Gokudera Hayato | 獄寺 隼人 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bakudan_bambino) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
redshiftlogs2020-09-09 06:34 pm
bakudan_bambino) wrote in redshiftlogs2020-09-09 06:34 pm
[CLOSED] I Will Surround You and Give Life to a World
Who: Hayato Gokudera('s interactive memories) and Takeshi Yamamoto
What: Yamamoto goes to the VR room to relive some happy memories from the Daisy Darling
When: Sometime after the zombie hoard is wiped out (VR sounds like a bad idea DURING zombie time)
Where: The VR room (one of them. whichever fits)
Warnings: Character death; mentions of past underage sexual slavery; anything nsfw is going off comm
When Yamamoto first turns on the game he's set up, or tried out the cerebral interfacing to relive his memories, something will not work right. Maybe the interfacing is not working correctly because he didn't hook it up right. Maybe the collar he's wearing that once was connected to Gokudera is interrupting the program. It's projecting the memories it had contained of the pet it held captive and his owner.
Either way, when the game starts, the swordsman will find himself standing in a dark room. White text floats before him, reading out the motion controls, giving him a tutorial on how to interact, and a light comes on a few feet away as an overhead lamp. It lights up a mahogany storage piano bench with silver, cream, and red embroidered upholstery for a seat. Takeshi may be able to lift the seat to search for sheet music within, given that the hinges are clearly visible. However, there is a lock.
In order to open it, there is an on-screen command to scan his thumbprint on his "pet ring". If anyone else were to try to bring the collar in and access the bomber's old memories, they would also have to scan their thumbprint. Possibly to unlock their memories with him. There is no other information, just the command for Takeshi to follow. And once he does, the lock will noisily unlatch.
The bench will open to show an assortment of items. Only some can be interacted with, picked up and displaying the option to "visit". Some items do not, though there is clearly more to be revealed. Simply put, Yamamoto must start at an introductory level in order to progress in the game that is Gokudera's memories. There is a futuristic pistol, a lei, a capped syringe, and an orange. In this currently playthrough, only the lei and pistol are accessible. Yamamoto can pick each up, turn it around, zoom in with his handheld controls, and place it back down. There are even some items that could be interactive, but he'd have to clear more to get to them.
What: Yamamoto goes to the VR room to relive some happy memories from the Daisy Darling
When: Sometime after the zombie hoard is wiped out (VR sounds like a bad idea DURING zombie time)
Where: The VR room (one of them. whichever fits)
Warnings: Character death; mentions of past underage sexual slavery; anything nsfw is going off comm
When Yamamoto first turns on the game he's set up, or tried out the cerebral interfacing to relive his memories, something will not work right. Maybe the interfacing is not working correctly because he didn't hook it up right. Maybe the collar he's wearing that once was connected to Gokudera is interrupting the program. It's projecting the memories it had contained of the pet it held captive and his owner.
Either way, when the game starts, the swordsman will find himself standing in a dark room. White text floats before him, reading out the motion controls, giving him a tutorial on how to interact, and a light comes on a few feet away as an overhead lamp. It lights up a mahogany storage piano bench with silver, cream, and red embroidered upholstery for a seat. Takeshi may be able to lift the seat to search for sheet music within, given that the hinges are clearly visible. However, there is a lock.
In order to open it, there is an on-screen command to scan his thumbprint on his "pet ring". If anyone else were to try to bring the collar in and access the bomber's old memories, they would also have to scan their thumbprint. Possibly to unlock their memories with him. There is no other information, just the command for Takeshi to follow. And once he does, the lock will noisily unlatch.
The bench will open to show an assortment of items. Only some can be interacted with, picked up and displaying the option to "visit". Some items do not, though there is clearly more to be revealed. Simply put, Yamamoto must start at an introductory level in order to progress in the game that is Gokudera's memories. There is a futuristic pistol, a lei, a capped syringe, and an orange. In this currently playthrough, only the lei and pistol are accessible. Yamamoto can pick each up, turn it around, zoom in with his handheld controls, and place it back down. There are even some items that could be interactive, but he'd have to clear more to get to them.
no subject
When the vehicle approaches the gate, his window will roll down automatically, and an official will run a retinal scan. They don't even ask if he has any valuables to declare. There are other vehicles, of course, in other lanes, and some are pulled aside.
If he watches long enough, he may even notice that every single person asked to step out of their vehicle is a mongrel. Some are frisked, one unlucky one is taken to be strip-searched in a glass office. No one bats an eye. Life as a mongrel is full of inconveniences, and harassment is delivered whether it is deserved or not.
There is a holo-map that shows the vehicle is heading for EOS Tower, located in the center of Tanagura. Takeshi can also check his palm-reader to see more of a map, and he may notice that it sets off an alert. There's a notice from Gokudera that simply reads 'help.'
Simple as that. If Yamamoto opens the message, he can choose to track Gokudera, even move his location onto the holo-map so the vehicle will take him directly to him. He can probably see some people walking about in the skyscrapers he passes, along holo-walkways. Not a single one is young, and not a single one old. There is something so oddly fantastic and sci-fi to Tanagura, but also completely artificial. No one looks real. It could be that they're just memories of people Gokudera may have never paid a second glance to. They could even just be walking by on the same loop. It's up to Takeshi how much he wants to sight-see on the way to his destination.
If he wants to inspect himself, he'll notice that he has all of his items he was wearing in real life, back in Anchor. Even the collar stays around his arm. The gun is not present, however. Not that it's even loaded, as far as a transplant citizen to Amoi could tell.
no subject
When he is processed through his blood begins to slowly boil, it is s slow steady rise, one that he can feel start in his body back in Anchor where his fingers seek and curl around the hilt of Shigure Kintoki, finding the same hilt in his fingers here, his eyes are hard. Every mongrel pulled out sinks like a knife in his skin because this is treatment that his boyfriend suffered for two years, two god damn fucking years.
He cares nothing for the city, for any of the people who go past. no, his grief makes one demand and that means with little attention after the show of mongrels he is interacting, moving things until the alert pops up. His heart jumps in his throat, he knows it's a VR, he knows it is not real but after so many days of nothing, no word, no Hayato returning this is the most he has and a low moan shudders up from his throat. Instantly setting the vehicle to take him to his boyfriend.
He has no mind for nothing else, he cares for nothing else. He needs the bomber like a burning man needs the fire to be put out, this is the closest he has felt to alive. If he can just reach him, touch him even in this virtual world then maybe he can feel alive again because every day without Hayato kills him a little more inside. The vehicle can not move fast enough, his every muscle tense.
Ready to spring from it the moment he is set free, there is no part of him that thinks of anything short of his destination and the fact that if this world wants to label him an Elite than in his current state he'll tear it apart with his bare hands if he is not given the person whose collar burns into his arm, screaming at him to reach him.
"Takeshi!" Echoing in his ears, he was too late last time, he did not make it. He will not fail again, maybe when this is over he'll remember the scenery he saw but at this moment all he knows is he needs to see silver hair, green eyes, pale skin before he shatters into a million pieces or loses his mind and rips this place apart brick by brick.
hey did you click that hyperlink? Idk if I made it big enough lol
The locals of Tanagura, the natives of Amoi know that there should be no mongrels in the Golden City. Gokudera is only allowed such access because of his collar.
But to this Elite straddling his chest, hands wrapped tight about the silver-haired boy's throat, it's transplants who interfere who are the real problem. They come in with no regard, step in where they aren't welcome. Gokudera has fought him before, has thrown smoke bombs, has knocked down his friends, but he's going to learn tonight that he can't get away with what he's done. There is no changing the mindset of a society through one person. Gokudera knows he is not powerful. His bone loops lay scattered, shrunken and broken apart on the floor of the alley. Gokudera's hand flashes a multitude of flames, but nothing seems to deter the Elite on top of him.
Yamamoto will be directed into this alley, will be given the option to strike the Elite on top of his pet. He has so much range of what he can do, from dragging the man off of him by his scalp, putting his sword to his throat, cutting off his hands, taking the gun he's wearing and shooting him with it (though that may hit Gokudera so is probably a bad idea).
The game does not take into consideration Takeshi's mental state. Simply, this is a scenario where he can be violent if it will help him. He could even take out his anger on random citizens on the Tanagura streets, and (because that never happened on Amoi), those citizens would get right back up and nothing would really change.
There is directions in this game Takeshi can follow, but most everything he can interact with that involves other people is just what Gokudera remembers. This man on top of him, strangling him to the point where he's going to pass out is an NPC that Yamamoto can and (let's be honest) will interact with violently.
what you mean there's a hyperlink in that post? I must have missed it! LOL
That he may come back is little balm when the days pass and he does not return. His heart is burning fire, he needs to stop this but he also knows that means again the part he hates, playing the game. Damn this game, damn this place, damn the zombies and damn him, everything in Hayato's life that he has been through, he never deserved any of it and all Yamamoto wants to do is find him at home and make all this go away, give him the life he deserves, why is the world fighting him so hard on this.
Back in Anchor, his hands clenched so tightly that when he returns he will find the skin pierced by blunt nails and bleeding, every inch of him aching from how tight he pulled during this simulation because it may not be real but in his grief-stricken heart all he can see is the man he loves in mortal danger. Again.
The options cycle in front of him and he knows he should just cut the man's hand off, but then Hayato will be splattered in blood with a dead man's hand around his throat. Instead, he strides forward, a blaze of murderous intent and no move to hide it as he grabs the man by his scalp, the sword lining up with his throat, one stroke is all it would take and the fire in his eyes says one thing, he wants to take the stroke, there is no doubt about it. Whatever the other him did maybe it was different. But, the other him did not have the experiences in Anchor, the love that both young men were able to foster in peace until the day it all went to hell.
He does now and it colors how he responds because in his mind he can see Hayato, a bite mark on his arms, pain in his green eyes, and a confession that all along, he had been Yamamoto's that it was Yamaoto who left him, Yamamoto who forgot him and their love, yes he got it back but it was him who failed and then he failed again. Not this time.
"Get your hands off him, he's mine." The warning comes as the swordsman drags the other, forcing with the press of his blade to make the man let go of Hayato, dragging him away from the bomber if only because he can not bear to see blood on that pale skin, it would remind him too much of the last time he truly touched his love and right now, right now he would rather remember this, the anger, the rage, the battle, the one thing that sustained him in Anchor, till the hordes were gone and life became life again and still Hayato was not there.
He pins the man to the ground, one foot pressing into his chest, the other holding the tip of his sword to his throat, if he moves he will die there is nowhere to go and Yamamoto's gaze tells one story, he is not done, just stopping this is not enough, he saw the other options there in the menu and he knows exactly what he will do next but first, his love, his heart demands that he takes a look behind him, quick as it maybe he has to know that Gokudera is okay.
"You should keep your hands off someone else's property." It's a snarl, a rage that is rarely seen in the calm Rain as his blade suddenly turns, he made his next choice, these commands are his to use right, so use them he does and in one smooth, satisfying motion he separates the man's hand from his arm.
"That's for touching what's mine." He wants to kill him but he knows, he knows that it is not a normal response for him, that the desire to take this man's head from his body with his blade comes from his guilt and his grief. Instead, he takes a payment he deems as close to justice as he can out of the options he was given.
no subject
The Elite, for his part curses but cannot move away from that sword while he's being dragged. He instead glares, his mouth an snarling grin that promises future problems. This is not and will not be the first man to target a cross-caste couple.
"Yamamoto." Gokudera says and approaches, adjusting his pet ring so it hides the marks those hands left.
"Fucking mongrel-lover!" The Elite snaps at Yamamoto as he clasps the stump left behind with his one remaining hand. He seems to be in pain, but isn't acting normal at all. There's blood, and a lot of it, and Gokudera is keeping his distance from both of them. Touching an Elite got him into this mess, so he'll linger back.
"Let him go," The bomber sounds defeated, tired. He'd been out all day, hoping to return to his home with his owner on their floor in the EOS Tower... to give the Tenth the gift he'd bought... to spend time with Yamamoto talking about how they should be acting in public.
And then the idiot saw him in such a sorry state, fully armed, and... he could have taken on this Elite without problems... except then he'd have been jailed, drugged, questioned, and he doesn't want to go through that again.
no subject
And that look in his eyes promises so much more, did he leave this man alive in the past, did this man come back for Hayato once he was gone. Is this another of his failures to be the man his boyfriend deserves staring him in the face. That there is a lot of blood, that the man is not acting right, that Hayato is not acting like himself, seems to directly tell him some part of him needs to do more.
Or maybe, it's just his grief.
"He'll only cause more problems." It's a simulation, the problems this man has caused have come and gone already except, it does not feel like enough, then again, with the deep guilt in his veins, the grief that is consuming is any amount of violence going to be enough, can anything other than what he needs most, his boyfriend back be enough.
There as an option to take the man's gun and shoot him, he moves as if he is going to except, there is something in Gokudera's tone that stops him and when Yamaoto turns and meets those green eyes, sees the look in them, something in him snaps.
Back in Anchor, the collar shocks him, shooting a stiff current into his arm as he disobeys the programming entirely and attempts to decide against all the prompts, he wants to slice the man's neck. When he flicks his blade to do so, it merely flickers through him, an ache in his arm back in Anchor his only reward. He sighs; even here, he can not do anything but make the same or different mistakes he has already made. He steps in, takes the gun, steps back, and pulls the trigger, it's direct shot right between his eyes and Yamamoto does not regret it. Except that Hayato had to see him do it, maybe he could not save him but at least now, now he can be hard enough, less carefree, and do anything he can to the people who did these things to him, even if only in a simulation. Even if here it does not feel like enough.
Even here, he feels like he is failing the love of his life.
"Let's go..." There is nothing more that can be done, and maybe if he is alone with the other, things will be better, some part of this memory can bring comfort. He hopes so, but even that small light of hope has begun to slowly diminish for the swordsman because their life is becoming nothing but pain, it does not seem it will change as long as they are separated.
no subject
“They all do. This whole world does!” Gokudera says and finally approaches and looks on as the Elite is killed. Well, if anyone finds that body, Yamamoto won’t have to answer for that murder. It will be Gokudera. The storm calls out his flame arrow and points it at the body, engulfing it in flames.
“He’ll just use his living will to come right back. None of this would have happened if you would just learn to keep your hands to yourself.” He grumbles and moves past his owner to head towards the taxi, exhausted from the fight, the flames, more flames, and then the urge to fight is still coiled in him.
“No matter what you do, as long as we’re together... it’s just a big target on the family’s back...” Gokudera suddenly doesn’t seem so angry at Yamamoto.
“I should stay out of Tanagura for a while...” he just attracts trouble, is putting the Tenth and Yamamoto in danger. “To keep us safe.” Us obviously does not include him. He’s worth nothing to this world.
no subject
He wishes he could understand more of this world but with only what Hayato has told him and what he is experiencing here he can't and all he can do is react, he knows these scenarios probably went differently as he changes things, the collar gives him random shocks and he wonders if these are when he goes against the setting.
There is no option for what he wants, which is to grab Hayato, pull him into his arms, kiss him till they both forget this world, till he forgets Anchor and for a moment just remember what it was like to be with him, not what it is like to know he is dead and still has not returned.
"He could have killed you was I supposed to just let that happen?" He can't help it, he does not want to fight with Hayato, not when he has ached for nothing more than to see him, however, he can not stop the way those words freeze his heart as he follows Hayato.
"Don't say those things. You can't leave." This almost sounds like a breakup speech, like Hayato and he are together and now he wants to leave the baseball player, whatever this scenario is it can not be that, Yamamoto could not survive, it would kill him.
"I can't lose you again..." No matter if that makes sense his heart is breaking and the thought that even in this simulation he could lose the bomber when it is the only way he can even be near him now is more than he can take.
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"No, but you didn't have to kill him. Now everyone he knows is going to come after us" Me "And target the Tenth, and I am not going to let that happen. The only reason there's a problem is because of me! His friends are going to find him and revive him, and he'll tell them everything that happened. They can't go after an Elite like you, and you know it..."
So. Gotta protect his owner and the Tenth.
"It's not like it's permanent. As your pet, I'm expected to do anything you want of me, and most would think I live with you. We just... can't be touching each other as much, and as openly. It's legal here now, but not everyone is so happy to see it." He gets into the taxi, leaving the door open so Yamamoto can get in and sit beside him.
"We'll go back and I'll pack a bag, stay with Linneus for a while. You keep an eye on the Tenth." Do everything I can't do, idiot, his tone says.
There are options for Yamamoto to take now. He can follow into the vehicle and object to Gokudera, which will lead him to an option of confessing. He could also touch the other to convince him that it's not bad. Then again... he could also do something different. The game is already letting him stretch the boundaries, even as the collar gently objects.
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Make Hayato stop saying those words, telling him he is going to leave. It does not even register that twice now he has mentioned Tsuna, in Yamamoto's grief-stricken mind and heart all he can see and think of is Hayato.
He wants to follow those commands, finish this and find some way to keep his boyfriend but he is all emotions now, unable to lock them away as back in Anchor tears begin to trail down his cheeks. He can not stand this, it's consuming him and for a moment Yamamoto feels his own darkness creeping up at the edges of his mind back in Anchor, calling to him, taunting him with the peace it could bring.
"STOP!" He freezes, the collar shocking him because clearly here he did not yell and what does it matter when Hayato is already in the vehicle? He hangs his head, fighting the pain in his chest, the burning in his lungs as he chooses the command to follow.
The minute he gets in behind Hayato he turns, he means to speak to him, to say anything to do anything to stop this but all he can do is take the other face in his hands, Yamamoto knows it's a simulation but at that moment he kisses the young man he loves with all he has, pouring every ounce of his broken heart into that touch.
"You can't leave me, I can't do this without you...." He does not mean the simulation, he means breath, he means go on, take on more step, move forward, live, he can only go through each and every motion and keep himself alive, he can survive because he promised but he can not live, he can not smile, he can not laugh. He needs Hayato and while he knows this may have gone different, the stinging in his arms tells him it did he does not care.
Because here he can touch Hayato, where he can say all the things he should have said a hundred more times than he already did. While back in Anchor his palms begin to bleed, his chest rises and falls heavily, tears coating his cheeks, dripping down his neck no way to stop them as his real body gives in to the pain he feels.
no subject
"I'll just stay out for a couple days and then-" His face is taken and he's kissed. The simulation has a hard time programming what happens next, but then fixes itself. There is a skip in Gokudera's reaction, and he's still. He blinks and closes his eyes.
"You can't just... say things like that. I can't even say it back." His hand goes to rest gently on Yamamoto's thigh. Gokudera kisses back, the wind taken right out of his sails. He can't be angry if he's being kissed, it derails him too much.
"I've been here this entire time... I grew up here, and you're the one who left me, remember. I don't know why you all left... but I'll be fine." Of course, he doesn't realize that Yamamoto is dealing with the grief of losing him. Doesn't know that Yamamoto needs to be fine, needs to get through this, needs him.
"I won't be gone for very long... I still have to come back to you. But I have to do this." He has to suffer so the people he loves will be safe.
no subject
Would Hayato be angry if he stayed here, in these memories till he was back? Because yes they hurt but at least here he can see his face, instead of the nightmares that plague him every time he closes his eyes.
It takes his breath away when Gokudera touches him gently like that, back in anchor his whole body shudders and the tears only fall more heavily. He can hardly breathe, though surely the program will shut down if he does stop breathing, right? His palms in real life are slick with blood and sweat, it looks like he may not be handling his blade for a few days without considerable pain.
But none of it compares to this, when suddenly the bomber kisses back, he can feel it, in Anchor he can remember exactly how those kisses feel and he nearly rips the VR equipment off but he has to know, what happens because it may hurt to know that at some point this happened, the program is telling him that rather what he did was exact it was enough that even though Hayato clearly glitched from his kiss, something happened tonight that made him want to leave even for a few days, to feel that he was protecting Yamamoto and Tsuna.
No, no it's all wrong Hayato was never a native but this must be what he meant, when he struggled in Anchor, this place has altered his memories and as of right now in this memory. It is so hard to separate the reality that he knows and the memories he is in, as well as the urges that his grief are welling up inside of him and for the moment Yamamoto feels like he could snap into a million pieces.
When the touching stops, when Hayato speaks again the real him lets out a sob, in the simulation he tries to stay calm, tries to think like the him that would have been here that night.
"We're safer together, don't you get that, if you leave then you're on you're own. I want to be with you, I need you with me." Maybe they aren't the words he said this night but right now, they are the words in his heart, words he wishes he could say to Hayato, tell him not just how much he needs but how much he loves him, can't face life without him.
"I need you, only you, I'll take whatever else comes because of that. Please don't leave me...I love you." In Anchor he whispers, the words and the following sentence please don't leave me not again, I can't lose you again not in this world or any other. Even if he haywires the whole damn program, he is turning again, looking his boyfriend in his eyes, he does not know if they show what they should have that night or the truth, but his words are all him, no program controls what he says, even if most of his actions are guided by prompts.
no subject
He’s just trash. This world has beaten submission into him, shown him that despite everything he’s known, he will never be able to change anything on his own. The mentality of an entire world of people who think he’s worthless is too strong. He’s only ever meant anything to Yamamoto.
“I’ve been on my own for longer. This won’t be a first.” He says and the taxi arrives at the EOS Tower. Gokudera does not move to get out, but looks on in shock.
“Saying things like that...” the bomber looks touched and a bit shaken. The feelings are heavy. “I told you I’ll be back.”
no subject
But he means everything to Yamamoto, who cares if the rest of the world sees it or not. Or if he needs them to then Yamamoto will be the blade that opens their eyes. Because he is not just something to the swordsman, he is everything, his heart, his soul, his will to live and as grief washes over his real body back in Anchor as his he feels himself choke up, body jerking in the chair back in the dome his real self lets out a soft, wail.
Because what if he can't come back, what if he loses Hayato even here.
"Why shouldn't I say it, it's true, and what if you don't come back. I can't lose you, just stay with me...." He swallows because he is about to say everything in his heart, please don't leave me now, not when I can't have you in the real world.
Don't let this be a moment in our past where I failed you again and you left me, let me be the one you stay with even if I am an idiot.
But he says none of it, instead he just holds those green eyes with his own.
"Stay, we'll protect each other." Please. Say yes, just say yes and kiss me, let me hold you, even if it's not real, this is all I have. Rather he is only thinking each word in his mind or saying them aloud in anchor is anyone's guess, so far into his grief is the young man that he no longer feels that soft shocks from the collar or anything other than a rising panic that he is going to watch Hayato leave him again.
no subject
"You're not losing me. And I'm not letting you leave me again, okay?"
He looks at the camera in the front of the vehicle, flips it off, then moves himself to sit in Yamamoto's lap, pressing his forehead to the other boy's and carding his fingers through his hair.
"You promised you'd stay, and... I'm proud to be yours. I'll spend the night with Linneus some other time. It's not like that Elite will be immediately revived. So... let's just get back home, okay? I'll tell the Tenth what happened, and then if he thinks I should back off, I'll do it. Just to keep you guys safe." Gokudera strokes through his hair, then turns and climbs out of the vehicle to wait on his owner to step out. They can return to Yamamoto's floor together.
no subject
"O-okay." The word chokes him because he knows, from being on Anchor that he does leave again and here he is in his grief desperately begging Hayato to stay, when he knows that time and again he is the one who has left and even this last time, it was his fault. Hayato did not want to leave, he did not want to let go, he would have fought and if only Yamamoto had made it in time, he could be holding him in their bed back home.
Then he is holding him, his arms are automatic in the way they wrap around Hayato's waist, his eyes locked to green ones when foreheads touch. He loves him so desperately and misses him even more that he aches even for this, a simulation, yet it's a touch, its fingers in his hair that he knows and can feel ghosting against him back in Anchor even if it is not real.
"I will, I don't ever want anyone but you." The proud to be yours stings, because he knows it's not like in Anchor, there Hayato is his boyfriend, some part of him knows, here Hayato still thinks in terms of owner and pet and he can never see them like that, they are partners, equals, no matter what this world says and he nods to the rest of it. However, he will never forgive Tsuna in a small part of his heart if when this memory continues his friend agreed to Hayato leaving. He should know, no matter what Yamamoto will protect both of them. For the moment he has to collect himself, remember to follow along with the scenario or he could lose it all.
He has already lost it all, he's tired, grief-stricken body back in Anchor knows it because the moment Hayato moves and they no longer touch he is empty again except for the pain, the baseball player follows the bomber, he may not know where to go but the simulation will make sure the memory is followed closer than not and thus he'll end up where he did the first time, back on his floor? Sure, it's nicer than Anchor, but he misses their home.
CW: Underage nudity (it's bathtime, ok)
There is an option if he looks at Gokudera to hold him, another if he looks at the kitchen to make food, and he can explore. The memory would guide him towards the bathroom to draw a bath or get ointment, and Gokudera is simply stopped by a mirror in the master bedroom, shifting his collar to see how bad the bruises are on his neck. He can't let the Tenth take notice.
Clearly, mentally -Yamamoto will probably recognize the expression- the bomber is beating himself up. He shouldn't have gone off on his own. Getting up early and leaving Midas, shopping to get gifts for his owner and their boss... acting like he was happy did nothing more than draw misfortune and trouble. He's... destined to suffer.
aye aye captain~
It hurts but it also sparks something in the young man in Anchor, the apartments are open when Gokudera returns they'll find one and turn it into a real home, just the two of them because he has to come back, right? This can't be all he has left, memories of a time before he can remember.
It's not the memory but the bomber that drives him towards the bathroom, he's injured, sure he has had worse but that doesn't change the fact that he is exhausted and hurt and so Yamamoto heads toward the bathroom, following the memory and his own instinct for the first time.
Once there he is in a haze, torn between what is happening here and what he is feeling back in Anchor, where his real body sits in a chair, rigid, grief stricken, inside broken in what he is beginning to fear is beyond repair. If prompts appear he follows automatically, filling the tub and finding the ointment.
It's not fair, Yamamoto can not see any of this as fair, how can they live somewhere like this, a beautiful home and yet still, the world has to be harsh and to the person he loves. When the water finishes he turns it off and rather it's prompts or need he is drawn to where Gokudera is.
His hands close over the bomber's shoulders, still holding the ointment he leans in, pressing his face into the back of his boyfriend's head. He wants to tell him everything he feels inside, tell him what is really happening, about Anchor, how much they have there despite how little there actually is.
How happy they were. Free to love each other any way they wanted and no one judged, their friends, and those who knew them in the colony were happy for them.
"I got a bath ready..." He doesn't know what to do with himself, how to get through this because as much as he wants happiness for Hayato, he is learning that no matter what he does, he seems to fail at giving it to him every time.
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Ever since then, no level on the EOS Tower owned by an Elite has ever been his home. There's no faith anyone that would want him would stay. But the bed he shares with Yamamoto is theirs. He doesn't need any materialistic comforts to communicate that this space can be his home as well.
If this version of Gokudera knew that his future would hold the swordsman in it, and that they could have a place, he'd be happy.
But as it is, he's focused in on how no matter what happens, it is his destiny to suffer and to bring pain to those around him.
"Thank you," He sighs at the hands on his shoulders, leans back some to be against the other boy. "I'm sorry... that you saw me like that." In need of help when they both know he could have taken down the Elite that hurt him.
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He wants to promise it will all be okay, that no matter what they will be together and that even if he or he could say when because he knows, he leaves this world again they will find each other. And that in his heart, he will always love Hayato, no matter where they are or what they are doing.
When he leans back Yamamoto wraps around him, leaning he presses his nose against Hayato's cheek and for a moment he just holds him. In this simulation there are no tears, in Anchor they start anew, a ghost of that familiar caress felt even as he knows it's not real. I miss you....
He thinks it only to himself, instead here he follows what the scenario shows him, what his instincts say comes second. All he wants to do is be here, with Hayato as long as he can.
"Don't, please don't ever apologize for needing me..." Yes they both know he could have taken him. Though Hayato probably understands better why he didn't, Yamamoto knows enough to know that because of the caste, that it was impossible and that what he did was probably the worst thing he could have done.
"I've got some ointment that should help, let's take care of what we can." The rest will be there, right now he just wants to take care of Hayato, to wash away some of his pain, some of his struggle with the love he has for him, even if it's only for a few moments.
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He thinks he grew up on this dying planet, and when he came of age, when the Tenth, Yamamoto, Ryohei, Chrome... all of them as young kids grew up, they left him. They became Elite, and he was left a mongrel on his own, and then they left the world entirely.
And now they're back and they don't remember what Gokudera thinks is the truth. He's been alone for six years, he believes.
"I'm sorry you had to see what this world is like"
And if he were still alive to tell him that now, he would. He does not want Takeshi to witness the kind of weak person he was before he came to Anchor.
"Alright." Gokudera turns gently, presses a soft kiss to his owner's chin, and then moves into the bathroom, shedding his clothes easily before climbing into the tub and relaxing.
"Don't tell the Tenth... I'll tell him everything. No need to worry him about something like this." And he points at his neck. As usual, Gokudera does not put himself first. What is most important is that Yamamoto and Tsuna do not get targeted by Elites, that the family stays safe. That Gokudera is viewed as the cause of the problem. NOT the Vongola. It's too important.
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That once they are there, despite him not remembering they still find each other, still love each other. This hurts because it also makes him realize, from the first moment they were together on Anchor must have been so hard for Hayato, to see him every day, to be in such close proximity and not be able to hold him. Part of him now feels that ache as he lets the bomber step away.
"Don't be, I miss you needing me.." Crap, those are the wrong words, they probably won't even register in the program but they are the truth. He misses the way they needed each other, both leaning on the other in Anchor for strength.
The soft kiss closes his eyes for a moment, he wants him, it's not arousal, it's his heart and soul aching to be with Hayato again. To draw him baths, to watch as he reads through a book or intensely works on something, the way his brow creases. To see some of the strain of this place wash away.
Instead, all he can do is follow Hayato to the bath, for a moment his eyes harden. Yes, he loves Tsuna but the bomber has to stop always putting the other first, not that Yamamoto himself is not guilty of this but now, as much as he loves Tsuna, he loves Hayato tenfold and that means for him, he is the most important.
"He's going to worry, you know how he is but it'll be okay.." We can get through this together is what he thinks but he is too heartbroken to open that subject again, not now when he has the bomber here in front of him. Even if he knows that it won't matter what he says here and now, this will end the way he let it during the original memory. Instead, he opens the ointment. Maybe he can not change things, maybe he can not bring Hayato back, maybe this is all he has but at least, he has this.
Finally curving his lips into that patient smile of his, trying his best to act like himself even if at the moment Yamamoto back in Anchor is not sure who that is, too lost without the bomber to go on and process.
"It will all work out, we'll be together." Maybe it sounds like his usual optimism, except maybe there is conviction in it, he knows this is not their end and he knows, that at least for a moment in time, they were able to be really happy together.
Now all he can do is feel his grief and hope they can feel it again, while he lives within the memories stored in this collar, relives parts of their lives that he does not remember.
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"It doesn't feel real. None of this does. Gyro is mad at me, too... doesn't believe I'm a native to this place. How is it so unbelievable? If this world could pull people from their homes, why can't this place create? It's not dead..." Everything around them, to Gokudera, is dead.
"The Tenth wants to change this world." Gokudera looks over at Yamamoto and he sits up. "I think it's impossible, but..." A heavy sigh. "He's the boss."
Gokudera looks at the ointment, closes his eyes and bows his head forward to allow the Elite to apply it.
"I just want to settle down... like this." Be together with the swordsman, live comfortably and not feel like he's just some burden to everyone.
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He knows that Hayato has been here alone is not his fault, he knows that not all of it is real even here, there is something off about this entire place, coming at it from Anchor he can see the stark differences in the realness of that Dome and this place. Yet, it's all real to his boyfriend.
"You're not a native but I don't want to fight, even if this place isn't real, we are, that's all that matters." We're real, we will be together away from this hell we are in now. Someday in the future for this Hayato, he knows this is true but he does not know how to make him understand that. Too much fear at shorting out this memory, letting those soft charges he feels turn into something that takes away his only link to the bomber.
"You can tell him what you think, he'll listen." Or maybe Yamamoto can talk to him, of course not that he knows what he actually did here. But for him now, the one who has grown on Anchor since they arrived there would definitely go to Tsuna and try to stop the strain he is putting on Hayato.
He takes some of the ointment on his fingers, gently applying it, his heartbreaking in repeated waves as he takes in what Hayato suffered, what he could not protect him from. Yamamoto is grateful Hayato is leaning forward, he can not see the tears spring into his eyes. They were so close, almost there, sure Anchor was kind of desolate, but they wanted for nothing and they had a life, a good one.
"We will, I'll give you that one day, I swear." He means it, he'll fight every world there is, never stop reaching and trying to be with the bomber, no matter where life may take them.
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"We won't. It doesn't matter, anyways," Whether he's native or not, he still feels longing. Even having his boss and Yamamoto with him, his attitude in regards to his own self worth is garbage. "You should just enjoy this life while you can." Because once Yamamoto grows old and grey, he won't be of any use to this world. They'll knock him down the same as Gokudera. At that point, they'll both be too old to fight back.
He sighs.
"Do you mean it?" Gokudera looks up and over at Yamamoto, and this is a totally unrelated question. "When you said it earlier.... that you love me?" He feels unworthy, and lifts a hand to touch at the back of Yamamoto's, green eyes shifting to look at his crying owner without judgement.
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He's so lost here, even though they are together he does not see that same happiness he sees on Anchor, even with this they are still not free, he can only do what he is doing and ease what he can, he can not save Hayato, he is destined to always fail him. Or so it feels, if he comes back to Anchor or when he finds him again because Yamamoto believes he will, he will find some way to do what he should have all along, save him, not let him go, give him everything he has to the very last drop.
Why wasn't it me, why did it have to be him who suffered all this, the collar, the mongerl, and elite classes, why could it not have been Yamamoto who endured while Hayato had his freedom. "I don't need all of this as long as I have you." Labels don't matter to him, creature comforts don't matter to him, he wants a life they can enjoy not one he can enjoy while Hayato struggles within himself and within society.
Yamamoto's freezes, tears moving down his cheeks now as for a moment he can not speak, not so long ago Hayato did not have to ask him that, he knew in everything Yamamoto did that he was loved. He deserves to have that again and as he smiles at his boyfriend, the swordsman links his fingers through Hayato's, bringing the bomber's to his heart, flattening the palm there he looks him in the eye, much the way he whispered words of love to this same boy's heart, now he lets him feel the steady thrum of his own as he repeats those words. "With every thing I have I meant them, I love you and I'll only ever love you."
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"I didn't mean to cause such a problem..." He says with a sigh. Gokudera may not be at fault for the problems this world has, but this specific issue is because he didn't know how to walk away from a fight.
"Mmmnn I'm not going anywhere." He says softly and smiles at Yamamoto and his kind words. There are no longer options available for the swordsman to pick. This memory is starting to fade. They are close, but this night, this memory is not one Gokudera held onto for any other reason than to hear that Yamamoto Takeshi loved him. That he saw worth in him, and was not like most Elites Gokudera had come to know.
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He needs this young man more than he has ever needed anything and his body in Anchor sings to life with grief and pain the moment the memory begins to fade. Reality trying to fight it's way back in to remind him that what he has here in this simulation is temporary and will be taken away from him the same as his boyfriend.
"It's not your fault...." Not that it matters if he says it, he would never blame Hayato for not walking away from a fight, he knows how fierce he is and he knows the damage this world has done to him, he has been loving the aftermath back into happiness and now.
Now he's lost it.
"I'm lost without you, it should have been me." At that moment Yamamoto does not know if he says those words in the simulation or out loud in Anchor, it does not matter either way because the memory is fading and those are the words that are in this Yamamoto's heart. Hayato should never have had to suffer any of this, the world had done enough before this started and it continues to do more.
There may be tears streaming down his face but the eyes that hold Hayato till the last moment shine with love through their grief, he sees more than worth in Hayato Gokudera, he sees his heart, his soul, his life, his future. And without him, Yamamoto has lost them all.
When it fades back in Anchor he rips the VR equipment from his head, throwing it across the room as the pain takes over. He falls from the chair, down to his knees on the floor as silent sobs shake his shoulders. Fingers gripping into his knees, smearing the blood from them on his pants and he does not even notice, he is lost to the reality once more. Only now, he is in this reality having seen first hand what Amoi was, what Amoi did, and was to Hayato and he hates it, hates himself.
The zombies may be gone but it is a toss up of when he walks out of this room rather he will go to the base, curl into himself and fade away as he does now, unable to reach out to anyone through his grief or if he will head to the AZ, to the wilds there and seek out a creature or two to take some of his hatred out on.
As of this moment, till Hayato returns these are the only two things he has. Grief and rage, both of them consume him at a constant, steady pace and each day he breaks under them a little more.