redshiftlogs | [openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

It's interesting to Ben - there was a time when the way Cole was watching him would've made him uncomfortable. Being watched, as all those hidden cameras had so vividly reminded him, is kind of a Thing, for him. But he doesn't mind it, now. Not in this context, not when it's Cole. Because Ben knows that he's just observing, picking up cues what to do, himself. He's not evaluating. Looking for weaknesses or flaws.

"Bubbly stones? Huh."

Who knows what that might be? Allison might know. Probably the hit trend in Hollywood, honestly. But that's a tangent for another time.

Ben takes his time, once they reach the shower area, looking over the options for shampoo and other things. A hint of awkwardness has crept into the back of his mind, as he's staring at the shelf of varied hair care products. Should he... offer to wash Cole's hair for him? To demonstrate how by washing his own, first? Or take a shower in one of those communal ones next to him, showing him as he goes?

It's less that any of the options sound bad at all, or even that he thinks Cole will object to any of them. But somewhere in his mind, it's occurring to him that all of this might sound... weird, if anyone heard about it. Not quite entirely normal, in the way that the two of them just going into the hot spring together was. He doesn't know why it's different, when it's a shower, but... it is, somehow.

The moment of hesitation is brief, however. As soon as Ben identifies that feeling of shy unease and self-consciousness, he shoves it aside. How stupid is all that? Isn't he past that, that wanting to be normal? He's never been normal and he never will be, and Cole deserves to have somebody show him it doesn't have to be awful, getting clean.

He makes his selections almost at random, grabbing down a loofah, some body wash in a little bottle, similarly single-use size containers of shampoo and conditioner, hands them all to Cole in a heap before grabbing the same for himself. His heart is still beating so quickly, his face hot. He knows, Cole will have picked up on at least some of the emotional undercurrent of that, but he pushes on through.

"I can show you what to do. Showers are- showers are really good, and I think you're going to like them a lot."

"Mm. Pew-meece?" Recalling the word from memory takes effort, especially with no one there to pull it from.

And his watching is benign. He just wants to do things right, he's learning from what Ben does, by observation.

"We don't have to, if you feel strange about it," Cole offers. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable. It should be nice, feel comfortable." He lingers back a little bit, rocking on his feet.

"Oh! Pumice! Yeah, that's definitely a thing."

Has Ben got any idea exactly what it's for? No. But he definitely knows it's some kind of bathing rock people use. His general rule is that if Klaus didn't talk about it or shoplift it regularly, he's probably not all that familiar with it. Maybe not exactly the best cleanliness mentor, here.

But Cole's reassurance that he doesn't need to do this only strengthens Ben's resolve. He shakes his head, squaring his shoulders. It's much easier, letting go of that vague, imagined disapproval or curiosity from nameless other people, when confronted with Cole's immediate and real hesitation right in front of him.

"No, I want to. I was just-" Ben has got no words for that unexpected knot of self-consciousness he'd tripped over, though. For whatever vague stirrings in the back of his mind made him think there might be some sort of imaginary line they were close to crossing. So he shakes his head, "Doesn't matter. I want to."

He heads towards those communal showers, confident that any of his lingering unease will go away once he's actually doing the thing, not just thinking about it - the same way his temporary unease with the hot spring had gone away. And indeed, as soon as the two of them are standing in front of the taps, and Ben's explaining, the self-consciousness begins to subside beneath eagerness to help.

"So, you've got this tap for hot and this one for cold, you just turn them on and adjust them around until it's the temperature you like."

And he shows Cole, taking off his towel and hanging it on the nearby wall hook, standing out of the way of the spray and testing it with his hand until it's the right amount of hot without being boiling. Then he steps under the spray, spluttering a little in surprise at the water pressure and then laughing at himself, at this whole ridiculous situation. But it's a good kind of laughter.

It's easier, after that, with the background din of the spray, to walk Cole through it, the basic steps of lathering up the loofah with the soap and getting himself clean. Still strange, to think that such a basic comfort had been denied to Cole all those years. Ben takes his time with it, hoping to show by example it doesn't have to be something hard and quick and unpleasant. He doesn't look at Cole, though, except a lightning-quick glance now and then to make sure he was doing alright. Even if Cole wouldn't mind, it just feels... intrusive. Like he would be taking advantage of something.

"This stuff actually smells great, I'm totally stealing a couple of bottles of this when we go."

Edited 2019-11-29 08:22 (UTC)

"You think that other people might think strangely of it if they knew. but they won't. I can keep secrets, if this is a secret. And I don't really see a reason to share it, anyway. This is our time, not theirs."

Cole's agreeing; what others think doesn't matter. What Ben's comfortable with is what matters.

Again, Cole copies. He hangs up his towel, plays with the water temperature and then steps under it and back out, shaking his head and sneezing. "It's not like rain at all! It's... forceful. With intent." His hand comes up to skin over the showerhead and then looks back at Ben, watching way he lathers up and then copies him again.

There's another sneeze when he promptly brings it to his face to sniff; bubbles go everywhere at the sneeze and then Cole laughs, foam covering his hands and nose.

He wonders - is this a secret? Should it be? In Ben's life up until now, secrets were never about good things that made him happy. Secrets were awful lumps of unspoken words that sat in his throat, growing and growing until they blocked anything at all from coming out. He is sure he must have, at some point, but Ben can't remember the last time he had a good secret. A delicious one.

It would be different, if Cole hadn't offered so freely. Ben knows how honest Cole often is - it's one of the things he really appreciates and is drawn to about him. So asking him unprompted to go against that, just so Ben could avoid some awkwardness? He wouldn't be able to do it. But Cole had volunteered. And his pale eyes, when Ben meets them, look sincere, unbothered.

Tentatively, Ben nods. If Cole is sure. If it won't hurt him, to keep this private, just their time, not for anyone else...

"I think they've got showers like that." Ben is talking a bit louder to be heard over the water, and he can feel the tension going out of him at that familiar pressure, the comfortable routine of standing under the spray, "Where it just drips down more like rain. I think it's supposed to be really fancy?"

To Ben, it just sounds unpleasant and at best, tedious. If he wanted to be rained on he would just go out in the rain...

When Cole sneezes that second time, Ben has to look over, then. As soon as he sees Cole with foam all over his nose and the bottom of his face and his hands, he laughs, the kind of laughter you can feel in your stomach, doubling over, one hand set against the wall to support himself. It's just... so cute. There's no other word for it.

"Oh my god, that... was priceless...!"

It takes him a few moments to recover, still bursting into random little giggles now and then. There went the last of his nerves and reservation - how easily, Cole helps him to shed all that. Ben is careful to show Cole how to scrub properly - not to the point where it hurts, but enough to get the not inconsiderable amount of grime off him, even his back and under his fingernails.

Once Cole is ready, Ben says:

"Right so shampoo is like... special soap for your hair, you're going to put it in your hands and rub it in, and it'll later up. But try not to get it in your eyes, or it'll sting... probably."

It's hard to anticipate the ways in which Cole's body will deviate from a human's, because he's a spirit. He had sneezed, because of the bodywash - but it's not like he eats or sleeps or needs to breathe, so it's all sort of up in the air. But just in case it would sting, Ben wants to avoid that eventuality.

And, as before, he goes ahead and demonstrates first, shampooing his hair thoroughly before glancing over to check Cole's doing the same.

Maybe it's silly, to be feeling so happy over all this. Maybe people would laugh or raise their eyebrows if they knew. But Ben is happy, so... fuck it.

Cole is compulsively honest. This is not to say he doesn't keep secrets. He does. he keeps them close to his chest, next to his heart where they can't be spilled and shared. He understands there are things that other people don't need to know, because it will hurt, because it will harm.

This isn't that sort of secret. This is a secret that blooms best nursed between them, sheltered from cutting opinion and sharp words.

Cole laughs when Ben does and he works at scrubbing himself over, not too hard, to the skin pinks a little, but not reddens. And the ingrained grime of weeks living in Anchor lifts out eventually and the dark lines under Cole's nail lighten, but there's a degree of it that's staining and some that's just permanent bruising, painless but left from the memory of Cole's last days in that cell.

And then comes hair washing.

The motions aren't natural to Cole, but he works at it. He uses a bit too much shampoo and had foam and bubbles everywhere and the amount of dirt coming out take two or three go throughs with shampoo but they get there. Eventually, Cole is rinsing himself off and he's clean in a way that even decontamination can't manage. That might make you safe, but getting clean is something else entirely.

Ben is patient throughout, showing Cole that there is no rush, that he can keep adding shampoo and rinsing his hair until it's no longer needed. A little ripple of guilt goes through Ben that he hadn't done this sooner, underneath the happiness. There is so much dirt in Cole's hair and even if Cole had never seemed bothered by it, he must have been, mustn't he? He just didn't know that it could be any better. Why hadn't Ben thought to offer this, sooner? What other oversights is he making - ways he could be helping Cole, making his life more comfortable, happier, better...?

He isn't even fully conscious of these thoughts as, finally, he shuts off the shower, and pulls the conditioner out next. Ben shows Cole - careful to be clear on the amount, this time - how to spread a little bit of conditioner into his hair. He'd grabbed the kind that could be left in without rinsing, and hands the bottle to Cole when he's gotten a bit for himself.

As Ben is mixing in the conditioner to is own hair he is thinking about how much longer it is. It's one of those subtler things about being alive that he'd forgotten about, over all those years. Day by day, the tiny changes, showing that he was living, growing. He should maybe get it cut. He's kind of liking having a tiny bit more length on it, though.

"Does your hair grow?"

There's no judgment behind the question. If yes, it's something they have in common. If no, it's another thing that makes Cole so uniquely Cole. Ben is merely curious.

Cole feels the thoughts, but he lets them pass unremarked upon. He doesn't want to make Ben focus on the guilt, not when it's not worth being guilty over. It simply didn't matter enough to Cole to dig into the guilt.

"Do I wash this out like the shampoo? Only..." He's getting hints of something else, lingering feeling, not more water. "And... no. I don't think so. It's never changed before. Should it?"

"No, this specific one you leave in. That's why you only need to use a little bit. To make your hair feel nice once it's dry."

Ben is going to have to ask Allison for other recommendations, things he might share with Cole (though he won't frame them in that way to her). She probably knows what pumice is for, after all. If anybody would, she would.

Cole's answer about his hair makes it sound as if it's a topic he's never really considered. Which means no one has asked before, most likely. Which Ben knows isn't necessarily a bad thing. People in Thedas probably just grasp the situation better than him naturally, because of their familiarity with spirits. Still... there are so many things about himself that Cole doesn't seem to have ever thought of one way or another, before. Ben feels a little spark of curiosity at that.

"I wouldn't say should. It would grow if you were a human, but you're not, and I don't know much about spirits, except the stuff you've told me, so I just wasn't sure one way or another."

He gives a rolling shrug, as he pulls his towel from that hook and starts to dry himself. He isn't too thorough about it, since he still wants to check out the other areas. But at the forefront of his mind now is this question of what Cole does or doesn't know about himself. The various divergences between him and a mortal, a human.

"Mine never changed, when I was a ghost. So... I kind of like noticing it changing, now."

Which isn't to say there's anything wrong with Cole's not changing. It's just... Cole is one of the few people Ben can really talk to about this kind of thing. Everyone else gets so sad and weird when he talks about the time he spent being dead, and Ben understands why. In a way it's really touching. But it does make it hard to talk about it, even to bring up something as small and harmless as this.

He reaches up and musses his newly-conditioned hair, leaving it in a complete catastrophe on top of his head, grinning broadly. After all those years of his hair being fixed, intangible, not something he could feel with his hands or muss up... it is a good feeling.

Cole hums, thinking about it. He's never really considered his hair. Dorian once asked him why he bled, if it was because he thought he should. In return, Cole had asked Dorian if that was why he bled when he was cut. Dorian was all loud magic and peacock aura, drowning out much of what was around him with his power and aches.

"Most spirits don't come into the real world. And none of them look like humans when they do. I suppose because we don't change how you see us unless our self changes, my hair doesn't change."

He looks at Ben, smiling at the wet spikes going everywhere.

"I guess that makes sense."

It matches with other things that Cole has said, too, about there being no difference for him between his inside and his outside. Apparently that not only means he isn't embarrassed by nudity, but that internal changes or expectations would be reflected on his body. It's sort of an odd idea to get his head around, but Ben's always lived at some distance from his own body. Skeptical of it, untrusting of it, half-convinced that its whims and needs were in some way tied with the evil that Reginald had always taught him dwelled on the other side of the portal.

"Well, you don't have to worry about changing or not changing for me."

The way Cole had asked Should it had reminded Ben of a past conversation, where Cole had said that no one had ever told him before they liked him just the way he is, without wanting to shape him in some way, change him, make him more human, or more spirit, or less... himself. Ben had said it, then, but wants to reinforce it, now.

"I like you, however."

He leaves his hair in that rumpled mess, nodding his head in the direction of the door and asking:

"Sauna, next?"

Ben's not really sure if he will like a room that's just full of steam, but the idea of trying it out with Cole is extremely pleasant.

Ben has actually seen it, even if he's unaware of it. Now, Cole is flushed and pink, less gaunt and more alive than he often seemed when they first met. He doesn't have that cold, translucent look to his skin, shadowed and hollow and bony.

Cole beams at the words, awkwardly lurching toward Ben and hugging him, totally unashamed of the fact they're both naked and wet when he does so.

Because this means so much more to him than anything else has. Ben doesn't want him to change at all.

Whatever change had happened in Cole had been too gradual to catch Ben's eye - not to mention the fact that it happened alongside the gradual process of Ben getting to know him better, to trust him, to like him, to look forward to seeing him. His feelings towards Cole had developed and changed, and so had the way he sees Cole - it just doesn't occur to him that all of it might not have entirely been in his own mind and perception.

That smile of Cole's is just so radiant. The sudden movement towards him and the impulsive hug are a surprise, and Ben's not quite as entirely nonchalant as Cole about the whole thing. It's all such a tangle in him - surprise, self-consciousness, guilt, happiness, relief, gratitude, friendship, affection - but there is far more positive than negative, and after the first few moments, his shock and reflexive feeling that this is something he ought to feel guilty about fade, leaving only the warm glow of joy that he could make Cole this happy.

Some part of Ben berates him that he shouldn't congratulate himself too much, that all he's offering Cole is basic decency and friendship. Just because no one has given it to him before...

But that little voice is very little, and Cole is smiling so wide, and Ben can really see the happiness in his eyes without the hair there to block it. It's such a sharp, crystallized thing inside him right then, how he feels about Cole. How much pleasure it gives him making him happy. How nothing in the world seems to ever feel better than this.

If things were a little different, ~~if he weren't such an idiot~~, Ben might put a name to those feelings, contextualize them in a way that would cast all of this, the whole night, in a very different light. But it doesn't even occur to him, consciously, to wonder if maybe all these incredibly intense feelings are a bit more intense than just friendship. Ben is too happy to analyze it, and he's long since made the assumption that some things - crushes and romance and attraction and all of that - just aren't going to be a part of his existence. The reasons for that are as many as they are interwoven and unspoken and complicated.

So it doesn't click into place for him. Not yet, anyway.

Edited 2019-12-05 02:23 (UTC)

And Cole, who knows what people feel and how they feel it and what it means... Cole doesn't know this feeling. He's not felt it, as Cole, as Compassion, not like this, it's complex and messy and involves things that he doesn't know, that are outside of what all of him has.

Instead, Cole tucks his head down and into the crook of Ben's neck, as though he wasn't taller than Ben, and cuddles closer, wanting to soak in the warm inside and outside. For both of them.

Ben's going to initiate ending the cuddle. Cole won't. Can't.

For a few moments, Ben isn't really thinking or worrying about anything at all. He's merely stunned to be the recipient of such an obvious display of trust and affection. And it means so much more, coming from Cole, who has been through so much, who has every reason to be wary of people. But Cole is choosing to be close to him despite all that, and despite the fact that he can really see Ben for who he is. With everyone else, there is always that fear - that he has fooled them in some way into thinking he is deserving or whole or normal or good. But there is no deceiving Cole. From the very first time they'd met, he'd seen into the darkest corners of Ben. And he hadn't run away.

And he isn't running away, now. In fact he's doing quite the opposite, pressing in close, without self-consciousness or shame or any fear of Ben. None at all.

When Ben was first getting to know Cole, trying to wrap his head around the idea of a spirit that had become a young man, he'd wondered how real Cole's body was. Those questions had only deepened when he found out that Cole didn't need to eat or sleep. Ben knows that Cole isn't human. He doesn't mind. He's always wondered if he counts as entirely human, himself. But right now, as far as Ben can feel, there's not that much difference at all between their bodies. Ben can feel Cole's face tucked against his neck, and without really thinking about it, he lifts a hand to brush back Cole's wet hair. It's so pleasant, being close like this. Cole is still so warm from the shower...

Then, without much warning, all that relaxed happiness shifts inside Ben. There's a sudden twist of realization and alarm in his gut, as he realizes that his stupid human body with its stupid human hormones is getting a little too comfortable with having Cole pressed so close to him like this. He takes a step back at once, putting distance between them, exhaling a suddenly shaky breath. Pulling away like this is a reflex, like touching a hot stove - the moment he notices that response in himself, he withdraws. Because Cole had been hugging him like that, trusting him, and Ben is so happy that Cole trusts him. He won't do anything to take advantage or betray that or taint it.

Because this is a reflex that had been ingrained in him long before he ever met Cole or came to this place. Ben is long accustomed to thinking of his body as something untrustworthy and dangerous, to be kept in check. And as much progress as he's made, since coming here - a lot of it thanks to Cole - this is an area where he has made none, yet. Where he hasn't even thought to try.

"Sorry."

Ben can't even use his usual trick of trying to project how he is feeling, when the words won't come, because it's so mixed-up in his head and he doesn't know where to begin. A few things he is certain of, though, and he latches onto those. How happy it made him to be embraced like that. How glad he is to be Cole's friend. How much he meant what he said, that had prompted that burst of affection.

He reaches for the towel hanging from the wall and wraps it firmly around his hips, twists it into place a little more harshly than he needs to. It pinches, but his body is the enemy and deserves it. Ben lets out another slow breath, does his best to shove all that mess he'd unearthed way far back down.

"Okay. Sauna."

There are things Cole doesn't understand and things he can't pick up clearly.

What he's getting right now is the clear sense that Ben is sorry, though he doesn't understand what for, not really, and that he hates his own body (he already knew that) and he's angry at it for being the enemy (it isn't, but they're working on that). he doesn't think it's anything to do with him and is entirely to do with Ben and Reginald and the toxic relationship that was fostered between the pair of them and with Them.

He's a little disappointed that the hug has ended, and the hair brushing, that was nice, but Ben needs space because he's starting to feel like he's trapped in his body like a cell, hostile and confusing.

"Shh." Cole lays a hand on Ben's side briefly, then gives a very gentle poke at his stomach. "You don't need to be angry. Bodies are bodies. And They're very relaxed right now."

He gets his own towel and copies Ben again

Ben opens his mouth to protest that he's not angry... but of course, Cole's right. He is angry at himself, and confused, and uneasy. Yes, bodies are just bodies. But he hasn't reconsidered his relationship to his, extensively, and the thought of doing so is honestly a bit terrifying. So he reacts in the way that's become automatic, clamming up, slamming the doors shut on any thoughts that are too radical or dangerous, shoving it all as deep beneath the surface as he can and desperately searching for a distraction.

It won't stay buried forever. He's run aground against something big, with this. Some part of Ben knows he's not going to be able to stop himself from thinking about this again in the future. But for now, what he wants, what he needs, is to just - move to the side of it. Put distance in his mind, the way he'd put distance in between their bodies.

There is some relief, at least, in knowing that They are unbothered, and aren't riled up in any other way.

Ben resolutely holds his head high and tries to focus on lots of neutral, sauna-related thoughts. It doesn't work, for the most part, but at least that immediate squirming feeing of guilt eases more and more, as time passes. The two of them make their way to the sauna, and there is a little set of rules and procedures posted helpfully by the door. Ben pauses to read it, then explains:

"So we're... supposed to dump water on those hot coals, and the room gets steamy and we just sit around in it, I guess."

It sounds not really as fun as splashing around in a hot spring, but Ben tries it nonetheless, getting a scoop of water with the dipper and ladling it onto the hot stones, laughing softly at the sound they make. Then, he finds a spot for himself on one of the benches, looking over at Cole, wanting him to sit beside him. When he does sit, Ben lets his head fall to the side onto Cole's shoulder.

The sauna... well, Cole doesn't get it. He hasn't be anywhere so hot and humid, but he has memories from others of rainforests and sticky, damp air that smothered the breathing.

He didn't get the appeal.

He sits next to Ben, smiling faintly at the head on his shoulder but he soon starts running his fingertips over the bench, seeking out information and sensation. "Seeping, sinking, sweltering, seeking stiffness and swelling and soothing. Is that why people like this?"

Cole is getting a little damp from the water in the air but he doesn't sweat. Doesn't feel heat like a living creature would.

Ben, too, is not really seeing the appeal. Maybe it's just lingering weirdness from the moment they'd had in the showers, but he just kind of feels damp and uncomfortable. He gives it a few minutes, though. Maybe it takes longer to have an impact? Or maybe it's an acquired taste. People really seem to dig these places, after all. They pay a lot of money and stuff. Surely there is a reason?

He listens as Cole reads the room, quite literally, pulling information from the experiences of the people who had been here and touched this room. Because Cole can do that. Because Cole is amazing.

"Yeah. I guess maybe it's nice if you've pulled a muscle."

But Ben hasn't, so there's not really any benefit. He spends the next few minutes breathing in that steamy air thinking a lot more about how good Cole is than about how nice it is to be in a sauna. Ben presses his cheek against Cole's bare shoulder. Even in this excessively hot and steamy room, he can feel how warm Cole is, and how nice that warmth makes him feel. But that happiness feels safer, like this.

After ten minutes, Ben calls it. He gives a rolling shrug as he gets to his feet, holding out a hand to help Cole up.

"Not really feeling this one. How about we poke our heads in to just look at the Turkish bath, and then just go back to the hot springs?"

Ben is going to be a complete prune by the end of tonight, but he doesn't care at all.

Cole doesn't get into it.

He tries not to fidget, because Ben is comfortable and there's a thick, heavy presence of Their contentment with Ben's peace. These are things that Cole can enjoy, so he lets himself tune out his own body in favour of those other things.

"What's the Turkish bath? Is it more steam? I don't like the steam much, it's just sticky and hot and it doesn't even feel like being hugged all around, like the hot water. I like the all over hug feeling."

He takes Ben's hand and holds onto it again. He thinks that eventually, They'd like the hot spring too, so different from Their place, but Their weight supported and the warmth more like Ben's body temperature than Theirs.

Aaaaand all over hug feeling just became a serious contender for the coveted spot of 'favorite unusual Cole descriptions of things'. Ben beams, swinging their hands together between them.

"I don't actually know what it is. We won't stay long, I promise. I just want to look."

But their visit is even shorter than Ben had anticipated. When they walk in, there is again a little informational placard, which gives an indication of the layout. It seems to be some kind of progression, from area to area? Except the first area, as soon as they step into it, becomes very hot. Not the humid heat of the sauna, but just... dry, and very intense. It is unpleasant, especially because there are fans blowing the dry air on them, rather like being inside of a hairdryer. Ben wrinkles his nose, shaking his head immediately.

"Naw."

And so they bail, making their way back to the hot spring. It is like returning to an old friend. Ben finds the spot where their clothes are. And seeing Cole's dirty leathers sitting there... that brings up another question he's been meaning to ask.

"Hey, Cole? Weird question. Have you ever... worn anything different than that?"

Edited 2019-12-07 01:32 (UTC)

The dry heat and sharp winds remind him of the Western Approach. Of Adamant Fortress. Despite the heat, he shivers at the memory and is glad to leave immediately.

He's thinking about sharing this insight when Ben speaks and he refocuses. "Oh. Um. Yes. Before I knew what I was I had a shirt and pants but they were part of me, not really clothes. I got these clothes when I left Rhys and Evangeline. When I go out with Cadash, she gave me armour, and she gave me new armour when I got hit and went unconscious. She tried to give me a different hat, but I like my hat."

So.... sort of, but it never seems to have passed his mind to wear something else unless it's been for a reason.

There was a time in Ben's life when the idea of someone having clothes that were a part of him, of the way he manifested physically in the world, would have been so deeply strange to him. But he knows a bit now about what a messy, confusing, scary time it was for Cole, before he realized he was a spirit. Ben is just glad he'd made it through that time, and that someone had been around to give him some armor afterwards when he needed it.

The flicker of fear that Ben feels when Cole mentions being hit and being knocked unconscious is sudden but intense. He has seen Cole in action, now. He knows that his friend is far from helpless. And yet hearing about him getting hurt is painful. Even if it was in the past, even if Cole himself doesn't seem bothered by the memory. What does that say about Ben, that he wishes he could reach back through time and across worlds to every scary and dangerous moment Cole has experienced and put himself between Cole and that peril, that fear?

He can't, and he knows he can't, but he still wishes it were possible, even as he is setting down his towel and getting into the warm water once more. This time, he doesn't swim around, or start a splashing war. He just sits along the edge of the spring, arms draped comfortably along the edge, and basks.

"I like your hat, too."

It isn't even a lie. ~~Ben really is that besotted~~. The thing itself is, of course, ugly and absurd, but Cole likes it, and Ben associates it so strongly with him, so how could he not like it? How could he hate something that is in its way a part of his friend. And of course, Ben takes note any time Cole expresses a preference for himself. It is so rare that there are things Cole likes and wants for himself. If that hat's one of them, well, Ben loves that hat.

Though he smiles and adds:

"Even if it's kinda nice, being able to see your face better without it."

Maybe he can coax Cole into taking it off now and then, when it is just the two of them, nobody to hide from. A thought strikes Ben, and he suggests:

"You should try a hoodie sometime. Like the kind I'm always wearing, you know?" And he mimes pulling a hood over his head. Not only is the mental image of Cole wearing a hooded sweater pretty adorable actually, but...

"It's sort of... I don't know. Comforting. Not exactly like shutting out the world, but just- kind of doing that."

Cole had been willing to try warm water and that had paid off in a big way. He had liked showering, getting clean. Maybe the next nice thing Ben can introduce him to will be hoodies, and clothes that aren't just for decency and protection, but ones that are soft and nice to wear. Not tonight, but maybe soon.

Cole gets back into the water and slips into the water again, straight under to get his head wet again and surface to let it stream down his face.

He knows Ben thinks his hat is a bit ugly, but he likes it anyway, so that's the important thing. It is a bit ugly, btu that doesn't make it a bad hat. It's a good hat. It stops his head getting cut and the rain soaking him and he can fold up small and fit all of him under it.

"You like seeing my face?" he knows Ben does, even as he asks, but the human reflex is still there sometimes and right now, it sits close to the surface. "Yes... I could try a hoodie. My clothes are sort of needing repair. I'm not good at sewing. Krem was. He made nugs for the children."

Ben watches the way Cole comes back to the warm water, no hesitation this time, eagerly dunking his head underneath it, surfacing once again. There is something so special about watching Cole enjoy things. Seeing him comfortable. Seeing him happy.

When he asks if Ben really likes seeing his face, Ben's smile spreads slowly over his face, brightening into something wide and warm and full of that particular fizzy happiness that he associates with being around Cole.

"Yeah. I like seeing your face a whole lot."

There is no disjuncture at all, between that soft delighted feeling inside Ben and the smile and outward shows of emotion and the words he's saying. All are in perfect agreement, on this.

And when Cole agrees to try a hoodie, Ben makes the decision then to lend him one of his. He has two good ones, and that's more than he needs. Besides. Cole would look sort of cute in one, he just bets it. And since Cole seems to at least realize his clothes are in need of repair, that should make it much easier for Ben to bring him some alternatives. Maybe he could ask around, see who is good at fixing clothes... he could do that, as a favor for his friend. He would be happy to.

"He made what?"

Obviously it's something that needs sewing, but Ben really has no hope of guessing what a nug might be.

[openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

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