benhargreeves (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
benhargreeves) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
redshiftlogs2019-11-20 08:16 pm
benhargreeves) wrote in redshiftlogs2019-11-20 08:16 pm
[openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
Who: Ben + anyone
What: A catch-all
When: November through December
Where: Anywhere!
[ Poke me at platoapproved#9602 on discord orplatoapproved on plurk to plot something, or feel free to leave a starter!]
What: A catch-all
When: November through December
Where: Anywhere!
[ Poke me at platoapproved#9602 on discord or
platoapproved on plurk to plot something, or feel free to leave a starter!]
no subject
But he doesn't interrupt his brother, and very slowly it starts to sink in that maybe... the idea of it isn't completely 100% absurd and non-realistic. Klaus does know more about this sort of stuff than Ben does, by a mile. He'd figured his shit out way before Ben, even back when Ben was still alive the first time. And he'd had so many more years since then, being involved with people - bad relationships, good relationships, short relationships, and a few longer ones now, too. If anyone could recognize the line between friendship and something different, it would be Klaus, not Ben.
Klaus isn't wrong. Ben does want to make Cole happy. He thinks about it so frequently, and when he does manage it, there's nothing quite like it...
It doesn't feel like he feels when he makes Klaus or Allison laugh. It doesn't feel like it does when he makes Peter or Kieran or Pratt or Cho or Ami happy. It... feels different. More nervous, more charged, more...
Oh. ]
...Oh.
[ Ben swallows, eyes wide, hand coming up to cover his mouth in an unconscious gesture of surprise. Maybe it's not silly, at all. The thing is... maybe Klaus is the one who is completely right, after all. Maybe there isn't anything stopping him. Maybe he's been an idiot this whole time.
Ben just sits there for a moment, reeling as a series of different memories recontextualize themselves in his mind. Cole communicating through the portal that first time. Eating ice cream together after that awful day he'd discovered the hidden cameras. Reading to him at that stupid sap festival and then finding their way out of the Pit. The two of them playing in the hot springs, laughing together. Every time Cole had hugged him, for a long time. All the times they had held hands. How good it always felt, being around him. How safe. ]
I don't... I hadn't thought...
[ He just looks at Klaus, wide-eyed and lost, because this is uncharted territory, and it's good, he knows, but it's also actually rather terrifying. Ben had written all this off so long ago. Figured that he'd missed his chance, if that chance had ever existed. He hasn't put in the time figuring out who he might like and if he might like anyone and what he would want to do with them if he did and all of it is so huge and so important and so vulnerable and so unfamiliar.
His voice is tiny as he admits, voice even further muffled by his hand. ]
I... think maybe. You might. Be right.
no subject
What in the hell is he supposed to tell Ben if he starts asking about what to do if he likes a guy?? Shit shit shit...
He has a couple minutes to get his shit together, at least, because Ben is still processing the possibility that he might like a guy. Klaus furiously goes over all the stuff that had led up to him and Dave getting together, because the Julie thing has some parallels, but he still hasn't figured all that out completely. He's still draped against the back of the chair with his chin on his arms, watching as Ben processes and then finally says that Klaus might be right.]
Of course I am. I'm always right.
[It's jokey, in that affected voice he does when he's making light of something that's really not all that funny - he's not right about many things actually, and he knows it.]
I mean, I get it. I went a long time thinking I'd never be able to love someone, and then I thought I'd never love anyone else again ever, and then I did. Life is crazy, man.
[A beat.]
You okay? Do you wanna like, sit down or something?
no subject
And he does want to sit down. That plan, of heading out the door in a minute to go and see Cole? It's been put on hold. Probably for the night, because he needs to figure this all out. He can't go there with it all swimming in his head, tangled up and unclear. Because that's just the thing. Cole reads emotions, reads thoughts. Ben can't do what he would do if it were anyone else, what normal people do every day, and just hide it.
Which is when he realizes that the next time he sees Cole, he's going to be able to tell something's changed, he'll notice something, if not be able to sense the whole thing, and it's just a lot and Ben sinks into a seat again, dropping his face down to his hands. It's some comfort at least, hearing Klaus say he struggled with these things, too. For him, it wasn't quite the same, but he'd been unsure about commitment and attachment and it isn't like he'd just stumbled into anything perfect.
It's always nice, not to be the only dysfunctional one in a room. ]
I really hadn't... thought about it like that at all. He's- and I'm...
[ How had Cole put it to him, so long ago? That the two of them were always on the outside, watching everyone else do all the kissing and heartbreaking and loving and not ever being a part of it. He'd never thought he would be part of it.
But he has been for a while now, hasn't he? Without entirely knowing it. Hell, Cole's seen him naked. Ben had been okay with it, precisely because it was Cole. Part of his brain wants to insist that that is proof things are just friendly between them, but he can't think of any of the rest of his friends he'd be comfortable going to the hot springs with.
The confusion and uneasiness in Ben are tinging more and more towards fear, as he considers the facts of the situation. ]
He might not- want to be with me, like that. I mean, he's not a human. I don't think he's ever... had a boyfriend before or wanted one. What if I'm just - a complete idiot, falling for somebody who has no interest in...
[ He buries his face in his hands, cheeks burning. Ben feels like a kid again, like he's fifteen and scared of himself and humiliated at his own lack of certainty and comfort. Ben had avoided talking about these things for so long. But Klaus is here now, with that sympathetic look on his face, and there's nobody else Ben could talk to about this. No one who knows him even half so well. ]
I think I'm. Attracted to him.
[ Maybe it shouldn't be a lot, admitting that. But it is. For Ben, it's the first time he's directly, clearly articulated any kind of interest of that particular sort in another person. Ben knows Klaus will know that. His brother will understand this is something he's repressed and avoided and denied for a very, very long time. But there it is in plain words. He is attracted to Cole. Even if Cole doesn't feel the same, even if this whole thing is going to blow up disastrously, Ben at least knows this, now. There's a guy, and he's attracted to him, and that's the way it is. ]
no subject
There's more things about Ben than there ever could be about Klaus, and he knows it.]
Heeey, come on, come on, over here.
[Klaus slides his chair over closer to Ben's, and adjusts his arms so he can reach out and rest his left one on Ben's shoulder in solidarity. If nothing else, he can offer that, since whatever advice he has is gonna be crap. And, well, he can listen, and he does, while Ben explains that Cole isn't a human, that he's probably never had or wanted a boyfriend, that Ben is worried about falling for someone who has no interest in him.
Klaus snorts, rolls his eyes, but is smiling affectionately at his brother as he gives him a little shove on the shoulder.]
Dude. Welcome to being a queer. You never know if the other person has any interest in you because like, there's no way to just tell if a guy's gay or bi or whatever, except in real specific cases so like...man, I can't tell you how many guys I fell for who weren't interested or like, actually disgusted by it?
[Tilting his head, he hums, and then shrugs.]
Doubt Cole's gonna be like that anyway, he seems like a real nice guy. And who cares if he's human or not? I see dead people, you have a portal in your stomach, Luther is a giant ape, Five is an old man baby, the list goes on. It's not like we're normal. That's probably why he gets you so much besides the whole weird mind-reading thing.
[When Ben admits he's attracted to him, Klaus smiles, his whole expression going soft.]
Man. I hope it works out for you. You've been looking so happy, it's a good look on you.
no subject
You've always been so much braver than me, Klaus.
[ Brave enough to know who he was and what he wanted from such a young age, and here's Ben, only now starting to wonder, feeling strong enough to peer beneath the surface. Isn't he too old, for this sort of thing? Sure, he'd been full of reassurances when it was Klaus coming to him, having questions about himself based on how he feels for Julie. But he hadn't been starting from scratch, the way Ben feels like he is.
Though there is something, a funny sort of warmth just beneath his breastbone, when Klaus says welcome like that. Ben is going to have to do a lot of thinking and soul-searching to figure out how he identifies and what he wants and all that, but it's nice to feel, at least, that no matter what conclusions he comes to, Klaus will be here for him. Klaus will have his back. The same way Ben had been there for Klaus, when they were young and Klaus was confessing that actually, he really liked boys... ]
I guess you're right. I know all that, and- I don't mind, that he's a spirit. I just don't know if dating's really on the table. There was... a guy he told me about. Somebody back in his own world, who he was really close to, who helped him a lot when he was having a tough time. I kinda wondered once or twice if maybe they were sort of a thing, but I might've just been projecting, I don't know. And we... he seems to like um. Holding hands and hugging and stuff, but I don't know if... I just don't know.
[ All this is pretty radical and open and new for Ben, but articulating anything like a direct statement about sexuality, as it relates to himself, is still a big ask. He's trying his best. His face feels like he's on fire and he's restless with embarrassment, but he's really trying.
When Klaus says he hopes it works out, Ben finally looks up from his hands, face flushed and expression overwhelmed, but with just a tinge of hope in it, now. ]
I... have been really happy. He makes me happy.
[ Ben thinks about the way he has been thinking about things, lately. Not dreading the future or avoiding thinking about it, but looking forward to things. Making plans and feeling happy about what's yet to come. And some of those plans, a lot of those plans, had Cole in them.
He laughs, then, soft at first but rapidly growing uproarious. It's a relief of tension, and there are tears in the corners of his eyes, and he's a little shaky and a total mess. ]
I can't believe I'm having my first crush on a guy and I'm thirty freakin' years old. I can't believe you noticed it before I did. I don't know what I'm gonna do if this ruins everything between us. I - don't know what I'm gonna do if it works out, either. Is it always like this? Is it always this scary?!
[ Ben stops laughing, abrupt, and the sudden silence in the room is all the louder because it had just been so full. He's going through a lot of push and pull, right now, and the elation had given way to the old fears, and he asks, in a tiny voice. ]
What if I hurt him?
[ There's no logical, rational basis for the question. Ben knows that. He knows. But what if...
That had always been there, buried in the back of his mind. A seed planted, intentionally or unintentionally, by their dad so many years back. Saying that Ben was volatile, evil, inherently violent. Telling him that his body was linked with darkness and that if he didn't focus, if he didn't keep himself in check, they would run wild and he would hurt the people he cared about. So much of the person Ben is: his deliberateness, his seriousness, his rigidity, his anxiety, his self-denial, his shyness... comes down to this. The instinctive feeling that there's something rotten about him, and that if he lets himself get comfortable, it will slip out, and lay waste to everything he holds dear. ]
no subject
Thankfully, Klaus has a whole hell of a lot of experience with those sorts of moments. He's had a lot of them, not just in Nam or at the end of the world, but in Hadriel and now Anchor. A lot has changed, and even if he'd never been the one to buy in to what Reggie taught them, Klaus still remembers all the emotions that came with the fuzzy, hazy time after he'd left when he stopped believing any of it and realized Reginald Hargreeves was just a sad neurotic cruel old man who shouldn't have been allowed to have children. And that he didn't know shit about the children he had.
Liberating. Terrifying. Remembering what it feels like means Klaus knows Ben probably just needs him to hang here and keep his arm around him and be with him and be on his side and listen while he talks about how happy he's been around Cole, that he doesn't mind Cole being a spirit but is worried about whether romance is a thing Cole wants at all. Klaus gets it. There are parallels in that to liking men and how dicey and dangerous it seems to change any friendship and take it to the next level like that. The fear of rejection and not being wanted, it suuuucks.]
I mean, yeah, yeah yeah I totally get that, but you can't just...hunker down and ignore all this stuff just because you're scared, right? Ben, you're alive, and Reggie's not here and you should live a little. You have to take a risk sometime, man.
[But he falls quiet again as Ben keeps going on, about being thirty and having his first crush and not realizing he has it and what if he hurts him and why is it so scary, and Klaus gets it. Oh god, he gets it. Klaus has been poison to everyone he touches for as long as he can remember, so he knows how it feels.]
Okay, circling back around to that whole 'it's not like we're normal' thing. I mean, dad had you convinced you were...you know. When you're not. At all. And we were like, totally isolated from everyone for a really long time, and then you were dead for another really long time. I think maaaaybe you have an excuse or two for not having a crush til now, so don't beat yourself up over that.
[A shrug, and he glances over at Ben.]
I mean, that's the rub, or whatever they say in Shakespeare, right? Any relationship is gonna be like that. Someone's gonna hurt someone, and then if it's a good relationship they figure their shit out and get on with it. It's all that risks versus rewards shit, you know?
[He rubs Ben's back, between his shoulder blades, smiling over at him, tired and fond.]
But, I mean, out of all of us you've always been the diplomatic one. Pretty sure you can handle this, and I'm pretty sure that things are gonna work out just fine. And hey...I'm always going to be here, no matter what.
no subject
Ben's really glad he has a brother like Klaus, right now.
Klaus does know him too well - that impulse in him to hide, to ignore the things that frighten him and hope they merely go away. Ben feels a twinge of guilt when he tells him not to do that which, yeah, Ben might have otherwise been tempted to do. And Klaus is right, too, about why Ben is on a different timeline than most people.
Until, that is, they get to the last part. And all Klaus's advice is sound, and good - probably being with Dave had taught him that. But he's missed the mark. Ben curls forward, running hands through his hair, fingernails digging into the back of his neck, his distress eloquent even without him saying a word. ]
No, I mean-
[ It's a conundrum, because Klaus is the person Ben is closest to in the world, but also, he's his sibling. Not that that had ever stopped Klaus from being perfectly blunt about his own sex life, but it's another matter, for Ben. Still he manages: ]
You know I haven't. Been with anybody. What if - he is into me, and things get- y'know, and we're- and something goes wrong, and I. Hurt him.
[ Ben presses a hand into his stomach, over the portal. If Ben were thinking more clearly, he would remember that Cole has been able to communicate with the creatures on the other side of the portal, is on good terms with them. He would recognize this as an irrational fear. But it's an old irrational fear, stuck deep in his mind like a splinter. This is new territory. What if it turns out he's a monster after all, and this is the way he finally finds that out for sure?
He turns, meeting Klaus's gaze, eyes wet with tears that he's stubbornly managing not to shed - but only just. Reggie might not be here, like Klaus had said - but in a way, he still is. The echoes of him are there in Ben's mind, telling him he is a nauseating, unnatural creature that doesn't deserve happiness. ]