redshiftlogs | [openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

"She wasn't. She realised that I didn't mean any harm and wasn't interested in what her body looks like. I just wanted to know that she wouldn't hurt Rhys while they were travelling together."

His lack of interest in her had been total and she seemed to understand that. In return, she hasn't been angry. Shocked, for sure. She had impressed on him not to do it. But not angry.

As they walk, Cole hangs onto Ben's hand, squeezing periodically to remind him of the pressure, reassure him that he was still here, still solid.

"My outside and inside aren't as different. I don't like lots of people noticing me, it scares me. It's not natural for me, that why people don't notice me, forget me easily. It wouldn't matter if I was wearing clothes or not."

Ben smiles, liking this Evangeline a bit better for it. It's always good, these little reminders of times when people were accepting or accommodating of Cole, when they treated him with understanding and respect. Ben still thinks it didn't happen nearly often enough for his taste, but... he's glad it did, on occasion.

He listens to Cole's answer thoughtfully. Since he hasn't got Cole's powers, all he has at his disposal is his empathy and imagination. He tries to put himself in Cole's mindset, where outside and inside were not as disconnected. Ben isn't sure it's really something he can imagine. More than other people, he thinks, he has always regarded his own body with a sidelong glance of distrust. Growing up, he had thought of his body as the thing trapping his mind, the thing that housed the portal, his powers, Them. It had been an enemy and perhaps a tentative ally, but never entirely and exactly him.

"Yeah, okay. That makes sense."

Ben might not be able to really and truly understand Cole's indifference towards the outward appearance of his own body, but he at least can relate on one of the points.

"I don't like lots of people noticing me, either. It scares me, too."

But there's no one around, to notice either of them. Just Ben and Cole, making their way through the sleeping Anchor, towards the spa. Why had he ever thought going on his own was a good idea? He should have realized all along that inviting Cole was the best option.

"...but I don't like nobody noticing me."

There's a hint of humor to how Ben says it, because he's sure Cole feels the same, and he recognizes there is some inherent silliness to it. Both of them, for their own reasons, not wanting to be the center of attention. Both of them, having been at various points mostly invisible, unheard, unremembered, disconnected from others.

Edited 2019-11-22 00:15 (UTC)

"If too many people notice, it goes badly, things are bad. but if no one notices, it's because no one can notice, no one can see and being wholly and totally alone is unnatural, horrifying. It means not being able to reach out."

Ben's relationship with his body is something that Cole can only understand from Ben's feelings and mind. Cole occupies nothing, manifested and wholly himself. All bits of himself.

"You did know. You didn't want to be alone, so I came. You just didn't have to use your voice." Ben wanted to not be alone, even if he didn't consciously realise that at the moment Cole did.

"Exactly."

Not being able to reach out. Ben squeezes Cole's hand, a little of the terror from that dream uncurling again inside him, but it's easy to banish, with Cole here. And there it is - the door to the spa. His prediction had been right; the usual buzz of people and robots here is entirely absent. When Ben opens the door and they walk through, there is no one in that tranquil lobby. The music is still playing, the fountains splashing softly, but they are unattended.

Ben prefers it that way.

The area that is like a hot springs is clearly marked with a little plaque, and Ben heads in that direction. How lucky he is, to have a friend who can know that Ben needs them, even without him having to use his voice - something that's never ever been his strong suit.

When they reach the little changing room on the other side, with benches, cute little cubbies and lockers for people's possessions, and a large stack of fluffy towels, Ben gives Cole's hand one last little grateful squeeze and lets go.

"I guess we just... get undressed and go in, then?"

His hesitance comes from wishing there were a little more instruction; what if he breaks some rule he didn't even realize was there? At the same time, all that freedom is... kind of fun. Like they are sneaking in, even though there's no reason they shouldn't be allowed to use this place.

Cole follows along happily, still holding onto Ben's hand and gripping until the very last moment, when Ben lets go and moves away.

"I don't know. I've never done this. Do you want me to get in as well? I haven't been in hot water before." Someone else might pick up the pun in that, that Cole's been in the metaphorical hot water a lot, but it's Cole. He remains blissfully unaware of how it could be taken.

"In Skyhold, you could just go in. You got undressed by the pools. Or somewhere else and wore a robe. Whatever you wanted. I don't mind how you want to do this."

It takes Ben a moment to realize that Cole doesn't just mean that he's never been to a hot springs before. He means hot water, full stop. As in any hot water. Which is even more surprising than when Ben found out Cole had never had ice cream. Not a single hot shower, not once in his life.

And Ben knows that Thedas is different. That Cole's a spirit and that the human Cole had lived a life of deprivation and misery. But still.

Hot showers had been such an important thing for him, growing up. His favorite part of any mission, if it could indeed be called a part of it, was when they got back home and he got to be alone, away from his siblings and his father and even Grace, to pull off his uniform and get into the shower and wash away all the blood, the bits of bone or viscera he sometimes found in his hair. It had been a daydream of his, so strong and so frequently reinforced that it probably bordered on an actual delusion at times, that when he showered off after a mission, he wasn't just getting clean, but that the water was erasing anything that had just happened - anything he'd done - from ever having happened.

Some missions, the only way he could keep going was inventing imaginary countdowns, to when it would be over and he would be home and he would turn on the taps to let the water heat up until he could see steam billowing over the shower curtain. Ben and Klaus both used water to cope, but Klaus wanted to be submerged, in the quiet underneath the water. Ben wanted it passing over him and gone, taking whatever was on him away, and the top layer of himself along with it.

So to think that Cole has never felt that...

Ben doesn't know if he'll enjoy it the same way a human would, but it's worth trying, because what if Cole does love it? What if it's his favorite thing and he's never had a chance to know that before now?

With a sudden surge of energy and decision, Ben makes up his mind. He grabs a pair of towels - no robes, because he wants to try swimming, and because he's trying to push his boundaries a little - and then, impulsively, a heap of the various little bottles of salts and oils and bubbles and whatever else they've got in there. He clutches all of it to his chest, turning to Cole with a smile.

"Let's try it. Together."

Might as well follow the Skyhold customs, since he doesn't know any other ones; Ben heads on to the hot springs, finds a decent spot near the water to set down the towels and - wow he really did grab a lot of those little bottles, huh? Then, it's just a matter of getting undressed, but he feels propelled on the momentum of wanting this to be a shared experience. So he undresses quickly, without waiting and letting doubts catch up to him. He is, indeed, uneasy and awkward, but he is also full of determination not to let that stop him.

Cole is busy just letting senses and impressions wash over him like waves, surging and ebbing, good moments, bad feelings washed clean with hot water and Cole thinks that this will be good, like ice cream was good.

"Okay!" He follows after Ben, flickering from side to side in wisps of smoke, not because he's distressed but with sheer excitement. Ben's excitement is, for Cole, contagious.

When they reach the edge of a pool, Cole sets down his hat and then starts peeling off layers. He's completely unashamed, even as he bares more skin, revealing a surprisingly toned and muscled form under the shapeless clothes, marked with the faint scars expected from a childhood of deprivation and no modern medical knowledge (but some magical healing).

Naked, Cole looks to Ben, canting his head. "Do we just walk into it?"

Ben is not quite so naturally unashamed, but he is managing a careful neutrality and nonchalance over the whole thing that is honestly pretty big progress, for him. Once he's gotten his clothes all folded and tucked on a flat rock safely a little ways from the water's edge, he glances over to Cole. It's odd, seeing him without the hat, but good, too. He doesn't look anywhere below Cole's collarbones for now because, even if Cole wouldn't give a shit, some things are just ingrained.

"I think so? Maybe there are steps... Ah!"

He spots a place in the spring that is clearly meant to make getting in easier, with some flat rocks arranged in descent into the water. Ben, a little jittery, but happy, too, goes first. The temperature of the water is just right; Ben sighs in contentment, moves in until it's up to his chest and stops, turning back to face Cole.

"C'mon, it's awesome!"

Cole looks at the water, briefly unsure, but then Ben slips in and his delight pours over Cole, making him relax and come over to the same entry point.

He puts a foot in first, giving a sharp, small inhale. He moves in slowly and steadily, heat flushing his pale skin fast, up into warm pinks. "It's... not like a lake. At all. Or the ocean." He keeps moving in until he's chest deep and then he takes a deep breath and sinks under the water entirely.

He doesn't need to breathe, exactly, but it's what you do when you go underwater. And the heat-

It's so unlike anything. It's like being held wrapped in arms and legs and senses and kept soft and warm and safe. He can feel the clean heat of it reaching over his scalp, through his hair, not hot like being in the desert, prickling and uncomfortable, but soothing.

He surfaces after a long, long moment, water streaming down his face and neck and a bright smile. "It's amazing!"

Ben doesn't have Cole's abilities, so he has to watch him to get his reaction to the hot springs. He notices, this time, that Cole definitely has more muscle than he'd been expecting (and really doesn't that just go to show exactly what he'd been thinking, earlier, because he's sure Cole didn't have any expectations one way or another about Ben's muscles or any other detail like that). But Ben sets that thought aside, instead, giving Cole a bright and encouraging smile.

And Cole seems to warm up (ha) to the experience quickly, even ducking his head under the water. Ben laughs softly then, looking down at him under the surface, his pale hair drifting out in the water. He feels just the tiniest prickle of worry when Cole doesn't come up quickly, then realizes it's probably not a problem? He's a spirit, right, so... he might not need to breathe at all. But even having had that logical thought, Ben keeps hovering nearby, just in case. And there is definite relief in him when Cole comes up again. A relief that becomes joy, huge and energetic, when he sees how Cole is smiling.

"Isn't it?"

Ben submerges himself, this time, just for a few seconds, to get his hair wet. When he comes up again he pushes it back from his face, and that nightmare is the furthest thing from his mind, now. He had never felt warm, as a ghost. Not for a second. There's no questioning it now that he has a tangible body, no questioning that he is not disconnected and alone.

The awkwardness and embarrassment are gone now that he's in the water; why had he even worried in the first place? He was right, knowing this would be easy enough with Cole here. So many things just feel easier with Cole. And better, too. Ben is so happy that he gets to be here as Cole is discovering this.

"I think you can adjust the temperature of the water somewhere, but it's kinda perfect right now."

His own cheeks are beginning to be slightly flushed from the heat, and he can't seem to stop smiling.

Cole sinks into the water again, tipping his head back to let it soak and then straightening up. It might be one of the few times his hair hasn't obscured his face since he got here (since he left Rhys) and while the water has soaked his hair dark, it's apparent that he could probably do with a good scrub down at some point.

"Are baths and showers always like this? Not... cold and scrubbing, rough red raised sharp, clean you up, get going again, can't waste good water on this."

Which might explain his aversion to bathing in general, since it isn't a body shyness.

He shakes his head, splattering water droplets everywhere and giving a genuine giggle of delight.

It is so strange, to easily see so much of Cole's face, without any shadows from that hat, without his hair obscuring his eyes. Ben can actually see the color of them, the shape of Cole's brow and forehead. To Cole, his outside may not matter a great deal. But for someone without Cole's abilities, being able to see his face makes the emotions there all the clearer. And of course, he does not see Cole's face with detached objectivity. It's a face he's seen before - obscured, yes, but seen it - and that he has come to associate with feelings of happiness and friendship and acceptance and support. There are reasons emotional and neurochemical, as well, that seeing Cole's familiar face makes Ben full to bursting with happiness.

"Maybe not always, but yeah, most of the time they are."

He thinks, deliberately this time, of how relieved he'd always felt, being able to scrub himself down after a mission, or washing his hair in the evening after a miserable day. To him, bathing was the opposite of Cole's experience. It was a rare moment of privacy, of physical comfort and indulgence, of being allowed to make decisions for himself, take care of himself.

"It's not a waste, here. There's plenty of water - here and in any of the residential rooms with a shower."

This isn't like the ice cream, where Cole could theoretically be depriving someone else, but letting himself experience something nice. Ben wants to make sure he understands that.

And when Cold shakes water from his hair and giggles like that, Ben feels a dazzling rush of fondness. It's utterly contagious, and he laughs, too, bringing his arms up to block any of those oncoming droplets from hitting his face. Then, a childish impulse seizes him, and he arcs his arm, dragging his hand through the surface of the water at an angle and sending a huge splash of water in Cole's direction. Goading Cole into splashing him back - no competitiveness or hostility to it, just a game, something silly and frivolous.

Cole's eyes are a pale blue. So pale they're almost silver in certain lights. It's likely that his hair is actually a very pale gold, not the darker honey blonde that it often looks under the hat. He has the colouring of nordic lands, little sun for much of the year.

"Yes. It can be shared and no one misses out. I like that." He can have this and no one else misses out because of it. That's lovely. Like sunlight, there's always enough for everyone.

Cole turns to ask ben how washing hair works, but then there's water and he splutters and blinks, stunned and then laughing, pushing water back at Ben.

If that first giggle was wonderful, then the laugh that follows is doubly so. Ben had always relished the moments when he could make Klaus laugh over the last decade and a half, but so often he was doing it out of necessity because things were so bleak and Ben was just trying to help him survive. And this feels... different. Thrilling. Completely addictive. Ben wants to keep making Cole laugh, and smile. He can never seem to get enough of it.

What follows is a brief but energetic splashing war, high-spirited and loud. But there is no one here for them to bother. No one to tell Number Six to stop acting ridiculous. No one to tell Cole something equally awful, to squash the light and joy out of him.

Ben eventually stops splashing back, breaths coming a little quick from all the energetic flailing. He sighs, big and content, and dunks his head beneath the surface once again before he moves over to sit on the bench along the edge of the spring, resting his arms up against the sides. He is silent, but happy. Cole will know how much fun that was for him, how completely comfortable he feels, now. At peace with this place and his own body and Cole being here and all of it. Ben just feels... good. Safe. Whole.

They play.

Even Cole can't find another word for it. They're flicking and splashing and Ben's smiling and laughing and Cole can't stop himself laughing in return and the water is warm over them and

When Ben sinks and relaxes and stop playing, Cole leans into the water and lets himself float, feet touching the stones at the bottom, pushing himself around, head supported in the hot water and chest and shoulders floating comfortably. He'll probably come sit with Ben in a moment, but he likes the way the water holds his weight.

As he is sitting there, watching Cole relax in the water, letting it support him and hold him up, he feels a profound sense of satisfaction. It means something, sharing this experience with Cole, being here to witness his joy. And Ben knows he hasn't really done much. The fact that Cole is here enjoying this hot spring with him is a random series of events, not some thoughtful plan he cooked up in advance. It's because of a bad dream and his neediness and whims and happenstance. But still, he was a little part of bringing this happiness to Cole, and that feels so good he can't even imagine words for it.

He thinks, too, that they could do this again. Come some other night, when everyone else is asleep in their beds. Ben has the sense of a possible future that is full of the sound of Cole laughing and coming to this place together and reading books to him, and obviously it wouldn't be every day, and obviously he doesn't know what dangers might lie in the future or whether they will be ripped from one another by fucked-up circumstances. Ben knows all too well how abruptly it can all end.

But he's not thinking about the possibility of that end, right now. He's thinking about a future that is full of moments like this, and he's so excited about it that he feels like he might burst.

Ben knows that he could sit here for an hour, even two, perfectly silent, and Cole wouldn't mind. It's a rare and wonderful thing, this not feeling obligated to keep up conversation. That they can just be quiet together.

Eventually, he asks:

"Do you think we could come back here again?"

Cole listens to Ben's musings, but he doesn't feel a need to say anything, because Ben is enjoying the silence more than he wants his questions and thoughts addressed. The more time Cole spends with Ben, the more nuanced his understanding becomes.

He likes it.

Ben understands that it isn't just this place that can tear people from one another. Some people fear getting close in case one of them is pulled away again. But Ben understands that life can do that at any moment anyway. All you have is the moment you live in.

"I think we could and should," Cole agrees without lifting his head from the water.

Ben is struck again by how blue Cole's eyes are, how different it is seeing all his face, without the hair and hat in the way. There's a flicker of warm happiness, too. He isn't thinking about it consciously, but it's there. That burst of warmth like a lit match, flaring up the moment he looks at Cole's face.

Grinning, Ben gestures at those bottles he's brought in and suggests, "We could try one of those if you wanted? Not really sure what they do, but it could be fun?"

He also doesn't know whether they'll really affect Cole in the same way they will him. But it's progress in a way just being willing to try. When he'd first arrived at the Anchor, he wouldn't have dared. He was still so paranoid about how any unknown factor might impact his powers. Might impede his ability to hold back those uncontrollable monsters inside him. Except that, by tiny increments, Cole has been peeling away at that thinking. And now, Ben's first thought isn't even how this might inadvertently unleash Them. His first thought is, I wonder if Cole would like it and I could see him smiling again.

And if Ben isn't thinking about Them... Cole's not going to mention Them and remind him.

"Will the book get... wilty?" He knows Dorian yelled a lot about being careful of the books, careful of wet and heat and cold and everything that wasn't the library shelves, kept at a controlled temperature.

"But I'd like that. This. All of it. I like being with you, it makes me happy like nothing has in a long time."

It takes Ben a moment to catch up; but of course, Cole is doing what Cole does, and responding not really to the question he'd asked aloud, but to the deeper desires behind it, to the more sprawling view he'd had of them spending time together. And of course it had all been blurred together in his mind, the coming here and the reading aloud and all of it, that Cole had imagined those things happening at the same time.

Ben laughs, softly - no hint of malice in it, just joy.

"I think it'd probably be a bad idea to bring any books in here. But then again. There's lots of books in the library that are already pretty wilty. Hard to imagine them getting much worse."

But then his breath is catching because Cole is saying he likes being with him, that it makes him happy. And that matters to Ben. That Cole isn't just saying he would come again because it would make Ben happy. But that he's getting something out of it, too. That Ben is making his life a little better, just by being in it.

Ben has no frame of reference for this feeling. For that joy so sharp it almost feels like fear, elation and nerves and bright bubbling restless fullness.

"Yeah... yeah, me too."

The words are so pale and insubstantial and insufficient, compared to what's inside him, but luckily, Cole will know.

It's all so much and he can't seem to stop smiling, and Ben has to dunk his head under the water again, pushing his hair back when he emerges once again. He can hardly believe he felt so miserable just recently, that he'd let a silly dream get him upset, when really... he doesn't think his life has ever been better than this. When has he ever felt so hopeful about the future? When has he ever trusted anyone this much?

"I think we should check out the other parts of the spa, what do you say?"

Cole hums, thinking about some of the books. Some of them are in a pretty beaten condition, steam probably won't do much to hurt them, and being read and handled is better than being left behind.

He straightens up from the water, coming to sit on the edge for a moment, hair slicked back from the water and watches Ben, because yeah, he knows. he knows the feeling and intents that come with simple words. Simple, not insufficient.

"If you want to. I want to be able to get back into the warm after. I like the hot water. Are showers hot like this too?"

"Sure! Absolutely."

Ben is only too happy to agree to come back to the hot spring after, delighted that Cole likes the hot water so much. Although apparently, Cole is under the impression, perhaps, that this is the only part of the spa with hot water? Ben is quick to explain:

"Showers can be as hot as this, or hotter, or colder - you can adjust the temperature of the water whenever you want. And I'm sure the rest of the spa is going to have hot water, too. Well, the sauna part is steam, but that's probably nice, too."

Ben's never actually been in a sauna, himself. Hence why he thought he might go try it with Cole, now.

Though:

"I think there are showers, attached to the different sections... we can go to one of those, first, if you wanted to try one...?"

It really is strange and hilarious, that Cole has never even had a hot shower before. The hot spring is fun, and all, but what would he think about that - the water raining down on him from above, being able to adjust the heat however he wanted...?

"... how can you adjust the heat? Oh... mix of cold and hot, like the mixing of fresh and salt, I think I understand a bit." Ben's knowledge, interposed on his own understanding.

Cole rubs his face, hands coming away a little grimy. "I want to try all of it, but I don't know what all of it is, so you should choose the order." He nods firmly. Decision made.

Ben takes note of the way Cole's hand comes away from his face grimy; it hasn't escaped his notice that Cole is in general a fairly grimy person. He'd never questioned it much because he'd never seen Cole any other way. It's fairly important to Ben, after all, that he not be like those people Cole has mentioned having in his life, who wanted to change him. Ben really does like Cole just how he is. If that means a little uncleanliness, well, it wasn't harming anyone, and Cole himself didn't seem to mind.

Now, though, that he'd heard Cole's description of what washing had been like (at least for the human Cole) - cold and painful and probably a bit humiliating as well - and he also has heard how much Cole likes hot water, he thinks that maybe it's just a case where Cole hasn't really ever had the opportunity to like getting clean.

So, when Cole puts it into Ben's hands to decide first, it's easy enough, making the call. Shower first, then the Turkish bath (and who even knows what that's gonna be like), then the sauna, then back here if that's still what Cole wants.

Ben gets out of the water, grabs one of those fluffy towels and pats himself down just enough that he won't be dripping before he wraps it around his waist. He knows, logically, the chances anyone else will appear in the spa tonight are next to nothing, that Cole would almost certainly warn him if someone was coming, but even so... he can't really bring himself to walk around naked. As soon as Cole is out, as well, Ben tosses the other towel to him, with a small grin.

Once Cole seems ready, Ben leads the way back towards the area adjacent to the hot springs for showering off. He supposes they were meant to go there, first? He's not really sure, whatever, they're playing fast and loose with all the rules here, tonight. As they're going, he wonders how to ask what he wants to ask.

"People in Thedas... how do they typically take care of their hair?"

I.e. is Ben going to have to explain shampoo? He has a feeling he might need to do that.

Cole didn't bathe because most of his experiences were deeply traumatising and unpleasant. Human Cole had little in the way of comforts and no luxuries and spirit Cole had had no better time of it. The decontamination showers were his most recent experience.

He follows Ben, catching the towel and watching what Ben did to learn how to use it. Towels were another luxury that weren't available to Cole in any stage of life.

"I don't know," Cole admits. He doesn't wrap the towel around him, he more holds it in front of himself and trails along, wiping his arms after a moment. "Dorian had lots of bottles with things that had herbal smells. Varric had bars of soap and light, bubbly stones."

Ben's going to need to explain shampoo.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject