Death Reversed [semi-open]

[livingdeadgirl]

Who: Ami, Ben Hargreeves, otherwise open
What: Uncannily accurate tarot readings (there is no other kind)
Where: The park
When: Early September - thread with Ben takes place a few days before the open version, as Ami will need some time to process things.
Warnings: None currently
Format: Prefer brackets but prose is fine too!

Ami is in the park.

This, in itself, is not unusual. Apart from when it was overrun by mushrooms, she's been through the park a lot, especially in the evenings. It's the best place to look at that distant, unfamiliar sky. The openest place in the colony, where you can really feel like you're outdoors, and not... what's the word...

baseconfined.

But today, she brought along her backpack. And from inside it, she produces a box of tarot cards. These are nice cards, too. The backs are deep black with an almost velvety feel, and an intricate design in metallic silver ink.

She's found a nice, flat area to sit, and she's laid down a placemat she found somewhere so the cards won't get dirty. And with that, she begins shuffling the deck...


[ OOC NOTE: If you'd like Ami to do a tarot reading for your character, let me know whether you want it A) uncannily accurate or B) just random cards. If A, please hmu on Plurk or Discord (Kae#6067) to hash out the details! ]

Comments

[benhargreeves]

[ It's a good card. A much better one than the first, and even in some ways the second. A change of fortune might be a bad thing if any of his fortune up to this point had been good. Looking at the three of them, the narrative is so simple, clear. His start in life had been hard, beset by misfortune and hardship. He had been given a new beginning, a fresh start. And in the future there will be good luck, happiness, things to look forward to.

And this is something he has been thinking to himself, as he made plans in this place. To fix up the library. To teach Kieran to read. To teach Klaus's pet ferret tricks. To spend time with Peter. To help Cho or Pratt if they are ever in need. He has actually started looking forward to the future, and believing that good things can happen for him.

Which should be good. It shouldn't be terrifying. But it is.

He rubs at his neck, knowing he ought to be smiling, and grateful. He tries a small smile at least, and a somewhat weak: ]

Yay.

[ Ben's discomfort is a very still, very quiet thing. He meets Ami's gaze and gives a little shrug. He owes her at least a small explanation. ]

Sorry. I'm... just used to expecting the worst. Assuming... things are only ever going to get darker. It feels frightening. To hope for anything else.

[ He's rushing past it, he knows, and maybe she'll be curious and want to talk about it more, or maybe she'll be uncomfortable at his reaction and glad for the chance to move on. Squaring his shoulders he says: ]

Can we- do your reading now. Please.

[livingdeadgirl]

[ His tepid reaction puzzles her at first. It's a good fortune, isn't it? But the way he explains it is just... so sad. He wants to hurry on, but she can't just rush through and leave that unaddressed. ]

Well, hang on! You can't just say something like that and expect me to be like, "Oh, okay." [ Sheesh! Why are dudes like this!! ]

Look, Ben... [ She repositions herself a little, hands resting on her ankles. ] You've been through a lot, yeah? And now suddenly you're on an alien planet, and there's all these big unexpected changes, and you have to breathe again and stuff. So, like... it's okay to be scared. Anybody would. I would.

[ And she is! Frequently! But that's neither here nor there. ]

And, I mean... obviously the future is not set in stone. I can't say for a hundred percent sure that it'll get better. At least, it'd be naïve to say it'll only get better, all of the time. But... [ She shrugs. ] You're alive, right? Not everybody gets a second chance like that. I think, if it were me... I'd at least wanna give hope a try.

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben blinks, surprised that she doesn't let him get away with it. Not because she seems morbidly interested, but because she is actually concerned. He's so used to being the one who doesn't let other people deflect, who is giving the pep talks.

He drops his gaze immediately when she says he's been through a lot, like the sleeves of his hoodie are suddenly the most interesting thing in the world and he has to stare at them, rub them between thumb and forefinger; the fray in the cuff makes it clear this is a longstanding nervous habit.

She shouldn't be saying all this. Should be scolding him for being afraid of good things. It makes him ridiculous, and he knows it, and he dislikes himself so acutely at that moment for it. What kind of person feels relieved when they hear it's not going to be all good, all the time?

He waits until she is done speaking, silent, head slightly bowed. His eyes stray over to that last card. Destiny. He finds his words again: ]

I just. Don't get why I get a second chance. Not. Other people, who deserve it more.

[ Boy howdy there's a lot to unpack there. Ben is thinking specifically of Dave. Dave, who he doesn't even fucking know, really, but who he'd heard so much about from Klaus. Who might have been a soldier, but had never been a killer the way Ben had been since he was just a kid. If Dave had showed up here, mysteriously alive again, how much better would Klaus be doing?

He reaches out and takes that last card, plucking it up delicately and looking at it, as if there will be more answers inside. So much for this reading being a fun distraction to take his mind off his gloom.... ]

You're right. I know that. I owe it to... whatever brought me here to try.

[ He exhales, finally looking back up, an apologetic half-smile quirking his mouth. ]

Sorry. I - we barely know each other and I'm unloading all this gloom on you, and the truth is... I can't even remember your name from the last time we met.

[livingdeadgirl]

[ Ah... survivor's guilt, then? Or... what is it called if you also don't survive? Maybe that's just regular guilt. Ben's situation is certainly unique, but she can empathize, at least.

She's glad he seems willing to give it a try, though. Tarot may not actually have any mystical properties, but it's a lens through which you can view your own experiences, and focus your actions going forward. Hopefully he's at least found it helpful.

And while she's a little surprised at his apology, after a second she laughs. ]

Haha! That's okay, it happens! I'm Ami. Don't worry about it, though - sometimes you just need to vent, you know?

[benhargreeves]

Ami! I knew that.

[ He absolutely did not know that, and his tone of voice makes it clear that this is a joke, that he's pretending to cover for his faulty memory. Because even if she is right and everyone needs to vent now and then, Ben's not exactly good at it, or even practiced. Certainly not with anyone who isn't Klaus.

(Although... uncomfortable as the last few moments have been, he feels... a little better now, than when he had first sat down. A little less burdened. Maybe there's something to be said for the whole talking it out thing.

Ben nods to the cards and comments: ]

I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but that was, like, scary accurate. Is it always like that?

[livingdeadgirl]

Sometimes!

[ Mainly when it's narratively convenient! She takes back the three cards and returns them to the deck, then begins to shuffle it. ]

Personally, I think there's a little grain of truth in every card. Different arcana will resonate with you more strongly at different times, sure, but any reading will tell you something about your life. Think of the cards as sort of... windows to your inner self. Or something that means the same thing but sounds less cheesy.

So it's not so much about what you see, but why you see it. If that makes sense.

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben believes her, and he knows that perspective can do a lot, add a narrative to things which objectively are pretty random. Still, that reading... perhaps he would be less surprised if he had had other readings done to compare it to, but as is, he's a little unwilling to believe it was entirely randomness and then his own interpretation fitting it to his life. Not those first and second cards, anyway.

As she's shuffling, he asks: ] So, how did you get into tarot?

[livingdeadgirl]

Umm... [ She turns her eyes upward for a second, thinking. ] I guess it was when I first started hanging out with the goths at the mall, a couple years ago? This older girl, Nancy, taught me how to do it. She taught me a lot of this occult stuff, actually. But she takes it way more seriously than me. Nowadays she's huge into crystals and stuff, and like... even I know those are a scam.

[benhargreeves]

Yeeeaaaahhh.

[ And this small story - about her friends back home, the way they shared interests and shaped one another, is enough to draw a little smile out of Ben. He had never lived a life like that, but he's glad that Ami had. It sounds so normal. So nice. ]

I mean, I told you I have a brother who can talk to ghosts, and I've got another who can time travel and another who lived on the moon for a while, so I'm willing to believe in some crazy stuff. But crystals are definitely bullshit.

[ Then, impulsively: ]

Do you think you could teach me? After you do your reading for yourself? I mean, if you want...

[livingdeadgirl]

Sure, why not! That sounds like fun. But in return you have to tell me more about time travel bro and moon bro, okay? Because those both sound pretty wild!

[ And aside from computers, her life is, and has always been, super bland by comparison. She is sure she will continue to believe that indefinitely, barring some life-changing revelation within the next five minutes.

With the shuffling completed, she goes ahead and deals the three cards for her own spread. Ready? ]

[benhargreeves]

[ His smile is wider when she asks that, a little of that warmth and happiness that she'd seen in him the first time they met shining in through the gloom. ]

Sure, I'd be happy to. I've got brother stories for days. And sister stories. I mean one of my sisters is a celebrity who can mind control people. Wild is pretty much the baseline I'm used to.

[ God, he misses Allison.

Ben settles in, watching the easy way she handles the cards and lays them out. He looks up at her as she's about to flip them over, wants to see her initial reactions to what they are before he looks down at the cards themselves. ]

[livingdeadgirl]

Wow, yeah, I bet! Haha...

[ Mind control, too?? Geez, his family sounds incredible. But in the meantime, let's tarot! She takes a moment to center herself or whatever, then goes to the card on her left...

... but hesitates. Reconsiders for a moment, and flips the middle card instead.

A woman sits beneath a hand in a broken crescent. Water pours gently from the darkness. She reaches down to a shallow bowl of water, not quite touching the surface. She wears a ring, and so does the hand above her... oh, because they're the same hand! It's a detail Ami hasn't noticed before. Intriguing...

But the card's meaning is pretty spot-on, and her voice is quieter, thoughtful. ]

The Moon. Fear, anxiety, the subconscious mind. [ She pauses before adding: ] ... Repressed memories.

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben watches as Ami switches things up, changing her mind before she flips the card that, Ben had learned during his own reading, represents the past. She goes for the present instead, which is sort of a strange move, and Ben is of course immediately curious why she would do that. It didn't seem like this is the way she always does it, but a decision made at the last moment. And, thus, presumably for a reason. Whatever that reason is, she's not offering it to him unprompted.

And when she gives her explanation of the card, the words seem... laden. There's no surprise or amusement there, like she has gotten a card that completely doesn't fit at all. So, does that mean that it does suit her situation? Not just obliquely, with a lot of thinking it through and explaining? ]

My other sister had a whole thing with repressed memories. [ Which is Ben's way of prompting Ami for more information, or at least to say something. ] That's less of a fun story to share, though.

[ He looks between that moon card and Ami's face, head tilted to the side, interest and concern playing across his expression in equal measure. ]

Seems like... not the happiest card to get, for what's going on in your life right now?

[livingdeadgirl]

[ Wow. You know, I'm sure one day we'll find something about the Hargreeveses that doesn't directly apply to Ami and/or Aradia's experiences. She sighs and scratches her neck a little. ]

... Yeah, it's not the happiest card. I mean ... I'm not actively unhappy or anything, but I have had a lot on my mind lately. That's why I decided to do this in the first place.

[ Part of it goes without saying; getting trapped on an alien hellplanet does have a way of upsetting your proverbial applecart. It sure didn't remove any fear and uncertainty from her life. But that's not all there is to it. ]

A couple weeks ago, there was... I talked to this weird guy, and... it made me realize there was something super important I'd forgotten. But I've been thinking and thinking and I just - I can't figure it out. I can't remember. And I feel like... I have to remember. Even if it's nothing good.

[ Which she's fairly certain it is. There's a strong chance she'd be happier not knowing. But it's not mere curiosity driving her, not this time. ]

[benhargreeves]

[ There are just so many of them.

Ben listens, thinking that "not actively unhappy" is damning with faint praise when it comes to how Ami is doing at the moment. But he doesn't interrupt her, listening as she explains a precipitating event that seems to have led to her current situation. A small furrow forms between Ben's brows. He has read a lot, but nothing much about missing memories or the workings of the human brain. He knows how amnesia and repressed memories and all those things tend to work in novels, but that's not necessarily anything like the truth. ]

That would freak me out. Not knowing. I don't blame you for wanting to find out.

[ He thinks, privately, that there is no 'if' about it - whatever Ami's repressed in her brain can't be anything good, or why would her mind be defending itself from it, or why would anyone want to keep it from her, if there had been an outside influence.

Considering his words a few moments, he asks: ]

Are there any - conditions that make you feel close to remembering? Like, I mean, being in the dark or smelling ... apricots or anything like that? Sensory stuff that might give you a nudge?

[ Hey if something as small as a particular scent or sound is enough to trigger a vivid and terrible flashback (which Ben definitely knows it is), maybe it would be enough to help Ami get access to whatever her brain is hiding from her. ]

[livingdeadgirl]

[ Ami thinks hard about that for a few seconds, but then shakes her head. ]

Not that I can think of. Or... well, not exactly. It's more like... I never don't feel like that. It comes and goes, I don't think there's a pattern, but I sort of always feel like it's on the tip of my tongue.

[ Which makes it all the more frustrating. She just can't get over how afraid of her the guy was. She lives in you, sleeps in you. She has to get out. Abomination.

What did he see inside her that scared him so badly? Who did he see? ]

[benhargreeves]

[ Oh, well. It was worth a try. If she has no clues like that to go on, Ben really hasn't got any idea how he might help her - even though he does want to. She's nice, and anyways no one deserves to feel the way she is describing. ]

That sucks. Hypnosis? Is that something?

[ He's just throwing spaghetti at the wall at this point. ]

Not really sure where you'd find a hypnotist in this place even if that was something that would work.

[ But Ben isn't good at just giving up. It's not his style. ]

Did you ever feel like that before? Like there was something you forgot? Or was it just after that conversation?

[livingdeadgirl]

[ Ami just shrugs at his first suggestion, as if to say "Your guess is as good as mine, dude." ]

No, it was just after that. I haven't seen that guy since, but Peter knew about him, so at least I know I wasn't hallucinating. He can read minds, I guess? So I assume he could see something in there, I just... don't know what.

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben nods; in another environment it might strike him as notable that hallucinating was on the table to start with, but the Anchor is the Anchor and there are weird holograms and fucking nanite shapeshifters and algae spores that make you high as balls soooo.... ]

Was this guy named Cole, by any chance? Super pale, big hat?

[ Just in case she hadn't actually gotten the name of the guy - Ben has only met one person here who could read minds. It does spark an interesting idea - whether Cole would be able to help Ami recover her memories. But he might consult with Cole and seeing if that is even possible before he gets Ami's hopes up. ]

That sucks. I really wish I could help.

[livingdeadgirl]

[ She perks up. Yeah, super pale big hat sounds about right! ]

That's him! What's his name? Cole?

[benhargreeves]

Yeah, Cole.

[ A pause, for just a moment, as Ben considers, then he adds: ]

He's a friend of mine.

[ Cole would probably say something if he were here about spirits not having friends or how being Compassion means this or that, but Ben thinks of him as a friend, and so he's going to call him that. Especially since he knows that, to someone encountering him for the first time, in some contexts Cole might seem... well, a little alarming. He'd definitely alarmed Ben the first time they met. ]

So, he's the one who said you've got... repressed memories?

[livingdeadgirl]

[ Haha, yeah, "alarming" sure is a way to put it! Ami cringes, remembering that chance meeting in the middle of the night. It did not go great. ]

Uh... he didn't say that exactly. Actually, he, uh... he sort of... called me an abomination and ran away.

[ Sorry Ben, your friend is rude. ]

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben isn't really sure why Ami is making that face, until she explains her encounter with Cole in more detail. The fond look on Ben's face slides away at once. Because.... what. The fuck.

What would lead Cole to call Ami an abomination, when he had not said that to Ben? Even though he had seen inside him and into his past, knew the things he had done, and had said it wasn't his fault?

It doesn't seem fair. Or accurate. ]

I... have no fucking clue why he would do that. Or- say that.

[ One possibility is that Ami really is an abomination. But - Ben's going to give her the benefit of the doubt. He rubs a hand across his mouth, frown deep and uneasy. ]

I can ask him about it. If you'd like. Maybe - there's some explanation.

[ Ben is willing to try, but he's not really sure whether Ami will want him interfering. She doesn't know him all that well and it's possible she wouldn't want him getting any more involved in something so personal. ]

[livingdeadgirl]

[ It's not the first time just asking Cole has been suggested; Peter made the same offer, but she'd waffled on taking him up on it. On the one hand, getting someone else to ask on her behalf isn't normally something she'd want to do, but... on the other hand, she's scared to talk to Cole herself, and she has a sneaking suspicion he wouldn't want to talk to her, either. As the guy's friend, Ben would be uniquely suited to it.

Although a little hesitant, she nods. ] That... might be a really good idea, actually. I don't think he was trying to be mean, he just seemed... scared.

[ Which is kind of worse I guess??? ]

So yeah, maybe after we're done? [ There are, after all, still two cards to go. She places her hand on the one on the right. Ready? ]

[benhargreeves]

I'm sure he wasn't trying to be mean.

[ It's not that Ben is incapable of imagining people he likes are flawed and can be mean. He is very well equipped to acknowledge when people he cares about fuck up. But in this case, because it is Cole specifically ... Ben is sure the intent wasn't to be cruel. ]

Maybe some of it is like... a cultural thing? I've kinda picked up on the fact that the place he comes from is, like, super different from Earth. That might be why - he freaked out over some thing that you or me would think is so totally not a big deal.

[ He also wonders, privately, if some of Cole's own demons or uncertainties may have played a role. But saying that to Ami would feel like revealing too much and betraying Cole's trust. So he keeps that bit to himself. ]

But I'll ask him, and I'll let you know. You've got my word.

[ And he gestures to her to turn over the next card. ]