broken, the fingers themselves calloused, but surprisingly strong as he grasps Peter's hand.

He doesn't shake. But he clasps, more like a medieval style greeting. "Yes. Cole. And you're Peter."

Y'know what Peter can roll with this almost-hand shake. He's not so sure he wants to try shaking such a frail looking dude anyway, but hey. Good grip!

"Yeah! I mean, I think you pulled that out of my head yourself, but yeah."

"Yes, I did." He lets go again and picks at the greying wraps again. They're almost as much threads as cloth by now.

Now that Peter feels a little better, has had the spiral of self doubt and hurt interrupted, Cole isn't sure what to do. He could just fade away, but it seems... rude.

It's that awkward part of the conversation when neither party is sure where to go next so they sit in silence for a minute. Peter is used to it, most of his conversations go like this.

"W-well, uh. If you have other stuff to do, don't let me keep you. Or, y'know, hang around and grab a book? There's some pretty weird stuff in here. Interesting, but weird."

"I don't. No one else needs me right now. I could go back to my storage cupboard, but I usually do that at night." When no one will need him for a few hours.

"I don't need a book. Why would I grab one?"

I mean that's weird bro. That's super weird. Storage cupboard, really?

"Books for uh, entertainment? Like, of you get bored? So- wait, do you not have a room?"

"Like Varric's stories." Varric's books, but he didn't like handling them, he prefered to listen to someone read. Like Cassandra, or Varric himself. "I don't know if I get bored. I have a storage cupboard I store myself in when there's nothing needs doing."

[I mean Peter has no idea who Varric is, so suuuuure?]

...Okay, um. That doesn't sound very comfortable, y'know? There are plenty of rooms open, why don't you move into one of those?

"I don't need a room. I don't sleep, so I don't need a bed. I don't own anything so I don't need to store anything!" He's quite proud of his logic.

YEAH that sure is some kinda logic, bro. But hey, Peter can roll with that. Like hey man, you do you.

"Hey, fair enough. If that's working for you, then more power to you."

Man though, not needing sleep would be like, the best super power.

"I don't sleep because I'm not a mortal person. But sleeping is part of self care for you. Your body needs sleep and you deserve to have the things you need."

Cole isn't comfortable talking about himself for long.

Oh God he's doing the not-quite-mind reading thing again. Peter will never have secrets again!!

"Ah... I mean, yeah, I need sleep? I just have a hard time gettin' to sleep sometimes."

"Yes. Lots of people at Skyhold had trouble going to sleep. Racing thoughts, shadows in shadows, is that an armoured footfall outside, where will we get enough elfroot to keep them all alive, the caravans are running late, the delegation is due tomorrow and the rooms haven't even been finished, let alone cleaned, the demons keep pouring through the rifts, why me, why is this-?"

He cuts off, shaking his head and pressing his hands to his eyes. "It was very loud sometimes. The Fleet was quieter, but that was because of all the space."

Peter can't relate with demons or delegations, but racing thoughts? Oooh yeah, he understands that way too well. Are the shields holding? Are there any radiation leaks anywhere that he hasn't found yet? Is anyone getting eaten by mutant space lizards right now? Did Kabal's stupid ass actually go to the Medbay like he said he would? There's almost always something on Peter's mind, and more often than not it's enough to get him out of bed to go take care of right now since he can't sleep anyway. It's exhausting, bro.

"Would you say it's loud here?"

"No. There's not enough people for it to be very loud. The Anchor is loud sometimes, during the Red Shift it screams and slices, but it's usually fairly quiet." He rocks back and forth a bit, thinking.

"There's other people with experience fighting and defending and looking after people. It's not all on you. If Kabal doesn't go to Medbay, that's on him, not you. He can make his own choices, even if you don't agree with them."

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