redshiftlogs | Open: A Kindness to soothe the hurts

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Open: A Kindness to soothe the hurts

Cole is what he is because of what he does and so what he does is try and help.

He doesn't understand electricity, or computers, or what 'genes' are. He can't cook because he doesn't eat and he barely recognises the robots as existing because they lack the thing that makes him realise they're real.

So he lets himself sit, quiet and open and he listens for the hurts he can help. The things that need soothing and the emotional wounds that fester and need lancing and the aches that just need airing to begin healing.

And when he hears it, he follows.

OOC: (Cole is a spirit of Compassion and has an instinctively understanding of what is troubling people and what might help them recover. This can be as simple as listening to someone talk, or as complex as setting up a situation that would allow them to relax and forget about it for a while.

If your muse needs (or wants) some kindness, leave a top level and Cole will come to help.)

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

If there's one thing that Peter's time in Hadriel had taught him, it's that the best way to deal with your emotions is to totally bottle them fuckers up and pretend they don't exist. Make like Elsa, conceal don't feel, etc. So far it's been working out for him, especially when he has something else to focus on. Something to fix or reprogram, someone to talk to or teach. Any excuse not to think about himself he'll jump at, but not everyone keeps the same ridiculous hours that he does, not everything needs fixed or tinkered with, and every now and then he's left with too much time to think.

He can usually find a distraction, which is what has brought him to the library. Not his first choice when it comes to seeking entertainment, but like, books can be distracting. Right?

Maybe if Peter wasn't as exhausted as he is and was able to actually focus on the words he was reading, they'd be distracting. He can't keep his attention on this book to save his life, though. Instead, his mind keeps wandering back home. Back to his Aunt May, his friends, how it's been over a year and he still has no idea if any of them are even alive after what Thanos had done. He misses them so goddamn much, but he'll never have a chance to go home and find out if they'd even survived because he's dead. Super dead. He'd failed to save the universe and he'd died, and his last words to Tony Stark, whose arms he'd literally died in, sum his feelings on the matter up pretty succinctly.

"I'm sorry." Sorry for failing? Sorry for dying? He's sorry for a lot of things.

The distraction book has long since been given up on. It lies open on the floor next to Peter's chair, and he's just sitting there with his face buried in his hands, sobbing his dumb little heart out. The down side of the bottling your emotions up to deal with grief strategy is that when you bottle up too much, it doesn't just overflow. It fucking shatters.

tl;dr Peter's sad in the library :(

"You don't need to be sorry. You did nothing that needs an apology."

Cole's voice is soft and inherently soothing, comforting in that way that someone who understands is. He doesn't come too close in case Peter freaks out, but he's close enough to be heard, to be a quiet presence.

"You did your best. You were a child and it wasn't your responsibility to be perfect, or to handle that. Children shouldn't be forced into adult issues. By others or their own expectations." He shuffles a little closer. "It's okay to miss them and grieve their absence. It's okay to grieve because you died. I died and it was awful and I cried a lot until I came to terms with it."

Peter sort of freaks out. It's less a freak out and more just jumping out of his chair because HEY he thought he was alone, but if he had more energy he'd probably be crab walking up one of the walls. But nah, he just stands there for a second before realizing that this weird dude isn't a threat, and awkwardly lowers himself back into his chair while he listens to him. And uh. Then rubs at his eyes a bit because he'd kind of just been crying his little eyeballs out a minute ago, and he doesn't really want some stranger seeing him all upset and shit.

It was a little too late for that, but you know.

"...I-- okay. I know that all that stuff you just said was like, super profound and I should probably like, take it to heart or something? But what the Hell. Did you just read my mind, dude?"

He'll get back to focusing on all the important emotional stuff in a minute, right after his mind is done being blown.

Edited 2019-08-23 18:33 (UTC)

"Sort of."

A lot of people put it that way, that he reads minds, but he doesn't, not exactly. He hears souls. Sees souls. "You have an inside and an outside. Mortals speak outside to outside. I hear what the inside says. So I can understand and then help. That's Compassion."

He crouches down a bit to look at Peter's face. "I hear thoughts and emotions, I can feel memories from people and things."

Peter's still pretty weirded out by this whole... thing, but this dude isn't pinging the spider-senses at all. He can't quite manage to relax, but he does lean back in his chair a bit. Awkwardly, since that's how he does everything.

"Huh. Okay, that's... interesting. I mean, it seems a little invasive? But I'm guessing that's not something you can just turn off?"

It's not like Peter can turn his powers off, so maybe that was a stupid question. Still, it's steering the conversation away from his emotional baggage. Or at least he's hoping it is. Avoidance is the best way to deal with it, clearly.

"It's what I am." He perches himself on a stack of books, not looking at Peter anymore, watching his own feet. One toe pokes through a hole in the thin leather of his shoes.

"I'll help you ignore it if you really want, but if you keep ignoring it, it will kill you. Not your body, but it will kill the person you are for someone else." He tilts his head slightly, ear towards Peter.

Oh my God HE CAN READ ME LIKE A BOOK is absolutely what Peter's thinking right now. Feeling? Kind of both? He can't tell the difference anymore oh God.

Okay. Okay, this is weird, but Peter's dealt with weirder. Weirder and more threatening. So, this isn't super bad. Invasive, maybe? But maybe he needs some kind of weird, mind-reading therapy session thing right now? This dude seems to think so. So. Fuck it, YOLO, let's roll with this crazy shit.

"So- so I'd... essentially be double dead, cool. Okay, definitely don't want that. I just- y'know, I don't think I know what I really want? I mean, I guess I do, but what I really want is something I can't have, so it... it feels pointless to sit here and- and be all upset over it, you know?"

And hey, that was already a lot more words than he was expecting to sit here and toss at this guy. Progress? This probably counts as progress.

"Like, I have people here to look out for. If I don't have my head in the game like, all the time, something bad could happen. If I get caught up worrying about myself like that, I just... I don't know, it-- I... I just don't know, man."

"You're not dead. You died, but you're not dead. I died, but I'm not dead." If Peter were dead, Cole couldn't do this with him.

"If you were upset about things you could change, that would be pointless, because you could change it and should do that rather than just being upset. But you can't change this, so grieving it makes sense. You've lost so much, over and over, if that isn't worth your grief, what is? Don't those losses deserve mourning? I grieved for Cole's death for a long time. Sometimes it still aches."

He feels it sometimes. The loneliness, the hollow ache deep in his gut, the taste of moss on his tongue.

"Bad things happen. Doesn't matter if you watch or not. Other people make their choices to be cruel, just like you make yours to save them. You can't control the world, or other people, and nothing you do will change that. If you try to make them behave how you want, you become them. You care. You act out of care. That's more than a lot of people ever do. It's not all on you, Peter Parker. Just like it wasn't all on Tony, even if he thought it was."

He's fully aware of everything that he's lost, but somehow having it acknowledged by someone else makes it feel more real. Like, it's not just a thing he can sweep under a rug and hide away, it's something that someone else can see and point out to him and say 'face your issues you dumb dick'.

For now he just nods. It's kind of hard to reply with how tight his throat feels at the moment, and he has to pause to wipe at his eyes again anyway, so. Just a nod for now. Until this guy gets through the next part, anyway. There's the slightest hint of irritation when he brings Tony up, but it doesn't last long. At least, it isn't directed towards this guy for long. It sort of shifts towards Peter himself. "I just wanted to be like you,"
"I want you to be better," was this the kind of thing Tony was talking about? Kind of a 'hey Peter don't pick up my dumbass habits because I'm actually kind of a disaster'?

"...I mean, you're not wrong, I just... I guess I just feel lost? Kind of- kind of directionless? If I'm not trying to help people then I don't really know what to do with myself." If he's not seeking out all these distractions, he's dwelling on himself and, well. Ending up like he is right now.

"Good parents and mentors want us to be more than they were. Wynne wanted Rhys to be more than she was. Rhys wanted me to be everything I could, even when he thought I was a demon. Tony wanted you to be someone who didn't make the same mistakes he did. Someone... kinder. Someone who didn't have to hurt in the same ways."

Cole tucks his feet up so he can put his chin on his knees. "You can focus on helping people, I do. I was Compassion before I was Cole. But helping other people isn't the same as hurting yourself. And when you try to make yourself responsible for everything you can experience... you're just hurting yourself."

Peter has no idea who this guy is talking about, but he gets it. Everything Cole is saying makes sense, and Peter's mentally kicking himself for not realizing any of this stuff sooner.

He's probably not going to stop being a self sacrificing little boy scout, but maybe he'll tone it down a bit. He's no good to anyone else if he really is just hurting himself all the time, after all. Not that it's going to be an easy habit to break, but realizing that there's a problem is a good first step.

"Thanks. I-- not gonna lie, this has been really weird? But I... I think I needed this."

"Most people say I'm weird and time with me is weird. It's okay. I know weird isn't always bad." It is from Sera, but Sera hates him because he scares her, but she calls him 'him now, not 'it'.

"You did need it. That's why I gave it to you. It's hard to learn that suffering doesn't make you right or noble or mean you're helping. Suffering is just suffering. Helping is helping."

"I mean, in this case, I'd say it's a good weird."

Good Weird that this guy is just calling Peter out on all his dumb Peter bullshit and making him face it rather than just pretend that everything is fine all the time.

"I'm gonna work on that. I'm probably not gonna get it right away? Just, old habits die hard, y'know? But I'll work on it. And hey, you let me know if you ever need anything, okay?"

"I can't change you. I wouldn't if I could. I just want to help you." Cole gives a very small, blink and you'll miss it smile. "And I don't need things. But... thank you for wanting to help."

The last bit is spoken carefully, like someone has reminded him a lot that that is the proper response.

"Well, the offer's still there, regardless. I mean, even if it's as simple as wanting to just hang out and chat, that totally counts too."

Because Peter has decided that they are totally friends now. He's just gonna start collecting friends like Pokemon.

Almost as an afterthought, Peter holds a hand out to Cole to shake, if he's the hand shaking type. "Nice to meet you, by the way. You said your name was... Cole?"

He'd said a lot of stuff, but Peter's pretty sure he'd heard that part right.

Cole looks at the offered hand, up to Peter and then extends his hand slowly.

He's thin. Painfully thin. His skin is almost translucent in places, the nails grubby and broken, the fingers themselves calloused, but surprisingly strong as he grasps Peter's hand.

He doesn't shake. But he clasps, more like a medieval style greeting. "Yes. Cole. And you're Peter."

Y'know what Peter can roll with this almost-hand shake. He's not so sure he wants to try shaking such a frail looking dude anyway, but hey. Good grip!

"Yeah! I mean, I think you pulled that out of my head yourself, but yeah."

"Yes, I did." He lets go again and picks at the greying wraps again. They're almost as much threads as cloth by now.

Now that Peter feels a little better, has had the spiral of self doubt and hurt interrupted, Cole isn't sure what to do. He could just fade away, but it seems... rude.

It's that awkward part of the conversation when neither party is sure where to go next so they sit in silence for a minute. Peter is used to it, most of his conversations go like this.

"W-well, uh. If you have other stuff to do, don't let me keep you. Or, y'know, hang around and grab a book? There's some pretty weird stuff in here. Interesting, but weird."

"I don't. No one else needs me right now. I could go back to my storage cupboard, but I usually do that at night." When no one will need him for a few hours.

"I don't need a book. Why would I grab one?"

I mean that's weird bro. That's super weird. Storage cupboard, really?

"Books for uh, entertainment? Like, of you get bored? So- wait, do you not have a room?"

"Like Varric's stories." Varric's books, but he didn't like handling them, he prefered to listen to someone read. Like Cassandra, or Varric himself. "I don't know if I get bored. I have a storage cupboard I store myself in when there's nothing needs doing."

[I mean Peter has no idea who Varric is, so suuuuure?]

...Okay, um. That doesn't sound very comfortable, y'know? There are plenty of rooms open, why don't you move into one of those?

"I don't need a room. I don't sleep, so I don't need a bed. I don't own anything so I don't need to store anything!" He's quite proud of his logic.

YEAH that sure is some kinda logic, bro. But hey, Peter can roll with that. Like hey man, you do you.

"Hey, fair enough. If that's working for you, then more power to you."

Man though, not needing sleep would be like, the best super power.

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