redshiftlogs | [openish] where do you go with your broken heart in tow?

Ben sees movement out of the corner of his eye, first, a moment before he feels Cole's hand on his. There is a half-second of startled fear, until he recognizes Cole, and it evaporates at once. He lets out a relieved sigh. Most of the time, when Ben sees Cole unexpectedly, he feels a rush of contentment, of warm recognition and bright, almost bubbling happiness. It's become as predictable as clockwork, that distinctive response, every time. But this time, it's a little different.

"Cole."

He had been there, in the dream. Along with all the other people Ben cares most about. The last time Ben had seen that pale face, with his long fair hair and shadowed eyes, there had been blood pouring from his mouth, as he pleaded for Ben to rescue him, reached out for him with those pale hands, and Ben hadn't been able to get hold of him, hadn't been able to save him.

Ben lets out a shaky sigh, holding Cole's hand a bit tighter, trying to push those awful images out of his mind. Cole is here. That had only been a dream. And so the rest of them must be safe, and he's alive, and it's all okay.

Cole smiles.

He lets their fingers slip together and holds on firmly, bringing Ben's hand to his chest. Despite all the inhumanity of Cole, there's a heartbeat, and his skin is comparatively warm, moving as he breathes.

"I'm safe. No blood." He pauses. "None that's mine, but I don't think I've been near anyone who was bleeding. And everyone else is okay, I promise. I'd be able to feel if they weren't, your care is enough for me to know them, and they're all asleep."

Feeling Cole's heartbeat calms Ben down considerably. He takes his time, and Cole doesn't rush him, just focusing on the steady beat of it. Cole's hand in his is warm and solid and real.

It's been a while, since he had a dream that vivid, that lingered with him even after he woke up. It tapped so directly into so many of his worst fears. Being a ghost once more, the people he cares about being hurt, violence, failure, loss.

But Cole can feel that everyone is safe and Ben trusts Cole. So he exhales slowly, trying to push all that lingering worry out with it.

"Thank you."

Ben smiles back at Cole, a little and lopsided thing.

"Will you come with me? I mean, um - if you want to?"

Now that Cole's here, Ben wants him to stay very much, but he realizes halfway through the invitation that Cole might not want that. He might have only shown up because Ben was distressed, and now he might want to go back to whatever he was doing before, or maybe he hates the spa, or he could be getting tired of Ben always wanting to spend so much time with him...

Cole places both hands over Ben's one, holding it to his chest (which is surprisingly muscled for such a beanpole).

"I've never been to the spa. I've seen hot springs, there were hot springs under Skyhold, the mountains bubbled with heat and the heat bubbled up through the waters." He's never been in hot water like that. There was never a reason.

"Yes. I'd like to come. Does it involve being undressed? Evangeline told me I wasn't to be around people who were undressing... or was it only if they don't know I'm there...?"

"I haven't been to it, either. But people say it's nice."

He listens to Cole's description of the hot springs under Skyhold (which he remembers is some kind of fortress place and where Cole had lived when he was with the Inquisition), wondering whether it was a destination where people went to relax or whether it was some secret place that Cole had discovered. It sounds a little more like the latter, but who's to say?

Cole's question isn't a surprise, nor is what he says about Evangeline needing to tell him that people have boundaries when it comes to being undressed. Ben's used to it by now, that social customs aren't really something Cole grasps intuitively. He knows that other people might find it annoying or creepy. But as someone who's always felt a little uncomfortable and perplexed by what's normal, himself, he is just charmed.

"I thiiiiink she probably meant only if they don't know you're there. It's sort of something where you need to have permission, otherwise people get really upset."

So that Cole understands it's not just some arbitrary custom. Well, it is, but the result of that means potentially hurting people's feelings, and he knows Cole wouldn't want that. Then he laughs softly, shrugging and admitting:

"Some people are more self-conscious about nudity than other people. It's... kinda one of the reasons I um, haven't gone to the spa yet, but. I figure nobody's there this time of night and. I don't mind, if it's you."

"I was in her room when she changed and found out later. I didn't know then that it would upset her. That people feel different about their outsides like that. I was very new to the world, even with Cole's memories, it was all jumbled and messy. And he only ever lived with his family."

He keeps hold of Ben's hand, nodding. "Then yes, I'd like to come with you. I can tell you about the hot springs under Skyhold if you like and I won't look at your outside when it's uncovered if you prefer."

Ben has heard Cole talk about that time in his life before. How he didn't yet remember what he was and wasn't quite sure if he was dead or alive. Some of that confusion had apparently extended to human concepts like modesty and privacy, and the way that people's feelings about their bodies are often unpredictable and vulnerable and intense.

(He hopes that Evangeline wasn't too harsh with Cole when she found out about him being in her room like that. Ben would understand if she'd been angry, but all the same, of course Cole hadn't meant any harm by it.)

Cole doesn't show any signs of being about to let go of his hand, and the truth is, Ben doesn't want him to. It's good to have that pressure, that constant reminder of his solidity. He feels anchored, grounded. So he starts to walk once again in the direction of the spa, Cole's hand still in his.

"I'd love to hear about it. And, um." Ben takes a long moment, considering. Does he want to take Cole up on his offer? Would it make him feel more comfortable, or more embarrassed, ultimately? "...You. Don't have to do that. Thank you for offering, but. I meant it when I said... I don't mind if it's you."

Ben gives a little shrug. It's more clear now than ever that Cole isn't someone who looks at people's bodies with the same expectations and assessments and notions (be they conscious or unconscious) that most humans would. He does still feel a little uneasy, a little nervous. But it feels like the kind of uneasiness that it's good to push against. Ben knows that his comfort zone is very, very tiny, and the only way it's going to get any bigger is if he makes little efforts. Like not making his closest friend promise to look away when they go to the spa.

A little part of him is curious, though.

"So, are you really not... self-conscious about your outside, like, at all?"

The unintended benefit of this topic is that it's engrossing enough that the nightmare is starting to slip from Ben's mind, its influence dissolving away as curiosity pushes out the terror and guilt.

"Like, if you were in the park and there were a bunch of people, and... I don't know, a magician snapped his fingers and all your clothes disappeared, you wouldn't... mind?!"

"She wasn't. She realised that I didn't mean any harm and wasn't interested in what her body looks like. I just wanted to know that she wouldn't hurt Rhys while they were travelling together."

His lack of interest in her had been total and she seemed to understand that. In return, she hasn't been angry. Shocked, for sure. She had impressed on him not to do it. But not angry.

As they walk, Cole hangs onto Ben's hand, squeezing periodically to remind him of the pressure, reassure him that he was still here, still solid.

"My outside and inside aren't as different. I don't like lots of people noticing me, it scares me. It's not natural for me, that why people don't notice me, forget me easily. It wouldn't matter if I was wearing clothes or not."

Ben smiles, liking this Evangeline a bit better for it. It's always good, these little reminders of times when people were accepting or accommodating of Cole, when they treated him with understanding and respect. Ben still thinks it didn't happen nearly often enough for his taste, but... he's glad it did, on occasion.

He listens to Cole's answer thoughtfully. Since he hasn't got Cole's powers, all he has at his disposal is his empathy and imagination. He tries to put himself in Cole's mindset, where outside and inside were not as disconnected. Ben isn't sure it's really something he can imagine. More than other people, he thinks, he has always regarded his own body with a sidelong glance of distrust. Growing up, he had thought of his body as the thing trapping his mind, the thing that housed the portal, his powers, Them. It had been an enemy and perhaps a tentative ally, but never entirely and exactly him.

"Yeah, okay. That makes sense."

Ben might not be able to really and truly understand Cole's indifference towards the outward appearance of his own body, but he at least can relate on one of the points.

"I don't like lots of people noticing me, either. It scares me, too."

But there's no one around, to notice either of them. Just Ben and Cole, making their way through the sleeping Anchor, towards the spa. Why had he ever thought going on his own was a good idea? He should have realized all along that inviting Cole was the best option.

"...but I don't like nobody noticing me."

There's a hint of humor to how Ben says it, because he's sure Cole feels the same, and he recognizes there is some inherent silliness to it. Both of them, for their own reasons, not wanting to be the center of attention. Both of them, having been at various points mostly invisible, unheard, unremembered, disconnected from others.

Edited 2019-11-22 00:15 (UTC)

"If too many people notice, it goes badly, things are bad. but if no one notices, it's because no one can notice, no one can see and being wholly and totally alone is unnatural, horrifying. It means not being able to reach out."

Ben's relationship with his body is something that Cole can only understand from Ben's feelings and mind. Cole occupies nothing, manifested and wholly himself. All bits of himself.

"You did know. You didn't want to be alone, so I came. You just didn't have to use your voice." Ben wanted to not be alone, even if he didn't consciously realise that at the moment Cole did.

"Exactly."

Not being able to reach out. Ben squeezes Cole's hand, a little of the terror from that dream uncurling again inside him, but it's easy to banish, with Cole here. And there it is - the door to the spa. His prediction had been right; the usual buzz of people and robots here is entirely absent. When Ben opens the door and they walk through, there is no one in that tranquil lobby. The music is still playing, the fountains splashing softly, but they are unattended.

Ben prefers it that way.

The area that is like a hot springs is clearly marked with a little plaque, and Ben heads in that direction. How lucky he is, to have a friend who can know that Ben needs them, even without him having to use his voice - something that's never ever been his strong suit.

When they reach the little changing room on the other side, with benches, cute little cubbies and lockers for people's possessions, and a large stack of fluffy towels, Ben gives Cole's hand one last little grateful squeeze and lets go.

"I guess we just... get undressed and go in, then?"

His hesitance comes from wishing there were a little more instruction; what if he breaks some rule he didn't even realize was there? At the same time, all that freedom is... kind of fun. Like they are sneaking in, even though there's no reason they shouldn't be allowed to use this place.

Cole follows along happily, still holding onto Ben's hand and gripping until the very last moment, when Ben lets go and moves away.

"I don't know. I've never done this. Do you want me to get in as well? I haven't been in hot water before." Someone else might pick up the pun in that, that Cole's been in the metaphorical hot water a lot, but it's Cole. He remains blissfully unaware of how it could be taken.

"In Skyhold, you could just go in. You got undressed by the pools. Or somewhere else and wore a robe. Whatever you wanted. I don't mind how you want to do this."

It takes Ben a moment to realize that Cole doesn't just mean that he's never been to a hot springs before. He means hot water, full stop. As in any hot water. Which is even more surprising than when Ben found out Cole had never had ice cream. Not a single hot shower, not once in his life.

And Ben knows that Thedas is different. That Cole's a spirit and that the human Cole had lived a life of deprivation and misery. But still.

Hot showers had been such an important thing for him, growing up. His favorite part of any mission, if it could indeed be called a part of it, was when they got back home and he got to be alone, away from his siblings and his father and even Grace, to pull off his uniform and get into the shower and wash away all the blood, the bits of bone or viscera he sometimes found in his hair. It had been a daydream of his, so strong and so frequently reinforced that it probably bordered on an actual delusion at times, that when he showered off after a mission, he wasn't just getting clean, but that the water was erasing anything that had just happened - anything he'd done - from ever having happened.

Some missions, the only way he could keep going was inventing imaginary countdowns, to when it would be over and he would be home and he would turn on the taps to let the water heat up until he could see steam billowing over the shower curtain. Ben and Klaus both used water to cope, but Klaus wanted to be submerged, in the quiet underneath the water. Ben wanted it passing over him and gone, taking whatever was on him away, and the top layer of himself along with it.

So to think that Cole has never felt that...

Ben doesn't know if he'll enjoy it the same way a human would, but it's worth trying, because what if Cole does love it? What if it's his favorite thing and he's never had a chance to know that before now?

With a sudden surge of energy and decision, Ben makes up his mind. He grabs a pair of towels - no robes, because he wants to try swimming, and because he's trying to push his boundaries a little - and then, impulsively, a heap of the various little bottles of salts and oils and bubbles and whatever else they've got in there. He clutches all of it to his chest, turning to Cole with a smile.

"Let's try it. Together."

Might as well follow the Skyhold customs, since he doesn't know any other ones; Ben heads on to the hot springs, finds a decent spot near the water to set down the towels and - wow he really did grab a lot of those little bottles, huh? Then, it's just a matter of getting undressed, but he feels propelled on the momentum of wanting this to be a shared experience. So he undresses quickly, without waiting and letting doubts catch up to him. He is, indeed, uneasy and awkward, but he is also full of determination not to let that stop him.

Cole is busy just letting senses and impressions wash over him like waves, surging and ebbing, good moments, bad feelings washed clean with hot water and Cole thinks that this will be good, like ice cream was good.

"Okay!" He follows after Ben, flickering from side to side in wisps of smoke, not because he's distressed but with sheer excitement. Ben's excitement is, for Cole, contagious.

When they reach the edge of a pool, Cole sets down his hat and then starts peeling off layers. He's completely unashamed, even as he bares more skin, revealing a surprisingly toned and muscled form under the shapeless clothes, marked with the faint scars expected from a childhood of deprivation and no modern medical knowledge (but some magical healing).

Naked, Cole looks to Ben, canting his head. "Do we just walk into it?"

Ben is not quite so naturally unashamed, but he is managing a careful neutrality and nonchalance over the whole thing that is honestly pretty big progress, for him. Once he's gotten his clothes all folded and tucked on a flat rock safely a little ways from the water's edge, he glances over to Cole. It's odd, seeing him without the hat, but good, too. He doesn't look anywhere below Cole's collarbones for now because, even if Cole wouldn't give a shit, some things are just ingrained.

"I think so? Maybe there are steps... Ah!"

He spots a place in the spring that is clearly meant to make getting in easier, with some flat rocks arranged in descent into the water. Ben, a little jittery, but happy, too, goes first. The temperature of the water is just right; Ben sighs in contentment, moves in until it's up to his chest and stops, turning back to face Cole.

"C'mon, it's awesome!"

Cole looks at the water, briefly unsure, but then Ben slips in and his delight pours over Cole, making him relax and come over to the same entry point.

He puts a foot in first, giving a sharp, small inhale. He moves in slowly and steadily, heat flushing his pale skin fast, up into warm pinks. "It's... not like a lake. At all. Or the ocean." He keeps moving in until he's chest deep and then he takes a deep breath and sinks under the water entirely.

He doesn't need to breathe, exactly, but it's what you do when you go underwater. And the heat-

It's so unlike anything. It's like being held wrapped in arms and legs and senses and kept soft and warm and safe. He can feel the clean heat of it reaching over his scalp, through his hair, not hot like being in the desert, prickling and uncomfortable, but soothing.

He surfaces after a long, long moment, water streaming down his face and neck and a bright smile. "It's amazing!"

Ben doesn't have Cole's abilities, so he has to watch him to get his reaction to the hot springs. He notices, this time, that Cole definitely has more muscle than he'd been expecting (and really doesn't that just go to show exactly what he'd been thinking, earlier, because he's sure Cole didn't have any expectations one way or another about Ben's muscles or any other detail like that). But Ben sets that thought aside, instead, giving Cole a bright and encouraging smile.

And Cole seems to warm up (ha) to the experience quickly, even ducking his head under the water. Ben laughs softly then, looking down at him under the surface, his pale hair drifting out in the water. He feels just the tiniest prickle of worry when Cole doesn't come up quickly, then realizes it's probably not a problem? He's a spirit, right, so... he might not need to breathe at all. But even having had that logical thought, Ben keeps hovering nearby, just in case. And there is definite relief in him when Cole comes up again. A relief that becomes joy, huge and energetic, when he sees how Cole is smiling.

"Isn't it?"

Ben submerges himself, this time, just for a few seconds, to get his hair wet. When he comes up again he pushes it back from his face, and that nightmare is the furthest thing from his mind, now. He had never felt warm, as a ghost. Not for a second. There's no questioning it now that he has a tangible body, no questioning that he is not disconnected and alone.

The awkwardness and embarrassment are gone now that he's in the water; why had he even worried in the first place? He was right, knowing this would be easy enough with Cole here. So many things just feel easier with Cole. And better, too. Ben is so happy that he gets to be here as Cole is discovering this.

"I think you can adjust the temperature of the water somewhere, but it's kinda perfect right now."

His own cheeks are beginning to be slightly flushed from the heat, and he can't seem to stop smiling.

Cole sinks into the water again, tipping his head back to let it soak and then straightening up. It might be one of the few times his hair hasn't obscured his face since he got here (since he left Rhys) and while the water has soaked his hair dark, it's apparent that he could probably do with a good scrub down at some point.

"Are baths and showers always like this? Not... cold and scrubbing, rough red raised sharp, clean you up, get going again, can't waste good water on this."

Which might explain his aversion to bathing in general, since it isn't a body shyness.

He shakes his head, splattering water droplets everywhere and giving a genuine giggle of delight.

It is so strange, to easily see so much of Cole's face, without any shadows from that hat, without his hair obscuring his eyes. Ben can actually see the color of them, the shape of Cole's brow and forehead. To Cole, his outside may not matter a great deal. But for someone without Cole's abilities, being able to see his face makes the emotions there all the clearer. And of course, he does not see Cole's face with detached objectivity. It's a face he's seen before - obscured, yes, but seen it - and that he has come to associate with feelings of happiness and friendship and acceptance and support. There are reasons emotional and neurochemical, as well, that seeing Cole's familiar face makes Ben full to bursting with happiness.

"Maybe not always, but yeah, most of the time they are."

He thinks, deliberately this time, of how relieved he'd always felt, being able to scrub himself down after a mission, or washing his hair in the evening after a miserable day. To him, bathing was the opposite of Cole's experience. It was a rare moment of privacy, of physical comfort and indulgence, of being allowed to make decisions for himself, take care of himself.

"It's not a waste, here. There's plenty of water - here and in any of the residential rooms with a shower."

This isn't like the ice cream, where Cole could theoretically be depriving someone else, but letting himself experience something nice. Ben wants to make sure he understands that.

And when Cold shakes water from his hair and giggles like that, Ben feels a dazzling rush of fondness. It's utterly contagious, and he laughs, too, bringing his arms up to block any of those oncoming droplets from hitting his face. Then, a childish impulse seizes him, and he arcs his arm, dragging his hand through the surface of the water at an angle and sending a huge splash of water in Cole's direction. Goading Cole into splashing him back - no competitiveness or hostility to it, just a game, something silly and frivolous.

Cole's eyes are a pale blue. So pale they're almost silver in certain lights. It's likely that his hair is actually a very pale gold, not the darker honey blonde that it often looks under the hat. He has the colouring of nordic lands, little sun for much of the year.

"Yes. It can be shared and no one misses out. I like that." He can have this and no one else misses out because of it. That's lovely. Like sunlight, there's always enough for everyone.

Cole turns to ask ben how washing hair works, but then there's water and he splutters and blinks, stunned and then laughing, pushing water back at Ben.

If that first giggle was wonderful, then the laugh that follows is doubly so. Ben had always relished the moments when he could make Klaus laugh over the last decade and a half, but so often he was doing it out of necessity because things were so bleak and Ben was just trying to help him survive. And this feels... different. Thrilling. Completely addictive. Ben wants to keep making Cole laugh, and smile. He can never seem to get enough of it.

What follows is a brief but energetic splashing war, high-spirited and loud. But there is no one here for them to bother. No one to tell Number Six to stop acting ridiculous. No one to tell Cole something equally awful, to squash the light and joy out of him.

Ben eventually stops splashing back, breaths coming a little quick from all the energetic flailing. He sighs, big and content, and dunks his head beneath the surface once again before he moves over to sit on the bench along the edge of the spring, resting his arms up against the sides. He is silent, but happy. Cole will know how much fun that was for him, how completely comfortable he feels, now. At peace with this place and his own body and Cole being here and all of it. Ben just feels... good. Safe. Whole.

They play.

Even Cole can't find another word for it. They're flicking and splashing and Ben's smiling and laughing and Cole can't stop himself laughing in return and the water is warm over them and

When Ben sinks and relaxes and stop playing, Cole leans into the water and lets himself float, feet touching the stones at the bottom, pushing himself around, head supported in the hot water and chest and shoulders floating comfortably. He'll probably come sit with Ben in a moment, but he likes the way the water holds his weight.

As he is sitting there, watching Cole relax in the water, letting it support him and hold him up, he feels a profound sense of satisfaction. It means something, sharing this experience with Cole, being here to witness his joy. And Ben knows he hasn't really done much. The fact that Cole is here enjoying this hot spring with him is a random series of events, not some thoughtful plan he cooked up in advance. It's because of a bad dream and his neediness and whims and happenstance. But still, he was a little part of bringing this happiness to Cole, and that feels so good he can't even imagine words for it.

He thinks, too, that they could do this again. Come some other night, when everyone else is asleep in their beds. Ben has the sense of a possible future that is full of the sound of Cole laughing and coming to this place together and reading books to him, and obviously it wouldn't be every day, and obviously he doesn't know what dangers might lie in the future or whether they will be ripped from one another by fucked-up circumstances. Ben knows all too well how abruptly it can all end.

But he's not thinking about the possibility of that end, right now. He's thinking about a future that is full of moments like this, and he's so excited about it that he feels like he might burst.

Ben knows that he could sit here for an hour, even two, perfectly silent, and Cole wouldn't mind. It's a rare and wonderful thing, this not feeling obligated to keep up conversation. That they can just be quiet together.

Eventually, he asks:

"Do you think we could come back here again?"

Cole listens to Ben's musings, but he doesn't feel a need to say anything, because Ben is enjoying the silence more than he wants his questions and thoughts addressed. The more time Cole spends with Ben, the more nuanced his understanding becomes.

He likes it.

Ben understands that it isn't just this place that can tear people from one another. Some people fear getting close in case one of them is pulled away again. But Ben understands that life can do that at any moment anyway. All you have is the moment you live in.

"I think we could and should," Cole agrees without lifting his head from the water.

Ben is struck again by how blue Cole's eyes are, how different it is seeing all his face, without the hair and hat in the way. There's a flicker of warm happiness, too. He isn't thinking about it consciously, but it's there. That burst of warmth like a lit match, flaring up the moment he looks at Cole's face.

Grinning, Ben gestures at those bottles he's brought in and suggests, "We could try one of those if you wanted? Not really sure what they do, but it could be fun?"

He also doesn't know whether they'll really affect Cole in the same way they will him. But it's progress in a way just being willing to try. When he'd first arrived at the Anchor, he wouldn't have dared. He was still so paranoid about how any unknown factor might impact his powers. Might impede his ability to hold back those uncontrollable monsters inside him. Except that, by tiny increments, Cole has been peeling away at that thinking. And now, Ben's first thought isn't even how this might inadvertently unleash Them. His first thought is, I wonder if Cole would like it and I could see him smiling again.

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